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Jan. 9 Dear Diary, This is a crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy world. Not a day goes by on the playground without some major drama unfolding itself before my eyes. I don't understand why some people call me "the Playground Snoop". It's not like I go looking for gossip. It always seems to find me. I found SugarHigh at the mall after school. The little bastard's been hiding out there since being shunned from the playground. He was in WaldenBooks buying a copy of FINAL EXIT, the how to suicide guide. "Thought I'd give it to Wooman as a belated Christmas gift," he had said. Always the sick fuck that SugarHigh. Anyway, I told him I thought the idea was great and secretly slipped a bookmark into his pocket. When Sug went to leave, the store's security alarms went off from the sensor on the bookmark and Sug was promptly arrested. Sug's in lock up right having sex with a big, hairy-backed hillbilly named Bubba. Hope they used lube. Ouch. Speaking of shoplifting, after I watching Sug being led out of the mall by two nice policemen, I made my way into my favorite store Neiman's. You'll never guess who I caught stealing pantyhose. Ms. Dea! Yes, I was shocked, too! However, Dea was there with Wiona Ryder, so I guess it's just a bad influence. Plus, Dea said Wiona had given her some pills. This is not the Dea we all know and love. This afternoon. Mom caught ScarySheri sniffing dog shit on our backyard. She really is lord of the shit sniffers. I wish dad would pay to put up a fence. Well, dear diary, I must leave you for now. However, I promise you that you'll be the only person I tell all these secrets too. I will no longer spread gossip on the playground or print it on my webpage. You'll be the person that I share my experiences. You'll be my ear. Keep listening. AH |
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