INTRODUCTION

 

You are turning 50.  Are you worried about your health?  Do you feel stressed out, have problems taking care of aging parents, worry about your children, wonder what's causing poor sex and mental anxiety, feel obsolete at work, concerned about your financial security, and have no time for yourself?  Are you fearful of what lies ahead?

 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are not alone.  Most 50-year-olds are trying to cope with an array of emotional and physical problems; many are operating on automatic pilot.  Here are just a few of the comments we heard during our research for this book: "I will fall apart before I hit 50", "My health is deteriorating", "I am afraid I'll loose my job" and  "I have no hope for financial independence."

 

The media is portraying us - your generation, the baby boomers - as happy and healthy, with high-paying jobs, children out of the nest and excelling at college. Apparently, your only worries centre around where to invest your surplus money or deciding where to go on your next exotic trip.  Those images may apply to a few. The reality for most 45- to 55-year-olds is quite different.  You are juggling questions about your health, your relationships, and your finances.

 

The seed for this book was planted when we, the authors, started searching for answers in our own lives.  We started to pay attention to our diets.  We discussed strategies for getting fit and how to survive a variety of stresses.  We brainstormed the possibilities for securing our hard-earned money.  We debated about our children's rebelliousness, their ambitions (or lack of), and their uncertain futures.  We realized we wanted to take better care of ourselves, to stop and smell the roses, to stay healthy, to explore new career ideas, to improve our finances, and dare to take new and bold steps. We were ready to make changes.

 

Then, the idea of creating an information guide and a learning tool became irresistible.  We knew that many others like us - people nearing or in their fifties - who wanted to re-assess their lives, face the realities, and take a fresh look at the possibilities.  At this age, readers, like you, want to learn how to take charge of your health and happiness.

 

In researching for information for Turning 50, we decided to send a questionnaire to men and women who were between 45 and 55.  The responses were important in two ways: they encouraged us to continue our work, and they provided the bases for a good deal of material in this book.

 

At 50, you hope to stay healthy, have warm relationships with family and friends, and be able to contribute to society. Although each person's background, expectations, and abilities are different, we can - and do - share questions about the future.  This book concentrates on an assortment of issues you face in the mid-life - common problems and situations - and ways to deal with them.  Our aim has been to help you make positive changes and make the best of your future years.

 

We challenge you to survey, assess, and evaluate your life at 50.  We all know we can do better. Should you?  As one respondent to our questionnaire put it, "If you don't take care of yourself, who will?"

 

 

ASSESSING ABILITIES

 

People's abilities do change with age and, at 50, most of us are worried about becoming physically, sexually, and mentally unfit.  Our survey shows that, although we understand the importance of challenging our body and mind,  we are not doing enough to take care of what we have. Lack of will and the discipline to put forth effort result in physical and sexual fatigue and a lifestyle full of mental stress. This is a recipe for poor health and discontent.  Yet simple exercise to music (musicopia), giving flowers to your partner, or reading baseball scores and figuring out how many games have to be won by your favourite team to stay afloat, can make you feel alive and vibrant.

 

 

MEMORY

 

Memory, in particular short-term memory, declines as we age, but wisdom, knowledge, and judgment often improve.  Brain cells normally start dying off after you reach 20 years of age. Despite these losses, most of us feel that, on the whole, we’re smarter in our 30s and 40s and 50s, than we were during our childhood, when our brain contained so many more neurons. We are “smarter” partly because we can access our increasingly large store of memories built with the passing of time.

 

Not being able to remember names or where you left your car keys, forgetting the hours for appointments, or your child’s birthday makes some people over 50 overly worried.

 

I was dining with my friend and her sister, who was visiting from Wales, and we were talking about what her sister should see while in the city. I suggested they should go and see this beautiful gallery.  But, I couldn’t recall the name.  I remembered where it was located, what interesting paintings were on exhibit, and lots of other details, but not the most important thing, the name. I felt foolish and embarrassed, but they understood.  Later that night, while sorting laundry in the basement, the name of the gallery popped into my mind. Obviously, my brain was somehow scanning and getting that information, although I had stopped thinking about it. That is very much a normal phenomenon, not really amounting to memory loss.

 

These occasional memory lapses are normal, and are not an early sign of Alzheimer’s disease.  In fact, many people age very successfully in terms of their cognitive (thinking)

 

function -- the ability to take in new information, integrate it with what they know already, and use it.  That’s what memory is all about.

 

 

HOW MEMORY WORKS

 

The memory processes depend on a chain of electrical, chemical, and physical changes to some of the brain’s 100 billion nerve cells, called neurons. From each neuron, projections (called axons and dendrites) branch out to form electrical circuits with neighboring neurons. The sensory information, received as electrical impulses, is transmitted by these axons and dendrites through junctions between the cells (synapses).  In addition, chemicals called neurotransmitters are produced at the synapses to facilitate the passage of these impulses.

 

Memorization, reinforced by repetition or rehearsal, increases the number of neurotransmitters and synapses.  It also stimulates an increase in the size of the cell bodies and the number of their smaller dendrites.  Neuron loss, decrease in number of dendrites and loss of synaptic connections can all reduce a person’s ability to process new incoming information rapidly, or to immediately retrieve (from a long-term memory) what we already know.    

 

Although old age is often equated with senility and dementia (a decline in intellectual abilities such as language, memory, and abstract thought), less than 15% of the population ever suffers from any form of dementia.  Only 12% of people age 65 and over suffer from mild dementia, and less than 3% have real memory problems.

 

 

BOLSTERING MEMORY

 

At present there are no effective brand-name drugs that improve memory. Many holistic doctors believe that vitamins and herbs can improve mental performance.  For example, vitamins A and E, are strong antioxidants that protect membranes of cells from damage by free radicals.  B-group vitamins are important for neuronal growth.  A diet rich in lecithin, a choline containing source used for formation of brain neurotransmitter, or of polyunsaturated fatty acids, which are abundant in brain cell membranes are considered as preventive agents to decline in memory.  Herbal medications such as Ginkgo Biloba, which enhances brain circulation, and Ginseng, which helps to reduce stress, are considered as helpful supplements in slowing memory loss.  Nicotine, though highly harmful for your general health, is shown to enhance brain function.  Estrogen, a hormone helpful in preventing osteoporosis in older women, is believed to slow development of Alzheimer’s disease.   

 

Although no magic pill exists to bolster short-term memory or to search out stored facts faster, other methods can help those starting to feel forgetful.  Concentration, relaxation,

verbal repetition, strong visual images, and meaningful associations are some of the ways to exercise your memory.

 

·        Write things down

To fight those annoying short-term memory losses, make a list of things to be done, and keep it where you can easily see it.  Cross out the things dealt with, and keep adding new chores, underlining the urgent and important things, dates, and appointments.  It really helps.

 

·        Avoid stress

Much of our forgetting -- where we put our car keys, what the telephone message was, or even that there was a telephone message -- is because we are often preoccupied, nonattentive, or worried.  These disruptions prevent us from concentrating and, therefore, retaining a memory even for a short time.

    

·        “Have I told you...?”

Forgetting what we said and then repeating ourselves becomes more frequent.  We know how boring it is to listen to our friend telling us the story again. When talking to friends, at parties or on the telephone, you may say,  “oh, have I told you?” and then wait for the “yes” or “no” before continuing.

 

·        Use emotions

Emotions are strongly engraved in our memory.  It is easier to remember something if you attach an emotion to it.  Instead of just telling your partner to buy bread on his way home, you ask him to buy bread because you are preparing his favourite vegetable lasagna.  Using positive emotions rather than negative ‘if you do not buy a bread I will scream’ you avoid stress, which only acts to destroy memory.

 

·        Associate in multiples

Multiple associations are particularly good for remembering names, which seem to give us the biggest problem.  The more memories you have about a person (has two dogs, volunteers in hospital) the easier it may be to remember the name.  When the retrieval memory pool is connected, it can trigger faster.

   

·        Structure your life

Leave or put things where you usually do, particularly things that you need and use all the time (keys, purse, watch, rings, etc.).  Leave the mail in a special visible place.  Attach your list of things to be remembered near the telephone that you use most of the time.  It gives you more chances to review the list, and add important callers or information to it.

·        Repeat or rehearse new facts

One of the best ways to store new information in either your short or long-term memory pool is by reviewing and repeating it several times.  For example, to avoid overdue library books you remind yourself several times, ‘Today, I have to return library books.  Then tell your partner or children that you have to return books.  This reinforces it further. And the books will be returned.  My Latin teacher taught me the saying, repeticio is mater studiorum (learn by repeating) 35 years ago. That was worth remembering.

 

Use different combinations of thinking strategies to bolster memory, and keep stimulating the brain with mental exercises that makes you learning creative, happy, productive, and dynamic.

 

 

STAYING MENTALLY ACTIVE

 

The brain appears to be far more adaptable than we previously imagined.  While many brain cells do die off and cannot be replaced, growing new and quicker pathways is the brain’s way of adapting.  Evidence suggests that intellectual stimulation can retard memory loss. People who continue to read, socialize, play games, and take up new interests show slower cognitive decline that those who are bored, depressed, or have lost interest. So, use it or lose it!  Also, stress hampers memory.  It disrupts both short and long memories.  Studies of animals under extreme stress show profound memory loss. Being physically active may not directly affect memory loss, but it can help you enjoy various activities longer.  It helps you to look and function as if you were younger.

 

To stay mentally active:

 

·        keep healthy

·        stay active

·        keep up with new ideas

·        read regularly

·        play games, do crossword puzzles

·        avoid stress

·        take regular vacations

·        expand and improve your interests

·        take courses or workshops

·        work toward a diploma or degree

·        follow current events

·        join organizations of interest and stay active.

 

Our survey showed that reading is very popular for our generation, and we use it to keep mentally active.  Many of us take all sorts of skill and craft courses.  Some are taking educational credit courses aimed towards a degree.  People who tend to perform best in later years have had higher levels of education.  So learn, keep active, and reap the benefits of the new growth in your nerve connections!

 

 

FITNESS

 

Exercise may not prolong life, but most researchers agree it makes life better.  Our survey shows that, we at 50, have a very good idea of what constitutes proper exercise for us and how important it is to stay healthy.  What we seem to be lacking is a will to exercise.   We need motivation and discipline in exercising regularly, and a drive to achieve the desired level.

 

All of us who are generally healthy should do some exercise. Regular exercise brings so many benefits.  It will:

 

·        enhance blood flow and delivery of oxygen and nutrients to all parts of your body

·        strengthen your heart and other muscles,

·        improve breathing capacity

·        burn more calories (burn fat when muscles work harder); control your weight

·        increase flexibility and mobility

·        increase energy levels,  endurance

·        improve your digestion

·        maintain your bone density and prevent osteoporosis

·        decrease risk of heart disease

·        relieve arthritis pain

 

Staying fit also affects how you feel mentally, and some exercise specialists go even further to say that regular exercise

 

·        helps you relax

·        makes you sleep better

·        reduces anxiety, tension, and depression

·        increases self-confidence

·        helps you cope with personal emergencies

·        gives you greater independence.

 

Our goal in this chapter is to educate and motivate inactive, sluggish, inert, sedentary men and women.  We urge you to start exercising and become fit.  We also want to encourage those who are inconsistent to start doing exercises regularly, and throughout the year.  Our survey showed that we are not interested in rigorous and vigorous fitness programs.  Since we prefer moderate, low risk, less competitive, easy-to-do, no-special-skills forms of exercise, we will focus on these types of exercises.  We will stress the benefits of moderate exercise, and how to incorporate it in your daily routine, making it part of your lifestyle.  With an increased sense of well-being you will gain will to exercise.  By having fun, you will be able stay motivated, gain discipline to exercise regularly, and have a drive to achieve whatever level of activity you set for yourself.

 

 

Will to exercise

 

There are lots of excuses for not exercising or keeping up with those exercises already started.  To hide the real cause, laziness, you might be using excuses of being tired, not having enough time, blaming poor weather conditions, feeling unwell, doing something more important, lacking good facilities, or needing a partner.  Instead, try discussing and acknowledging the need to exercise, read about it extensively, ask friends what they were do for exercise, congratulated those who do it regularly, and start exercising, even just walking.

 

I realized how beneficial even the most simple exercise, such as walking  could be.  As a cautious starter I decided to make a break mid-day and take a walk.  A twenty-minute walk seemed simple and easy.  At first I walked to the nearest store and back, to buy a small item, as if needing somehow to justify my walk.  Even walking had to have a real purpose.  It took me a while to feel comfortable with just walking around the block, knowing that the purpose is exercise alone, mainly to stretch all my muscles, to have a breath of fresh air, to prevent backache, to feel energetic, and to feel good.  Now walking is a need, a pleasure, and fun.

 

People exercise for many reasons: health decline, doctor’s suggestion, friend’s influence, hearing of a great new facility, having a good program at work, reading a book about yoga, wanting to lose weight, finding a place offering free classes, wanting to look and feel better, needing more energy, buying an exercise machine, joining a club.  Any one is as good as another, as long as it can make you stop finding excuses and get you to start moving.  For those with the least will, we urge you to start by:

 

·        learning about exercises that interest you

·        exploring various facilities and choosing a convenient location for your workout

·        finding a convenient time for exercising, weekends are a good start

·        joining: a friend for a walk, a workplace exercise program or a preferred class in a gym

·        finding a support group

·        exercising at home, have fun with musicopia

·        trying different exercises and sticking with exercises you like

 

Start slow and easy.  It is amazing how little it takes to feel better and reap the benefits of exercise.

 

 

Motivation

 

For me, learning more about the health benefit from doing simple daily exercise was my first motivation.  I also wanted to become fitter and healthier, avoid backache bouts, and feel and look younger. My experimental 20-minute walk, more than a year ago, has now become a part of my everyday life.  What kept me going was that I felt good about myself, not only by doing it but by achieving it. Saying “I am doing it for myself” is a great long-term motivator.

 

The key to success is to allow yourself to think and care about yourself.  It should become perfectly okay to view exercise as 

·        your time, you deserve it

·        you are doing it for yourself

·        you benefit, you have more energy

·        you look good, you feel younger

·        you are committed,

·        you are successful, you are proud of accomplishment

 

Often, especially for beginners, the motivation to continue exercising depends on the appeal of the instructor.

 

Because of my backpain, a few years ago, I took a beginner aerobic class in our community centre.  The class was run by a friendly instructor.  She took a time to explain a correct movement, warned of possible movements that might lead to injury, explained strengthening exercises, emphasized breathing, and told us to do it our own pace.  She also showed alternative moves if we found one or more too strenuous, or if we had back problems.  On another occasion, I joined another class in a middle of the program, and I found that the instructor completely ignored newcomers like me.  She was jumping and bouncing, which was clearly for her own interest and enjoyment, leaving many of us feeling inept and a nuisance to the class.

 

Starting with a moderate level of intensity, one that is within your capacity will leave you feeling good afterwards.  Evaluate your condition.  Working out ten minutes three times a week is much easier to achieve than forty-five minutes four times a week. Gradually you can lengthen your workouts and step up the pace.  Set realistic exercise goals that you know you can achieve.  Be proud of your progress.

 

 

Discipline

 

Despite the increasing number of men and women who seem dedicated to fitness, many are not doing it regularly (three times a week) throughout the year.  To stay fit, you should exercise regularly, all year round.

I was exercising only when absolutely necessary, while fully aware of the consequences of being inert.  A few years ago, when my back started hurting and my heart felt like it had repositioned itself in my throat after running a few yards to catch the bus, I firmly decided to start aerobic classes.  The community- centre facilities were only a five-minute walk from my home, and they were free. I joined the beginner's class in the evening.  I did it for a while, twice a week, then once a week.  I did not enjoy it much.  My back improved, then I quit.

 

In our community centre, every September, January, and June, when new registrations start for different activities, there is a noisy lineup of people eager to start.  In the pool or aerobic class, the first few weeks after registration, the crowd, the level of interest, and the enthusiasm are very impressive. Later, the picture is quite different.  After two months, the instructors are fighting to keep a class going.

 

Discipline is much easier to achieve if you choose activities that you like, that make you feel good.  Many men, at 50, if active, concentrate primarily on weight exercises, skiing, swimming, tennis, running, and any other sport they enjoyed when they were younger. Women who participated in physical education at school, and learned to play a sport, continue to exercise and have fun with exercises.  Regretfully, many women 50 and older were never involved in sports during their younger years. As a result, they do not feel comfortable exercising and tend to avoid it. For example, learning to ride a bicycle, swim, or skate is much more difficult in later years.  Besides, our coordination is not as good when we are older.  Bones are more brittle, joints are less elastic, we have less stamina, and we are less willing to look foolish.

 

The good news is that there are many easy ways that we can remain active, regardless of our exercise background.  Fortunately, fitness is no longer restricted to exhaustive workouts, marathon runs, or painful muscle build-up in gyms. Although physical fitness is associated with our body’s strength, stamina, and flexibility, fitness today has become synonymous with being active and perusing a variety of activities, from walking to ballroom dancing.  Researchers have found that moderate exercise -- brisk walking, low-impact aerobics, and resistance training of moderate intensity twice a week -- can provide fitness and health benefits.  For sedentary people, even housework, golfing, gardening, and bowling offer some health benefits. By being active and combining different types of exercise, even the shyest people can easily stay fit all year around. 

 

Engaging in more than one type of activity is healthier for your body because more muscle groups are put to work.  Combining different activities makes it less boring, and easier to build activity in your daily lifestyle, winter and summer.

 

For sluggish or sedentary people, start and stay with walking as your basic exercise and then add other activities to that.  Once you have achieved a basic level of activity, try mixing walking and aqua-fit classes, walking and swimming, walking and yoga, walking and weights, walking and aerobic fitness, walking and musicopia or any other combination you like. By improving your physique and staying in shape, you can then learn new sports or reclaim old ones such as tennis, volleyball, badminton, table tennis, skating, or skiing.

 

 

Achieving the goal

 

Start modestly, pushing yourself a little more at each stage, until you have achieved your goal.  The way you build better muscles or lungs is through repetition of movements in a slow, progressive manner.  Add a half-mile to a walk, add a few laps to a swim routine, increase a notch in the level of  intensity of your aerobic exercises, just press it now and then beyond its normal level. 

 

 

MODERATE EXERCISES

 

Moderate exercises are now the exercises of choice, not only for people in their 50s, but of all ages.  Moderate exercises reduce the risk of injuries, and are attainable to those people with less stamina, less coordination and who are less willing to look foolish.  Several of the most popular moderate exercises are described below.

 

 

Walking

 

With proper layered clothing and good footwear, walking can be done by people of all ages and in almost any weather.  It is an inexpensive and convenient way to get in shape, and a first-rate exercise program if done regularly.  From a leisurely stroll to brisk walking, it provides exercise with significant health benefits. Walking extends the lower spine and puts the hips through an extended range of motion, which helps maintain good circulation and promotes the health of tissues around the hip joints.  It stretches the hamstrings muscles at the back of the thigh and improves posture. Being a weight-bearing exercise, it helps maintain bone mass, thereby reducing the risk of osteoporosis and bone fractures in both men and women.  As the arms and legs move in different directions, the thorax is also rotated, making walking a total body exercise.  Brisk walking boosts the rate at which the lungs normally take in oxygen.  It enhances the amount of blood pumped by the heart with each beat, expands the network of capillary blood vessels that carry oxygen to the muscles, and raises the activity of respiratory enzymes. A brisk fitness walk, or a walk on an inclined slope can burn the same number of calories as jogging.

 

Walking is a simple and safe way to start. Begin slowly and progress gradually to the level you want to achieve.  With time, you can increase your speed, then increase the difficulty by finding hills to climb.  The pace of walking should not exceed the level of heavy breathing that causes difficulty in talking.  Sometimes aches or pains in the leg muscles may be felt,  but this should not last more than two days. 

 

 

After a long working day, usually spent sitting, a change in posture is very beneficial.  Our spine is designed for standing not for sitting.  Our muscles require work, our body needs moving.  Start walking for exercise! Don’t forget that two 10-minute periods each day meets the minimum recommended requirement of 20 minutes per day. Make it part of your lifestyle.  Here are some suggestions as to how to integrate walking into your everyday life, even for those with a busy schedule:

 

·        get off the bus a few blocks earlier and walk to your destination

Our co-worker, who takes a train and a bus to come to work, now uses only a train.  Instead of boarding the bus for the rest of the trip, he walks the 1.5 kilometres.  It keeps him in a good shape and saves him $4 every day in bus tickets!  Another friend, who does not want to sweat before starting work or during the work day, found a solution by walking part of the trip home.  It helps her relax at the end of the hectic day and gives her time to switch to ‘home’ mode and plan her evening.

 

·        walk up stairs instead of taking the elevator

One man we know starts his day by walking up six floors to his office, and ends it by walking down.  If you work in a high-rise, get off the elevator floors early, or use the stairs when going for a lunch or a break.

 

·        try walking instead of driving to your local convenience store

This can often be done during the weak

 

·        walk your dog

On my street there are a few people who walk their dogs several times a day. They seem to be rather fit and in good shape.  One lady, who lives a few houses away, walks her dog and has a surprisingly good fast pace and stamina.  She’s 80 years old.  Sometimes I feel that she is in better shape than me.

 

·        walking to do errands

Walk to the bank, to get a newspaper, to buy groceries, or to mail a letter.   Doing a walk for a purpose is the simplest way to start.  With time, it becomes fun.  Then you find yourself walking faster and further.

 

·        walk a few blocks with your partner

Once you finish with dinner, washing the dishes and watching or reading the news, put on a comfortable pair of shoes (and layered clothing in winter), and go for a 20-minute walk to a nearby park, or school, or around a block in your neighborhood.

 

·        walk in the gym

Walking tracks can be useful for people who do not want to walk outside, and who prefer the gym atmosphere.  Some people like to time their speed and their workout; they like the sense of regularity and the professional atmosphere.  They find it motivating, and they prefer a well-controlled group environment.

     

·        walk on weekends

Try developing a habit of walking during the weekend.  Perhaps you can set a destination  that is a nice distance away, for a cup of tea or coffee.

 

·        walk with a group

Join a walking club.  Combine exercise with group fun.  It can be a way to meet new friends.

 

·        use a treadmill

My brother in-law recently bought a treadmill.  He is a runner and this allowed him to exercise in winter or poor weather conditions.  This is also very good for people who have limited time available.

 

 

Water exercises

 

Swimming and aquafit programs are two ways to have good all-round exercises for any age group.  Swimming is the best exercise because of the number of muscle groups used.  It works out more than two-thirds of the body‘s total muscle mass.  Swimming strengthens your arms, shoulders, torso, and legs.  It places a vigorous demand on the heart and lungs, improving endurance, coordination, posture, and flexibility.  And since the body is supported by water, stress is taken off the bones and joints.  The buoyancy factor makes it especially good for people who are overweight, or have leg or lower-back problems. The water provides support for muscles and joints, making it ideal for those with arthritic pain.  It also improves lung capacity, which is beneficial for asthmatics.

 

The most demanding stroke is the forward crawl.  The breast stroke and side stroke can be used as a change of pace between laps of the crawl.  Cool water leads to a more rapid dissipation of heat, keeping the body temperature stable.  After a good swim, you will feel very relaxed. 

 

Whether you can swim or not, aquafit exercising can provide significant benefits.  For those with weak legs (or painful ankles or hip joints), exercising in the water is much more comfortable than exercising on land.  The best way to start aquafit  is in a class with an instructor. Check with your local swimming pool for availability of nonswimmer exercise classes.  However, if you do not have time for classes you can try:

 

·        walking around in the shallow end

·        jogging in place

·        lying on your back while holding onto pool gutter and kicking your legs, drawing your knees to your chest

·        twisting slowly to right and left with your knees bent

·        lying on your back and crossing leg over leg

·        bouncing in waist-deep water with high knee action

·        walking in the pool waste-high and pushing water with both hands

 

After a swim most people take a warm shower which adds to the rejuvenation of the whole body.  The best time to start a water program is in summer, which makes it a more  recreational exercise.

 

 

Yoga

 

As our bodies begin to show signs of wear and tear, and strenuous workout programs become too demanding, yoga can be an ideal way to exercise. Low impact and non-competitive, invigorating rather than exhausting, and with emphasis on keeping the body supple and the mind relaxed and focused, the ancient discipline of yoga can be practiced at any time of life.

 

Postures and breathing are part of a system that aims to integrate mind, body and spirit.  Yoga postures stretches, extends and flexes the spine.  Postures exercise muscles and joints, keeping the body strong and supple.  Done in conjunction with breathing, yoga’s postures stimulate circulation, digestion, nervous and endocrine systems, keeping you healthy and energetic.  Yoga is quite different from most other modern ways of exercise.  It does not aim to raise the heart-rate or work on specific muscle groups.  The postures release stiffness and tension, help to re-establish the inner balance of the spine, renew energy, and restore health.  Relaxation and breathing produce stability, reduce stress, and puts you in touch with your inner strength.

 

Yoga is one of the oldest physical disciplines.  Practiced for a thousand years in the East, the movements serve to bring new level of physical vitality and mental clarity. It is not surprising that many of the yoga movements are now incorporated in aerobic classes as stretching and relaxing movements.  Stretching exercises will increase flexibility, allowing you to be more supple. Flexibility is being able to freely move your joints -- not only the obvious joints such as your elbows, hips and knees, but also your vertebrae, fingers, and toes.

 

You can do yoga at home.  You can join community   It is better to start with an instructor; and later, you can take it over by yourself. 

 

 

T’ai Chi

 

T’ai Chi has been described as a holistic method of self-healing, a form of moving meditation, and a philosophical way of life.  Health, relaxation, and self-defense are some

 

of the reasons cited for practicing this traditional exercise, created eight centuries ago.  Today, this activity is practiced by millions of people worldwide

 

T’ai Chi provides physical, psychological, and spiritual benefits. It helps you become more flexible, freer in movement and mind, and healthier.  Exercises are both medicinal and practical in their effects.  It teaches you to relax and find your “centre."  The movements of T’ai Chi are like those found in kung fu and karate, but the movements are not sharp or swift but smooth flowing and full of graceful simplicity.

 

Conventional forms of T’ai Chi consist of eight or more movements.  These take a considerable amount of time to learn and perform.  To attain competence, you will need to study with a teacher.

 

 

Aerobics

 

This is an inexpensive activity, requiring only a suitable pair of shoes and other appropriate clothing.  And you’ll need to schedule some time for classes. The word aerobic means using air.  When muscles are used strenuously for a long period of time, they require oxygen from the bloodstream.  Although fast walking and dancing are aerobic activities, the aerobic exercises usually refer to the structured aerobic programs that build cardiovascular fitness and make muscles stronger and more flexible.  Intermediate and advanced classes, with greater levels of intensity, offer excellent exercises for those who want to maintain a high degree of physical activity.

 

The frequency of aerobic exercise is ideally two to three times a week.  The aerobic work-out run by a professional trainer, will begin with muscle warm-up such as stretching the primary muscle groups - hamstrings, calves, quadriceps (front of the thighs), hip flexors and shoulders.  It then moves to the cardio exercises, introducing hopping, jumping or running which will gradually increase your heart rate. At the end of your workout, there is a cool-down period to prevent a sudden drop in blood pressure and protect you from becoming stiff and sore afterwards.  Many trainers also include exercises that increase muscle strength and flexibility throughout the workout.

 

For those with less coordination and less flexibility, less-strenuous low-impact aerobics are the best way to start.  They involve less running, less hopping and jumping, preventing pounding on our weakening joints and causing other injuries. If you are a beginner, start slowly. Because trainers usually repeat most of the exercises every class, you will have ample of opportunity to master stretching and hopping. Don’t be intimidated by the younger, more flexible and more energetic people exercising next to you. Do not overdo it.  If the class includes an exercise that is too difficult for you, substitute something easier.   Set your own goals, know when to slow down or stop. 

 

To incorporate aerobics into an already busy schedule, look for classes near or at your workplace during the day, or near your home in the evening. Most aerobic programs last from 45 to 60 minutes. Most of the participants in beginner aerobic classes are women. Aerobics are very popular and are often offered free of charge at many schools, community centres, workplaces, and gyms.  You should try to do it two or three times a week.  You may go to two different places to suit your schedule.  For those with very limited time during certain workdays, you might want to find a program with classes on weekends, or join a private club that offers more flexibility in instruction time. If you prefer, you can exercise in the privacy of your home following an instructor on television or video tapes.  Because of tremendous popularity of aerobics, there are now many good videotapes and/or television programs with energetic, charismatic instructors. 

 

Muscle  strength training

 

Muscle-strengthening exercises are as important as a cardiovascular routines for toning muscles and protecting your back and overall bone density.  After the age of 45 or so, people who have been sedentary rapidly lose muscle mass and, consequently, strength.  The lost strength largely accounts for difficulty many have in climbing stairs or carrying groceries.  Strength can be recovered by following an easy exercise program. The stronger and more flexible you are, the less likelihood there is for muscle and back injuries.  Most of the exercises need just a small space, and can easily be done in your kitchen, living room floor, or at your workplace.  You don’t have to lift heavy barbells, you can use a can of beans or a bag filled with rice. 

 

For muscle workout, do all exercises slowly.  Repeat each exercise 5-10 times.

 

Strengthening leg muscles:

·        Sit on a desk.  Put a light weight on your ankles.  Keep a foot flexed.  Straighten, then lower each leg separately.

·        Sit on a desk.  Put a light weight on your foot.  Raise and lower the ball of the foot.

·        Hold on to desk.  Put a light weight on your ankles.  Slowly lift your heel toward your buttocks. 

·        Hold on to desk.  Place a thick book on the floor.  Remove all weights.  Put a ball of the foot on the edge of the book (heels free).  Rise on your toes, then lower your heels as far as you can.   

 

Strengthening hand, arm and shoulder muscles:

·        Stand with your feet slightly apart and knees slightly bent.  Hold down a light weight in your hands.  Raise your hand outward to shoulder level, then lower it all the way down.

·        Sit down.  Put a light weight in your hands.  Place one elbow on your thigh, raise your forearm toward your chest, then lower it down.

·        Put a weight in your hands.  Rest your forearm on a desk with a free hand at the edge.  Curl the weight up, then lower it down as far as you can. 

 

 

Strengthening body muscles:

·        Lie on your back with knees bent.  Remove all weights.

·        Raise arms off floor, raise head and shoulders slowly towards knees, hold for 5 seconds, then lower slowly.

·        Straighten right leg on floor.  Keeping knee straight, slowly raise leg level of left knee; hold for 5 seconds; slowly lower.  Repeat with left.

·        Pelvic tilt.  Tighten abdominal muscles, tighten buttocks, and flatten lower back against the floor.  Hold for 5 seconds, then relax.

 

If you prefer, you can do more rigorous muscle-strength training at specialized weight rooms.  Don’t do rigorous strength exercises every day. Do them on alternate days.  Rest gives muscles a chance “to catch up” and to build up their fibers in order to meet new challenges.

 

A laziness, not years, causes a major decline in strength and endurance.

 

 

Musicopia

 

Here's what musicopia can do.

I love music, all kinds of music.  The other day I was in kitchen preparing dinner, and I turned on my old radio.  It was music from the sixties, and the beautiful and nostalgic voices of The Platters filled the air.  As I was listening to the song, my feet started to move.  Then, I stopped what I was doing and started dancing by myself, just for fun.  When the song was over, I realized that I had one the most enjoyable five-minute exercise ever. During the following song, I decided to dance-exercise again.  This time I drew down the blinds on the kitchen window, so that my neighbour wouldn't get the wrong idea.  I felt great, emotionally and physically.  I decided to do it again the next day.  The music on the radio was different, but the fun remained.  I gave a name to my new exercise: musicopia (abundance of music).  I do it for 20 minutes every day and I feel good. 

 

Anyone who ever learned the basic steps of any dance -- tango, swing, or waltz -- can do it, in any room at home, at any time of day, in any attire, barefoot or in slippers.  You can make mistakes, you can improvise, you can do it slow or fast, you can hold your hands up or swing your arms to increase the heart rate.  Just keep moving for the duration of the song.  Except for feeling foolish the first time you try it, you may find it invigorating and jolly enough to keep doing it daily.  The music, especially if it's a favourite from those "good old days," will put you in a great mood.  Hope you still have that old radio.       

 

Movements with music are capturing more and more mid-lifers, from bellydancing to ballroom dancing. Dance classes give a great workout; the music alone motivates movement.  Active, vigorous dancing, including square dancing and line dancing, is a very good form of exercise for endurance.  The effect on your heart is best if you dance for twenty minutes or more and are sweating by the time you are done.  For many community dance classes,  you do not need a partner.  Just join a group and enjoy.

 

 

PHYSICAL ASSESSMENT

 

Before you start your new strenuous exercise program, you should have a physical examination to rule out any underlying problems such as dizziness, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis or risk of heart disease.  In particular, a stress test will detect any heart problems.  The test is very simple.  You are required to walk or run on a treadmill while monitors are attached to your chest to measure heart activity, blood pressure and pulse rate.  Even if you consider yourself in good shape, start any new exercise at a relatively low intensity and gradually increase your level of exertion over a number of weeks. Rushing and over-exercising often leads to injury and quitting the program.

 

Tips for all exercises

 

·        Stretch your muscles before and after exercising

·        Drink water before, during, and after exercising

·        Begin slowly

·        Finish slowly

·        Keep breathing while exercising

·        Try to exercise three times a week

·        Monitor your heart beat

·        Consult your doctor if you experience problems while exercising

 

Most importantly, exercise should be pleasurable, done at your own level, and suited to your ability.

 

SEX

 

One of the people who inspired us to write this book was Dr. Ruth Westheimer and her guidebook to good sex.  We admire and share her tenacity and positive outlook on life.

 

I personally find the subject of sex not very easy to talk about, although a good sex joke makes me laugh.  My husband is much more open and gleeful to the subject, and because we have a very close and warm relationship I felt I could share with readers some of our experiences.

 

We, the authors, have been happily married to our sole husbands for 30 years, so we have some claim to authority for our observations.  We understand that sex implies far more

 

than physical act. Sexuality is a combination of feelings and sexual desires, and sexual activities are a kaleidoscope of intertwining pleasures.

  

I was in a store the other day, and I noticed a young couple choosing pears, slowly, one by one. Then, the woman started stroking her partner down his shoulders, and she put her hand in his back pants pocket for a few seconds. She repeated the patting and then they moved from my sight. I chuckled quietly to myself, thinking that other men would probably comment, ‘what a lucky guy’.  It was a spontaneous, affectionate gesture, which they obviously had no problem showing.

 

 

SEX AT 50?

 

Should we curb desires and excitement, since we are long past the age of youth?  Absolutely not.  Should we be talking about or seeking ways to improve our sexual intimacy?  Absolutely.  Can we, at 50, find new romance?  Yes. 

 

By mid-life, you have probably been in a long marriage or long relationship. With children leaving the nest, you and your partner's relationship and emotional intimacy becomes even more valuable.  Not surprising, in our survey, most participants who were single, divorced, or widowed wanted to be in a long-term relationship and be more fulfilled emotionally.

 

Despite changes and pressures, many couples in their 50s go on loving, respecting, and supporting each other.  When older couples hold hands or walk arm in arm, it shows that relationship is alive, intimate, and special.  We strongly believe that touching, hugging, kissing, patting, and stroking fosters an emotional intimacy between partners, which leads to a more satisfying sexual partnership and an enrichment of the overall relationship.  At mid-life, when physical sexual abilities start to decline, touching becomes increasingly important.  No matter at what age, satisfying sexual intimacy releases tension, and it relaxes and rejuvenates you.  It is the best antidote to stress.

 

 

RECLAIMING SEXUAL INTIMACY

 

Our survey found that at 50, stress, lack of energy, menopause, and sexual dysfunction affect our libidos.  The women felt that their sexual desires had changed (decreased) while their partner’s had not.  The same sentiment was echoed by the men. While the majority of  respondents described their sex life as OK, some men and women expressed deep unhappiness about their partner’s lack of sexual desires. 

 

Although the physical aspects of sex may decline with age, sexual intimacy does not have to.  Many older couples feel that they are constantly tired and overworked, they sense declining energy and desire for sex, but they keep accepting it, however reluctantly, unapprovingly, and unhappily.  It need not be so.  For most couples who enjoyed sex and had  intimate relationships before -- and feel that their partners are loosing some of the

 

interest -- intimacy can be reclaimed with little effort.  A weekend or a week away from home, to a new place where nobody knows you, may be all that it takes. Just the two of you.

 

Whenever we can afford, my husband and I try to go to the Caribbean for a week or two.  We stay in a hotel that is quite comfortable.  We find a room with a balcony that has a lovely view, where we can hear distant music sounds at night and see the stars, and where we have time for our senses.  We become free of family and peer pressure, of competition, of worrying if someone is going to judge you.  After a stroll on the beach and a glass of wine, the tension of everyday life fades away.  The relaxing atmosphere is very important. We go where the beaches are not crowded.  We let the sun and water caress us.  Our physical and visual sexual stimulation increases and when we can shed our clothing, expose our bodies, and want to be sexually desirable, we are.  It is surprising how many married people still think that their partners are attractive while laughing about each other’s imperfections and deficiencies.  As Ruth Westheimer said ‘Long sexual relationships offer pleasure you can’t get any other way.  Making love with the partner you have had for 25 years, who knows you better than anyone else, who has shared life’s ups and downs with you, is a royal pleasure’.”

 

Not everyone has the financial freedom to get away for a “stolen” week.  However the same benefits can be had for little or no cost.  A romantic stroll in the park, hand in hand, appreciating the beauty of nature; a dazzling music show or a dance; or sharing a bubble bath can relieve the stress of day-to-day living. Women in particular consider romance, tenderness, hugs and kisses an inseparable part of satisfying sex.  Touching even in passing, anywhere, even for a few fleeting moments, can build waves of anticipation and help create a rewarding, intimate relationship.  Try sex in the morning when men’s libido is the highest.  You need to keep that sexual pilot light burning.

 

Woman may find it difficult to start new relationship at an age when their bodies are not in the best shape, but many people in their 50s are finding long lasting friendships and relationships.  Romance can bloom after 50.

 

An acquaintance who recently married told me that, when she was dating her partner, she would surprise him by dressing outrageously, in her bathing suit or fox fur, or stark naked.

 

 

IMPROVING SEXUAL INTIMACY

 

The success of two couples on their 50th anniversaries was summed up beautifully: “We never took each other for granted” and “People have to work at a relationship.”  To observers, both relationships seemed natural and effortless.

 

 

Giving your relationship vitality will  yield immeasurable benefits and satisfaction. To get satisfying sexual intimacy, we need to warm-up our relationships. Improving sexual intimacy requires improving your relationship with your partner.  The warmer the relationship, the more likely a satisfying sexual experience will happen.

 

Many of us find that balancing our work, raising and dealing with children, declining health, struggling financially, and caring for immediate and extended family overwhelming.  We find less and less time to talk, and often no time to keep our personal relationship passionate. We are together only when we are tired and have little interest in anything but to sleep.  In addition, at 50, many women feel not in the mood, when menopausal hormonal changes bring discomfort and uneasiness, and men feel uncomfortable with the changes in their sexual performance. Yet, many adults complain that they are unhappy because their partners never seem to pay attention to them, never notice or comment when they feel they have made a change that deserves notice, or just do not reach out and hug or kiss them anymore.  Do not let it become “normal,” particularly if one of you yearns for more emotional intimacy. Do not wait for others to help.  Initiate it and do it yourself. 

 

Start with small gestures:

 

·        Give him a compliment. Say how much you appreciate something he has done. Say “thank you” when he puts dishes away;

·        Tell her how lucky you are to have a wife who is understanding, creative, independent.  

·        Touch him, show your affection;

·        Kiss or hug her, show your excitement;

·        Buy a token present for her.  A single rose or a bunch of cut flowers has magical power on improving woman’s mood

·        Go to a romantic movie or a dance

Our friend who is a widower is dating a divorced women.  She told me how they love to dance together, and how she enjoys those outings.  When asked if she went to dances with her ex-husband, she said “never”. 

·        Have conversation about your daily life and really listen to each other

When my husband was on assignment three thousand miles away, we talked every day by telephone, sometimes three times a day.  Chatting with my next-door neighbour who knew that my husband was away, and seeing a postman coming, I jokingly said: ‘Hope he is not bringing my telephone bill. Last month I paid royally because we tallied 30 hours on the phone.’  She looked at me, puzzled ‘I don’t know what to talk about after five minutes.

·        Have understanding and appreciation for the other’s concern

My brother-in-law’s company has been bought out by a foreign company.  He is worried sick that he will lose his job.  Unfortunately, when he comes home and wants to relieve his tension, when he needs a sympathetic ear,  she chides him for worrying so much about something that may not come to  pass.  Even if she is right, the fact is he is reaching out for comfort, understanding, sympathy.

·        Make your mealtimes at home special and relaxing

I’m very glad that what I started a long time ago has become a beautiful custom.  Every weekend, and especially on Sunday, I put some extra effort and prepare a favourit family food for a dinner.   Even with children not being able to join every time, I still do it for two of us, and I know it is appreciated.   

·        Entertain people you both care for

Although I feel tired frequently, I keep the tradition of inviting our extended family for tea and cake on many weekends. We enjoy chatting, reminiscing and discussing new events.  My partner and I feel energized and full of compliments when guests leave.     

·        Do things together

My mother-in-law use to tell me ‘leave everything and go out with your husband’.   If your partner invites you to go out, don’t refuse, no matter how busy or uninterested in the event you are; your partner wants you to share it. 

 

You may be surprised how quickly your relationship will become cozy again and how fast you will be able to establish emotional intimacy and make the sexual intimacy more desirable.

 

However, sometimes the main cause for decreased libido, especially for women in menopause, is a natural decrease in hormones, not only estrogen and progestin, but also of androgens (mainly testosterone) which play an important role in our sexual responsiveness.  While much interest has been placed on estrogen replacement therapy, very little of interests has been paid to augmenting androgens.  The androgens are more of psychological kinds of hormones, a strong emotional support hormones, which improve sexuality, well being, and libido.  When the women experience lack of testosterone, that may impact on their sex life.  Their libido goes down, and sexuality becomes something that they rarely think about.  Unfortunately, because at the same time as that they are losing their testosterone, they are getting older, women begin to think that because they are aging they should not really be interested in sex, or have sex.  That is not true.  Similarly, some men, as they get older loose their androgens as well, and have problems such as lack of erection, thinking about sex, or wanting to have sex.  A simple blood test can determine the level of testosterone, and the replacement therapy (which requires a proper monitoring to keep testosterone at the normal level) can and have in some cases benefited relationships and improved marriages.  You should not jump on treatment with testosterone, but our main point is that women and men should know and be aware of it.

 

Stress also affects our relationships and libidos, as well, there are myriad other health problems that can diminish sexual responsiveness.  Menopause can result in vaginal dryness, with associated pain during intercourse.  Men may become incapable of sustaining an erection; there may be a reduction in firmness, or perhaps even an inability to perform at all.  Major illnesses can affect our sexual physiology.  Some medications, especially the antidepressants, no question will lower libido.  However, many of these are temporary diminutions of libido, and the libido comes back once the medications is stopped, the stress is removed, and the health is improved.

 

But we need to move on with sex, from our previous macho approach that we might have had in our younger years.  Fortunately, most older men and women prefer to move on.  Sex is not just a coital act but the coming together of the joy created from a relationship built up over many years of marriage, or in a new relationship discovered in a late-blooming romance. It is never late to learn new ways to please your partner and yourself.  Relax.  Enjoy.

 

 

EVALUATING RELATIONSHIPS

 

 

Relationships are an integral part of our lives.  Most of us want to have a close relationship with our children, our parents and friends.  Sometimes expectations on both sides are not fulfilled and can result in stressful and grieving relationships. At 50, when the fear of loneliness is entering our mind, it’s time to re-evaluate our relationships and settle those unfulfilled expectations.  Opening up and sharing our feelings with friends and relatives makes daily stresses, hidden anxieties, and even serious illness easier to cope with.  We are blessed with a gift to give love and to be loved.  Let’s use that gift.

 

 

WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT CHILDREN

 

My mother-in-law, who is 87 years, remembers vividly, when she was  young, hearing her father saying to his friend, “raising children is the hardest job.”  She also remembers how surprised she was to hear that, because she considered herself, her four sisters, and two brothers not at all difficult, rather obedient, respectful, and a very happy bunch.  I feel just like her father: raising our two sons has been by far the hardest job.  I often wonder if my parents felt the same way.  I wish I had asked.

 

When parents turn 50, their children are usually out of the nest, or almost out.  They might still be at university or college, or in high school.  A few parents might have children of younger years, sometimes as young as 8 or 9.   Parenting is different for each age group, but usually most difficult when children are adolescents.  While parents are dealing with the emotions of getting older, adolescents are developing their own independent personalities. So, tension is inevitable.  Although some families experience little tension, disagreements in others are fierce, and disapproval of a teenager's behaviour can be much greater. When relationships between parents and children become tense, when understanding becomes misunderstanding, it is very difficult and disheartening for everyone.  Sometimes the only thing to do is to be patient and not give up.

 

For both authors, parenting has been the most difficult task.  Here is one author’s story:

 

My husband and I are from different cultural backgrounds.  This enriched our lives far more than marrying our own kind would ever have done.  And there were few disadvantages, until our children became adolescents. Then, the differences became all too obvious.  My husband’s uncompromising views about boyfriends, pre-marital sex, late nights out, clubbing, etc. led to animosity, and our “Brady Bunch” family began disintegrating.  Although I often disapproved of my daughter’s behaviour I wasn’t willing to lose her.  After a couple of years of turmoil, our eldest daughter moved in with her boyfriend.  We paid a high price in both pain and family unity for a long time.  Although we have now compromised and see our daughter nearly every day, we still feel that past hurt.  But she is our daughter and total banishment was too high a price to pay.  We are  not convinced her choice was a good one, but at least we will be there to pick up the pieces should her world come tumbling down.  

 

Here is the other author’s story:

 

During the years when our children grew from young to late adolescence, my husband and I often talked to friends who had children of similar ages and who often complained about the behaviour of their teenagers.  Some families had trifling difficulties, others were more serious, while we seemed to have been spared.  Our children did well in school, enrolled in the gifted program; they spent a lot of time at home, and did not stay out late, and didn’t smoke.  Everyone was telling us how lucky we were.  We naturally expected a continuation of the smooth ride.  Then a rebellion started, with such an intensity and such a depth of emotions, that it shattered us to the core.  Why at all and why now? we wondered.  After all, we gave them so much love, showing by example, spending enormous time, energy, devotion and goodwill in raising them.  We educated them properly, provided guidance, protected and overprotected them, and were willing to make any sacrifice for their success and happiness.  It was only natural to expect behaviour that met our expectations and wishes.

 

Instead, we got a late-adolescent rebellion, first one son and then the other. My sons now describe it as the time of their emotional turmoil, unhappiness, and painful search for identity.  We were criticized for all the things we did.  We were blamed for their lack of interest in and slow progress at university, for the overzealous way we had raised them, for the way we lived our lives, and for our demanding approach to work.  They lectured, argued with and insulted us, with such strength and conviction that it was impossible to reason for long.  No book or educator can prepare you for that.  We went through periods feeling mad at them, angry at ourselves, feeling sorry for them, and feeling hurt.  Despite their sometimes intolerable behaviour, we never stopped trying to communicate, and we never gave up.

 

What I now realize is that conflict is always a two-way street, and that both sides (no matter how unreasonable or ridiculous they seem and may always seem) have to share responsibility and acknowledge the other’s feelings. Both our sons felt strongly that we were controlling, pushy, obsessed with education, over-achieving, intimidating, and overprotective.  We were found guilty of projecting our desires onto them, giving them no opportunity to make and learn from their own mistakes, or develop their own identity and independence, and leaving them insecure and fearful. If they felt this way, then there must be some truth to their accusations.

 

We assume that our children, because they were born and raised by us, will be like us.  We think they can be molded to be like us, and we often expect them to achieve (and do even better than) what we have done.  But, they are completely different from us.  They have their own personalities, feelings and imaginations.  The only thing we can do is to try to instill a sense of the values and precariousness of life, and help them discern good from evil.  In this, I believe we did not fail them.   

 

Since all relationships are a two-way street, we asked our children to give us feedback and help us write this chapter.  Their willingness and understanding were greatly appreciated.  Now, with teenage years behind them, they also offered to give us their perspective on what they feel parents should know in dealing with adolescents. 

 

Try to treat your teenager like you would treat anybody else.  I know this is difficult since, as parents, you feel that it is your duty to shape your children and make they do “the right thing.”  But “the right thing” in your mind may not be “the right thing” in your teenager’s mind.   

 

Try to keep an open dialogue.  If your teenager is saying something, with a certain vigor, that makes close to, or completely, no sense, it is best not to argue. Teenagers are experiencing certain emotions for the first time, and their bodies are changing in ways that are often difficult to comprehend.  You may not understand them at times; chances are that it’s because your teenagers don’t understand themselves either.

 

Accept the fact that the problems you had as a teenager are different from the concerns of your teenagers.  Social structures and values are changing.  What was once unacceptable behaviour is becoming acceptable.  Teenagers are dating earlier; they are surrounded by and growing up with technology; they are watching the president of the United States telling the world how he wasn’t involved in “direct contact” with Monica when he was playing with his cigar.  If you think your teenagers will rise above, or be indifferent to, social pressures, think again!

 

Of course, you can’t just let your teenagers do whatever they want. However, you don’t have to challenge everything.  Some things are just not that important.  The best thing to do is to stay informed with what’s going on with your teenagers.  Ask them what their friends are doing.  Better still, talk to other parents to find out what their teenagers are doing.  Get informed, and then come back to talk to your kids.  Yes, address the issues, but don’t lecture.  And, if you are upset, try not to let it close the communication channels.  It’s better to know the truth and then deal with it.

 

If you know you handled a situation badly, apologize.  Teenagers appreciate it when you acknowledge that you were wrong, even though they may not say it. Honesty goes a long way in every relationship.

 

Here are some final points to remember:

 

·        Express yourself honestly with your kids

·        Don’t jump to conclusions

·        Respect your teenager’s voice even if it doesn’t make sense to you.  You should respect the fact that he/she is voicing his/her feelings to you.  That should be appreciated in itself

·        Questioning your own child’s integrity is like questioning your own

·        Nobody is ever wrong

·        Do not blame your children

·        Do not blame yourself

·        Treat adolescents the same way you would treat anyone else, regardless of age

·        Respect their privacy

·        Practice positive reinforcement, and

·        Try to have some fun along the way, because everything’s going to work out.  Believe in them.

·        Raising children is probably harder today than any other time.  And it’s going to be even harder for your children when they are parents (you’ll be smiling a tad at your old age).

 

 

WITH YOUR YOUNG-ADULT CHILDREN

 

When children become young adults (ages 22 to 28), and if those children are still at home, the parents are looking forward, increasingly, to seeing them completing studies, finding jobs, and starting their own lives, and becoming independent.  But parents also have more and more skepticism, worrying about that happening soon.  In our survey, most parents expressed their relationship with children as loving and caring, and they want to keep this closeness; however, and most importantly, parents also want the freedom to live their own lives.

 

A friend once confided in me:

 

Before I was 21, my first husband left me and our 6-month old child for another woman.  Not only had I an infant to take care off, but I had to support both of us.  I shudder when I remember the miles I walked looking for work, the miserable apartments we lived in, and the rushing to pick my daughter up from daycare before the surcharge rates kicked in.  My bosses did not seem to understand the demands on a single parent.  And time before and after office work was completely taken up with caring for my child and our living quarters.  Over the years I got pretty good at it and then, when she was 14, I had my second chance at happiness.  Our marriage was wonderful; he was wonderful.  A year later, I was a widow.  I  thought I would never emerge from the darkness.

 

Now my child has graduated from university.  She is a beautiful, intelligent young woman who still needs to follow her dream and go on academically to graduate level.  But I am 51, and I need to be free, to follow my own dreams in the time left to me in life.  I want to meet another wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with.  Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever be free to fulfill my own needs, although I love my daughter dearly.

 

Young adults are staying at home much longer because of spiraling housing and education costs, the lengthy education required for specialized jobs, and the cost of high-end consumer goods, which can only be attained by living at home to cut expenses.  Parents, on the other hand, now want independence from their children.  For many families, it is a period that can be upsetting.  In fact, the empty nest syndrome has become the cluttered nest syndrome -- or the revolving door.

 

Of course, there are parents of young adults who understand that their children are no longer children, just as there are young adults living at home who are caring, considerate and trying to become independent.

 

Then there are those who want all the freedom of adulthood and all the parental support of childhood.

 

My friend, who is divorced, was taking care of and supporting her 22-year-old son, who went to school and lived at home.  A year ago, her son’s girlfriend became pregnant and soon after they got married. For a while,  her son (who was still at school), his wife (who tried to work from home), and the baby all lived with my friend.  It was particularly difficult on her because, not long ago, she went through a nasty divorce and had just started to organize her life back to normal when this happened. However, it all ended well, with her son graduating, finding a great job and moving out. 

 

Parents in our survey had several complaints: “There is a lack of respect”; “ we are being asked to give freedom, including sexual, to our adolescent children earlier, while supporting them both morally and financially for longer periods”; “I feel my only option is to kick him out” ; “How long should we support our children?”

           

Some parents are overly protective, especially with girls, because they fear violence and changes in society.  Then there are those who keep forgetting that the 25-year-old is not a “child,” and that if you do not let the “child” out of the nest, the “child” will have a real struggle with adulthood.

 

Many young adults do not leave or keep coming back home, because they can’t sustain financial independence, sometimes even when working.  Also they are marrying much later in life.  And, because of the continuous need to upgrade employment skills in a fast- changing workforce, staying at home is becoming more common for young adults -- and more worrisome for parents.

 

If your child is now an adult, is still living in your house, and has, apparently, no intention of leaving, clashes are inevitable.  So, what do you do?  Can you live more peacefully under the same roof?

 

The first solution is to communicate openly and to draw careful boundaries around what is an acceptable arrangement for you:

 

·        Discuss expectations, yours and theirs openly, keeping in mind that you are not dealing with a child.

·        Talk about obligations, i.e. whether they need to participate in family duties.  Be specific about what you expect them to do and stick to it. 

·        Stop doing everything for them.  the days -- and years -- when they were children are over.

·        Promote independence.  Do not be overly protective.

·        Encourage them to find work  Help them only if they ask.

·        If they work, discuss whether you need them to share expenses, whether each person will shop for themselves, or share the shopping, whether they need to take care of their own meals.  Be specific.

·        Allow for failure.  By telling a young adult what is expected of her and then stepping back and giving her the freedom to do it --and the freedom to fail--parents help her grow up.

·        Do not allow rudeness. If your child is speaking to you rudely, let him know quickly that it is not acceptable, and that he will have to leave if it continues.

·        Communicate.  Go over the expectations again and be willing to follow through if the adult child refuses to do his part.

·        Allow the relationship to mature into friendship.

 

 

WITH YOUR PARENTS

 

We all want to have loving relationships with our aging parents.  Some older parents demand their adult children’s attention while others rarely ask for help and do not make us feel obliged.  Elderly people usually prefer independence; they prefer to live alone, even those suffering from chronic diseases.  They want to be in control of their lives and to be able to make their own decisions.

The loss of independence -- social, financial and physical -- is a heartbreaking situation and is one of the underlining causes of the unhappiness of my mother-in-law.  It must be very difficult for a woman who raised five children, who was a capable housekeeper with a rewarding social life, to find herself completely dependent on her children for financial, medical, and social support.  On the other hand, her children are faced with round-the-clock care of an unhappy, feeble and demanding 87-year-old.  They also have to run a household, have children to care for and jobs to go to.  It is a tall order for even the most kind-hearted.

 

Some parents find it difficult to let go of parental power, even in their advanced years.  They complain that their “children” don’t give them enough time or thought.  Most children do care, and they often feel guilty that they are not doing enough for their parents.  We want to be supportive, but this usually means sacrificing some of our own plans.

 

The average age of the North American caregiver ranges from 50 to 65.  And as seniors increase in numbers and live longer, millions of North Americans find themselves providing some level of care for elderly relatives.  And most fear the situation will only get worse. 

 

 

ARE YOU READY TO BE A FAMILY CAREGIVER?

 

Although most families consider taking care of aging parents as a primary duty, usually in the spirit of the customs and tradition of their parents, the burden falls disproportionately higher on women, who are already under considerable strain trying to balance workforce responsibilities, taking care of a spouse, children and a household.  Agreeably, our generation has aptly been described as the “sandwich” generation. Expectations on both sides are often not fulfilled and can result in stressful relationships as well as a feeling of grieving at the unfulfilled expectations.

 

Taking care of an elderly, can involve considerable stress, especially if it is for a long time or for a sick or difficult person.  If, as often, caregiving is left to one member of a family it can lead to intolerable situations and ruined family relationships.

 

A good friend of ours gave sixteen years of loving care to his parents who came from Asia, and who both lived to 92 years of age.  He and his wife were the sole caregivers. They made changes to their house to accommodate the parents and sacrificed taking holidays together, but his sisters never gave them a helping hand, either financially or morally.  The parents, on the other hand, as frequently happens, never showed much appreciation, were quick to criticize, and were more willing to support the daughters who did not want to take care of them.  I remember several occasions when he was hurt and upset.  He remarked that he should write down all the inconsiderate things his parents did over those sixteen years, and keep it as a reminder for the time when he reaches old age. It is sad, but the confrontations and lack of appreciation eventually led to the rift between him and his sisters.

 

Many adult children who became primary caregivers complain that they have no one to discuss problems with.  They are often left to deal with difficult situations alone.  Ignored and misunderstood by other family members, many caregivers become irritable, stressed, and even depressed.

 

It happened in our family.  My mother-in-law is a strong, intelligent, highly opinionated, demanding, and often over-powering person.  Unfortunately, together with many other refugees, she became homeless.  With failing heart problems, no income, and no children or younger relatives left to care for her, she decided to come to Canada and live with her children. My sister-in-law is a kind and sensitive person who is quite capable in taking care of the sick and feeble.  But taking care of her mother-in-law became overwhelming and took precedence in her life.  She felt she lost her privacy, neglected her children, her husband, and her work, all of which slowly led to an intolerable situation.  Fortunately, other children had agreed to share the burden for her care equally. However, even under our circumstances of equal sharing between four families, caring for a demanding elder often becomes difficult.  I remember the time she stayed with me, when she felt frustrated, she would call the other family members to complain and ask if she could come there.  Fortunately, the family had learned how to deal with those situations, and we are still trying to cope the best we can.

 

Caregivers and care recipients often perceive the situation differently -- those receiving care rating are apt to take others’ efforts for granted.

 

One of my bigger problems in caring for my mother-in-law was the time when she was unwell.  Spells, when she could not control all her bodily functions, could last from days to, sometimes, several months.  I am not a natural nurse.   I do not like to bathe and change adult diapers; however, I did it.  But instead of getting sympathy for doing it, she would say, ”that is nothing, you just make much about it.”  I am sure that has a familiar ring to many caregivers.

 

For those unprepared family caregivers, here are some tips:

 

·        Help yourself first, before helping others.  If you are tired and stressed, you can’t help anyone.  

·        Do what you can but within reason.

·        Discuss openly what is acceptable. Be firm, stick to your terms. 

·        Let elders do what they can do for themselves.  Don’t rush to do everything for them because you can do it is faster and with less fuss and effort.   

·        Make time for your own interests, friends, career, and leisure activities.

·        Talk about problems and stresses with family and friends.  Don’t bottle it up.   

·        Remember that neither party owes the other anything.

·        When you do something, make sure it is “from the heart” -- or it just won’t count.

·        Remember that each party needs to be respected.

·        Remember that each party needs privacy.

·        Don’t feel guilty if you can’t respond to all the demands.

·        Find ways to share the burden.  Ask for help if you need it.

 

 

HOW TO HELP KEEP YOUR PARENTS’ INDEPENDENCE

 

The traditional system of adult children being the primary support for their elders has changed.  Today families are smaller, there are longer distances between parents and children, more adult females are working outside of the home, and governments are limited in their support systems.  Economics undoubtedly play a very important role too.  Lower-income families have little option to their own efforts; the affluent can hire help. 

 

Regardless of income, with planning and learning it is often possible to support elders so they can live independently for years.  You should find out all you can about the support your parents can get from the community, government, health centres, out-patient medical services, and others in their home areas.  Becoming informed and letting your parents use the available services can greatly ease your burden and allow your parents to maintain their independence.  It might be as simple as investing in a beeper that alerts emergency units if elders need help.  This might prolong the ability of frail parents to stay at home.

Our survey showed that only a few people had made plans for caring for their elderly parents or parents-in-law.  We tend to forget that our parents are in their 70s, 80s, even 90s.  Although their good health and active lifestyle look admirable, it takes very little for that to change.

 

Just a few months ago my friend commented about how her parents were completely independent and having a great time.  With two pensions and their savings, they were able to travel, eat out, socialize and truly enjoy their lives.  Almost enviously she said, “I doubt that I’ll be so fortunate when I am in their age.”  But, last month, my friend wasn’t able to come to our dinner party.  I heard that her mother was suddenly rushed to the hospital, that her father was distressed, and that she took time off work to travel to another city to visit her mother in hospital and to take care of their household.  They were all unprepared.

 

Since the biggest fear of the elderly is loosing their independence and having to find institutional care, maintaining independence for our parents is in everybody’s best interest.  Here is the list of things you and they should pay attention to.

 

Organizing your parents’ home:  The single most important task is to ensure that everything is done to prevent falls.

 

I was working in the kitchen one morning when I suddenly heard a bang upstairs.  I ran up and found my mother-in-law lying on the floor.  She had fallen asleep while sitting in an armless chair, leaned over, and lost her balance. She had two old artificial hips, so my fear while bringing her up from the floor was indescribable.  Fortunately, she did not break any bones, and the metal hips withstood the impact.  But she hid the pain she felt and ignored the bruise that was rapidly swelling on the hip.  In the first moments of panic, I phoned her daughter, who is a doctor.  She came over in the evening and saw the huge swelling.  My mother-in-law was on medication that made internal bleeding less controllable, but her daughter immediately applied ice packs to reduce the swelling and saved a potentially disastrous situation.  After that, I made sure that my mother-in-law only sat in chairs that had proper support.  After that fall, we also:

 

·        Removed loose rugs

·        Secured rails on stairs

·        Made lighting accessible near her bed

·        Installed grab bars in the bathtub

·        Put long-lasting bulbs in the hall and the bathrooms

·        Bought her good footwear

·        Bought her a walking cane.

 

 

Also, help your parents organize their kitchen for safer cooking and easier access to food. 

 

In many cases, with little or no extra cost, you can organize your parents’ living space to make it easier for them to take care of themselves.

 

Devices: Install extra smoke detectors, especially in the kitchen and its adjacent rooms.  Install extra telephones with night-glow, and encode emergency telephone numbers and those used  frequently.  If needed, buy a beeper for emergencies.  Stay informed about the new technical products that can make daily living easier for you and your parents.

 

Up-grading the home: Although up-grading a residence can be costly, it may be the best solution.  Making access for a wheelchair, reorganizing space for one-floor living, or up-grading the bathroom can be worth it in some cases.  In others the cost of running the family home may no longer be viable.  The price tag may just not be worth it, and more appropriate accommodation may have to be looked at.

 

My colleague’s mother, who is in her late 70s, recently became a widow.  Less than two months later, she sold her house and bought a spacious condominium close to her old home, staying and feeling comfortable in the familiar environment.  Most importantly, she moved into the building where a few of her good friends live.  She is happy, and her family is glad that she did not insist on staying in the old house, which she no longer could maintain on her own.

 

Diet: Discuss and check your parents’ diet.  Poor nutrition leads to declines in health, energy, and mental stability.  See that they get a proper balance of nutrients.  Ensure that they drink enough liquid, and check on their stock of food and drinks. 

 

Medications and medical care: Discuss and check on your parents’ prescribed medications.  Emphasize the importance of  taking medicines as prescribed, especially if they are on special medication.  If not taken properly, this can cause bigger medical problems and require otherwise avoidable doctor’s visits.  Check that new prescriptions are ordered in time.  Find out about regular check-ups with the family doctor and the eye doctor.  Deteriorating vision often causes falls that can lead to a long hospitalization or death. 

 

Exercise: Encourage your parents to be active, even with simple exercises such as walking outside. Find out about exercise programs in their community.  Inquire about programs for seniors.  Activities such as visits to the library to listen to a reading or to discuss a book constitute good exercise.

 

Hiring Help:  If needed and if the cost is affordable, you should employ someone to help with:

 

·        clearing snow and ice from walkways

·        taking parents to regular medical check-ups or treatments

·        grocery shopping and cooking

·        hygienic care of the parents.

 

Part-time help for a few hours a day can relieve pressure from a busy family caregiver. Most importantly, before investing, find out if your parents are entitled to any kind of help and support.  You may be pleasantly surprised and save a lot of money -- theirs or yours.   

 

Social life: Many parents complain about loneliness.  It may not always be easy to satisfy their social needs, especially if they have lost a partner or a good friend or were socially active, and are now too frail to go out by themselves.  Again, explore all community services and become familiar with senior programs.  Many communities offer programs such as: bridge, slow-movement exercise, swimming, senior lunches, senior movie nights, pottery, painting, even ballroom-dancing.  Attending a simple class can benefit parents in several ways.  It involves mobility, and it lets them socialize with people who share their interests.  Also, suggest to your parents that they can become involved in charitable groups.  There, they will not only socialize but feel useful and good about helping others. It is now well documented that people with an active lifestyle live healthier and longer lives.  It has also been shown that seniors who own pets are generally healthier than those who don’t.  

 

A few houses down from our street, live an elderly, childless couple with their four cute little dogs.  They would walk them several times a day, alternatively, two by two.  Last year, late in the afternoon, sitting in his favourite chair and enjoying his reading, the husband got a stroke and could not be revived.  The grief of his wife, who had lost her life-long companion, may have been somewhat eased because she was left to care for their dogs.  They give her company and security, they give her exercise, walking and bending, as well as welcome opportunities to chat with neighbours and other pet lovers.”  

 

CARE OUTSIDE HOME

 

Unfortunately, the health of those in their 80s and 90s usually deteriorates to the point before they need more and more help in personal care such as bathing, walking, getting in and out of bed, and medications.  They can frequently require full-time care.  Private home care may be too expensive.  Home helper, medical aides, and registered nurses all charge hourly rates, and, at best, provide only partial care.  The most economical solution for a twenty-four-hour companion is usually a live-in caregiver.  For many people with long-term health problems or disabilities, the cost of a live-in caregiver or professional caregiving is largely unattainable. Often the elderly do not have the financial means to pay for outside help, and neither do their adult children.

 

One friend related her experience:

 

My father-in-law was a wonderful man.  My children loved their grandfather and the stories he would tell them.  However, my mother-in-law was a very difficult woman. In her later years, she suffered from mental illness and we had to have her institutionalized.  Grandfather managed fine on his own until he passed away with a heart attack.  I was genuinely sorry to see his passing.  I would gladly have taken him into my home and cared for him.  We spent the next years going back and forth to the nursing home, visiting my mother-in-law.  Most of the time she didn’t recognize us and it seemed pointless to go and sit for an hour with this woman who did not respond.  There is an element of guilt, however; guilt that we put her in such a place.  It wasn’t a particularly good home but with limited financial resources it was the best we could do.  Due in part to negligence from health-care officials, she died of dehydration. The guilt is still there, knowing I never really liked her.  I knew she was a miserable woman in her later years. I hope she is at peace now.

 

Few people check out nursing homes or discuss, with parents, possible long-term care choices, before the health of a parent deteriorates to the point when the children can no longer cope with the demands.  Adult children and their elderly parents who have had open discussions, and have looked for and found a mutually satisfactory solutions are going to have much happier relationships.  They will avoid the likely resistance of parents, and especially of carrying guilty feelings of not wanting to or being able to take care of them.  Ideally, you should plan and discuss the long-term care with your parents and with your siblings. You should also find out about their financial situation, to be able to decide  the best care affordable.

 

 

ADDRESSING THE OLD-AGE CARE  

 

As the 50s generation slowly advances toward retirement, many have learned, first-hand from their parents, what aging is really all about, and how important it is to plan for their own future care.  Today, definite longer life expectancy makes the old-age care an issue that needs to be addressed.   Now may be the time for us to demand improvements in social services, community services, and transportation needed to make caring for aging parents easier and affordable for millions of volunteer caregivers. Society should recognize, reward and facilitate caregivers’ central role in supporting the autonomy of elders.  Scotland has a wonderful program where the adult child of the senior is paid by the government to act as caregiver.  In this way, the elderly have the opportunity of being cared for by their own children, and the caregiver receives financial compensation to allow them to do so.  The state also benefits by less strain on social services such as hospital beds, nursing homes, and support agencies. 

 

 

We know that there are many stories, mostly untold, of loving and caring relationships between adults and aging parents.

 

 

I remember how one of my grandmothers lived with her unmarried daughter in utmost harmony. She lived a long healthy life until 93. Every Sunday afternoon my mother would take us, as little children, to visit her.  She was an unassuming, tiny woman who never criticized, never complained, and had a glow around her of sheer calmness, benevolence, pleasure, and fun.  Long after our parents stopped leading us by the hand,  we would all go spontaneously, on our own, to visit her.  During my recent visit to the old place, I walked up the narrow street to see once again the house and window where she used to bend over to look for us coming.  Although complete strangers now live there, I was glad I had gone to renew the memory.

 

 

 

WITH YOUR FRIENDS

 

At 50 years of age, some of us have already experienced the loss of our parents, and, perhaps, loss of a partner.  Our own children have grown up, and although family is important, we need something else in our lives.  Friendship is a gift that keeps returning so much joy and support.  In a good relationship, our partner is our best friend.  Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it is not everything.  In fact, both men and women will agree that the comfort of sharing our hopes and fears with a trusted other is more important than the marital bed.  Friends from our childhood are special friends.  These are the deep friendships forged in our younger years, which perhaps helped us through the vulnerable, adolescent time when parents were not in our inner circle, and ultimately these relationships have formed strong life-long ties.

 

SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS

 

Women have a special relationship with the other women in their lives.

 

As a child, I remember visiting my mother’s friends with her and took for granted the close female bonds that were evident.  It was, therefore, second nature for me to develop those same bonds with my own female friends.   Now, almost fifty years later, and oceans apart, I have several friends in the country of my birth.  When we meet (sometimes after a hiatus of a decade), the years just fade away and we settle into our comfortable groove.  Now that I am unwell, two of my childhood friends across the Atlantic have arranged to call me in turn once every two weeks to lend their support.  It surely proves how strong the bonds of friendship are to have survived such

 

a separation over so many years, yet retained the closeness and love in another’s time of need.

 

Recently, I had the misfortune (or fortune, if we look upon our experiences as life’s challenges and lessons) to find out that I had a fairly serious illness.  I am blessed with a fantastic husband and children who immediately enveloped me in their protection and care.  However, there was another lifeline thrown to me, which was just as important.  It came from my women friends.  Each one, in their own special way, came forward to shower me with support.  They phoned me, shared  my shock, put me back on a logical track, appeared with flowers, inspirational books, frivolous magazines to fill my short attention span after surgery, healthy recipes and diet regimes, herbal teas personally purchased in Europe, prayers in the houses of many religions -- so many touching and caring acts.  The thing that meant the most was the knowledge that they were all there for me.  How could I possibly not be brave and fight when I was being lifted on the wings of so much love, care and concern.

 

We read about the competition among women on the corporate ladder: how we are our own worst enemies and lack the objectiveness of our male counterparts.  Sadly, we believe this is given disproportionate attention.

 

I have had two female bosses in my career and both were positive influences in my life.  Not only were they fair in their professional dealings, they also encouraged me to further my education, develop my potential, valued my opinions and treated me with an equality that was never attained with male bosses.

 

Women share with other women some of their most intimate thoughts.  The crucial ingredient in female relationships is trust.  Sometimes we make a mistake and a relationship goes wrong, but it rarely deters us from forging forward and risking other failures to reap the joy that comes with true friendship.  Women have a sense in recognizing kindred spirits.  Perhaps it is an innate ability or a perception to seek out and find soul mates.  Whatever the explanation, there can be no greater gift than female friendship.

 

Perhaps in some cultures, men are less open to other men.  Certainly this seems true in western cultures.  The competitive edge can interfere with an unconditional friendship, also the fear of bearing your soul to others can be a frightening experience.  However, men do develop bonds with other men that are every bit as deep, strong and life-long as those between women.  Men’s competitive nature can get in the way, but it can be overcome.   Many men enjoy a night out with the boys and a wise woman allows that freedom to her mate.

 

 

One of my husband’s work-mates loves to have a few beers with the boys after work, now and then.  Sadly, his wife creates such a fuss if he suggests such a thing.  She is jealous that he is in bars where single women might frequent.  This lack of trust is a major problem in their marriage.  Of course, he still goes out with the boys, but only after sneaking his street clothes into his locker at work, days before his escapade.  His wife’s inability to deal with the situation has forced him to devise a clandestine operation which can only increase the feelings of distrust in their relationship.  This may become insurmountable and create a threat to their marriage.

 

Hunting, fishing, and playing cards with the boys are other “male bonding with male” activities, illustrating once more the need for friendship between men.

Don’t fear relationships.  Open yourself up for developing close relationships.  If you have someone who can share your problems and be there for you, you’ll never feel alone or lonely.

 

 

FAMILY FRIENDSHIPS

 

Some people live close to their family and that seems to be the only social life they need.  Having a large family that cares and is supportive is certainly a blessing.  True and close family provides emotional and practical help in times of need.  Often, family members know you better than anyone else.  They allow you to lean on them for support, and you, in turn, should be available to them if they need support.

   

My husband is very close to his family, particularly to his brother, who with two other sisters, all followed in his footsteps and came to live in Canada.  One Christmas dinner there were twenty-two members around the table.  I maintain the closest possible relationship with my brother and sister,  trying to minimize the large overseas distance.

Sometimes family relationships become estranged, and sometimes we are simply too busy to keep in touch.  It may take as little as a telephone call or an invitation to your place to mend or re-establish close relationships. Don’t delay it, do it today.  With the new technology, we can’t use the old excuses of being “worlds apart.”   It is easy to get in touch with family and friends via the Internet or e-mail, no matter where they live.

 

NEW FRIENDSHIPS

 

Friendships are important in our youth, when we need to share our exciting new experiences and our personal problems with our buddies.  But, friendship is just as important in the later years, especially for those who have lost a partner and feel lonely.  Many people in our survey expressed a fear of loneliness with aging, not only the single and widowed, but also those with partners. Not all couples are lucky enough to stay together and enjoy old age.  Women generally live longer than men, and often live out their later years as widows.  However, many people who are divorced, widowed, or separated choose to stay single.  They decide not to re-marry, but they develop friendships, and that keeps them content.

 

Our friend’s wife died very early in their marriage.   He was devastated.  He was left with two small daughters to care for, a whole household, and no other family members close by.  He re-married in a rush, only to get divorced a year later.  Now, years later, he has a great companion, a divorced woman with whom he has developed wonderful friendship, but neither rushing to marry again.

 

Despite being busy with child raising, running households and working careers, both men and women make great friends with colleagues at work. Sometimes, however the pressures of work and home make it difficult to sustain these friendships.

 

Over the last several years, I was fortunate to have developed a great friendship with a colleague at work.  We were both approaching 50 and facing adolescent rebellion from our kids.  It was a joy to talk freely and candidly about life, work, furthering our careers, discussing possible interest courses, and expressing the fears and hopes for our children’s futures.  We marvelled at our fortune of finding understanding life partners, and of what makes us happy.  We often talked of our fears and complaints, and exchanged recipes and experiences.   A good friendship is better than a psychotherapist’s couch.!  We often ended up laughing and looking forward to another lunch of lively discussion from politics to menopause.  Our friendship grew spontaneously into trust, so that when we decided to write a book, this book, we did it with a handshake and girlish optimism despite turning 50.

 

It is not easy to make friends, especially for people who do not have many interests and who never open up and express their emotions.  Doing volunteer work is a wonderful opportunity for talking to people and having a sense of purpose.  Volunteers are always in demand and there are so many diverse organizations from which to choose.  Tragically, some people go through life friendless.  These individuals are sadly missing out on one of life’s greatest gifts.

 

Here are some pointers in sustaining old friendships and developing new ones:

 

·        Make time for friends.  Remember the old adage: you need to put something in to get something out.

·        Make the effort.  Friendship is a life-long commitment, but the pay-off is worth it.

·        Be generous.  Don’t follow a return policy (meaning now it’s your turn).

·        Be helpful.  Remember, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

·        Open up.  You can’t develop a meaningful relationship without trusting another with some of your innermost thoughts.

·        Set aside that old demon: jealousy. There is no room in a genuine relationship for such shallow things.

·        Maintain friendship with relatives.  Good family relationships are precious.

·        Get in touch with a lost friend.  It is easy to rekindle old friendships.

·        Socialize.  You can always start new friendships.

·        Good friendships keep you happier and healthier.

 

Go and call a friend today.