The closest you can get to your youth is to start repeating your follies.
Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Beware of a day during which you don't have something to complain about.
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing."
People usually get what's coming to them... unless it's been mailed.
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected president of the United States.
Corollary
Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American people will vote for the less bald of the two.
He that snores falls asleep first
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check
The tallest person in the audience will sit down in front of you only after it is too late for you to find another seat.
All the good ones are taken.
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
3. Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Rascality has limits; stupidity has not.
Change is inevitable---except from a vending machine.
Reality is whatever you can get away with.
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral
It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
If you have only one nail, it will bend.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Friedman's Response to the Feminist Dictum
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
Money earned in your own business will be lost in someone else's business.
A ton of anything is ugly.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Everything falls apart on the same day.
A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Virtue is insufficient temptation.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.