June 19

Apparently I'm only 21% slut, this is a good thing I'm assuming. And I was one of 77% of women who chose Adolf Hitler as the best sex option of all time. I'm not sure why I chose Hitler. It was between Adolf and William Shakespeare, but I'm pretty sure that Adolf bathed more...he was the only reasonable choice.

I always write about being the only one who feels this way. I thought it was true, I guess other people feel it to. I know they do. It's like all those times I felt so depressed and alone, I really wasn't alone because there are lots of other people going through what I am. Maybe the circumstances are different but they feel it too. If other people feel it why couldn't I see it? Why couldn't I find someone who was feeling the way I was to talk to?

I was too busy trying to be happy to notice that anyone around me might feel the same way. I remember walking around with that smile plastered to my face hoping someone could see past it, at the same time hoping they wouldn't. It would be a double edged sword...a light at the end of the tunnel without knowing what lies ahead. Maybe I'll find someone to talk to, maybe I'll find someone to ridicule me.

I should see a doctor, I really should. I would if I wasn't so scared. I'm scared that my parents might find out, find out I'm not perfect. I don't want them to look down upon me. I don't want them to feel like they've failed. They never failed, I did. What help is a doctor going to do anyways? I wouldn't know, I've never talked to one about it...ever.

Why do I feel like this whereas the next person may lead a happy life? What did they do to be so privledged? What did I do that was so wrong? I didn't mean to, I'm sorry please forgive me?

I should be studying for exams, right now I'd do amost anything to avoid studying. Infact, I'm doing nothing and still avoiding it. This is ingenius...maybe not. I'm so ill prepared for my exams it's almost laughable, almost.