| THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T EAT 1. Tyres. (they're like tires, only British) 2. Apple computers. 3. Anything you pick off your feet. 4. Cats. 5. Unless you're hungry. 6. Math teachers. 7. Unless you can make it look like an accident. 8. Pennies. 9. Anything that is still plugged in. 10. Natalie Portman. POETRY: The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun. Hand me the aloe-vera. RANDOM THOUGHTS: I like cheese. Why don't they have blue cheese? They had blue milk in Star Wars, why not blue cheese? Is George Lucas biased against blue cheese? You know, I used to like George Lucas, but now I think he's a git. That's a British word. It means dork. I like Britain. I don't like dorks. They taste funny. I make a lot of jokes about eating people. I think it's because I'm hungry. Maybe I should have some cheese. I like cheese. I don't really eat that much. I'd rather set something on fire. I had this poem once, it was really good, and I set it on fire. Fire is cool. You can spell fire "fyre." That's olde English. They didn't have a lot of vowels in olde English, because they were all at the ende of wordes.I think I stopped making sense. I didn't get any caffeine today. I'm addicted to caffeine. And s'more Pop-Tarts. Mmmmmm s'more pop-tarts. Barnes likes rice. I wonder what he ever did with that bag I gave him for graduation. Maybe he's saving it for his wedding. That would be funny...he strolls down the aisle, and we all pelt him with this rice. Only we'd take it out of the bag first. And maybe light it on fire. Then we could roast marshmellows and have some real s'mores. Now I'm getting hungry again. I think I'll eat some cheese. I like cheese. Why isn't there any blue cheese.... This is a story...about a cup of coffee. "So I went to the Brewhaus last week, right? with one of my friends, and she had hot chocolate, and I had a mocha with a shot of mint, and two percent milk, even though I'm kinda supposed to watch that stuff, but I felt like it was a special occasion, and then we went and sat down and started talking about you know, politics and God and dryer lint, when I noticed that there was a skin growing on my coffee. I thought at first that it was simply my two percent milk getting all icky on me, but then I noticed that it continued to grow, and pretty soon there were like, minature arms and legs growing, and by this poing I had pretty much stopped paying attention to my friend 'cause I was too engrossed watching my coffee, which had evolved into prehistoric man, hunting the woolly mammoth all across my coffee cup. And pretty soon there were like little tribes and clans, they were splitting off and forming minature civilsations, a foamy Rome was rising and falling, there was like, culture and art and music and stuff as my coffee continued to evolve and form small nations and go through a sort of Industrial Revolution and stuff, then there started to be squabbles, and skirmishes broke out, turning into full-blown wars. I should mention at this point that my friend is very angry at me because I've totally been ignoring her, but what was happening in my coffee cup was so fascinating that I couldn't take my eyes off of it. So they were like warring and fighting all across my cup, and pretty soon someone invented the bomb and dropped it, and then that was pretty much the end of it, because the whole mess was radioactive, but I drank my coffee anyway, because the bomb had warmed it up again. The thing I hate most about going to other people's houses is: the water tastes weird. I'm not talking about Perrier or Evian or anything like that, I mean the stuff from the tap. And that's just assuming you can drink it. This one time, I was in Germany, and I went to get a drink, and my friend was like, "NOOOOOO!!!" and she threw herself in front of me. I guess the water still had traces of Bubonic plague or somthing, but I never got close enough to find out. NOTE TO MY LOYAL READERS: I don't always rant like this. Usually they inject the medication before I get this far.... WANNA SUBSCRIBE TO NICKI'S NEWS OF THE WORLD? Write to Nicki herself at [email protected] |