July 12

I feel bad! I haven't updated my site in almost two whole weeks. I don't feel badly because I think people read this and are addicted and will go through withdrawl if I don't update for a day or two, but because it makes me feel good to reflect on my day even if it's been a bad one. I haven't even had time to venture to my favourite place on the web, or my favourite journal at least, patricks.

I quit working at food basics and Saturday was my last day. The last few weeks there have been really bad, and I'm glad I left when I did. Before I quit there were two other girls that had already, and after I quit there were two more and the assistant manager. From what I hear there are more that are going to quit before the summer ends. It's just horrible working there. Of course, it could be worse, but when the pay isn't really all that great you might as well leave if you abhor going to work and take it out on other people (sorry!).

I suppose it's "official" that Edgar and I are together and stuff...

Which is all strange to me. Not that I mind the attention or the company or stuff, just I've still got that damned voice of mine...the one in the back of my head. The one that tells me something's wrong. Something can't go all right, or else I'm bound to fuck up. Usually if nothing's wrong with something I make it so that something is wrong, intentionally or otherwise. Sadly, that's the way I am.

You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. Maybe that is true, to some extent. I have to remember not to become emotionally dependent, as LightningFyre pointed out last night. He mentioned something about a relationship of his going bad because of such things, and I realized that's exactly how I am...I do that. I never really looked at things like that too closely but, when someone mentioned it it was like getting beaned over the head with a ten foot pole.

It's gotten like that again, where I look at myself and I hvae to look away, I can't sustain eye contact with myself. Lame, I know, but true. My eyes are sad, no matter what I say or do, my eyes will always be sad. I guess that's why I look away whenever I notice someone looking at them, there's secrets hiding in there and I don't want anyone to know, some of them I don't want to know. A smile is easy to fake, the eyes they can't tell lies. Maybe I'm just making myself believe this when really I'm just not happy looking at myself, for whatever reason. Never have been, why change now, right?

I know that my parents aren't proud of me, how could they be? They couldn't be proud of me, even if they wanted to. I've never been good enough, NEVER, why should that change too? There are only so many times you can hear something before you start beliving it, and I guess I believe some of the things they say. I shrug off anything good they say because a day or two later they give me reason to by shouting one of my faults from the rooftop...or right in my dangling it right in front of my face. I know I'm not quite what they hoped for, but is it necessary to remind me every morning? every night? every waking moment?

I try so hard to please them, even if what they want is something that I don't. Most teenagers try to rebel and be different from their parents regardless of the outcomes. I just want them to be proud of me. Looking back, I've done so many things because they wanted me to, not because they made me happy...and I'm left here wondering what does make me happy??? Which leads to my indecisiveness...I can't decide anything on my own, because I've never had to, my mind's been made up before the questions were asked...

Ack, end.