THE AIRPORT AMUSEMENTS

S. Sivasubramanian               
3 June  2002                      

The security in US airports or the total lack of it always amazed me, but since September 11, it amuses me.  Every time, I observe the revamped security teams in action, I get to enjoy a fresh episode of comedy.  As a matter of fact, since 9-11, I am looking forward to the security checks at the airports.

Immediately after 9-11, every airport in USA had two gun-totting US Army soldiers on duty at every security checkpoint.  These battle fatigue clad soldiers with AK 47 slung on the shoulders used to walk up and down the gates with a finger on the trigger and a gaze fixed far away, as if in search of that evanescent enemy.  These lean mean fighting machines invoked no fear at all but looked like caricature fixtures to the airports.  They seemed like USA’s poor answer to Queen’s guard at Buckingham Palace.  Six months into this drama, mercifully these men of distinction were withdrawn from the airport duty.

The airport security staff are as easy to spot as Martians in earth.  Usually they tend to be African Americans.  Women are almost always obese; tend to have outlandish hair-do, sport long brightly colored pasted nails with at least two designs imprinted per nail as if it were a job requirement.  Their gentlemen counterparts are not far behind.  They come in both thin and obese varieties and they too sport fancy hair-dos.  Their favorite hair dos are a tuft in the center of the head or a fully matted hair.  This security team in operation with their unique demeanor, feigned serious looks, purposeless to and fro swaggers and weird accent is a treat to watch.

There is a second set of security staff that are usually old, ethnic (Asian or Hispanic) in origin and have difficulty in speaking or understanding English.  They are always seen wearing a pair of latex gloves and standing alone and aloof from the other group.  They sport a disinterested resigned look of a reluctant doctor who is readying himself for a rectal check up on a disgusting patient.  These are the dreaded body-friskers.  They physically check the passenger’s body for any incriminating items.

On one occasion, the cud chewing McDonald reject (oops! gum chewing security staff) decided to look very intently at the image of a bag he was scanning.  He moved that bag back and forth in the scanner several times creating a long queue of passengers.  He called his colleague to have a look.  She did the same for a few more minutes and called the next.  In the meanwhile the passenger under scrutiny was turning pale, the other passengers stepped back in fear.  Finally, one of the checking folks broke the suspense by crying, “Move on Sir”.  The terrified passenger moved through the metal detector.  And lo, the alarm went off!  The passenger was now very embarrassed.  The security staff immediately decreed, “Put your jacket for scanning”.  The passenger in question put his jacket through the scanner.  Then the passenger was handed to the ‘glove group’ for body frisking.  Those senile staff made him pose like Jesus Christ and went about searching his body with both their metal detectors and glove-clad hands, all of which in open view of every passenger.  By the time the passenger was going through this ordeal, his bag was being scrutinized in detail.  Every piece of his belonging was removed from the bag and inspected.  Finally the security staff discovered that elusive incriminating piece.  It was a key ring that was attached as a part of the suitcase, which triggered his fancy.  The security staff grilled the passenger as to why he has having such a key ring and that too attached to the suitcase.  The ashen passenger replied meekly that it came with the bag, and he had nothing to do with it.  The passenger was finally let go.  The key ring that was in question is found in every roller bag and most of the computer bags.  It so happened that piece of metal triggered our security staff’s fancy that day!

In another instance, it was a woman who had similar honors.  Her baggage had something very queer.  The checker spotted that ‘queer’ something.  The usual process of stopped line, every checker pouring over the image and the fellow passengers retracting away from the passenger in question, happened in correct sequence.  The lady walked through the metal detector and the zealous checker ordered her jacket off.  The lady complied.  The jacket that gave her dapper look is now gone.  Everyone could see that the lady has stuffed her flabby frame inside a navy-blue skirt and white shirt.  One could see a layer of her midriff overflowing her belt line.  The checker suddenly had a new brain wave (perhaps just a wave!).  He ordered her to remove the belt she was wearing.  The visibly embarrassed lady pulled it out and put it out for scanning.  She walked through the metal detector for the third time, this time holding her skirt from slipping off.  The checker delivered the coup de grace.  He ordered her shoes be scanned as well.  The shoes went into the scanner and the suddenly shortened flabby lady scampered through the metal detector with anguish written all over her face.  Out on the other side the latex gloved friends were ready to prey on her.  The lady was now asked to pose Jesus with arms extended at shoulder level.  It was pathetic to see the lady struggling to hold her slipping skirt and keeping her arms up and extended at the same time.  Just then, the curious checker had emptied her purse and discovered the incriminating piece.  It was a nail file, camouflaged like a pen.  He asked her how she would use it.  She managed to demo it even when the latex gloved creatures were probing her.  The satisfied checker cleared her baggage.  The lady and the co-passengers were relived that the checker did not ask for a demo of the feminine hygiene stuff she was carrying in her purse.  But the best was yet to come, when this lady was trying to gather her belongings from the scanner, trying to tie her belt, wear her shoes and put on the jacket, one of those women checkers popped up the question, “Ma’am, where do you get this colored Lip Stick?  pointing to one of her lip sticks.  The lady still without losing her cool mumbled a reply.

All the victims who followed this lady were asked to remove their jackets, belts and shoes.  I asked the checker why they do this, he replied that it was to check for cavities and check on metal objects.  I was relived that he did not remember or magnanimously chose to ignore the metal in the jeans zippers and bra hooks!  Also another point of relief was that the body friskers were generally an old disinterested mob.  If only they were young and as zealous as the scanners, they would have had a peek at the passengers’ undergarments and would have asked inquisitive questions about the design and brands!

Once you are off this hurdle, you stand one in four chance of being thoroughly checked just before you board.  At least here, there seems to be a pattern followed.  Passengers with multiple or bulky pieces of luggage are the sitting ducks for this ordeal.  Often families with little children and old / infirm passengers are targeted for this check.  Usually two latex glove clad creatures will tip the luggage on a table and check item by item and finally probe the passenger with their magic wands and their glove clad hands.  Here their logic seems to be that the miscreant is likely to be a bin-hogger passing off as a family person or an infirm passenger.

The whole security process seems like a farce.  One wonders what is the real efficacy of such checking.  Besides putting up a façade of preparedness and security consciousness, the exercise achieves nothing.  Recently NBC reported that in random tests on these checkers, they missed seven out of ten times to discover the concealed weapon.  Knowing these checkers’ behavior, all the intended miscreant should do is to keep a queer nail file or a fancy lipstick in their bag along with their guns and bombs.  These checkers will be sure to ignore the weapons and take fancy on the decoy make up items.

Perhaps I should suggest the security authorities a better and a foolproof method.  One need not go too far excepting to look to the history.  Like in the concentration camps, all the passengers should be asked to strip naked and run through the metal detector.  No cavities, no hidden metallic item problems.  Their properties from dress to purse, shoes to hats could all be scanned, sealed in secure bags.  The passengers could be horizontally stacked in a morgue like contrivance (say a cabinet) and catheters could be fixed to facilitate urination.  Several such passenger cabinets could be stacked in container formations and loaded directly on to the planes.  One could play it very safe by even sedating the passengers.  All passengers will be locked in these cabinets and will be unlocked only at the destination.  Such method will be able to turn around the aircrafts quicker, eliminate chances of terrorism in mid air, save airlines the expenses of dishing out peanuts and coke.  With passengers locked up and immobile means more passengers per flight, nearly no need for flight attendants and no food and beverage expenses.  What more an airline requires?  And President Bush could declare victory over terrorists on US Skies!