There once was a great mathematician. One school he visited, there was this young man with bright eyes. This student went up to him and said, "I am such a great admirer of your work. I would so love to hear your thoughts on so many things - can I follow you and learn all that you have to teach me?" Seeing the young man's passion and desire to learn, he agreed and took him on as a disciple. They talked and talked for many hours on theories of math and many other subjects. The student would ask the mathematician many questions with his eyes bright with the passion to learn and he would answer, explaining in great detail all the theories and works he had worked on done. He began to feel fortunate to have found such a disciple to pass down his knowledge to. After 17 years from the start of their relationship, the mathematician found himself on his deathbed. The young man who had gone to away to school in Europe (but still corresponded with him via mail), came to his side. As he felt his death approaching, he asked his beloved disciple, "Of all these things I've taught you, which has served you the most?" The student seemed to think awhile. The old man looked at his disciple's bright eyes, overflowing with the passion to learn. As the silence drew long, and the old man drew nearer still to the end, a horrific thought crossed his mind. The unnaturally bright eyes, all the questions he asked! Had he ever actually discussed with him?? As he opened his mouth, he shuddered, and breathed his last.

So it seems that I died, quite suddenly too.  I just remember coming home and suddenly remembering - I just died!  Amazed, I walked around in my new ghostly shell, looking at the various individuals I had come to learn as "friend" or "family".  To be sure, they didn't seem to remember me at all.  Perhaps I had "awoken" after a lot longer period of time than I thought.  But I couldn't help but feel a little sorrow at the fact that nobody in the world missed me.  All the pictures of me were gone, nobody spoke of me at all.  So I drifted for what seemed like years until one special day, an entity spoke to me.  I say entity because I can't seem to remember details, just that he/she/it(?) spoke to me.

"So how do you like it here so far?"

"I... Nobody seems to notice that I am gone.  Where am I anyway?"

"You are in Heaven. In heaven, you get what you want - this is what you want, is it not?"

"What? But why would I want that?  For people that I loved to forget about me?  For all the words I've spoken, moments I've shared to be gone??  Its like I never existed, and it hurts when you're not only just a passing thought to others in the world, but to your loved ones as well."

"In your heart, you know this is what you've wanted.  Since you were born you only claimed nonexistence to the world.  If you knew yourself as well as I do, you would understand this."

So I've been trying to ever since.

-So tell me, are you still depressed a lot?

-Naw, I just get a little sad at times. Mebbe a little lonely.

(he leans over and says softly) -Do you still think about... you know.. killing yourself?

(laughing) -Haha, no. I'm not suicidal anymore.  But I'd die if I had the chance.