Somewhere in my memory

I've lost all sense of time

And so my road can never be, cuz yesterday is all that fills my mind

There's no use looking back or wondering

How it could be now or might have been…

 

-“Never Had a Dream Come True,” SClub7

 

                Sometimes, life gets to be too much for some people.  They can remember the past, the good times, but the hard times that they are going through are too painful, and the future only looks like a black hole, a massive destructive thing that is eating away at them.  That’s when they see only one option: suicide.

 

These people are heroes, in their own dark way.  In fiction, they’re called tragic heroes, the ones written about who fail at their task or journey, the ones who are used as examples for everyone else.  Their deepest, darkest feelings get to them and win the war, causing them to give up.  But no one likes to think about what is actually going through their minds when they fail.  Perhaps it’s because we are dislike dark things…or perhaps it’s because we understand those thoughts, we have the very same thoughts every day.  We merely get past them, while these “heroes” push them aside until they are consumed by them.  We fear that we, too, could be a tragic hero.

 

We do not like to admit that these heroes are sometimes the most amazing people, who allowed themselves to be overcome by dark thoughts because they ignored them in the first place to make everyone else happy.  So many wonderful, beautiful beings are consumed by this darkness, the ones who always make us laugh, who help us to forget the bad times and have fun…

 

Beyond this point is the story of one of those truly beautiful people, who never realized what he meant to the world and the world did not understand what he was to it until it was too late.  This is his story, told from his side, for those who do not understand.  He did not know how much we loved him, how he made our lives wonderful, how we would miss him.  It will always be believed that he would not have gone through with it if he had only realized how much he would hurt us…he would have bourn that pain, that hurt, that darkness…for us.  Please read on, spread his story in hopes of preventing another wonderful life from being destroyed…

 

 

 

*In loving memory of Paul G. Avery, his light leaving only a dark void in our lives on March 1, 2001.*

 

 

 

Benji sat alone in the darkness, staring at the locked wooden case in front of him.  Through the glass he saw the heavy black object…his favorite hunting gun.  A chill ran down his spine.

            “Do it,” a shadowy voice within his head told him.  He touched the glass reverently, a single tear rolling down his cheek.  “No one will miss you,” the voice whispered.  “You mean nothing.”

            “No!” he thought, fearfully.  “Help…I need help…”  His eyes strayed to the phone, and a sense of hope filled his heart.  He raced to the small stand and picked up the receiver, dialing the first number that came to mind with shaking fingers.

            Ring….Ring….  He listened to the endless ringing, thinking, “C’mon, Josh, pick up…pick up…please…”  

Finally, someone answered, “Hello?”

“Umm, hey Ms. Johnson…umm, is Josh there?” he asked.

            “Oh, hello Benji!  I haven’t seen you in a long time!  I’m sorry, dear, but Josh went out with Mike and Sam,” Josh’s mother replied.

            “Oh,” Benji said, feeling the hope drain out of him.  The sadness filled his heart once again as he whispered, “Okay…thanks.”  He hung up the phone and walked back to his position in front of the case, feeling alone and left out.  “How could they leave me? 

Why didn’t they call me?  I wouldn’t have minded going with…my best friends forgot about me…”

            He glanced at his reflection in the glass: a tall fourteen-year-old with curly brown hair and deep brown eyes.  “How could anyone like me?” he asked himself as his eyes focused on the gun once again.  “I’m ugly.  I’m a dork.  I’m not worth anything…”  Suddenly, a memory hit him.  A memory of Timberline Campground, where he and his family spent every summer.

 

 

“Peter!” Benji heard a shriek from behind his spot in the middle of the basketball court.  He spun around to see Arianna, the girl he and Peter had grown up with, hurtling herself at his brother.  She was followed by another girl who was laughing so hard she looked like she was about to fall down.

Benji watched as Arianna threw herself into Peter’s arms, hugging him tightly, then jumped back.  She was laughing as hard as the other girl.

“Sorry,” Arianna managed out after several minutes.  She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down.  “Anya bet me that I wouldn’t do it.”  Both girls grinned innocently, then Arianna continued, “This is Anya.  She has the campsite next to mine.  Anya, this is Peter and there’s my brother Sean…oh, and that’s Benji, Peter’s little brother.”

“Wassup,” Anya grinned at them.  Her green eyes sparkled mischievously as she turned to Peter.  “Can we play?”

“You any good?” Peter asked, bouncing the basketball a few times then throwing it at her.

Anya caught it and tossed it in the direction of the basket, not even glancing at it as it flew way over it and bounced into the volleyball court several yards behind it.  “Nope,” she shrugged at Peter, who was laughing.

“You’re in for Benji,” Peter said as Sean retrieved the ball, “on my team.”

Benji’s mouth dropped, but he quickly recovered, pretending that his brother’s brush-off didn’t bother him.  He forced himself to smile at Anya as he turned to go sit down.

“Wait!” Anya said.  “I saw you guys playing earlier and both of you are good…you realize that if you have both me and Arianna on your team, we’ll almost count as one player, right?  Then Benji and Sean can be on the other team.”

Peter almost dropped the ball as he broke into laughter with Arianna and Sean.  “She’s got a point,” he mocked Anya’s earlier attempt to play.

“You’re on!” Benji shouted, trying to grab the ball from his older brother, but Peter easily pushed him off and passed the ball to Anya, who bounced it a few times and handed it to Arianna, who was standing right next to her.

“Pass it here!” Benji cried as Sean untangled the ball from Arianna’s hands and ran down the court.

“Here!” a new voice shouted from by their basket.

Sean lobbed the ball to the guy, who did a lay up and made the point.

“Score!” the guy grinned at them.  “I’m James.  Sorry…your teams seemed a bit uneven.”

“Then why are you on their team?” Peter grumbled, causing Anya and Arianna to start giggling again.

Benji stood back as the group started playing again, hurt that he was going unnoticed.  He watched Anya and Arianna glance over at  the snack bar, where the owner’s sons were standing and start giggling again.  They didn’t even glance in his direction…

 

 

Benji took a deep, shaky breath, trying to understand.  Maybe they were just having fun, maybe he was just not interesting enough for the girls, maybe Brian thought he was a dork…Who am I kidding? he asked himself.  I am a dork…no wonder they ignore me.  He tried to push the thought out of his mind.  There had to be something, some memory from Timberline that helped him.  If there wasn’t something from Timberline, some memory that made him happy, then there was no place for him.

 

 

            “And I’ll name you…LaneyBug!” Benji said to the brown-haired girl, Laney, who was up at Timberline with one of his friends, Anya.  Then he looked Sarra, another of Anya’s friends, who was the quiet one, “You’re gonna be…”  He frowned for a moment, then a grin spread across his face.  “Monkey!”

            Anya laughed, her hazel eyes sparkling and the red highlights in her black hair were shining in the sun.  “LaneyBug fits,” she said, “but Monkey for Sarra?  Total opposite!”

“Anya’s now Acorn,” Benji said, ignoring her comment and picking up an acorn off the black pavement of the basketball court, causing Anya, Sarra, and Laney to all start cracking up.

            “Benji,” Anya said, calling him by his nickname that very few people called him, “I’ve known you for five years, and every summer you get more hilarious!”

            Benji smiled widely, glancing at his older brother and idol, Peter.  Peter was two years older than Benji and was an excellent athlete, plus he was a straight-A student.  Peter was considered one of the hottest guys at the campground due to his dark tan skin,

jet black hair and chocolate brown eyes.  Benji thought of Peter as one of his best friends.  It had been Peter who had taught him how to play basketball, football, and any other sport Benji had wanted to learn, and Peter always found time to hang out with Benji.

            James, part of their little another of Benji’s friends and part of the “summer group,” and Peter were playing Tip at the moment  James was a year older than Benji with dirty blonde hair and extremely blue eyes.  James had hooked up with Arianna and Sean, who Peter and Benji had grown up with.  They had met Anya through Arianna, since the two girls had become best friends almost instantly.  Both were about a year and a half older than Benji, and Sean was a year younger than him.

            “Are Arianna and Sean coming up?” Anya asked Benji, interrupting his thoughts.

            “Nope,” Benji replied.  “Arianna got herself grounded again.  She got three D’s and a C on her report card—her dad’s pissed.”

            “She refuses to study, or even do her homework,” Peter said, making another basket.  “For some reason she thinks that she can get away with that.”

            Anya rolled her eyes and grinned, then explained to Sarra and Laney, “Arianna’s not the world’s best student.”  Sarra and Laney just smiled.  Anya’s friends were often a little confused since she was always bringing different ones up.  Anya loved to share the magic of Timberline Campground.  They were a bit left out when it came to the inside jokes, but they were never like a third wheel.  They were always welcomed by the rest of the group.  Anyone that any of their group brought up always looked surprised when they met the other friends.  Their whole group was so different—Peter was the genius/athlete, Arianna was the “preppie” one, James was the so-called dork (though he was actually really cool), Sean was the little brother type and Anya was the “freak.”  Benji was always referred to as the sweet one.  Anywhere else, they probably wouldn’t talk to each other, but at Timberline, none of that mattered.  All that mattered was having fun.  They went tubing down the little river, taking in the changing colors of the leaves on the trees that surrounded them.  They would go paddle-boating on the tiny pond up at the front of the campground, or sit on the old bridge above the pond and just talk.  They would play basketball or volleyball, or challenge each other in pool, foosball, Ping-Pong, or any of the video games.  Their favorite thing to do together, though, was to just sit around the campfire at night or sit in the old park and watch the stars.  Their “social status” didn’t matter, and they loved to share that feeling with others.

            “Peter!  Hey Peter!” Benji called out.

            “What?” Peter said, pausing before shooting the basketball.

            “Can I play yet?” Benji asked.

            “Not yet…when we’re done,” Peter replied, absently, then turned his attention back to his game.

            Suddenly, Anya jumped up, stole the ball from James, and threw it in the direction of the basket.  “SCORE!” she screamed, throwing her hands in the air.

            “All right, it’s ON!” Peter said.  He shook his head with a grin and grabbed the basketball, facing off against Anya.  James dodged behind her and caught a pass Peter threw.

            “Oh, that is so not fair!  Laney, Sarra, come help me!” Anya called.

            The three girls chased after James and grabbed him before he could pass back to Peter, stealing the ball, then running down to the other end of the court.

            “Hey, you have to dribble!” Peter yelled.  He ran after them, catching up quickly.

            Benji scowled for a moment, feeling left out.  The last time he had tried something like that, Peter had gotten angry.  Loneliness seeped into his heart.  Pushing the feel back, he broke out into a song that had no particular tune, “Oooooohhhhh, I hate brothers, I really, really do…if you had a brother, you’d hate them too…brothers are mean, especially when they take your things and don’t let you play basketball with them…”

            By that part, Anya, Sarra, and Laney were all laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.

            “And brothers—“ Benji paused and looked at Peter, who had stopped in mid-shot and was looking at Benji impassively,  “—Are the best and nicest and coolest people in the world!  Most are bad, but mine’s the best!”

            Peter turned back to his shot and Benji could see he was barely able to suppress the smile that was growing on his face.  Anya was barely able to hold herself up, she was laughing so hard.

            “Benji…you are…you’re too much!” Laney managed to spit out before she broke down in laughter again, dropping the basketball.  When they finally calmed down, Anya said, “All right, I think I’m done getting beat up in basketball.  Hey Benji, I’m going to the store quick.  Wanna come?”

            “Sure!” Benji said, grateful for the opportunity to do something besides sit and watch his brother play basketball.  They walked up to the rec. hall and moved towards the glass doors that separated them from the heat of summer and air conditioning.  As Anya pulled the one on the right open, Benji slammed right into the left door.  He stepped back, dazed, then tried to pull it open, forgetting that the left door was normally kept locked.  He realized his mistake quickly, but continued yanking on the door since Anya was laughing again.  By the time he decided to walk through the right door, Anya was sitting on a picnic table, doubled over with laughter.

            Benji loved that sound.  Every time he made someone else laugh, the sadness in his heart would disappear.

            “Benji, you’re great, you know that?” she said, composing herself.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about..” he said with an innocent grin as they walked into the store…”

 

 

            The tears were flowing freely down his face as he remembered those fun-filled, carefree summers at Timberline Campground.  His eyes never moved from the gun, still

locked in its case.  Glancing down at his tight fist, he saw that his knuckles were turning white.  Slowly, he opened it up to reveal a small gold key.  He choked back a sob as another memory overtook him.

 

 

            Benji sat on the ground by the roaring campfire in between Anya and Peter.  James, Sean, and Arianna were spread out around the other side of the giant fire pit they had made earlier that day.

            “So, tell me again what happened to the chairs?” James asked, grinning.

            “My parents took them.  They decided that we weren’t special enough to sit on chairs,” Anya replied, feigning sadness.  “That and the fact that they were hoping we

wouldn’t have a campfire without the chairs…I don’t think they trust us alone with this new, giant fire pit.”  She threw a few more logs on the fire, causing it to become larger.

            “Don’t worry Anya, we still love you,” Benji said, imitating her “sadness.”  He hoped she would say it back to get rid of the growing darkness that he felt taking over.

            “Nah, I think you’re just using me for my wonderful campfire-building abilities,” Anya said as she threw yet another piece of wood on.

            “Who told you?” Peter acted angry.  “Who told her?  James?  James, I told you…”

            “Hardy-har-har,” James said dryly as they all grinned.

            Arianna leaned back on her elbows and sighed, “You know, I’ve really missed this.  No one’s been up here lately.”

            “Oh, I know!  I’ve been so busy!  This is the first weekend that I haven’t had a Revolution practice,” Anya said.

            “Revolution?” Sean asked, confused.

            “Yeah, it’s the group I’m in.  I’m an actress—right now we’re working on skits about Aids, suicide, and drunk driving, you know, to get the message across to students that they have to be careful,” Anya replied.  “I have a big role!  I love it, but it takes up a lot of time.’

            “Football starts soon,” Peter said, quietly.

            “And hockey practice starts next week,” James added.

            “Too bad we don’t live closer to each other.  Then we could get together all year round instead of just the summers,” Benji complained.  “I hate waiting all winter for the campground to open again.  It gets…lonely…”

            “Hey Peter, don’t you get your license soon?” James asked, trying to lighten the mood.

            “Yeah, I have the test in January.  I won’t get a car right away, plus I’ll have to pay for gas,” Peter said.

            “Well, you can drive us around next summer, when we get bored,” Anya smiled sweetly.

            “Our own personal chauffeur,” Sean grinned.  “Like a taxi cab…”

            “Only not, ‘cause we can’t pay!” Arianna jumped in.  They all laughed.  “Okay, James, what are you doing?” Arianna continued, staring at James who had just lit a piece on grass on fire and was pretending to smoke it.

            “Can’t you tell?” Anya said, glancing at Arianna, then the two of them said in unison, “He’s smokin’ WEED!”

            They all cracked up and James threw the grass into the fire.  They sat back and talked for the rest of the night, while Benji sat quietly, allowing his sadness to take over him and cut him off from his friends…

 

 

            Benji fell to his knees and sobbed, wishing for the past as more memories were jogged.

 

 

            “I’m beached,” James yelled as his tube bumped the sandy shore on the river’s edge.  “I’m a beached whale!’

 

            “Ha!  Skunked ya’ James!” Peter said, victoriously, finishing up a game of Tip.

 

            “Shout! Shout loud!  Shout PIG!” James cried out at the annual campground pig roast.

 

            “Life is an illusion that last too little,” Anya said, smiling widely as she stated her favorite quote.

            “What does that mean?” Arianna asked.

            “I don’t know…I read it on a wall somewhere, you know, graffiti,” Anya replied, thoughtfully, “but it sounds good!”

 

 

            “Life is an illusion,” Benji whispered, tears overflowing from his eyes again as he unlocked the large case, “that last too little.”  He reached inside the case slowly, sadly, and picked up the gun.  It felt heavy in his hands.  He slowly lifted it up to his face as a final memory came.

 

 

            The rain drizzled down around the six of them as they looked at one another.

            “The end of yet another summer…” James sighed.

            “Well, technically summer’s been over for a month, James,” Arianna corrected.  “It’s the end of September.”

            “I know, but whenever I’m up here…” James trailed off.

            “It’s like reality doesn’t exist, “ Anya supplied.  “It’ll always be summer up here for me…no worries…no cares…like nothing else is real…”

            Peter nodded in agreement, saying, “There’s always next summer.”

            “That’s nine months, though,” Sean said.  “That’s, like, eternity!  By then, we’ll all have changed.”

            “We never change up here.  Besides, it’s not that long,” Arianna replied.  “Just wait.  By next week, you’ll be so busy with school and other friends that it’ll be like this place never existed.”

            “I could never feel like that,” Benji said, feeling the strange sadness come over him.  “We’ve done this five times before, and each time it gets longer and harder to survive.  I don’t want to leave.  I never want to leave.”

            Peter reached out and put his hand on Benji’s shoulder, attempting to comfort him by squeezing lightly.  Suddenly, a car horn burst through the silence, causing them all to jump.

            “That’s mine,” Anya said, glancing over her shoulder.  “Looks like Arianna’s and Sean’s right behind them.”

Benji watched as Anya offered one last reassuring grin in Peter’s and James's direction, then darted off towards the cars with Arianna at her heels.  He felt extremely left out as the two friends hugged, promising to call each other, then disappeared into the cars.  Anya’s ride honked again when she reached up front and pressed the horn to get their attention, and she waved through the window, still smiling, the way she always was.  “Bye guys!  See ya next summer!” she called.

            “Hey Anya!” Peter suddenly yelled.  “Good luck with Revolution!”

            Anya’s face lit up and she ran back to them.  Hugging Peter tightly, Benji heard her whisper, “Thanks Pete.”

            Peter pulled back enough to look at her and replied, “You’d better call me and tell me how it goes.  Our Anya, a star”

            “I’m hardly the star!  I promise I’ll call and let you know how it goes,” she said, blushing.  She glanced at Benji and continued, “See ya, Benji.”

            The surprise he felt must have been evident, because she impulsively hugged with a look of confusion on her face.

            “Don’t look so sad, we do care about you, Benji.  If you ever need to talk, just call.  Arianna’s got my number,” she told him.  “Peter, take care of our ‘Little Brother’!”

            With that said, she jumped into the car and disappeared behind the wet window.  A tear escaped Benji’s eye as he realized how much she cared about him. “Maybe someone cares,” he thought.  “Maybe I’m not alone.”

            “I’d better go, too,” James said, turning away to walk down the muddy road.  “Later.”  With that he jogged away, making sure to dodge left and right to jump into all of the mud puddles formed from the rain on the dirt road.

            Benji watched James’ back for a moment, feeling the sadness wash over him once again.  Even with Peter right next to him and the knowledge that Anya cared about him, he still couldn’t stop the dark loneliness from taking over his heart.

            “C’mon Benji, Mom and Dad are waiting,” Peter said, pulling back to their campsite as Benji’s thoughts drifted to the bottle of aspirin that sat in his camper…

 

 

            The tears were like a waterfall, cascading down Benji’s face as he thought of the last time he saw his friends.  Anya’s grin, James jumping through puddles, Sean diving into the car to get out of the rain, Arianna rolling her eyes as her parents yelled at her…and Peter, Peter scoring the winning touchdown of the football game.  He lifted the gun up and pointed the barrel at his face, his body wracking with sobs and his hands shaking.

            “How do I say goodbye to what we had/The good times that made us laugh outweighed the bad/I thought we’d get to see forever but forever’s gone away/It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday/I don’t know where this road is going to lead/All I know is where is we’ve been and what we’ve been through/If we get to see tomorrow I hope it’s worth all the way/It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday/And I’ll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain/It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday/And I’ll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain/It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…” Anya’s and Arianna’s mixed voices rang through his head, singing as they loved to do together.  The memories…the memories he held so dear to him…it was the past though, and that was something he could never go back to.  It was gone, with yesterday.  Gone forever…

            “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…” he whispered, pointing the barrel of the gun at his forehead and pulling the trigger.  “I love you guys…”

 

 

 

*    *    *    *    *

 

            “Benji?” Peter called through the doorway of the house.  “Benji?  We’re home!  And guess what…We get to go up to Timberline early this year with dad, and everyone’s gonna be up there, and that weekend we get to have a party for Anya’s and Arianna’s birthdays…”  he walked inside, squinting in the dark.  “Benji, why are all the lights out?  Are you trying to hide so you don’t have to help us unload the groceries?  Come on, get out here!”

            A sick feeling formed in his stomach as he walked slowly into the kitchen.  “Benji?” he called, a bit more tentatively.  His eyes caught some thick red stuff on the door to the deck.  “Ben?” he whispered, his voice shaking.  He forced his feet to move to

the door and pushed it open, a scream catching in his throat.  He convulsed and looked away, feeling like he was going to throw up.

            On the deck lay his little brother’s body, in a pool of blood.  A gun lay a few feet away from him, and there was blood all over the deck.  The left side and forehead of what was once Benji’s loving face was now gone, blown away by the bullet.

            “Oh God…” Peter whispered, falling to his knees.

            “Peter?  Benji?  Boys come help—“ his father’s voice came from behind him but cut off as the sight was taken in.  “Oh no…Benji…NO!”

            Peter couldn’t move or even take his eyes off the mess as his father ran inside and called for an ambulance.  His brother…his baby brother had killed himself…he couldn’t believe it.  How could Benji do it?  They all loved him…everyone loved him.  Benji was the brother that everyone wanted to hang out with because he was so funny and lovable.  But now...Peter didn’t know what to do.  He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even think.  His baby brother was…

The police and ambulance must have arrived quickly, but for Peter it felt like hours.  When they got out back, they found Peter grasping Benji’s hand, shaking his shoulder.

“Wake up, Benji…” Peter mumbled as tears blurred his vision.  “C’mon, Benji, please…please wake up…”

“Son,” one of the police officers said soothingly, placing a hand on Peter’s shoulder.  “Let’s go inside.”

“No,” Peter said, vehemently.  “I gotta get my brother up…Benji…”

“Son,” the officer was more forceful this time as he tried to pry Peter away from his brother.

“No!” Peter screamed.  “No!  Benji, wake up…Benji!  BENJI!”

Two more officers jogged outside.  Peter saw them pause at the doorway and look at him with sympathy.  They moved over to him and helped the first officer pull his brother’s lifeless hand away and drag him towards the house.

“No!” Peter cried, over and over again.  “No!  Let me go, I need to help Benji…”

They practically carried him inside to the couch and set him down beside his mother, who was sobbing.

            “My baby!” she sat there, rocking back and forth.  Peter felt a strange sense of calmness take over him and the tears went away.  He sat back, not comprehending the events that were taking place right in front of him.  He just watched as his father knelt down beside Benji and kissed his cold right cheek, even though the other half of Benji’s face was gone.  The medics zipped Benji up in a black body bag and rolled him outside where a crowd was gathering. 

Peter suddenly jumped up.  “Mom,” he said, turning to her.  “Where are they taking him?  What are they doing?”

His mother looked up at him sadly, shaking her head.  “Mom!  Mom, stop them!”  He threw himself in front of the door, blocking the way out.  “You can’t take my brother!” he shouted, fiercely.  “You can’t take him!”

The officers from earlier grabbed at him, pulling him to the side so the paramedics could get through.

“No! NO!” he continued, unable to control himself.  “BENJI!!!”

“Calm down…” one of the officers said.

“NO!” Peter lunged as the grip of the officers slackened.  He ran out the front door and chased after the ambulance that was now pulling away.  “Benji!  Bring him back…please bring him back!”

The officers caught up to him and held him back as he tried to jump on the back of the ambulance.

“Bring him back!” Peter’s voice began to die down to a whisper.  His legs gave out, but the officers held him up.  “Bring him back…please…”  He at the officer, pleadingly.  “Please…”

Finally, the ambulance was out of sight and the officer steered Peter back into the house, away from the crowd of people and the cries of neighbors.  Peter dropped onto the couch next to his mother once again, the tears drying up again.  Another policeman handed Peter a note in Benji’s handwriting, and Peter just stared at it for a minute, not really taking it in.  Finally, he read it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Mom, Dad, and Peter,

 

I’m sorry.  I’m SO sorry.  I just can’t do it anymore.  I hate my life and I don’t want to live like this anymore…I feel so alone, and I can’t stop it.  It won’t go away, and it eats at me like some horrible monster, making me think horrible things…

Just remember that I love you guys and that I’ll always be with you.  Mom, thank you so much for being there for me all those times when I needed you, and Dad, thanks for helping me with football and homework.  Peter, you’re my idol, my mentor.  You taught me so much.  Thank you.  Please tell our “summer friends” that I love them, and I’ll always watch over both you guys and them forever.  And Peter, I think I figured out Anya’s little saying, “Life is an illusion the last too little.”  It means that life and is too short, and illusion means misleading, so maybe it means…never mind.  I don’t know what I’m saying.  I’m probably just messing it up anyway.

 

Benji

 

 

            Peter was hurting more than ever before.  He read and reread the short letter repeatedly until the words became squiggly and the lines meshed together into one large blob of ink, his vision blurred by tears that were threatening to overflow.  His little brother…his best friend…was gone.  He’d never be back to share his wonderful smiles with the world, or to make him laugh.  It was too much for Peter to take.  He could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces as he thought of life without Benji.  He fell to the floor, screaming in agony of his broken heart, shaking with the torrential tears crawling down his face.  Life would never be the same.