Vampires and Sex 
(Muffled talking and harsh whispers.)


VENTRUE: Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that 
we need to talk about.

TOREADOR: The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble?

(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

TZIMISCE: Caitiff running wild?

(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

TREMERE: The defacing of the Public Libraries?

(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)

(BRUJAH flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the 
table.)

VENTRUE: No. Tonight we are here to discuss... and I do this with heavy 
reluctance... sex.

(Stunned silence.)

MALKAV: (Stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at GANGREL.) Let's talk 
about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME...

GANGREL: (Growls.) Let's not.

RAVNOS: I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.

VENTRUE: Malkav. Please be seated. I... (Blinks and looks at RAVNOS.) 
Um... well... (Shakes his head.) This is a SERIOUS discussion.

LASOMBRA: So what ABOUT sex?

VENTRUE: The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a 
post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. 
We are the next level of evolution people. SEX is no longer 
PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore...

TOREADOR: (Looks to GIOVANNI. Very quietly.) You can say THAT again...

GIOVANNI: Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are...

BRUJAH: No longer PLEASURABLE? (Shakes his head.) Trust me...Yer doing it 
wrong dude...

MALKAV: Well... I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton 
flavored ones the best.

VENTRUE: Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.

BRUJAH: COME ON... I mean the blood is good... but when is the last time a 
set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?

MALKAV: Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.

RAVNOS: Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.

MALKAV: Ohh Hung like a HORSE... (RAVNOS smiles.)

MALKAV: ... Fly.

VENTRUE: It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. 
Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at 
constant rates.

MALKAV: (Suddenly serious.) THAT is disgusting! That is... vile. WRONG. I demand justice. 
Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I... what THEY deserve...

GANGREL: (Thumps MALKAV.) Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of 
getting laid as pickle puss over there. 
(Jerks her thumb to NOSFERATU.) 

NOSFERATU: (Indignant.) This coming from the bearded lady.

GANGREL: (Growls.) Watch it scabbie.

NOSFERATU: I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.

TZIMISCE: (Wrinkles her nose.) Sex... no. Soap. Now that is a different 
story all together.

ASSAMITE: Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to 
do with my time than engage in pointless activities... 
but does this mean that we shall no longer be 
capable of having sex? 

MALKAV: It's fallen. And I can't get it UP! 

TOREADOR: (Looks at GIOVANNI.) Been there. Done that.

GIOVANNI: IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!! (Room looks to GIOVANNI, 
who shrinks into his seat. Quietly.) Sorry.

VENTRUE: (Sighs ignoring the outbursts.) No, Assamite. It simply means 
that you derive no pleasure from it. 
You can will the blood... if you MUST... 
to keep up appearances and what not... 
But you have no DESIRE for sex.

BRUJAH: Yeah... especially after finding out that Nosferatu has it.... 
(Makes a face.) There's a mental image I didn't want.

MALKAV: Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. 
A Spew Screw. Oral...

GANGREL: (Smacks him.) Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird 
little freak. 

TREMERE: So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to 
have sex? 

VENTRUE: The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them 
drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. 
It surpasses sex. 

(Muffled grumbling.) Well? Final thoughts? Comments? 

BRUJAH: You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and 
are pissed at those of us who can? 

GANGREL: Well I can throw out my date book.

NOSFERATU: Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.

TOREADOR: (Smirks.) There are exceptions to every rule.

TZIMISCE: (Shares the smile.) Exactly.

MALKAV: What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know... 
the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.

RAVNOS: Rules were meant to be broken.

VENTRUE: Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. 
The blood is our sex.

MALKAV: (Very quietly.) I believe that and you are crazier than I am.

VENTRUE: What did you say? 

MALKAV: Nothing. Just commenting on the weather.

(Smiles bright.)