Jimmy: "What is going on with my hair for heaven's sake?"
Tina: "Should've spent more money on that wig."
Jimmy: "It looks like a wig doesn't it? Its just one of those bad hair days."
Jimmy: "According to his daughter, the comedy actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business, which raises and interesting question-- who is stopping Jerry Van Dyke from retiring from show business?
Both: "End-- scene."
Jimmy: "Last night Bill Clinton officially signed a lease to rent office space on 125th Street in Harlem. One elderly Harlem woman was heard greeting the President saying, 'Well, there goes the neighborhood.'"
Jimmy: "Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference a spokesman for the company stated-- 'Sixty... sixty-five workers-- Ha ha ha ha ha. HA ha ha ha ha ha.'
News of the firing has been brought to you by the letters F and U."
Jimmy: "Earlier this week doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cell phone from a woman's rectum. Don't you hate those A-holes who are always on the cell phone?-- Wait-- wait-- Everytime the phone rings she blames it on the dog. Quick review of the new Nokia cell phone-- it stinks."
Jimmy: "On Wednesday over 60 medical and womans' groups told the government that the morning after contriceptive pill is safe and should be sold in drug stores and supermarkets with out a subscription. Yeah, so you're gonna see, uh-- 'Okay, I need a price check on the whore pills. I got a drunk girl in a prom dress-- price check-- whore pills?'"
Jimmy: "This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprihended the person who let the dogs out."
Jimmy: "As part of the building's 200th birthday extensive renivations have been done on 6 of the 7 Whitehouse... state rooms? I can't read that. I'm drunk ladies and gentlemen. Said one member of the work crew,' we would've done the 7th room too, but the President had tongue-a-' jeez. I should have rehersed. 'But the President hung a sock on the door.' That was the joke there... Oh, we're doing it live this week?"
Jimmy: "'The Producers' it stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. You know I couldn't get tickets for this play. Its sold out for like two years. But here is what I think its about-- Ferris Beuller comes out-- Matthew Broderick comes out and he's like, 'Uh, I can't believe it. I'm producing a show called Springtime for Hitler. What's the point? It could be about Hitler. It could be about Stalin. I still won't change the fact that I don't have a car. Chicka Chick-A. Oh, yeah.' And Nathan comes out. He's like, 'We're gonna produce. I'm a producer. Hakunha Matadha. For the rest of--' you can do this at home if you want-- 'Hakunha Matadha. Ain't no passing craze. Hakunha-a-a. Matadha-a-a.'
Jimmy: "Experts in Egypt are conducting DNA tests on two mummies to determine whether Egypt's King Tut was infact the rightful heir to the Pharoh's thrown. That means we don't have a Pharoh. No wonder why they're so confused on who the rightful Pharoh-- look at this ballot! I mean I wanna vote for Eyeball Eagle, but I can't tell if I'm gonna vote for Serpent Three Wavy Lines. Let me thell you something, if Serpent Three Wavy Lines gets elected, I'm moving to Crete."
Jimmy: "Al Gore is on the cover of Rolling Stone this month. Al, that's some tight khakis you got ther buddy. Are those Wranglers or Stranglers? I don't know whether to vote for you or hang my coat on you."
Jimmy: "Mtv News is reporting that Madonna and Britney will meet in May for a possible collaberation-- as they have so many, many times in my dreams."
Tina: "In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis."
Jimmy: "Last week in Colorado, a man drank over half a bottle of fruit juice before finding what appeared to be a severed human penis in it."
Tina: "Jimmy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Jimmy: "Yes, I am, Tina. It's time for "Weekend Update Joke-Off". Alright, ready? A man found a severed human penis in a bottle of fruit juice. And.. go!"
Tina: "Uh.. Hmm.. tastes like freshly-squeezed!"
Jimmy: "Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail!"
Tina: "That was a penis? I thought it was a crazy straw!"
Jimmy: "And you thought Tropicana Girl's Hand was pulpy!"
Tina: "Wait'll you hear what he found in his bag of nuts!"
Jimmy: "What brand was it? Man-sucket Nectars?"
Tina: "Uh.. man, that guy really got the shaft!"
Jimmy: "Very nice. Tina Fey! Tina Fey wins, ladies and gentlemen!"
Tina: "On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on "High Alert" this week. Then on Friday he announced that the period of High Alert will be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am! Ok, I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport into the shower with me. I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How 'bout this: you be on full alert. I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney, and you can wake me up when everything's cool. Ok?"
Jimmy: "It was reported that Michael Jackson has an upcoming role in the Men In Black sequel, in which he plays an alien, but doesn't wear a costume. Touch� Michael, you beat us to the joke this time...but we'll be back!"
Jimmy: "The Brazilian city of Esperantina has announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9. They hope you come."
Tina: "All in all a pretty hilarious news week. The Bush Administration released the newest Osama bin Laden tape which if you haven't seen it, it is kind of like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you've ever had. It's a fun video, rent that one. Israel and Palestine -- getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy's. They're fighting over a piece of land so small that they can only have an above ground pool on it. They're fighting over a piece of dirt so little, if it was in your salad you wouldn't even send it back. And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, a decision Russia is calling a 'big mistake.' But it's not a mistake, 'cause we've got that cool Missile Defense System. That thing�s ready to go, right? No? It's not? They haven't invented it yet? They can never do it? It's impossible? Great. Then, they found more anthrax in Washington in a place they had already 'de-thraxed.' I guess they're not as good at cleaning out the 'thrax as they thought they were. Good thing we never had any anthrax in this building. Oh, wait, we totally did! So anyway, I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight. Back to you Jimmy..."
Jimmy: "Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you."
Giuliani: "That does not look like me."
Jimmy: "Yea, that's your combover."
Tina: "Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to twenty pounds since leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores."
Jimmy: "...slowly getting that... "
Tina: "According to a report released Tuesday, Female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don't want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota-Land of 10,000 lakes!"
Tina: "Rapper Eminem pleaded guilty in a Michigan court this week to weapons charges and could get up to five years in prison. Meaning that the next time Eminem raps about homosexuality, he'll be able to reference specific names and experiences."
Jimmy: "New Scientist magazine reported on Wednesday that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs."
Jimmy: "Scientists believe that the dolphins' ability to use a mirror puts them at a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera."
Jimmy: "In a related story, the movie Chocolat was so Chocolong and Chocoboring, that I want my Chocomoney back!"
Jimmy: "You're gonna meet me. Meet the parents, gonna meet me."
Jimmy: "The supposed image of the Virgin Mary in the the window of a New Jersey house disappeared Tuesday when the homeowner cleaned the glass, leading many to conclude what they have already feared- there are no virgins in New Jersey."
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