June 18

"Exams are coming, exams are coming," cried chicken little as he ran along the road...

So it's not quite as catastrophic as the sky falling, but it might as well be. It could be the end of the world as we know it. I could fail and not get into waterloo and end up on some street corner busking...or maybe not! I'm just being silly now.

I still have that general lack of motovation to do anything. I've already been accepted into University, and so has everyone else, so we aren't so worried about marks or anything like that. I'm just kinda shrugging and thinking "what's the point?" I went up to the cottage this weekend with the sole purpose of studying. I don't know anyone up there and the weather wasn't too nice so I had nothing to do except study, right? So I thought as well. It turns out there are many better things to do, like twiddling your thumbs or watching television. We used to only get two stations at the cottage, which is good. Then mom bought the satelite for the cottage....BIG MISTAKE! I got addicted to channel flipping...augh!

Social Activity...not something I'm usually involved in, but strangely enough I've been trying to be social. Infact, next friday I'm going out for drinks with a friend of mine, I'll think of an appropriate screen name for him eventually. (He has requested that I call him "EdgarVanColsholton" whoever that is???)

Apparently my summer schedule leaves me without room for fun - I agree. This summer I will be working from Monday until Friday at "Central Ontario Spa & Leisure" from 8:30am to 4:30pm and on weekends and "Food Basics." Maybe I am spreading myself thin. Did I mention that I play baseball 4 nights a week? I need the money from the jobs and I really enjoy baseball.

Maybe this will be the summer to remember, only time will tell I suppose. It could turn out to be the summer to forget, or regret...whichever. I'd prefer it to be the summer to remember, but it's up to me to make it that way. I can't just lay back and wait for everything to come to me, I have to go out and fight for it. I never fight for anything I want, ever. I've always kind of had this I'm not going to win anyways kind of attitude to eveything.

Whenever I've wanted something really badly, I seemed to let it slip away. I could have it in my hands and I'd just let it slowly drip through my fingers like I couldnt shut my hands tight to hold on to it. I always thought that the things I loved had been taken from me, but I don't think I ever faught for them. Someone tried to take them and I let them, I shouldn't have done that. From now on I'm going to try and change this, I'm going to fight for what I want.

I never had much self-confidence, which is probably why I never faught for what I wanted. I didn't think I deserved it. Right now, I don't care if i deserve it or not, the next time something starts to slip through my fingers I'm going to fight to shut my hands. If not, which is likely the case, I shall sit here and wallow some more. **sigh**

This shyness of mine has got to stop! Right now, this instant, it's over....gone! **POOF**

That's settled then. It's almost stupid. I'm not seven years old anymore, I shouldn't be as shy as I am. I shouldn't be staring at my feet with a bright red face when I can look someone in the eye. Hmmm, I could be specific about the incident, but I'll save that for another day...maybe.