Simpson's Quotes

[Praying heavenward]

Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

 

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?

Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.

 

Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.

Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!

 

[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights]

Bart: It's craptacular.

Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!?

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.

Man: I've had it up to here with your "rules"! [leaves]

 

[Homer lies in a drunken heap]

Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life!

Homer: Why, what did you do?

 

Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

 

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

 

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No!

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!

Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

 

Marge: Homer did you call the audience "chicken"?

Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!

Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.

Homer: Mmmm...fuzzy.

 

Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don't think we're talking about love. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.

Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!

 

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?

Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!

Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

 

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

 

Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

 

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]

Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go the the game with me? I got two tick--

Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?

Marge: Homre, that's not God. That's just a waffle Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]

Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

 

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]

Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

 

Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... THE KILLBOT FACTORY!

 

Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

 

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

 

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me. I have to do one good deed to get into heave.

Marge: Well, I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paing the house...

Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in. I'm not running for Jesus.

 

Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

 

[Students draw pictures in Sunday School]

Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels.

 

[After getting school uniforms]

Bart: These uniforms suck!

Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?

Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked!

Marge: Homer!

Homer: Oh, I gotta go my damn weiner kids are lookin' at me!

 

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I...uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."