| Title: Flashback Author: Candygirl Rating: It dips its toes into NC-17, although I'm so not comfortable with that rating. Well, okay, it's more like it holds its nose and yells 'cannonball!' as it dives into NC-17. A/N: This wasn't supposed to be here. It came to me at one-thirty in the morning as I lay in bed listening to the radio. Aren't you just so lucky? I've always liked the songfic format, but this is my first try in this particular genre. Hope you enjoy. Oh, and hold on tight. The tenses bounce a little bit- the narrator remains Fannie, but her POV goes back and forth. I hope it'll all make sense, because otherwise the fic goes pffft. Summary: Fannie has a flashback. There were nights when the wind was so cold That my body froze in bed If I just listened to it Right outside the window There were days when the sun was so cruel That all the tears turned to dust And I just knew my eyes were Drying up forever It's always been hard for me to form attachments, to be emotional. Oh, I've made friends, and I've made good friends, but for so long I've kept my heart out of it. I traveled all over the world and probably had more one-night stands than any player in basketball history, but until last year I had never let anyone go deeper. Not even Robin. I thought I had let Robin in, but I realize now that my China doll has just been an extended one-night stand, not the woman of my dreams. Now here she is, her hands warm and soft and just a little slippery as she caresses me, and she helps take away some of the chill from those lonely nights in Italy and Japan and Spain and anywhere else I can think of. Thinking about those nights, they remind me of something I just can't put my finger on, but I don't think any other woman felt that biting chill the same way I did. Lonely nights and lonely days, plying my trade far away from home, learning to love sushi and bad soap operas- and there was always something missing, but why can't I remember what it was? I should; despite all her teasing I am only thirty-four, and I shouldn't already be forgetting something that must have happened so recently. Something... as her delicate but so unsure touch reaches the most sensitive regions of me, something strikes at me from my memory. I finished crying in the instant that you left And I can't remember where Or when and how And I banished every memory You and I had ever made It was the worst night of my life- twenty years old and I already knew it was the worst night I would ever have in my life. You were gone, snatched from my life in untimely and unfair fashion, but I couldn't cry in front of anyone, because almost no one knew, so carefully secret had we kept it. I loved you like I had never loved before, and because I made the mistake of loving you, you took the fall. I couldn't live with the pain, not with that sure and certain knowledge of what I had caused to happen. So I made myself forget. But when you touch me like this And you hold me like that I just have to admit That it's all coming back to me When I touch you like this And I hold you like that It's so hard to believe but It's all coming back to me It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now That sudden flash of memory takes me by surprise- where had it come from? My college days? But there was never anyone in college, just a few swings and misses. But as her inexpert touch reaches the tender area under my breasts, I feel something stirring in a place I don't think I've been in a long time. She's done something to open the floodgates, and I brace myself for what I don't know will come, even as I cry out in pleasure under her hands. There were moments of gold And there were flashes of light There were things I'd never do again But then they'd always seemed right There were nights of endless pleasure It was more than any laws allow Baby, baby The moment your dark eyes met mine we knew it was meant to be, despite everything they had told us in school and in church and all the other places little girls learn to be normal little girls. Within a week of meeting, you knew me better than anyone else I had thought I was letting in. We knew what we were, but we dared not say it- not in New Jersey in the 1980's. Ten years earlier, and now I know ten years later, and we would have been able to be open about it. But then we had to keep it secret, behind the closed doors of your dorm room. There, we finally dared to be who we were- women who loved each other and didn't suppress it or sublimate it, young women who made love outside the boundaries of marriage because we knew we would never marry. We were so foolish then, young and na�ve, believing ourselves immortal and invincible to anything the world felt like throwing at us. Loving each other, we lost ourselves in that joy of finding someone who understood us. Six months- they would shine bright for me until that fateful day when I had to hide everything about myself. If I kiss you like this And you whisper like that It was lost long ago but It's all coming back to me If you want me like this And if you need me like that It was dead long ago but It's all coming back to me It's so hard to resist And it's all coming back to me I can barely recall But it's all coming back to me now But it's all coming back to me I can't believe this- there was someone? Someone who loved me and someone I loved? I kiss her just to make sure she's real and to bring myself back to 2001, and she whispers something in my ear that only serves to stir the memories further. "I love you," she tells me softly as she holds me like I've never been held before- or have I? Now I'm not sure and I can't stand not being sure. A six-month relationship with sexual aspects and the onus of being my first relationship with a woman would be the sort of thing to stick in my memory, at least in my eyes. Maybe it did for a while. Maybe I just couldn't bear to think about it. But what would have happened to take it away? If it was so wonderful, why did it only last six months? Everything is coming back to me though, and for the first time in nearly a decade, I see your face... And now I remember why I have such conflicted feelings about Kelsey- why I loathe her and yet can't hate her at the same time. It's because of you. She represents everything that I lost and the reason why I lost it at the same time. Now that I know who you are, everything falls into place, sweeping me away. There were all those empty threats And hollow lies And whenever you tried to hurt me I just hurt you even worse And so much deeper There were hours that just went on for days When alone we'd count up all the chances That were lost forever But you were history with the slamming of the door And I made myself so strong again somehow And I never wasted any of my time on you since then That was the reason you finally told your mother, the night we had that gigantic fight about being seen in public together. I was too afraid, you were too bold, and in the end I called you that one thing I shouldn't have called you, and you walked out screaming at me. In the end we were both wrong, and we lost you. I didn't think of the times- but you should have known that your mother would hit the roof. And you were gone, in so many ways. Everything changed then, for you and for me. I learned not to trust, something that wasn't overturned until she came along so many years later. And you lost everything for the crime of loving me and telling someone that you had loved me. After you left, I spent so many sleepless nights wondering what went wrong, thinking of a million ways it could have gone differently, coming up with a thousand schemes to keep you from walking out that door. But nothing could change reality. You were gone, and once you left you could never come back. But if I touch you like this And if you kiss me like that It was so long ago But it's all coming back to me If you touch me like this And if I kiss you like that It was gone with the wind But it's all coming back to me It's all coming back to me, it's all coming back to me now She's still in my arms, for all that I know, but I can almost imagine that you're here with me instead. Reality clashes with memory and comes up wanting. She loves like you did- it takes her a little while to get started, but once she does she loves unconditionally and passionately. In her hands, her mouth, her body, she seems to echo you, channel you, maybe even be you. There were moments of gold And there were flashes of light There were things we'd never do again But then they'd always seemed right There were nights of endless pleasure It was more than any laws allow Baby, baby, baby I see it/saw it passing in front of my eyes as she and I/you and I rise/rose steadily towards climax, even our breathing coming to the same rapid pace- that strange sight that tells/told me that this is/was the real thing, more intense than ever before in my life. For the first time in my life/in the longest time, someone dares/dared to love me and treat me like a woman and not a test case or a freak. I know/knew that what we do/did is/was outside the bounds of 'normal' society, and we may/would never do it again, but love is love. When you touch me like this And when you hold me like that It was gone with the wind But it's all coming back to me When you see me like this And when I see you like that Then we see what we want to see All coming back to me The flesh and the fantasies All coming back to me I can barely recall But it's all coming back to me now I love you. I love her. I loved you. I will love her. I was in love. I am in love. I will be in love. As she brings me/you brought me/we bring/brought each other to climax, the past, the present, and the future all meld into one, and I scream your name and she screams mine into the darkness, and somewhere in the depths of memory I think that I hear you screaming mine too. Eyes closed, in this state between now and then, I don't know if I'm lying next to her or with you. Maybe I shouldn't know. Maybe I should just let myself believe that you're really here. I know it's impossible- you threw me away like we had had nothing, and in turn you threw away everything that you were. If you forgive me all this And I forgive you all that We forgive and forget And it's all coming back to me When you see me like this And when I see you like that We see just what we want to see All coming back to me I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me You wouldn't know, but I remember searching for you once, several years later. I begged Rutgers to tell me where you had transferred to, and I sought you out from there, and I waited. I came to your house after the overseas season finished, and I asked to talk to you as an old classmate. It's strange looking back, my perception clearer than ever after this night- there was so much of the woman I once loved there, but so much was also lacking in you. You claimed not to remember me, but I think you did- you were just too afraid to admit it, too afraid of the chance that everything they did to you would come undone. And I finally realize that I can absolve you of that fear. I can forgive you, and that's something I never thought I'd say. You don't know it, of course, because wherever you are, you're not here, not in reality. But everything's forgiven. Wherever you really are, can you forgive me for that night when I let you walk away- when I made you walk away by calling you by that horrible word? Slowly, I open my eyes, let reality sneak back up on me. It's all coming back to me now And when you kiss me like that It's all coming back to me now And when I touch you like that It's all coming back to me now If you do it like this It's all coming back to me now And if we... She's hard to see in the darkness, but she looks worried. "Are you all right?" she breathes. And I don't have the words to tell her that I've been taken apart and rebuilt on the inside, that I feel worse than I ever have and better than I ever have. I don't know how to describe to her the feeling I have that everything makes sense to me when it didn't before. So all I say to her is, "Yeah, I'm fine." Now I have a name for the fire that drives me to foolish lengths, and it's your name. Now I know what's kept me from losing hope in myself, and it's your strength. Now I understand why I was afraid of loving her, and it was your loss. Now I realize what I was missing, and it was you. As her lips meet mine and our bodies twine together again, I know that this is love without fear, the kind of love you and I dreamed of, given reality in her. If you could only know... |