For a time of my life I became a man-hater - still am in a lot of ways. I had been sexually molested and severely abused by the hands of monsters who call themselves men. (see my darkness for more) Anyway -- At eighteen I was on the road in my '65 mustang - going no where fast. I picked up this hitch-hiker in San Bernadino - he was on his way to San Francisco - so I thought - what the Hell.
He told me he was gay and told me all about his lover. He was the first gay person I had ever talked to. When we reached San Francisco, I felt kind of uncomfortable- my new friend's lover seemed kind of accusing and very jealous - so they gave me directions to get to the nearest freeway. -- I didn't get but two blocks, turned the corner on Polk Street and my car died in the middle of the road.
So I get out and try to push the dead horse to the side of the curb, when these 4 guys in leather started to approach me -- I thought for sure I was going to be mugged or raped, but one of the guys said so sweetly - "oh hun, you need some help?" -- I knew I was in - well um - safe hands.
Here it was late on a Saturday night on Polk street - what I found to be a gay main drag in San Francisco. I hung out with these guys for a few days while trying to fix my car. They shared with me the most intimate details of their lives - and lifestyles.
Finally, I found this nice guy to help fix my car. I was free to go, but something told me to stay, just one more night. Later on I was introduced to these two women - they too were dressed in leather, one was a tall red-head - who seemed to be the dominant and the other was a slender strawberry blonde - wearing a collar and leash obviously the submissive.
They had told me of this "community dungeon" that they had access to - and told me of some interesting sexual practices they endured including a rather "pleasurable pain" they described it as. They made it quite clear that it was not out of violence, yet of passion -- and not to look at it as blatant pain, yet of passionate stimulation of all senses. -- next thing I knew - I felt like I had taken something like LSD - but I knew I didn't take anything - ahh - they must've slipped something in my drink! (which I do not condone but that is what happened)
I could hear what they were saying - and I could feel their touches - but I could not move on my own and could not speak! -- next thing I knew I was getting off this elevator and entered into a realm of leather and chains as if I entered a modern yet medieval dungeon.
I can still hear their soft words teaching me of passion vs. violence and of openness of love vs. the chamber of isolation. I remember my first taste of female love - so sweet - so right - I became so hungry. They lovingly bent me over a leather bench - and restrained my wrists with leather cuffs -- all the while - talking so loving - so sweet - never threatening - never violent.
The dominant kissed me long and wet - then placed a blindfold over my eyes. I then felt soft strands running up my thighs and a soft swat of the leather laces. OH man!! -- a state of unknowing turned into intense hunger for more - I couldn't speak - but it was as if she knew what I wanted - what I needed -- the loving lashings became harder - i could feel the sensations running throughout my inner being - a high of it's own -- I could feel the leather strands start to bite into my flesh - but it wasn't a pain I feared yet a passion i embraced. The cuffs that binded me were actually more of a release than confinement. For the first time in my life I experienced the bliss of multiple orgasms..
The rest is pretty much a blur -- but I had learned the lessons intended -- I knew now of a hidden chamber exposed in the depths of my deepest desires -- I knew now that I too shared a bisexual side of myself and loved the new level "loving" & of these new sensations of pleasurable pain - and I was, and still am, not ashamed. And now I know that there is a definite difference between passion vs. violence.
Which leads
me to my bisexuality today. I've found that it's really hard to live
with a man, without a woman, yet just as hard to live with a woman without
a man. But then it's even harder to live with them both together.
*sigh - Yet if I cant have both - What I really want in a relationship is sincerity and trueness! Just one Soulmate would make my life satisfied & complete!
I also know that I really enjoy Passion play - as long as it's passionate I'd like to play -*grin
-Now please Do NOT read into this I only want to emphasise the need to be open in Sex- MOST of the time, I just like being a Lover,
as well as, a friend. I like the soft caress on my face as my lover looks deeply into my eyes. I love to give baby powder back rubs and reach out to touch my lover with an angelic touch beyond the flesh.
So many
people fall into that mundane missionary boredom, and then lovers feel
hopeless.. - Experimentation and expansion
of limitations, respect & trust are the keys to successful loving --
you must discover your most inner desires, as well as, sharing them with
your lover -- it's important that you expand your love in every way to
keep it new & alive.
Sex today for me is a deep subject because of my violent sexual "his"tory, which seems like a curse - yet I seek a deeper level in a sexual experience. I know what surfaced sex feels like -What I want is the spiritual high of two souls uniting as one - I beleive this is like, perhaps the closest level to being Godlike if you may. Sex is Magickal to me, it is Creation - not only of babies- but of chemistry in the mind, heart and soul - much can be created in a godlike state - so much more than we have been taught!
Keep checking
back -- I'm researching many new links on expanding sexual love to
many new heights of orgasmic bliss! Most importantly keep an open
mind as well as an open heart!