| SELF i am ok, but i am in conflict about jay. he is so much trouble and so angst provoking. i don't know why i bother to deal with him. up until now i was sure he was the one. my day was good until talking to him just now. INTIMACY he "decided" on his own that he doesn't want to have any physical contact, whatever that means. i guess he is upset because we haven't had sex yet. he didn't say that, but i'm sure that's what it is. i asked if he still wanted to be together, or to "see each other" all he could say was that he didn't know...or "maybe." maybe my mom was right about him. sometimes he is so cold, like he doesn't have any feelings at all. then sometimes, he acts like i'm so important to him. it makes me wonder if we are wasting our time. i do not know. we fought the other day...he called me "lazy and selfish" AGAIN. what an asshole! why am i even spending energy on this...this..."man?" i will meditate on it tomorrow. i do not know what to think right now. FAMILY i am worried about my mom and sis. my mom keeps complaining about her neighbor. his friends are pretty shady, and the people in the neighborhood think that he is a drug dealer. she actually confronted his "associates," which was a foolish thing to do, in my opinion. she didn't like how they were throwing litter into her yard. well, that's not all. someone was shot yesterday on the corner down the street from her house. that has NEVER happened before. also, people are threatening to kill "cat man" (that's her other neighbor...he plays the organ) because he always calls the police. he doesn't take it too seriously...because he has a gun and is prepared to use it. he even said that he would protect my mom and sister if he needed to. it is getting scary over there. that kind of stuff didn't happen when i lived there. my mom is even thinking about moving. she loves that house. this really concerns me...well, if worse comes to worse, they can move in with me for a few weeks. seriously. WORK i looked for a few teaching positions on the net today. not too much there. the new postings (for the districts) are done on monday anyway. i have a lot to do tomorrow. i have to get a transcript from USD and take it to SDSU. i have to send some fazes. i need to get a primary care physician and set up an appointment at kaiser. i need to make a few iinterview appointments, and get drug testing and criminal screening for the position at polinsky's. i also need to get my immunization records from my mom. what else? the recommendation form to laura...bills to pay...and the laudry to do COMMUNITY i wonder how angel is doing? i really wish that i'd gone to poetic brew at the coffee shop. none of this shit wuold be going down with jay, that's for sure. i did a little more work on the discussion group. i am so glad i went to karate this weekend, even though i didn't want to. *the sensei* wants to test me for my stripe. i am now very focused - but i don't know what the change is... SPIRITUALITY spiritually i am good. i feel that my decisions regarding work and community are good. i feel confident and pleased about the fact that i am on the right path, which is to help others who need help. this worry about my family has my spirit in dis-ease...because i feel guily for ignoring them this past week. this thing about jay is really bothering me, because i am starting to feel like a fool. i wanted to commit myself to him. now? fuck it. he is putting distance between us. he is being immature and childish right now. it surprises me, because he hasn't acted like this before. it just bugs me that we have to go through this. i don't know. |
| August 6, 2000 |
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