Daily rants and opinions...because we're THAT bored.
by Skinner - Monday, January 21
About a few years ago I did a review of the Big 12 where I used some nice rankings and equations to describe the team's season. This is the NBA though, so I have to step it up a notch!
New Grading Scale:
A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl = Very Good
A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card = Good
A Soapbox = Fair
A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones = Bad
A Picture of Tugan Sokhiev and Carlo Rizzi enjoying a drink of oolong on a dreary, blustery day in mid-December at Summer Garden = Very Bad
Miami Heat = Unparelled Levels of Sucking
New John Skinner Power Ranking (JoSkPoRa) configuration:
(Wins x Losses + my UNI student I.D. number - number of home runs Catfish Hunter hit in his career in the MLB + number of awards won by The Datsuns at the 2003 Tuis awards in New Zealand^2-number of socks Sam Cassell has in his house x number of jelly beans the average NBA player eats in a given year) x 0 = Joskpora!
Here are the teams:
Eastern Confernence
Atlantic Division
Boston Celtics: What can you say about the best team in the NBA right now... well they are the best team in the NBA right now! The tenacious defense and then the teamwork on offense makes this team look like a lot of Celtics teams from the past. The big 3 have done an outstanding job and so far KG is very easily the MVP. Not that individual awards matter for this team though. The only thing that matters is the ring! Would not surprise me one bit to see the Celtics win it all. Don't forget about the role players for the Celtics, for they are just as vital to the team as the Big 3. Rajon Rondo has surprised me quite a bit with his stellar play, even though he is still somewhat inconsistent. He should grow into one of the better point guards in the league as long as he has got the talent around him that he does now. If Boston is healthy come playoff time then it should be a quick trip to the Eastern conference final versus Detriot for a good series.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Toronto: After Toronto's surprising season last year, what would come to a team that loses Morris Peterson but gains Jamario Moon. So far they have been descent. Chris Bosh is having a great year again and should be an All-Star (Ain't that right Bubba?). T.J. Ford once again plays phenominal when he is healthy but that has been about half the time so far this season. If this team can stay healthy and get Garbajosa back they might be able to make a run at the 3 seed.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
New Jersey: Disappointing. That has been the Nets for the past few years, especially since they got Vince Carter. Jason Kidd gets a triple-double every other night, but the only number that matters is wins. Sean Williams has had a nice rookie season, but it hasn't been enough. If New Jersey makes the playoffs they are likely a one and done team.
Grade - A Picture of Tugan Sokhiev and Carlo Rizzi enjoying a drink of oolong on a dreary, blustery day in mid-December at Summer Garden
Philadelphia: An emotional powerful movie from 1993 directed by Jonathon Demme starring Tom Hanks as a gay lawyer with AIDS who gets fired by his firm. Denzel Washington co-stars as the initially homophobic lawyer who is representing Hank's character Andrew Beckett. Plot not the best, but there are some tear-jerking moments near the end. 4/5 stars!
Grade - A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones
New York: Ah Isiah. Isiah. Isiah. Isiah. You just couldn't stop with being in the front office could you? Coming into this season I thought the Knicks would be a playoff team with the addition of Zach Randolph, but instead we get the same old song and dance from Madison Square Garden. No hustle. No defense. No teamwork. New York needs to trade away their veteran players, fire Isiah and the rest of the front office, and rebuild.
Grade - Miami Heat
Central Division
Detroit: The Pistons are back to their old form again with Antonio McDyess playing like the young rookie out of Alabama for Denver. Well, maybe not quite but he is playing solid. The rest of the starters are once again having great years, but what will matter this year is how the team does in the conference finals against a likely Boston.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Cleveland: A bad start had me thinking this team would pull a Miami Heat, but they have been playing better lately. Lebron is still Lebron. Shooting too many threes but dominating in almost every other area. Amazing to think that the NBA gets 10-15 more years of this guy. Clevaland is never going to win the title with the surrounding players of current times. A few changes here and there and this team could be a title contender every year (Adding Mike Bibby?). This team shoud be a 4 or a 5 seed but if they stay as hot as they currently are then they could climb to the 3 or maybe even 2 seed.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
Indiana: Reggie Miller, Jermaine O'Neal, and Ron Artest look to lead the Pacers to a great season and make a run in the playoffs... oh, wait those days are gone. Amazing how you can go from best record in the NBA to below .500 team in just a few years. Indiana has been a very incosistent team so far. They have turned into the Golden State Warriors of last year, this year, out east (huh?). Putting up some good numbers offensitvely, but not playing much defense. Dunleavy and Granger are like Jason Richardson and Stephen Jackson. Seriously the simularities are there. If they are the eighth seed watch out Boston. Just kidding this team isn't going anywhere.
Grade - A Soapbox
Chicago: Ah another big disappointment. First off Kobe would not have solved their troubles. This team needs an inside presence on offense. It has all been said before, but Chicago is a jump shooting team. Being able to make jump shots is a good thing, but if that is the only offense a team has they will not go anywhere until there is some balance. They should trade away Ben Wallace while they can and get a young post player to develop. Seriously Ben why didn't you just stay in Detroit? You had Rasheed to back you up so you weren't that much of an offensive liability. I guess that is what happens when players chase after the $$$.
Grade - A Picture of Tugan Sokhiev and Carlo Rizzi enjoying a drink of oolong on a dreary, blustery day in mid-December at Summer Garden
Milwaukee: A tough finish cost them the NL Central to the streaking Cubs. Not that it mattered, the Red Sox were winning it all anyways... On the plus side Milwaukee now has a young rookie with a first name that will be fun to create with.
"I'd like to buy a vowel?"
"Yes, what letter?"
"Yi!"
Good stuff...
Grade - A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones
Southest Division
Orlando: A nice off-season pick up in Rashard Lewis had Orlando moving from middle of the pack to the top out east. Plus Dwight Howard has been distroying everything in sight. Second in the MVP behind KG should be Dwight. Just like Lebron this is becoming an amazing look at the next 10-15 years in the NBA. Amazing.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Washington: Considering Gilbert Arenas has been injured for most of the season, the Wizards position isn't that terrible. Caron (Caron) Butler is once again having an outstanding year. Despite a couple wins against Boston this team has not shown that much potential to be a top team out east. Depending on how the team plays once Gilbert comes back, the Wizards will most likely finish in the middle of the pack.
Grade - A Soapbox
Atlanta: Let me first say that I want Atlanta to have a terrible year (Phoenix gets their pick unprotected in the 2008 draft). But if they were to win some games it would not be the end of the world. Al Horford has been a nice bright spot for the Hawks. Josh Smith is once again dunking and blocking shots like it is his job... wait that is his job (huh?). This team still needs a year or so before they have the experience to be a regular playoff team.
Grade - A Soapbox
Charlotte: If Charlotte could stay heatly (May and Morrison) they could be a playoff team, however they are in the same boat as the Pacers. They play well on offense but are lacking some effort on the defensive end. Could get hot and make a run at the eighth seed, but like Indiana they are not going anywhere.
Grade - A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones
Miami: What to say about the Miami Heat? Injuries or not this team has been big underachievers. Even with everyone heathly they are not that good. The current streak is at 13 games. I wonder how long they can keep it up. I think this is finally the end of Shaq's career. I hope he can leave the game at least while he is heathly, unlike poor Alonzo. He had a magnificent career and it is now time for him to step back. This year or next year it has got to end.
Grade - Miami Heat
Western Conference
Southwest Division
Dallas: The mavericks have been a rollercoaster team so far this season. So much so infact that Hasbro Interactive has just announced that there will be a new expansion pack for their popular series RollerCoaster Tycoon entitled Mavericks!. In it will include scenarios such as: having a theme park with constantly good profits that slips up during the summer season, certain rollercoasters that can not make left turns or go beyond 3 gs even though it used to, running a theme park not to far away from another one which is run by the former owner of your theme park, and more!
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
New Orleans: Last year New Orleans was expected to make the playoffs and then eventually emerge as one of the better teams in the west. Things have not gone exactly like that but the Hornets are emerging as a contender. Who can say if New Orleans has what it takes to make it past San Antonio, Phoenix, or Dallas? Only time.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
San Antonio: When the season first started it appeared that the playoffs were going to be useless and San Antonio would be the champs again. After a few injuries, some caucuses, a lot of snow at UNI, and a bad finish to the college football season things have leveled out again. If San Antonio is healthy they are the unquestioned leaders out west regardless of seeds.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
Houston: "...we have a problem." Hahahahahahahahahah! Oh boy am I clever... Seriously though Houston has got to be there right with New Jersey as the biggest underachievers in the league. TMac is injured half the time, the team can't score, and Chuck Hayes shoots his free throws like Charles Oakley on crack.
Grade - A Soapbox
Memphis: What has happened to this once playoff team. A terrible season last year without Pau Gasol, and now a near terrible season this year with him. What is going on? There is talent there with Rudy Gay turning into a legitimate young star and Mike Conley gaining some playing time after an injury. Maybe they are too young or the west is too good.
Grade - A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones
Northwest Division
Portland: The very first game of the year was Portland vs. San Antonio and I remember thinking "Hey, this Portland team is pretty good and why am I watching TV on Halloween night when I could be partying... oh yea, I don't do that stuff! Responsible John to the rescue!" Anyways after that game Portland started losing which got me thinking that they weren't as good as I thought. Then came a December surprise! No not me impregnating a woman, but the Portland Trail Blazers getting hot winning 13 in a row and now sitting near the top of the Northwest Division. All of this without Greg Oden is what makes it even more special. Brandon Roy is an All-Star, All-NBA 1st teamer, I would give my lunch to him if I could player.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Denver: Although Denver's record is good, they have not shown any signs that they are an improved team from last year. They can still light up the scoreboard and Marcus Camby is having an amazing year rebounding and defesively. Another bright spot has been the continuing improvement of Linas Kleiza. Injuries have plagued this team as always with K-Mart and Nene suffering once again. Denver may be able to make it past the 1st round if they draw the right team but they haven't shown they will make it farther than that.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
Utah: Another disappointing team, but not to the worst degree. I thought this would be the year that Utah became a top 3 team in the West, but my thoughts confuse me. I still think that Utah could do some damage come playoff time even if their seed is not the best. They can certainly play with the top teams.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
Seattle: This year has been predictable for the sonics. A young team losing lots of games and most likely getting another lottery pick. Kevin Durant has been putting up numbers, put his percentages have been worring me. His FT % is great at 86, put his FG and 3FG are at 40 and 29 percent respectively. His shot selection and consistency is going to have to improve if he is going to become the superstar Seattle (sorry Oklahoma City) wants him to be. Speaking of stupid owners who only care about money and not about the fans at all... or wait that is all I have to say. Clay Bennett enjoy your money it will not get you far.
Grade - A Picture of Tugan Sokhiev and Carlo Rizzi enjoying a drink of oolong on a dreary, blustery day in mid-December at Summer Garden
Minnesota:What team is this you ask? Well, highlight over the name and you will find the worst team in the league that fails to show up to games and also fails to show up in my review. No surprise though when they lose KG and have one of the youngest teams. Still 5-34 as of right now is terrible.
Grade - A Picture of Tugan Sokhiev and Carlo Rizzi enjoying a drink of oolong on a dreary, blustery day in mid-December at Summer Garden
Pacific Division
Phoenix: The past few years have been Phoenix's best shot at a title, with last year being the year they should have won (Thanks Donaghy/Stern!). Bitching aside, Phoenix's run at a title is no different this year except the east actually has a few teams that could win. Their record is not as impressive as last year, but that will not matter come playoff time. If the Suns need one more thing it is simply depth. Nash is the best PG in the NBA and everyone else who plays does so effectively, unfortunantely there is only seven players in this category.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
L.A. Lakers: The Lakers are easily the second biggest surprise behind Portland. What really stinks though is that Andrew Bynum is now injured right when he was in the middle of his best season. He has been dominating, grabbing all the fucking (opps!) rebounds. Kobe has been brilliant playing a great team game, and stepping up offensively only when he needs to (which will be frequent now that Bynum is out). If Bynum can come back and L.A. remains a top team they might be able to make a run, but I don't see them making it to the Finals.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Golden State: If you take away the first six games of the season Golden State is one of the best in the league. However there is a long way to go. If Golden State can pull off their playoff magic (I Believe!) again then I could see them making it to the conference finals, but likely not farther than that.
Grade - A Rare Norwegian Snow Owl
Sacramento: Another surprise although their record does not show it. Kevin Martin is probably the most underated scorer in the league. Reggie Theus has done a nice job and with Mike Bibby back they might be able to make a run (actually I would rather see Bibby go to Cleveland and help them) at a low seed in the playoff race, but not likely. Still a solid effort.
Grade - A 1992 Upper Deck Pat Listach Trading Card
L.A. Clippers: They won their first four games! Then they lost a few... and a few more... and a few more. Now they are looking at a likely bottom finish in the Pacific Division. This is not as bad as it sounds considering they are without Elton Brand. By the way in Elton's absense Chris Kaman has put up solid numbers.
Grade - A Knitted Alizarin Sweater Said To Have Been Worn Once By Orville "Hoppy" Jones
So there are all of the NBA teams and what I think of them at this point in time as I should instead be working on a Sociology paper due in 10 days. Am I going to make some predictions? Well, that is against my policy so hell no! Leave that to the geniuses at CBS Sportsline. Come Doyel or Mejia, who's your pick? I'm just dieing to find out...