Daily rants and opinions...because we're THAT bored.
by Skinner - Sunday, January 20
That's right kids, no longer do you have to think for yourself or even make an effort to find out about brands of clothing, food, or whatever when deciding to make a purchase. No, the work of marketing and the lazy, greedy slobs who accept their money have made it so easy for you. They simply place advertising everywhere you go, so there is no need for you to stay informed or have independent thought. Simply grab your remote and wait for the commercials to start... just kidding! You do not even have to wait that long. With money taking over sports, all you have to do is watch any sporting event and you will get to learn about the names of at least 8-10 companies a game! All without any work. You're welcome!
Whew... that was good to get that off.
These days I am almost so sick of sports broadcasting that I am just about ready to give up entirely. This weekend are the AFC and NFC championships, which is something I usually watch every year. Not anymore. I am even contemplating not watching the Super Bowl. Why does money have to be attached to everything in the sporting world? Sports broadcasting needs to get back to the true essence of the game, for you see this is all that matters.
What follows is a description of the perfect broadcast of an NBA game (or NFL, MLB, you get the idea):
It is a Sunday in mid-January and (insert major network with the balls to actually do something like this) is starting their coverage of the NBA. In store is a triple-header, with one game on at 12:00, the next game on at 2:30, and the final game starting at 7:00 (central time). This broadcast will interestingly be not the first broadcast of the season, no, but the 10th or so (Gasp! But that would mean no infomercials in the afternoon! Then no crappy primetime programing! No!). The teams playing will be decided a few days prior to the broadcast, because once again (insert station) has the balls to own all games for this day and then decide which games are best based on who are the hottest teams in the league (Bye-Bye Miami Heat!).There will be no dumb-ass pregame with excerpts from celebnities that I don't give a shit about. There will be no "expert" analysis, because I just don't give a fuck what Steven A. Smith has to say.
Now to the game itself:
Introducing the game will not be some crappy pop artist, but will instead be a voice over by a respectable sports journalist (i.e. someone who isn't from ESPN) like Bob Costas, Dick Stockton, or Ernie Johnson talking about today's game and how each team has done so far this season. Then comes the amazing NBA on NBC theme song (da-da da-da da-da-da-da, da-da da-da da da-da da-da da-da da-da) and a rush just goes through your body because you know you are going to be watching some good basketball. Then cut to a screen showing the starting lineups of each team and then the game starts.
But, wait where is the commentary of two knuckleheads about this or that?
Gone!
That's right no commentary and not just before the game but also during the game. No more listening to Mike Breen talking about how Dwyane Wade has the greatest moves (trick question he actually just travels half the time, but it's the NBA, so who doesn't?). The only audio broadcasted will be the crowd and all the court sounds (sneaker noises, player talk, ball bouncing, etc.), that way you can get a feel for the atmosphere of the game.
The camera angle will be the simple camera angle that is orthogonal (Yay, I'm a math major!) to the court. No crazy camera connected to some wires that costs more than it is worth and certainly no "boob cam." There are no TV timeouts and no commercials either, and when there are game timeouts there will be graphics showing scores from other games. Those graphics will also, by the way, only be shown during these times, because there doesn't need to be a scrolling "bottomline" running at all times giving everyone A.D.D. Also there will be no constant score overlay. Instead it will only be shown after baskets or at crucial stages in the game. No graphics constantly telling you the shot clock and no yellow dots showing you how many timeouts a team has. Every once and a while a stat box will occur showing a notable feature, but only if it is of recognition. Example: Line - Lebron James is shooting 1/18 from the field (Ouch!).
The halftime show will not be brought to you by anything and will consist of highlights of other games and also the current game. Maybe every so often there will be a feature about a certain player or coach, but only if there is some meaning to it. Then back to the game. When the game is over there will be no rediculus post-game interviews becuase they are all systematic anyways. All it will be is a showing of the final score and then on to the next game where the same rules apply.
Then at the end of the night there will finally be commentary by actual experts (note how there are no quotation marks) with the best show on TV Inside the NBA. There are no commercials during this either. You will get a half-hour of E.J, Chuck, and The Jet, talking and making valid points on basketball and other topics, as well as playing everyone's favorite grammatically incorrect game Who He Play For?
When Inside ends the station would just go off air, because to try and put something on after what just took place would be a waste of time. Everything else is simply too inferior to even be considered to exist.
Go ahead ABC, I mean ESPN, and try to come up with something better than that. Wait, don't it would be a waste of time. Just go ahead and give all rights to me so your shitty broadcasts can cease to exist.