PETER CLIFFORD'S JOURNAL
*Well, they are sending me to Ireland. When I requested a transfer,
I had no idea that they would send me to Ireland. I wonder how I will be
accepted there. But I know I have to leave and go somewhere. My mum is
sad to see me go, but she knows that God knows what's best.
*I leave on Sunday next. Lot to do until then. The town is Ballykissangel.
What an interesting name. I think Bally must mean valley and I know that
the river Angel runs through it, so maybe it means the valley kisses the
river angel. How picturesque! I know it is best for me to leave. I think
if I stayed, there might be some trouble. Jenny is very persistent. She
is very pretty, but no matter what I tell her, she doesn't listen. I am
not going to tell her that I am leaving. I don't know what she will do.
*It's been awhile. I'm in Ballykissangel, or Ballyk as the locals call
it. I packed my Journal and just now dug it out. I'm living in a little
house next to the Church. But the funny thing is that the Church doesn't
own it. Brian Quigley bought it last year, so he owns it. But he lets me
live here for nothing, so I guess it's all right. St. Joseph's is very
beautiful. In fact, everything about this place is beautiful. I will have
to record my entrance to this town, so I don't forget. Not that I ever
would. After I arrived in Dublin via air, I took a bus. We got almost to
Ballyk and had a near miss accident. A huge packing crate came rolling
down the hill and missed the bus by centimeters. It fell off of some lorry
up the mountain. So we all got out to see what it was but we couldn't tell.
The day was so beautiful. The sky was blue and the hills were so green
that I wanted to walk the rest of the way in. (about 3 miles). As I was
walking it started to cloud up and then the rain started. It was pouring
and I was soaked when a blue van stopped and a very pretty girl asked me
if I wanted a ride. Of course I did, so I got in. It turned out she is
the publican in Ballyk and her name is Assumpta Fitzgerald. Assumpta, what
a beautiful name. Anyway she is not too enamoured with the Church and when
she found out I was a priest, she was angry, almost rude. She let me off
at St. Joseph's. What a beautiful building. I have the feeling she will
not be one of my best friends.
*I found out what the packing case was full of. It is a fancy confessional,
equipped with arm chair and fax machine. And the Parish priest thinks it's
ok. This is very hard for me to understand. It was purchased by Brian Quigley,
the man who's house I live in. Father Mac (the parish priest) is a good
friend of Quigley's. This is going to be very weird. Father Mac took me
over to Fitzgeralds for a sandwich. Assumpta really doesn't like the clergy!
Especially Father Mac. (short for MacAnally). She was visibly angry when
he walked in and he seems to enjoy teasing her. I have met Brendan Kearney,
the school teacher. Siobhan Mehegan is the vet. Padraig O'Kelly is the
mechanic. Niamh Quigley, Brian's daughter and Ambrose Egan, the local Garda.
Liam and Donal and Timmy Joe all of who work for Brian. They certainly
are interesting people. Also there is old Eamon Byrne. He is what they
call around here a "mountainy man".
Father Mac told me I have to say Mass on Sunday, so I am in need of
God's help, for sure. I don’t know why I am nervous about it,
it didn't bother me in Manchester. I guess it is because I don't know these
people, and I think that they regard me as some sort of freak because I'm
English.
*Well, I have had several incredible experiences. The confessional
has been sent back to whoever. But not before Brian and I got stuck inside.
The automatic doors wouldn't open and someone faxed a bill amounting to
quite a lot, directly to the confessional. I sent it along to the Bishop.
So I guess that must have done something, because it is gone. Then, late
last night, I got a call from Old Tommy's wife saying that Tommy was dying
and would I come quickly. I phoned the Doctor, but I guess he had left
already. I didn't know what to do. I had purchased a motor bike from Padraig,
but his place was locked up and in my haste, I broke in but the bike had
no gas in it. I did tell him about it afterwards. He was very nice about
it. Anyway, all I could think of was that poor old man dying and not having
a priest there. So I woke up Assumpta and asked her if I could borrow her
van. She looked at me as if I'd gone crazy. "But you don't drive" she said.
So anyway she drove me up the mountain, but she told me that I had better
not do that for her. I think I would be afraid to. She would probably come
back to haunt me later. She seemed kind of quiet coming home. It's very
sobering to see someone die.
*I had quite a surprise the other night, actually the second surprise
of the evening. The first one was to be thrown into a pile of manure. It
seems that Liam and Donal are piling up manure by Edso Foleys's caravan.
So I went out there to see what I could do. There was a scuffle between
Liam and Edso, and I got in the middle of it. So when I got home, Jenny
was there, in my house. She asked me for a hug, but I didn't dare. For
more reasons than one. I went upstairs to take a shower, and when I came
down, she had made dinner (by candlelight). What was she trying to do?
I did a lot of praying upstairs before I came down. As we were eating,
the doorbell rang and thank God, Assumpta came over bearing the key that
Jenny had left at the pub. I was never so glad to see anyone. She just
stayed for a minute, but I was very embarrassed for her to find Jenny here.
I introduced them, but Assumpta had to get back to the pub. Poor girl,
she was soaking wet because it was raining outside. I couldn't believe
that Jenny thought she would spend the night here with me. When she went
upstairs, I turned out the lights and walked over to the pub. I told Assumpta
that I would use Jenny's room, because I didn't want her to come out on
a night like this. That was kind of deceptive, but I didn't want to tell
her the truth. I think Assumpta knew I was upset, because she looked at
me and said "are you ok?" It seems strange for her to care if I'm ok. Maybe
she was having a good night. If there is one word that would describe Assumpta,
besides beautiful, it would be fiery. She really has a temper. Usually
people who are like that are soft inside, however, I have yet to see that
side of her, although it was very nice of her to bring the key over.
*We are having a football game against Cilldargan. I'm the back-up
goalie. I think I'm getting too old for this. I'm still sore from the practices.
A little update. Jenny is still here. I really have been trying to avoid
her. She makes me so uncomfortable. I know she wants to talk, but I really
don't want to. I wish she would go home, but I don't want to hurt her feelings
either. Everyone in town knows she is the daughter of some friends in Manchester,
but I don't want anyone to know why she is really here. Not that I have
let her tell me why she is here. I talked to Brian about what he is doing
to Edso Foley. At first I thought Assumpta had put Liam and Donal up to
dumping the manure. I feel sort of bad that I thought she would do that.
She was so mad when I questioned her about it. I should be tired of someone
always telling me to mind my own business. Anyway, Brian doesn't care about
the Foley baby. He just figures that if he makes them miserable enough,
they will move their caravan away from the field. It is Assumpta's field,
but Brian wants to buy it. God, I really don't know how to touch these
people.
*Well the game is over. Assumpta put up the money to bet against Ballyk.
I hope no one ever finds out about that. Anyway, Siobhan told us that she
thought Cilldargan would win this time and we counted on that. And at the
game we found out that Edso Foley was playing for Cilldargan. He is really
good. Anyway, during the game, Ambrose was injured so I had to fill in
for him. Assumpta wanted me to throw the game, but I told her I couldn't
do that. She was mad because it was her money we were betting with. But
as it happened I tried my very best, but Edso was really good and Ballyk
lost. This morning Jenny told me she was leaving and going back home. She
asked me some pretty intense questions and I guess I will really have to
think about them. She asked me to come and see her off on the bus at 6:30,
so I went out to say good-bye. She told me there would be a next time.
I don't know what she meant by that but I'm just glad she is gone. We took
the money over to Edso and his wife. They didn't want to accept it, but
I told him that he had earned it by playing so well in the match. Afterwards,
we went to the pub. Assumpta tried to tease me about losing the match.
But we had a good party and spent a lot of time just talking. It was very
good.
*Nothing much happened today. After prayers I cleaned the house and
went out and planted a few flowers. Went to the pub for lunch. Helped Assumpta
a little with cleaning up. We talked about her mum and dad and what it
was like to grow up in Ballyk. I think she is beginning to like me a little
better. She opens up and talks with me more often now.
*It was my birthday today. It didn't start out really well. My motorbike
wouldn't start, again. So I had to run down to catch the bus. I saw Assumpta
washing the front windows. She asked me if my bike was broken again. I
said yes. I didn't tell her it was my birthday, but I did ask her if she
would have a drink with me later. She said that she was going out with
Niamh tonight. So I thought, "Oh well, I'll have to spend another birthday
alone." Went off to Cilldargan, to see Father Mac. He seems to know everything
that is going on in my life. He told me that he knew about the bike not
starting and he said that I was going to have to get a car. Where am I
going to get the money for a car? So in the afternoon I came home and did
a few things. Then I headed to Fitzgeralds to have a drink. All day no
one was around. When I opened the door to Fitzgeralds the first thing I
saw was a banner that said "Happy Birthday Father". I was so surprised.
There was Niamh , Ambrose, Brian, Liam, Donal, Brendan, Siobhan, Padraig
and ASSUMPTA.
When I walked in I looked at her first. She said Happy Birthday Father
and smiled at me. She really can make me either feel great or miserable.
Anyway, I got two books on driving in Ireland, and numerous cards, and
Assumpta is giving me 6 free driving lessons. I really love being in this
place.
*Well, Assumpta’s not speaking to me. Yesterday, we were
out in her van and I wasn't paying attention, at least not to the road,
and a car ran us off. We wound up in the mud along side the road. She was
so mad and she made me push the car out. But she said something to me that
I can't forget. She was yelling at me and telling me that priests don't
have to PASS the test. They get their licenses anyway. So I said, "then
why are you bothering to teach me how to drive"? She said, "Because maybe
I don't want to see you kill yourself". We didn’t talk the whole
way into town, and she made me wash the van when we got there. I guess
I'd better stay away from the pub for awhile. But it is nice to know that
she would care if I died. I guess with Assumpta, that is as good as it
gets.
*Went into Cilldargan today and Father Mac told me that I have a driving
test on Thursday. He made it for me. I don't know what I am going to do.
Went to see Judge Mickey Bradley today. He is becoming my friend. He has
so much wisdom. God grant that he will live long. I have become dependant
on our games of chess and our battle of wits. He doesn't think much of
the Church and he doesn't care who knows it. But he seems to like me well
enough. I marvel at the love that he and his wife shared, before she died.
He has pictures of her all over the room. He tells me about her all
the time. It must be marvelous to feel that kind of love for a woman. I
guess that is what makes the world go round.
*Didn't do much this morning. Went to get some groceries. Then I had
to face it. I went into the pub. There was Assumpta. I knew I had to ask
her if I could use her van for my test. I was expecting her to throw me
out of the pub. But she said, "I will pick you up at 10:00." I didn't dare
stay. I left right away before she could change her mind.
*It has been quite awhile since I have written. Sometimes I'm too tired
, emotionally, to even think. I will try to catch up with what has been
happening. Let's see, I passed my drivers test, and we had a party at the
pub. However, Father Mac, came and told me that Mickey Bradley died. Spoiled
my whole day. I realize death is part of life, but I will miss him terribly.
And he left me the keys to his car. I wept for him and for myself too.
But because of him I am the owner of a beautiful old black Javalin. Not
long after that, Ambrose Egan, had an accident. Timmy Joe accidentally
dropped a statue of St. John, off the top of the church and it landed on
Ambrose's car. Fortunately he had just gotten out of the car, or he would
surely have been killed. We were all so grateful. Ambrose was a little
too grateful. He has broken his engagement to Niamh and wants to become,
of all things, a PRIEST. I have tried to persuade him otherwise, but he
will not listen. Assumpta is not speaking to me. Because, of course, she
blames me for this..I told her I had nothing to do with it. When she is
angry with me, I feel kind of lost. I guess Niamh still wants to have a
reception. I don't think it's a good idea. Well, I'm going to bed.
*Well, it has all worked out for Niamh. I won't write down my part
in it, but everyone is happy. Especially Assumpta. Ambrose asked Niamh
to marry him again. This time in front of everyone who was at the reception.
Then a couple of days ago, Leo McGarvey came to town to cover the election,
between Brian and Sean Dooley. I was kind of shocked when he came into
the pub and right into Assumpta's arms. I guess they had been very close
at university. But when I was in the pub yesterday, he wanted to take her
out and I don't think she wanted to go. Niamh put her on the spot, though,
and so she agreed to it. She was really mad at Niamh. I wonder why she
didn't want to go out with him. I hope he treats her with respect. You
know, for someone who is so ornery, she is really vulnerable.
* Leo came into the church today and wanted to talk about Assumpta.
He is still in love with her. He told me that. He doesn't think she feels
the same way. He told me that it was almost like she is thinking about
someone else. I told him just to trust her and treat her as a friend. What
am I doing!! When I think about her, it's her happiness I want. And I do
want her to be happy. I just don't think she would be happy with him.
*Father Mac told me this morning that I was being sent back to England.
I can't believe it. I don't want to go. I realize that I promised God I
would serve wherever He wanted me to, but this just doesn't feel right.
He said that my old Bishop wanted me to come back. He asked me if I thought
the people of Ballyk would fight to keep me here. I have no idea. My heart
is very heavy!
*Leo is gone. And we are in the midst of another interesting experience.
Brian is planning a festival for Ballyk. Cead Mile Failte! He had a ram
up on a platform in a box and was going to keep it there for 2 days. Siobhan
was really upset and expected me to stop him. I don't know why she thought
I would have any influence over him, anyway. Well, Siobhan got really drunk
and climbed up to the ram. I heard she and Assumpta arguing outside and
so I got up and dressed and went over to see what was going on. Well, I
wound up climbing up to Siobhan and helping her down and then bringing
that ram down. We took it out to the hills and let it go. Then we replaced
it with one of Eamon's wooden sheep. I wonder what Brian will do when he
finds out. I can't help feeling so sad about leaving. I really have learned
to love these people. I told Assumpta about my leaving. At first she seemed
upset, then she told me to watch my back. And she meant Father Mac. I realize
that he doesn't like me, but we are supposed to rise above that kind of
thing. I also realize that some of the rules don't seem to apply to Father
Mac.
*I'm starting to write in this thing very infrequently. I just don't
have the time and when I get ready for bed, I've been so tired I'm lucky
to get prayers said. I'm glad to have this journal to put some thoughts
down that I can’t really say out loud. During the festival, Father
Mac told me I had to lock the church up at 5:00. I can't even imagine where
he is coming from. Anyway, I finally locked the church at 7:00 because
I had to go out to Niamh's to discuss the wedding plans for Saturday. As
I was walking out, Assumpta was standing there and seemed upset that I
was locking the church. So I told her I would leave it open for her. She
must have been very upset to want to sit in the church. I told her I would
be back after I talked to Niamh. Of course, she didn't want to talk to
me. Her relationship with God, is her own, and I recognize that. When I
came back, the door of the church was open, and when I went in, there was
a broken window with glass all over the floor. I must admit I was angry
with her. I thought she just walked away and left the door opened because
she has so little respect for the church. So I went down to the pub to
tell her what I thought of the whole thing and I couldn't believe what
I saw. Her forehead had a big gash in it and she had just stuck some tape
on it to stop the bleeding. A rock had come through the window and hit
her in the head. I felt so awful, not only for her wound, but for what
I had been thinking. I was so sorry I had been angry. She didn't want me
to help her, but she touches my heart so. All I could see was that awful
cut on her head. I put my hands on her face to look more closely at the
wound. Her eyes were full of tears. I don't know if it was because the
cut hurt, or because I was angry with her. She is so beautiful! I cleaned
the cut and put a new bandage on it. She only hit me twice. I told her
I was sorry that I had been angry with her. She just looked at me with
those beautiful eyes. I really have to watch my feelings here.
*I am still in shock! The wedding is over. It was beautiful. But that's
not the best part. Afterwards there was a great party at Fitzgeralds. But
I was so sad. I knew I was going to have to leave Ballyk within a few weeks.
I saw everyone having such a good time. I knew I was going to miss this
place and these people so much. I left and walked over to Hendley's and
sat on the stairs, lost in my own pain. The door of Fitzgerald's opened
and Assumpta came out. She waved to me and then walked over. She sat next
to me and said,"I'll miss you if you decide to go." I wanted to laugh and
say, "I'd never willingly decide to leave here". But I just said, "That
war has been fought and lost." She looked at me with those beautiful eyes
and said, "I don't think so". She handed me a roll of papers with hundreds
of names written on it. She told me that these were the people in Ballyk
who wanted me to stay, and it was almost everyone. She said she was going
to send it to the Bishop to make sure he knew about it. I couldn't believe
it. I wasn't going to have to leave after all. I am so grateful. Anyway,
I asked her "What about you?" I wanted to know how she felt about me. I
guess I shouldn't have asked it. She looked at me for a few seconds and
then got up and walked back to the pub. I looked through the papers, and
there on the top of the third page, written with large letters, was her
name.
*Father Mac is still very angry about my staying. I don't know what
happened but I got a call from the Bishop. He told me that my transfer
had been cancelled. He didn't say why, but I'm sure it was because of the
petition. I pretended that I was happy to do whatever he wanted me to do.
Secretly, of course, I was elated. Ballyk is having an auction on Saturday.
Whoever gets auctioned off, has to donate 3 hours of service to whoever
buys him/or her. Should be interesting.
*I guess it's been quite awhile. After reading the last couple of entries,
I know that I must be on guard with myself. We had the auction! Brian Quigley
was bought for one pound by Liam. He had him spend 3 hours on a blocked
sewer. Assumpta was bought by Father Mac. She was so angry! I sort of felt
sorry for him. And Assumpta bought ME! She had me tending bar. When Father
Mac came in and found me behind the bar, he was upset. Assumpta and I had
a good laugh about that later. Anyway, we have a play to put on at the
Ballyk Playhouse. It was supposedly written by Padraig, but later we found
out that most of it was written by Brendan, and he was angry when he found
out. They have asked me to be the director. Well, we got Enda Sullivan
to play the male lead and Assumpta reluctantly agreed to play the female
lead. But there was this love scene that I tried to clean up, but she didn't
want Enda to touch her at all. I knew she was going to be difficult. But
as luck would have it, Fionn chased a cat across the stage and his lead
wrapped around Enda's ankle and knocked him down. Doc Ryan said that it
was a bad sprain, and he couldn't be on it at all. So there went the play.
I knew it was almost useless to try to find someone that Assumpta would
play opposite. Besides I didn't like what Enda said when we asked him to
do the play. At first he wasn't too keen, but when he heard that Assumpta
was playing the lead, he said that he liked her. I really didn't like the
way he said that.
* It turns out that everyone wanted me to play the role of the priest.
Except Brian, who had invested money in the play. Anyway, Assumpta agreed
to it and we started rehearsing. The night that we were to do the ending
love scene, we were both apprehensive. She bent down (I was sitting and
she was standing) to kiss me and she stopped just before our lips met and
said "I can't do this!"
My heart was pounding. I was surprised that everyone didn't hear it.
She wanted privacy and so did I. So she made everyone leave and we started
again. The storyline was about a priest, condemned to death, and a woman
that loved him. Anyway she put her hands on my face and leaned down to
kiss me and out of the corner of my eye I could see Father Mac and several
other people. I stopped and she said "we have to finish this". "I don't
think so", I said. I told her that Father Mac was standing there watching.
She went running off. Father Mac was visibly angry. He asked me if I was
sure that this was just acting. Anyway, the night of the performance, Enda
showed up, limping slightly, but ready to go on. So I watched the play
from the back row and when she went to kiss him, I just walked out into
the hall. I don't know why, but I really couldn't watch that. Enough said.
*Someone knocked on my door last night. I went to answer it and they
drove off. It was pouring rain, so I hurried to get back in the house.
I heard a small cry from a box all covered over. I took the box inside
and there was a baby boy. He was so tiny. I called Doc Ryan and he came
over and checked the baby out and pronounced it healthy. Then someone knocked
again and it was Assumpta. She had seen the doctors car out front and was
worried that I was sick. Doc Ryan asked if I could keep the baby here till
the morning and I said I would. I must have sounded nervous, because Assumpta
offered to stay with me and help. I turned up the heat a bit so he would
be warm. We settled down in the living room. She held the baby while I
made us some tea. When I came back in with the tea, Assumpta was softly
humming to him. She looked like a Madonna to me as she held him. I could
hardly take my eyes from her as I poured the tea. She looked up at me and
said "Who could do this?" "I don't know," I said. "Probably some poor girl
who is afraid to tell her family" she said. We talked some more and I think
she is right. These kids need to know that there is help for them before
it all comes to this. Assumpta stayed with me until about 5:00. Then she
left because she didn't want anyone seeing her leaving here in the morning.
Her heart is so good. I care so very much about her.
*I will try to catch up. We found the mother and Assumpta was right.
She was afraid to tell her father about the baby. When he learned of it,
he was very forgiving and very much in love with his grandson. I went over
to Assumpta's and told her about "our baby". She was happy.
*Father Mac is trying to get rid of Brendan. Although he will never
admit that he's the one behind it. I went to talk to Brian. Of course,
Brian will do whatever Father Mac suggests. Sometimes I think that the
church's bad name comes from priests like him, who do not uphold what is
right, but only try to further their own interests. Our Niamh is pregnant.
(again) She has already lost one baby. She is almost afraid to be excited
about this one. It has been quite hard on Ambrose. I think Niamh has been
very emotional.
Kathleen had a fire and everyone worked hard and raised the money for
her house to be fixed and new furniture. Father Mac contributed five pounds.
And then he got and TOOK all the credit.
*It has been a long time since I wrote. Sometimes I am too tired to
write down everything that happened during the day, so consequently I don't
write anything. I am trying to figure myself out. There are some things
that I can't talk to Father Mac about. He wouldn't understand or he might
judge me and I don't want to give him any reason to send me away. I spend
a lot of time in prayer, trying to get some answers.
*I think Assumpta is planning to leave Ballyk. Niamh told me today
that she has an offer of a part interest in a wine pub in Dublin. I guess
she is feeling left out, because of Niamh and her water tank blew up and
destroyed part of the kitchen ceiling. I know she is discouraged. I went
to talk to her today to see if it was true that she was thinking of leaving.
Of course, she told me to mind my own business. I told her I cared about
her. It just came out!! All of a sudden she stopped being angry and her
voice softened and she said that when she had decided, she would let me
know. I left, but my heart is very heavy.
What a beautiful day!! No clouds, blue sky. The Angel was a deep blue.
I went to the pub for lunch. Assumpta told me that she is not leaving.
I tried not to look as relieved as I was. We had a nice talk. She ate her
lunch with me.
*It is very late. But it was a busy day today. Got a call tonight,
that Niamh had her baby, in the car on the way to the hospital. Ambrose
delivered it. I don't think I could have done that. Hitched a ride with
Assumpta to Cilldargan to see the new baby. He is so cute!! I held him
for an hour before Assumpta took him away from me. I think we will spoil
him a lot!!
*Went over to see Kieran. I bought him a teddy bear. They have named
him Kieran Peter, after me. How wonderful! I wonder what it would be like
to have a baby of my own. I would be so proud of him. Brian is trying to
build a road through Killnashee Woods. Is there anything that man won't
do for a pound? Brendan, Siobhan and Doc Ryan are really upset by this.
I intend to stay out of it. Padraig and Assumpta are all for it. I think
he could just as well put the road around the wood, but he won't.. He is
very stubborn.
*As I sit here tonight, I am very confused. I don't know what to do
or what to think. Or even what to feel. I try to remember step by step
what happened. I need some divine guidance, but I don't seem to be getting
it. Brendan , Siobhan and Doc Ryan went out to Killnashee. They were going
to stand guard by the huge grader that Brian has out there. If anyone came
out to use it, they would stand in front of it. It was so cold, that I
decided to make some sandwiches and tea and bring it out to them. So I
did. They had a barrel burning so they could keep warm. I had been there
only a few minutes, when we saw car lights coming up the road. Not knowing
who it was, everyone scattered. Then we all felt kind of stupid, because
it was Assumpta, bringing some sandwiches and beer. We stood around and
talked for awhile and the three of them decided to go home for awhile,
leaving me in charge. Assumpta said she would stay with me. We stood around
the barrel trying to get warm, but we just couldn't So I said, "Let's sit
in my car". So we got in and sat there. I looked at her. The wind had blown
strands of hair in her eyes. Her cheeks were pink from the cold. She looked
at me and said "We don't have much to say to each other". Like an idiot,
I said "Don't we? Why do I say stupid things like that? She said something
about the owl being chatty. Then she asked me what I would do if Father
Mac shown a torch in our window. I knew exactly what I would do, so I said
"I would tell him to mind his own business". Then she said "You surprise
me". Then , of course, I said, "I do?" And very softly she said "Constantly".
I looked at her. I saw her beautiful face reflecting the firelight. I just
couldn't help myself. At that moment, I felt so much love for her, that
I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her. Instead I reached for her
hand. It was cold. I asked her if she was cold, and she said "Yes", then
"No". I will never forget the feel of her hand in mine. I wanted to press
it to my lips, but I touched it to my forehead. I didn't want the moment
to end. But it did. We saw the reflection of car lights coming. We both
made our excuses and left. I tried to talk to her at the van, but as usual,
I didn't say what I meant. I have nothing on my mind but her. Am I a priest?
How can I be a priest? I have to talk to someone. God doesn't seem to answer
me on this subject.
*This is my last night here, for quite awhile. Father Mac suggested
that I go on retreat. He seemed to know what the problem was, without my
really telling him. Maybe this is something that priests go through. I
don't know. The retreat is to help priests get over feeling things they
are not supposed to feel. He seemed to know what I was going through. He
really isn't the kind of priest I want to be, but he is good when it comes
to these kinds of things. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to go
and see Assumpta. She has been my friend since I got here. She is in my
heart and my soul. I told her that I was going on retreat. Going away to
get my head on straight. I don't know how to interpret what I saw in those
beautiful eyes, but I think I hurt her in some way. As a priest, I can't
go on feeling this love that I feel for her. I don't know if she cares
for me... But I did see tears in her eyes tonight. What a mess we make
of our lives.
*The retreat is over! Thank God! I didn't have any time to record my
feelings or what was happening. I feel stronger. I don't let myself think
about anything. I find it easier that way. I will concentrate on more important
things, like where I am going to live. Brian rented my house out, while
I was gone. That man amazes me. I have been sleeping at Fitzgeralds. Brendan
and Siobhan are fighting. I hate to see people I care about so angry with
each other. When I left, everything seems to have fallen apart. Assumpta
has gone to London. Niamh is minding the pub. No one knows when she will
be back. It's probably better for her to stay away for awhile. But I am
fine. I intend to be the very best priest that I can be.
*I helped Niamh at the pub tonight. I know Father Mac hates it when
I do, but she needed the help. I asked her when Assumpta would be back.
She said she didn't know, but I feel like she is upset about something,
but she won't talk about it.
*I am writing tonight, because this is the only place I can come to,
to say what I feel. There is no one I can confide in. No one to listen...I
don't know what to say. Everywhere I look, I see her. Every street I walk
down she's there. Every song I hear is about her. This is a pain that doesn't
subside. Niamh told me today that Assumpta is married to Leo. This is what
Niamh has been keeping secret. Why did she do it? Did she love him? I think
not. What made me think I was ok? A PRIEST!! I walked out of the pub and
was gone for hours. I don't even remember where I went. I found myself
back here this evening. I'm just sitting here in the dark, writing by candlelight
and starring out at the stars. I can't get her out of my mind. I see her
face everywhere. I have gone back in my mind, over and over again, every
conversation we have ever had. Especially the last one. I know I saw tears
in her eyes. What were they? Sadness, anger? I remember one time especially,
when she wanted to talk to me. I shut her out. I told her I had to say
mass. When she said goodbye and thanks, her voice was so sad. How could
I have done this? I know somehow this is my fault. Will she be happy? How
can I live? I have never known such pain! God help me!
*She fills my every waking moment. She came home today. She and Leo.
I mumbled my congratulations. I couldn't really look at her. I avoided
her eyes. Mainly because she would have been able to see how much pain
I am in. Later in the afternoon she found me while I was fixing my car.
Bloody car. She told me that the battle of the bars, between Fitzgeralds
and McLogans in Cilldargan was a great idea. I told her it was a stupid
idea and if people want to waste their time fighting with each other, who
was I to spoil their fun. She said " you're a PRIEST. Spoiling fun is your
job." She started to say that she was grateful that I had made her look
at her life and make some choices. I couldn't take it anymore. I said "Stop".
She said "Peter will you look at me when I talk to you". I said her name
and looked into those beautiful eyes. She left. I could hardly breathe.
The battle of the bars is Friday. After that I will not go to Fitzgerald's
again. My heart can't take it.
*We won. Big deal! Aisling from McLogans sang a song so beautiful and
so sad that I could hardly stay at the bar. I looked up at Assumpta and
she was looking at ME. "Forgive me love, if I forsook you". Those were
the words. Oh God. I need some strength from you. It's almost too painful
to write anymore. Maybe I won't.
*So much time has gone by. So many things have happened. Assumpta and
Leo have split up. I don't really know the story, but Niamh told me that
Leo was gone. I feel pain for her as well as myself. I am at my mum's house.
She is very ill. But we have spent much time talking and she has been a
great help to me. Assumpta left to go after Leo. Maybe he will talk her
into staying with him there. I have no right to ask God for anything.
*My mum is very ill. The doctor is here all of the time now. She is
so kind. I will miss her greatly. She wanted to know what my pain is from.
She could see that I was in great pain. I told her. I had to be truthful
to her. She put her arms around me and told me she loved me and only wanted
me to be happy. She said that life sometimes takes a turn that you're not
expecting, and to not be afraid of it. "God is in charge" she said. I have
thought and thought about this.
*Mum died this morning. Her last hours were peaceful. I am so grateful
for that. My brothers and I have made the arrangements. I will miss her
so much. She was a most wonderful mother. I remember when I was a little
boy. My most favorite times were when she read us stories at night, before
we went to bed. We would lay on the floor by the fireplace and hear the
most wonderful stories. " Treasure Island," Charles Dickens, "A Christmas
Carol" and "Moby Dick" and so many more. Sometimes I would fall asleep
on the floor and she would have to carry me up to bed. I'm so grateful
to God that she was my mother.
*Mum's funeral will be on Monday. This time has brought us all closer
together. I talked to Doc Ryan this afternoon. I told him about mum. He
is very kind. I asked him what was new. I didn't dare ask about Assumpta
first. He brought it up. He said that she was home!! And ALONE!!!!! Joy.
I asked him to have her call me.
I have had some time to examine my feelings and what I wanted to do
with my life. Mum made me see that I can't deceive myself any longer. I
have to face what life has brought me. I am in love with Assumpta Fitzgerald.
And I am a priest. These are two truths. I cannot have them both. Another
truth. This is one of the turns in life that I have to face, and be unafraid.
I do not know how she feels about me. But that doesn't change anything.
I'm dealing with myself here. I’m going to take a long walk.
I need to talk to God and listen for an answer, or at least a confirmation
that He has heard what I said.
*Assumpta called me tonight. Paul answered the phone and handed it
to me. A soft voice on the other end of the line said "Hi, Peter". My heart
started pounding. She was so sweet about my mother. I could hear the compassion
in her voice. We didn't talk long, but I told her that I had missed her.
(Understatement). She said that she missed me too. Joy! I told her that
I was anxious to get home. She said that everyone had missed me. I love
that place.
I would like to record today so that I will always remember it. It
has been such a beautiful day. I got home this morning. I put my things
in the bedroom and I immediately went down to Fitzgeralds. When I went
in Assumpta was cleaning behind the bar. She had on a blue sweater and
a gray skirt . She looked so beautiful. I think I surprised her because
when she turned around I heard her take a quick breath. Then she smiled
at me and said "Hi". I asked her how she was and she said "fine, now".
She asked me how I was and I told her. I asked her about Leo. She seemed
as though she didn't want to talk much about it, so I didn't ask many questions.
I asked her if she would like to go for a walk, and she smiled and said
"yes". So we took Fionn on a lead and walked down by the Angel. What a
beautiful day!! We walked and walked. We sat for a little while beside
the river. I looked over at her and she was looking at me with those beautiful
eyes. And she was smiling. Once when I reached for Fionn's lead, my hand
covered her hand. Her skin was so soft. I didn't move my hand right away,
and she LEFT HER HAND WHERE IT WAS. Maybe I'm reading the signs that I
want to see. I don't know. But it was a wonderful day. And there is a certain
peace that I felt. I went later in the afternoon to see Father Mac. He
was his usual self, but I don't care. I told him what I had to tell him
and I know he was upset. There comes a time when you have to be true to
yourself.
I don't know if I dare to hope, but tonight was amazing. I went over
to Fitzgerald's and everyone was there. I hadn't seen most of them yet,
but when I came in Padraig was telling a joke about someone's mother dying.
I know he was embarassed when he saw me, so I tried to make light of it.
Anyway everyone laughed and we had quite a nice evening. At least for awhile.
The lights flickered and Padraig yelled for Assumpta. I know, I know, she
said sarcastically. When she had gone downstairs, Brendan asked me if I
knew my way around a fusebox. I said I did and he said that Assumpta didn't.
So I went down the stairs to the cellar and asked her if she needed some
help. Just as I said that, there was a loud explosion and a blue flash
of light streaked across the room. Everything went dark. I didn't hear
Assumpta. I couldn’t see anything. All I remember is yelling
for her. Then I felt her arm and grabbed her. My heart was pounding so
hard. But I heard her say, "I'm ok". I was so relieved that before I realized
what I was doing, my arms were around her, holding her. I could feel her
cheek against mine. I felt her heart beating and then I realized that her
arms were around ME. I could feel her hands on my back. I didn't want to
let go of her, so we just stood like that until Brian and Brendan and Padraig
started coming down the stairs. I whispered in her ear, "We need to talk".
"Yes", she said very softly. And then she moved away from me. Well, Ambrose
came later and we are all in trouble for after hours drinking. Anyway all
I can think about is her. I don't know if I can sleep.
*Well, we have been summonsed to appear in court. Everyone is very
angry with Ambrose. He asked me to baby sit for them tonight. I'm glad
I did. I didn't know if I wanted to go to Fitzgerald's anyway tonight.
I need some time to think about where I am going with this. I have spent
a lot of time praying. I have a peaceful feeling about Assumpta and me.
The pain seems to be gone. I think when she put her arms around me I knew
that it was going to be alright. I still have to talk with her and find
out what she is feeling, and I don't know exactly when I am going to do
that. Until I do, I think I will feel odd about going into Fitzgerald's.
*We went to court in Cilldargan today. Assumpta and I sat in the front
of Padraig's bus. We didn't speak much, but I looked at her a lot and many
times she was looking at me. The case was thrown out and so we aren't in
any trouble. I went over to Assumpta and said "Come with me". She did without
question. We got to the bus stop and then she said "Where are we going"?
I told her it was a surprise. Anyway we stayed on the bus until we were
half way home. Then I said "Come on" and took her hand. She didn't have
any idea where we were going. She kept her hand in mine and we started
walking to the lake on the other side of the hill. It is such a beautiful
place that this is where I decided to talk to her. I didn't have any idea
what she would say, but I knew I had to tell her the truth. So I started
talking. I told her about how I felt. How hurt I had been when I found
out she had married Leo. She tried to say something, but I knew I had to
tell her everything before she said anything. "I love you, Assumpta, I've
loved you from the start. I just didn't know it then. You are in my heart
and soul. You are everything to me. I think about you every minute of every
day. I love your spirit.. I love your kind heart, that you try to hide.
I love your incredible beauty. The breeze blew softly moving her hair against
her face. I put my hand up and touched her face. The tears were falling
down her cheeks. I didn't want her to cry. It almost broke my heart. As
I wiped the tears away, she said, "Do, you think I would have gotten married,
if I had known how you felt?""If you loved him," I said. She told me that
she liked him, but that she married him because she was in so much pain.
Then she told me something incredible. SHE LOVED ME! ME!! She told me she
had loved me for a long time, but it was obvious why she couldn't let me
know. She knew she had made a mistake marrying Leo. She said "Not just
because I wanted you, because you were not free to love me, but because
I was living a lie with Leo. NOT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED YOU. That is what
she said. I couldn't believe I heard what I heard. The tears were running
down her face. I put my hands up and took her face in my hands and wiped
the tears from her cheeks. She looked at me with those eyes and I kissed
her mouth. I have wanted to do that since the play. Only now we are not
pretending.