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Weight of
It All
I'm weak when you miss me
When you roll me on your tongue..
When you whisper me your best moves
I almost believe you
But you don't know me at all
I'm covered by lovers,
Who recite lines
Convinced their bodies
Are gonna save mine
But you don't know me at all..
Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And I'll show you hurricanes
And they way that summer fades...
Underneath the weight of it all
I spent days stupid nailed to your floor
And I spent nights pushed against you
Trying to keep warm
But you don't know me at all.
Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And I'll show you hurricanes
And the way that summer fades
Underneath the weight of it all
Written by Matt Nathanson. Easily one my favorite
songs in the last few years. Ask me and I'll send you an MP3.
Avalanche
missed you
a lot tonight
had moments where the loss was crushing
taking my breath
leaving me clutching for a platitude
to buoy me in this cold water
read one of your old emails tonight
about how you loved me
about how you loved how i loved you
that you loved me and not my ideal
that was summer
this is winter
played a song for you tonight
cuddled up on the couch
with my blanket of hope
thought of books and coffee
beaches and sheets
one year and four months
sometimes the avalanche
is so goddamn quiet
before it buries you
Second Hand
Tonight after I go to sleep
The second hand will pass by the midnight hour
A new day will begin
Passing over my sleeping form
Another link in the chain
The old is out, the in is new
Only to be washed down the shower drain tomorrow
Lately it seems that every day's just another
And I'm wishing I could either fast-forward
To where I'm going to go
Or just stop caring about getting there
I'm tired
Tired of this trying
Tired of things that just don't fit
I want what I want
And I'm tired of waiting for it
I never had anyone to be strong for me but myself
Many times I was so unprepared it was embarrassing
How many times do I have to fall to learn to stop falling?
Will I be just a memory?
Tattered pages in someone's history?
The glory of the past is exactly that: the past
And yet another link in the chain
Life goes on, and lately I guess
I'm sick of feeling like
I'm a piece of furniture
In a goddamn second hand store
I'm more than that
And
I'm
tired of trying to prove it.
(Written Dec '05)
Elephant
This is my last run, boy
I'm tired of the employ
The ennui and the high tide
Setting lows that we abide
And the weeds are growing tall
Stepped on your toes when you were young
Sold my youth where hat was hung
Spent much sweat on folly's trail
Feeling short and biting nail
Planted a tree just to watch it fall
Listen to what your mother tells you
It sounds like shit now, but it'll later ring true
Don't raise your feet so high
To only kick yourself when you're down.
This is the last time, son
To heed the blast of trumpets, guns
The protocol a call to arms
To spite regret despite its charms
To get off my ass and stick it to the wall
I can only hope that one day you'll see
Life is short when long in apathy
Don't forget to live your life
While it's happening.
(Written May '95, revised Nov '05)
Sun Dance
If you want me to, I will
Not that I really want to go there
It's never like it's going to a place
That's a part of me.
More like a place that only shows where I've been.
It's like going to a funeral when you live miles and miles away from home
You see people you haven't talked to in awhile
And because you have a connection to them
You make the small talk
Which quickly runs out
All the while you're painfully obvious of the dead body in the room.
I'll say it as simply as I can
I don't enjoy looking at the corpse
I try to put in the time because I feel like I should
But I feel so damn creepy afterward.
If you want me to, I guess that I will
And when I see you now, it feels just like it has for far far too long
I'm looking for something I will never get from you again
Interest in my life
Interest in my feelings
Happy, or sad, or just fucking anything
Than these goddamn shallow pleasantries
Is this all that it is?
Because I just don't feel like going there anymore.
I just don't see the point
I just can't see past the dead body in the room.
(Written June 2005)
The Granite and the Pines
Perhaps it's the dehydration, or just last night
The Corona
The drunken talk with the one who thinks he's in control
I'm sad for him because I know he's not
He's just stuck in the tide
And he'll miss her when he's drowning in that sea
Perhaps it's the draw of the familiar
The fear of beginning again
Maybe it's just another link in the chain
On and on in its metallic simplicity
Lashed around my ankle to a cement block
I don't know
And sadly that's a theme that's repeated too often
I'm lost, baby
I've been gone so long
I don't know where I've been
Or where I am going
I think of the boy on the bike - where is he now?
Is he still riding the roads at night, aching for somewhere to go?
Does he still sometimes stand in the rain with his face to the sky?
Is he still empty, looking for something to fill him up?
I wonder if I belong here in the granite and the pines
Always trying to balance the scales
And ignoring the water rising under the bridge
Or should I leave and go tempt fate with the Irish?
Might I find what I've always wanted?
I feel as if I'm standing outside a window
Looking into a home that I haven't grown into
I don't know where I've been
And I don't know if I should stay
(Written March 2004. Lost myself
somewhere...)
Need
I am not looking for a new
skin
I'm a little more comfortable with the one I was born with
I am
not looking for a crutch, though I've used one before
Leaned my weight
hard into it, propped it into my armpit
To alleviate the pain.
All I need is some support.
I don't want someone to carry me
To buoy my ego with weightless rhetoric
I want the truth.
I don't need a game that I can't win and I hate to play
I've been a fool and I've been a pawn
And I don't need someone to hold a mirror to my face
So I can see the imperfections.
Yes, they're there.
I don't like it, but that's who I am.
All I need is some support.
She's out there --
I can feel it
She will love me and be good for me
As I will for her
No, she won't be perfect
And that's exactly what I need.
(Written March 1994. Somehow relevant to me today.)
We only hurt the people closest to us
I think it's safe to say
That I'm somewhat emotionally impaired
So much that I usually cannot convey what I feel
At the point that I'm feeling it.
And I think I can also safely say
That sometimes I'm pretty self-centered.
I don't mean to be
But if you say something to me, I may not be listening well
Because at that moment I'm probably thinking
About how to react or what I'm going to say -
So that I won't feel like an idiot -
So that you'll like me, or think I'm smart.
Acceptance and validation.
So when the communication has broken down -
When I've bottled things up so much -
I'll probably get drunk and say something stupid
Hurtful
And then I won't remember it
And spend a long time regretting it.
Nice.
And you may think that since I'm aware of it
I'll do something about it.
Well, sadly, I try.
But like the smoker who can't seem to quit,
I pick up right where I left off.
And the people that are the closest to me?
I hurt them the most.
Pennsylvania Don't want to go out today
I feel like wasting my life away
I'd rather sit at home and watch TV
Just not prepared for things I see
Not feeling too well today
Body tired, not much to say
My ex and I went for a ride, and it's hard to cover the bitterness inside
And it's cold, so cold in Pennsylvania.
When will the sun return - when will I feel like I'm at home?
Drove out from the city late last night
Then called her and we began to fight
I've been so surprised by what once was true
Life brings changes like leaves change their hue
And it's cold, so cold in Pennsylvania.
When will my strength return - when will I feel like I'm at home?
(written sometime in 1989, when it just had to rhyme. I miss what I
still call home)
The Conversation
"Hi. I'm Scott. Nice to meet you."
I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.
Oh God, help me. I hope I don't stutter, or drool, or something.
"Are you in college? Oh, I was, but I took some time off. I'm just working now."
See, I'm a pussy. I quit school, and I've been too scared to go back.
"I really like that shirt. It looks good on you. Where'd you buy it? Yeah, that's a cool place. I bought a shirt there once that was light green with white polka dots. I wear it when I go hunting."
God I hate making small talk. Am I doing OK? I feel like a total pinhead..
"Yeah, I was just bouncing around the area and just thought I'd drop in"
I'm lying. I come here every weekend out of boredom. I usually end up standing around by myself because I don't know anyone. And the ones I do know, I don't feel like trying to make useless small talk.
"And I'm glad I did, or I wouldn't have gotten to talk to you."
Christ! What a dumb line. I feel so totally cheesy. At least she laughed.
"Yeah. I thought that I've seen you in here before. I only come down here when things get too boring at my palatial mansion."
Actually, I live with my parents. It sucks. But I can't afford a nice apartment.
"So, are you here with your boyfriend? You don't have one? Why not?!? Just kidding."
I bet your last boyfriend makes me look like a redneck geek.
"What's up with that guy over there. He keeps staring at us. Really? That's your ex?"
Oh man, I was right.
"Well if you end up talking to him, and things get too hairy — just nod to me. I'll come over and act like your long-lost freshman-year bud."
I wish I were. I'd really like to know you better.
"Well it was nice to meet you. Talk to you later."
I hope. I'd really rather be talking to you than here alone. Though I bet you think I'm a total loser.
"Hey, bartender, can I get another beer over here?"
(written Dec '97, when I was still living at home w/ my parents) |
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Chase It
"Home alone and happy
Nothing brings me down
Full of wine, unsteady
Nothing brings me down"
Thinking of rainy summer afternoons
Spent in her old house among the pines
Listening to the gutters run
Her legs across my lap as we're reading
Her smile the light on a candle
While the cat feigns indifference
Coffee and conversation
Lessons still to be learned
Pages unturned in a magazine
Lifesaver, catch me later...
The greater good is understood to be coming
Soon
But I wouldn't trade the shadows
Nor the light
I've felt what I'm missing
It's right out in front of me
When I get my legs back
When I'm finally ready
To chase it again
(Written April '06)
Accident
She moves a little stiffly today
From falling down the stairs again
The bruise around her eye still showing from the doorknob
She fell into last week
She puts ice to her swollen lip
And scoffs at herself for being so clumsy
She's found the crack in being perfect
She's used to pushing herself
She knows that nothing comes easy to those who don't work
Her daddy took great care to teach her about sacrifice
Tragedy for some
To
her it's like the news on channel 3
She doesn't have the emotions left
To invest in someone else's pain
She glances at the clock on her way into the house
She knows he's going to be home soon
And she's got a lot of work to do before everything's right
He's been under a lot of pressure lately
She doesn't want to make his day any
harder
And he thinks it's alright
That she thinks there's nothing wrong
That they just seem to be going through a 'rough patch'
Soon everything will be better
He pretends not to notice
That she's long since missed her period
She pretends that she doesn't know
She's not ready for another 'accident'
(We all know someone who was - or still is - in a
abusive relationship. It's not right, and pretty damn sad)
Green
Winter's hardly begun and I can't wait for spring
I need to be trimmed of what's dead
I'm no longer green
And I'm anxious to bloom
This weight of failure that I carry makes it hard to breathe
The memories are like old clothes
I'd be happy to donate to someone else
Or to burn
And yet I wonder if she thinks about me at all
Are the memories even painful for her?
Is it hard for her to move forward?
Does it even hurt?
If there was a river I could jump into I'd go headfirst
I'd let that current sweep me to Somewhere Else
And I'd hope that it would wash me clean
Clean of regret
And doubt.
Fear
And pain.
The one good thing I can say about winter
Is that spring and summer will always follow
And I can't wait.
(Written Dec '05)
Fresh from the Pod
Selling out to the self-help line
My dignity a t-shirt slogan, sublime
I like myself at least twice a day
My substance concrete, yet tainted
Chiseled good looks freshly painted
Can't lift dust off my confidence
Polished twice to look this way
My nerves are made of chrome and steel
Driven like a tank into the surreal
Barging through the barriers I've built
Bridges under heavy wind tend to sway
I'll play the victim for my fifteen minutes
Then you're gonna have to find someone else
You see, I've found myself (or so I thought)
This rigid calm is all self-taught
They tried to save me
But I got in the way
So when you see me it isn't really him
I've worked too damn hard to cater to whim
Nothing but a Rembrandt in a coffee shop
Next to the soda machine
And the skinny boy counting change
(Written Nov '96, revised Nov '05)
Continental Divide
It has to be tonight
I can't wait any longer
I don't want to be all dressed up
Nowhere to go
No one to see
You need to be here
You need to be by my side
I don't want you to be my crutch
But please, can you help hold me up?
Because I'm an island
Isolated in an ocean
And there ain't no palm trees baby
Just wind, sun, and the sound of the waves
Chances are
That this could get fucked up
Just like the others
But maybe it is different this time.
Maybe I'm better off dead or gone
But I'm too damn selfish to quit
I want what I want
And why should I continue to settle for less?
I want it so bad I can taste it
I feel it, though I can't feel you
So you've got to come to me
And it has to be tonight.
(Written May 2004)
Why did you give up?
I found a picture of all of us
Standing by the local swimming hole
Long before you came to think that life had no meaning.
We'd laugh and laugh about everything
And never took the time to think
About all the problems we'd have to face
When time led us from carelessness.
I guess that youth had blinded us
Yet I have a hard time understanding
Why you gave up.
I wish there were no measures
Of self-worth and accomplishment
I wish that we could hold on to the joy and the wonder.
Maybe some of us can
And some of us can't.
After today there's tomorrow yet
And more lost dreams we may regret
Long after we come to learn
That life is what you make it.
I wonder if youth had blinded you
And you thought there was nothing left
Because for you, it's over.
And I have a hard time understanding...
(Written a few years ago for a friend who cashed out too soon.)
Here is where I am
Down Down Down
That's how it feels.
Desperately needing something to build it back up,
Longing to build upon these faulty foundations.
Yet afraid that it will fall apart.
Again.
Crumbling, like my confidence
And back to square one.
Yeah, I'll be the one standing there with a beer in my hand,
No one to talk to.
Again.
And as I watch the women passing by
I'll remember what it was like...
To touch, to connect, to know what to say.
Down Down Down
It's like chasing a rainbow now.
I'm still trying to find the piece that never fits.
You may think that I'd be happy even to have one that doesn't...
But I'm just so tired of finding out it's all wrong.
It'd be so easy to say I'm getting tired of this shit.
But it's how I am, and where I'm at.
Again.
How do I keep getting penalized
When it's so obvious I don't know how to play this game?!?
I guess that I'm a loner.
But I will tell you this:
It gets pretty goddamn
lonely
That's where I am.
Here.
Alone.
Again.
Cookie Cutter
I am the same as you
I am the same as you
I don't have to time to act because I'm watching you
You stand there -- hand in pocket
Standing there in your pocket of friends
Your friends are safe -- your friends are carbon
Dressed and not quite impressed
"Support the scene" -- Supporting what?
Nothing to live for except for living
Nothing to cry out against except boredom
Except apathy
Accepting indifference
Are we paving the way?
Or are we paving over the fallen bodies
Of everyone who ever tried
Are we trying to be so hip we don't see it when we bleed?
Will we fall under the burden
Of aspiring to become trendsetters?
Only to have someone else step on our hands --
To have someone else do it it better?
Only time will speak of the masses
We, the followers.
To see what became cool, what became lame,
And what line we're standing in now.
I am the same as you.
Deciphering The Code
Thirty-some years
Thousands of chances
Multitudes of minutes waiting for that moment to occur.
And I'm sitting here thinking on this half-filled bus
About the half-written words and the emotions between us
I quite often smile and hide my anger
I shake a hand to hide the knife
Steering the conversation
Boxing words -- avoiding the fight
Days in practice for nights on stages
Weekends spent as partners in sound and fury
I want to lash out but I bite my lip
I want to use my fists but I won't
And long after it's over
I'll think of the things I want to say
All the smoky rooms and the aspirin
Sharing the laughter and the pain
It's funny now looking back --
I sang the words to strangers
But couldn't speak them to my friends
Writing about my desire for truth
While tearing my heart from the sleeve...
The bus rolls on as I wish for it be be over
Thought I know I'm going to miss it when it's gone.
Ask For the Rain
Rain, strike down on me.
Be like the ocean. Pound me again and again.
Then leave me there to dry and die in the sun.
When standing on a beach in the bright summer sun
When I'm feeling no elation for the beauty revealed
I ask for the rain.
I ask it to wash all the dead skin away.
Flowers bloom in the grassy dunes.
Tall blades of grass dance like marionettes in the hands of the bay winds.
But I don't see them,
I've become blind to many things;
Cold
Passionless
Sick.
I need a hurricane so I can stare it in the eye.
I'd ask it to move me, to make me aware.
I need the wind, swirling in an angry mass,
To pick me up and toss me around.
To make me real.
Because cold, hard, fear for my life would be better than this numbness.
Rain come down all over me.
Break my reflection in the water.
Don't let anyone who happens to pass by catch a glimpse of what isn't me. |
