�Well at least I�m not an asshole!� The moment the words left my tongue I wanted to call them back, to change the words the tone, everything. It took everything I had to raise my eyes to his face. The sudden silence louder than words could ever be. I gulped audibly and tried to stammer an apology.
�Please Ken please I�m sorry I�m sorry honest.� I had a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach as he slowly shook his head. Disappointment was written on his face, his lips set in a thin line. As he stood up and looked down at me I nearly whimpered. I hadn�t meant the words but that didn�t matter, the words were said. He stood for a moment; oh it felt a long moment indeed, while he stood there looking at me. Then he nodded to himself.
�Okay Julie, if you want to behave like that go right ahead. But don�t expect me to like it. You�re my wife. Not a fifteen year old brat who lacks the self-control that you just demonstrated.�
Immediately I felt my mouth move into a pout and I began to formulate my response. I did NOT like his tone. The silence from him let me know my thoughts were written on my face and I wisely bit my tongue. Inside I felt angry, angry out of proportion to the situation, I knew I was out of control inside, I knew I was acting like a brat but was unable to be any other way. I felt hot tears prick my eyes and I blinked them away. I felt miserable about using that language and tone but I wanted to use more, I wanted to kick something! It took effort to pull away from my self-absorption and listen to his words as he continued his speech.
�For months now, and I mean months you have pouted and sulked. You have let the house fall apart Julie, the dishes, the laundry all the basics. I have been patient.� He paused and looked at me as I mutely nodded, yes he had been patient but somehow that made it worse. �I�m done. I have had it. I can�t handle this attitude from you and either it changes or I go.�
At my guttural cry he sank down beside me and pulled me too him.
�Aw Jules, god I love you but you have to stop this shit little girl!� His words triggered a torrent of tears. Hot confused tears as I sobbed against him.
�Ken please please sorry I'm sorry sorry please Ken� I burrowed against him tearful and remorseful.
He held me and rocked me, making shushing noises as my tears finally began to slow. His hand made passes up and down my back soothing me until my breath was steady. Once I was over my tears he sat me up and looked at me quietly.
�Jules, Julie my Julie�..tell me what you want. Tell me what you need. Because I cant give that to you unless you tell me. I can�t read your punkin head you know� His thumbs wiped my tears as he looked at me, waiting for me to explain my attitude my anger my�okay I can say it� my brattiness. There was only one problem and it was a biggie. I didn�t know. I didn�t know why I was acting the way I was nor why I had been doing this month after month. Haltingly I tried to explain.
