If I Ever Become A Vampire Credo 


1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, 
I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.

2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.

3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my 
story with any reporter or struggling writer.

4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. 
An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4-wheel drive will 
be just fine.

5. I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding 
religious maniacs.

6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, because that's 
the first place people look.

7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, 
in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.

8. My ghouls shall have good posture.

9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for 
TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and 
other inconveniences.

10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, 
I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.

11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not 
change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, 
I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.

12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, 
I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave 
no forwarding address.

13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being 
for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain 
from such transformations in public.

14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with 
them whatsoever.

15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, 
doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they 
probably are too.