Haven't written on my webpage for like over a year. Still dunno what the hell love's sposed to be like. And still get depressed for probably hormonal reasons (?). I don't need alcohol to get drunk... :|
Is there such a thing as the perfect mate? When do stop looking, and say, "close enough"? Can there be a perfect mate be in an imperfect one, waiting to be uncovered? What if there's your perfect match out there somewhere, waiting to get his/her chance at love?
What if you find what you think is your perfect mate? And then, many things start to disagree. So much, and so many - when do you draw the line and say, "I've made an error, they are wrong for me"? Maybe you hate to be wrong, and so spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself.. Is that what "working on the relationship" really is?
How do you know what love is? People are so deceiving, to each other and especially to themselves. So how do you know that your "love" is not just a sentimental theory/assumption on both your parts? Do you just keep on pretending? Do you see what you can get away with? Do you see what you give up for each other? And if you don't sacrifice anything, does that mean you don't love them or you're just too dumb to realize.. Mebbe I'm just extra lonely/cynical today... :\ G'luck for ya lovebirds~
At times like these, I look to the left, and look to the right. And somehow, I�m still alone. And for some odd reason, still alive?#060;BR>
What�s more depressing, people dying around you or you maintaining a pointless life?
Here I go writing on this dumb webpage again. Nope, no human friend for me...
How do you get to know a person? Why is it that the people that are supposed to be the ones that are close to me can't understand me, read me, or talk to me? at least about more deeper things.. makes me so sad and lonely... sigh. i can't talk to anyone. not really. webpage.. journal.. and i feel bad for asking really disturbing questions sometimes to the one friend who seems to know me pretty well, surprisingly. How did he get so close? sigh.. i feel like i'm drowning; sometimes i need to talk to a human.
You kno, all my aware life, i tried to simplify by being as honest as possible. I've made it pretty far.. but then i realize more and more that its impossible not to bs to the people you talk to, the people you suck up to, and the people you love. Its just not possible usually cuz people just can't handle the truth. You just have to be so careful of people's pride, thoughts, beliefs, feelings. gah.. i be silent for the rest of my life, speaking truth only to this dumb webpage.
Sigh.. why is it that my pylotic links are so fragile? Yeah, I think I read too much OSC, but for real. I've been moved around all my life, and in each move, I've never looked back. Since, I've learned not to be too involved, and somehow, subconsciously, I've learned to put those out of sight, out of my life. My closest friends turn into strangers and family turn into distant relatives. And now, no matter how hard I try, people are fading... and its so sad.... and I wonder if they even know it. Most probably do it too, in their minds, I am fading. But even those whose love I'm sworn to - the love is fading in my mind. So was it really love?
You know why people love dogs so much better than cats? Its because of their evil heart motives! Think about it, dogs feed like every heart motive. You say to a dog, "come", "sit", "stay", and they do it, making you feel all high and mighty, power trippy, etc. Cats just sit there and lick themselves. When you come home, your dog always runs to the door and jumps all over you. And kisses too of course. They're also the last ones to see you off, and you know they just wait and wait til you come home again since you're the center of their universe. Cats just sit there and have you pet them if they want some pleasure. See, I prefer cats because I am a giver and a server... PUHAHAHHAHA!! Repent repent dog lovers! :P
Okok, I love my doggie Pokshi. :*
You know what's the one thing that is totally unexpected, inconceivable and terrifying to people? Contentment. Seems like there is no end to our wants and desires but what if you did somehow achieve a certain perfection in one aspect of your life? Like the perfect friendship you thought impossible to find or develop with the intimacy you feared, trust you distrusted, and a liking that seems too flawless. Now what..
Now, you find that single unforgivable flaw that makes all the other incredibly good things look so trivial, or die trying. Because it only takes an instant to undo the work of a lifetime.
Or can it be, with time, this 'work' becomes immune to little attacks; it can be destroyed almost completely, but rebuilt even stronger and bigger. Is this the secret to a longer term relationship?
But I was wrong in this. Finality comes long after contentment. You may be content today, but will you be tomorrow? And what would bring it this time?
No wonder old people are sposed to be patient. Seems like life is all about waiting. First you wait to be born. Wait for school to start. Wait for break to start. Wait for school to start. Wait for break... etc. at least twenty times in your academic life. Then you wait to hear from colleges where you wait for the next big test or assignment, meeting, end of the semester, end of break, end of school for the rest of your life. And then you live another and much longer period where you work five days a week (+/-) and for some, build a little family. Then you get old, and sad to say, you wait to die. That is, if you get to that point. You wait and wait and wait, but when your waiting for that one thing ends, another appears at the horizon. And when you look back, you wonder if you've actually lived a life..
Does contentment lead to stupidity? Misery, hate, depression, anger - all this makes you think on what's wrong in the world, with your life, with yourself. But when you're content, you've no cause to find reason in your malaise, because in fact, you haven't any. And if you do find one, its stupid and trivial, seems so anyway. Ungrateful and petty, seems your depression. Because you're content. You are. For now.
What is loneliness? Is it when you figure something out and want to share
or want to figure something out and need help and you find there is no one
you can talk to either because they don't want to because its a 'downer'
or too lazy to think about things or because of the short attention spans
attributed to humans or they simply can't and you're forced to deepen your
ever growing relationship to the one friend that can do nothing but listen
and 'speak' by saying nothing at all, feeding your heartmotive
effortlessly whenever you call it? Mebbe its just me... or just
perfectionists... dunno...