Daily rants and opinions...because we're THAT bored.
by Skinner - Saturday, March 1
So lots of people know about the Patriots chase at an undefeated season or Memphis's recently broken impeckableness of a run, but not too many people know of a plethora of other streaks that are worth mentioning.
Streak #1
This one involves everybodies favorite NBA player Antoine Walker. Antoine is currently on an incredible hot streak and close to near perfection this season. What exactly is he going for? Mr. Walker is currently (knocks on wood) enjoying a streak of going 289 games without jumping. So arcane is this streak that many people refuse to even recognize it, although many probably do but are simply not mentioning it so Antoine's feelings are not hurt. The last time Antoine jumped in a game was back during the 2003-2004 season when he was playing for Dallas. While finding himself in the middle of a fastbreak, Antoine took a pass from Steve Nash and according to those at the game "jumped" about 9/16 of an inch off the ground in completing a layup. Barred with controversy however is the viewpoint of some that Antoine did not infact jump, but instead was given a "nudge" off the ground by teammate Shawn Bradley. To this day whenever Antoine is asked about this game, he will feverishly relent that he did infact jump off the ground and he has a video to prove it. However once one views the video it is immediately clear that it has been edited because when he "jumps" there are major explosions on the screen, a choppy and badly editted sound bite of commentator Marv Albert saying "Look at the dunk by Shaqquille O'n-", and Europe's the Final Countdown playing with the footage.
Streak #2
Up next comes a very surprising streak that most people assume ended about two weeks into the season. I am of course talking about the streak of perfection involving the coach of the New York Knicks, Isiah Thomas. Currently Isiah owns a perfect streak so far this season (58-0 as of press time) of wanting to coach the New York Knicks. The sports population will be quite shocked to hear this, since it is widely accepted that Isiah lost his desire on November 29 when the Knicks were dismantled by the Celtics 104-59. Amazingly though he has kept at it. This makes Isiah the 3rd longest streakholder of delusion in sports, behind the second longest which is every Hawkeye fan (Zing!) and the top spot owned by Steven A. Smith who still attests that his expert analysis is, well, expert analysis.
Streak #3
This one actually involves me, if you can believe it. Currently I am in a two article streak of having a title that goes along the lines of "blahblahblah and something that has nothing to do with sports." Yes, I am quite comical with my polorizing headings that I'm sure make you go "That's creative to take two seemingly uninvolving statements and juxtapose them in a hilarious fashion" or maybe even "John, you are a genious." Most people probably respond with "What the hell is he talking about?" or "What an ass-hole." Either way I take delight in formulating these titles... wait... the above title for this current article does not follow this formula. No! My streak of perfection has ended! If only there was a way for me to go back and change the title name...
BREAKING NEWS: Isiah Thomas's run at perfection has just ended as he has officially resigned as head coach of the Knicks. Let's now go live to the press conference.
Isiah: "I just have one thing to say and one thing only: F__ you! F__ you all! The Knicks suck and they are going nowhere. I do not, absolutely not, want to be hearing 'I told you so' or 'What took you so long?' I realize I made a mistake and am moving on. F__ you all! All of you go f__ yourselves... (returns to the podium after a short lived exit) I apologize for my behavior. I would like to thank the New York Knicks organization for letting me be the head coach during this time period. Oh... wait... that was my decision. DAMMIT!! F__ you all! F__ your mother and your cousins and everyone you know! F__ you! This team F__ing sucks!"
ESPN Broadcaster: "Well, that wasn't all that surprising. I guess the only thing to say is a collective 'I told you so! What took you so long?'
Streak #4
Finally we come upon a streak that takes us into the video game world of sports. Yes, of course I am talking about the streak that is currently run by the folks at EA Sports for their NBA Live video game series. The streak, which is currently running at 6 games, is shattering records every year without bound. The streak is of course: number of consecutive video games in a franchise series that have astonishingly gotten worse and worse. This comes as no surprise when graphics and features get placed above gameplay and enjoyment. I don't care that I can see the outline of Lebron James' left testical in NBA Live 08. If I want to go play a fun, realistic game I'll dust off NBA Live 98 or 99 for the pc!
Other notables:
1.) Consecutive broadcasts of Inside the NBA where Charles Barkley has uttered the line, "Let me tell you something Ernie."
2.) Perfect streak of studio albums that are absolutely horrendous by Nickelback: 5.
3.) Number of days politicians have been bullshitting us: this has actually been going on so long it is no longer countable but fortunately still remains a sad look at how futile American politics are!
4.) Number of days in a row I have eaten Cheerios for breakfast: 2.
5.) Harry Potter books that rock my socks off: 7.
6.) Consequtive semesters I have taken a Calculus course: 3. (Yay! Look at me and how smart I am!Yay!)
7.) Conseautive semesters I haven't had any female contact... Damn... number 6 doesn't seem so great now.
8.) When I should have stopped: probably number 4.