“Love, I’m Alive”
Let me paint a picture of the not so distant past 
When you’d catch me smiling at the fading glass 
I would breath in unison with the floating clouds 
Turning down the volume where no noise was allowed 

Now I creep thru sticky situations 
My mind goes astray quickly 
And I lose all patience 
I’ve lost the time for the little things 
And what hurts me most is that I hardly feel a thing 

Staring at the sun, I see a moon half-complete
 Like watching my brain cells form then deplete
 I walk aimlessly into mild charades 
Letting go of all-knowing, forgetting all that I’ve made… 

I recall times of glittery eyes 
The mystery lost in the science of our minds 
You wept like you’d felt all the times that I lied 
I remember all the times where it felt as though we died 
Love is never a lie 
And Love will never die 
Though I’ve told you that many times 
You always choose to close your eyes… 

Tell me that you feel neurotic 
And I’ll show you how I feel half-sane 
Lost in fantastic visions 
Daydreams blocking reality 
Acceptance and love and happiness 
     Such peace 
Does it even exist? 
Outside my head, I sneak 
Nothing but everyday gray matter 
A fog consuming 
    Me & you 
Where the hell are you? 
I thrive in my world of music and snack food 
Behind closed doors, seemingly alone 
I feel loved 

And what may seem normal for the passing crowd 
  is that they’re always talking aloud 
And when they see me shyly glancing 
  they pull me into their mindless dancing 
I shudder to think I could relate to this, 
  But then again, why not?… 

I lost myself, 
     then found you sleeping 
Held in a dream, softly weeping 
Your body vanished in my smoke screen 
I still don’t know what that means 
And the careless meet the reckless 
And they’re stuck inside my heart 
It was silly, almost useless 
The way I tried to fall apart 

Now I’m held inside a dream, mind’s eye waking
Have to re-find what the world’s been taking 
I never learned how trying life can really be 
It takes the deepest heartbreaks to make one really see 
And the heartfelt and the sunny 
Watch them bloom inside my heart 
Still seems useless, but a little funny 
The way we need to fall apart… 

When u looked my way, I turned away 
Like half-remembered eyes, I want to die 
You didn’t seem interested when flames engulfed my heart 
I’ve lost all the interest that used to drive my heart 
The bloody baths, the sunny days 
What do u say? 
The trains collide, the planets shine 
Why’d you run away? 

I drifted off to die, watch my angel fly 
The onset of the coldest night, feel the darkest light 
You didn’t seem half-concerned when I would die for you 
I found the will to live again partly because of you 
The singles bars, the shooting stars 
Why don’t I run away? 
The dead alive, I rise and shine 
The TV’s fade to gray… 

When I think of how I sang my song 
The moonlight passing through me all along 
You cradled my head in the pit of your bow 
I wept 
While my broken heart shoots flames 
I dress up as a skeleton 
See me pass out candles 
I am a bird of paradise 
Will love be my recluse 
Will I stalk and fall away 
The silence feels mind numbing 
I melt in ease and sway 
Tight ropes, soft chains 
Drop by drop, a tear then blood then rain 
What’s echoed thru my whisper 
I never stopped listening 
There’s a crack in my rib cage 
But the child won’t fly out 			
Dance in unison with a pleasant light 
I melt in peace and sway… 

Antennas from out my head 
I’m an electrical mind storm 
Hoarding useless information 
Smoking what’s left of my human brain 
The dietary needs go non-existent 
I die a little more in some way 
You never really told me that you loved me 
I never really meant to turn away 
The ending all comes back to me 
I see me passing through so many lives 
A minute of truth can spill on paper 
My dreaming follows a pattern
I’ve yet to decide which is real 
You love like a menace 
I try to play my life away 
The memorization has become nonsense 
Of what I know little, even less now 
Watch me ramble 
I’d never speak this much in “real time” 
A minute may be short 
But more than enough time to spill my entire heart… 

Listening to dumb birds 
Seeing how we’re one in the same 
Relating so little to them 
Wishing we were one in the same 
I scratch out my eyes 
Plug cotton in my ears 
But I cannot hear the beats in the music 
So I have to listen to the dumb birds say: 

Hey hey wow I saw a ghost, 
I heard a voice 
My husband’s gay, cat ran away 
*cough*
He’ll try anything, but I respect myself 
It’s different, don’t you like this song, 
I I I I I… 

Don’t hear anything anymore
But the lyrics drive me half-insane 
Some kind of candy love 
The kind we think we dream of 
I prefer to dream while napping 
I can’t remember a thing… 

I melt in beauty and sway 
The heart grows an equal 
A mirror to find oneself 
A stream to drown out the voices 
A poet to relate to 
A certain lyric that makes you cry 
Only one voice you want to cling onto 
There’s only one thing that ends up mattering 
Do you love me? 
I choke out in blackness 
Blank eyes view out 
I want nothing but the music 
Please take me home 
The bubble extends its claws
Mimicking violence, I pause
And we think we know so much
And I lean upon a crutch 
But it’s only for the fashion 
I don’t really know a thing… 

I always thought you’d be there to see 
The beauty spring forth from the heart of me
But you prefer to stay hidden undercover 
Denying to your friends that you were ever my lover 
What is is what is 
And what is it that we said? 
You chose to forget, I to not remember 
Ties to our hearts all completely severed 
Like stone, I sit aimlessly 
You found another gallivanter 
Like you’d always wanted me to be 
I’ll still sit aimlessly 
Thinking how Love will one day be… 

The strongest force in the universe 
The guiding light 
My siren song 
The sadness that equals the joy 
The undeniable 
The beautiful 
The end-all balance 
The thing that may never come… 

Watch it shoot from the heart of me
That certain something we never ever see 
The lightning, the shapes, the patterns of light 
The love that was engulfed by the darkest of nights 
See me reside inside a happy bubble 
Keeping my mouth shut, staying out of trouble 
I duck when the thoughts fly with hyperactivity 
Putting a brain freeze on my own creativity 
Now my eyes may be nameless 
But my heart remains shameless 
So when I look at you and say I do 
You’d better believe that it’ll always be true 
I write like a madman 
Avoiding the sandman 
I live through the nighttime 
When will you be mine? 
I remain quasi-existent 
Love remains my one intent 
You may not see it, but I’m eternally yours 
Stuck in the soft glow of our fantasy world… 

You’re acting more suicidal 
I, more like a girl 
It’s a dreamlike state of confusing cross sections 
What is real, what is not? 
Memories flutter, butterfly wings crumbling 
I shower myself in their haze 
The end partially seen 
Or is this a new beginning 
My heart cracking down the middle 
Like a teenage painting 
Smiling at the thought 
Of another waking life 
A dream come true 
Holding me, loving you 
Thoughts flying in and out of light 
My mind not stuck in one mode 
I realize the changes in my heartbeats 
What they signify, what they mean 
Smiling at the thought 
Of another waking being 
We blend into each other 
Through morning’s soft glow… 

The vision is there, but my mind is not 
Sticking its head out of the mess 
Just enough to force a smile 
Cos the heart seeks better days 
In so many ways, you could have been true 
But in too many days, I found out it wasn’t you 
I dropped the ball 
Shut my mouth, smiles headed south 
It hurts like hell but 
The sun shines on, through another romance gone 

The heart shines openly 
Reminded of what it’s like to feel 
A tear of sadness intersecting one of joy 
They mix, they match, and it happens so quick
The blending of equals against my skin 
I watch in the mirror 
Thinking of a dream 
In which we smiled together 
It was the happiest I ever seemed 
But then again, it was only a dream 
But dreams are always much more than they seem… 

Into the night I wander 
It’s dark, it’s cold 
I don’t know where I’m headed 
I don’t know if I want to know 
Will you be there, as dawn breaks?
My eyes shaking awake 
Will I see nothing but endlessness? 
A broken-hearted abyss 
Tears sink deep against my lips 
Tasting the pain 
Another end reached 
Another lesson preached 
I shrivel into blankness
Losing myself inside hurt feelings 
You look stupid, I scream that I’m right
Our eyes touch for the last time 
You wilt into nothingness 
Lost inside hurt feelings 
Stoic-shelled, I cry inside 
You couldn’t know it, I know why 
‘Tis why this young love has grown so old and died… 

Amoebas and gummy bears 
Losing myself in your stare 
I think you’re completely unaware 
You have electric spiders in your hair 
Bat spell soup, sacrificial eyeballs 
Fuzzy, bloody bunnies tacked to the walls 
I won’t answer if you call 
Doesn’t matter if you’re 8 feet tall 
Drugged mind, dream states 
Awake to see the final checkmate 
Understanding the strength of the word “hate” 
The angel on my shoulder never debates 
Give me a bottle of sleeping pills 
My tummy’s been feeling sorta ill 
I think I lost what they call strong will 
My bones broken as I roll down the hill 
Take me to the reservoir 
I want to see the dead dinosaurs 
I still don’t own a car 
Coochie coochie, my life is a bore 
I’m nothing too 
Cos I’m still without you 
Be something with me 
Let’s give the world something to see 
Simple rhymes, given time 
My thoughts fly inconsistently 
Do you still love me? What’s it worth? 
A piece of plastic earth 
I bleed in all the wrong places 
In front of a wall of silly faces 
You’ll never hurt me again
Like you purposely did back then 
Balancing checkbooks 
Each entry another fishhook 
I floated off so long ago 
But you didn’t know 
Too busy dancing 
Sort of fancy-pantsing 
I floated off on a big lonely raft 
Tell me, does this all sound daft? ...

Full moon swinging 
Like the grandfather clock’s pendulum 
My arms swaying 
I’m dancing like a fox in asylum 
Don’t ask me what it means 
Cos I’ll never tell you 
My heart may be brown, may be green 
I may be 25, may be 22 
The nail marks around my heart 
The scratching against the stone pearl 
Envious and wandering minds 
We’re all lost against the world 
Like I’m lost without you … 

Leaves are faded 
My mind somewhat jaded
I’ve seen too much 
Though I’ve hardly seen anything at all 
My eyes get teary 
My body weary 
I fall asleep hoping to dream of you 
But I’m lost inside fantastic worlds 
  of murder, dragons, tarot cards and a missing girl 
We kiss, I melt
My being set free from everyday complexity 
Dreaming more and more 
’Til my fantasies become real 
And I learn again how to feel… 

Naked, sleeping 
Beams streaming around me 
I boldly believe 
That Love is real 
And if I were to die 
Would you still be my guy? 
Or simply turn into a guide 
To lead me back 
To where our hearts could beat 
Synchronized 
A connection we’ve felt forever 
Just forgotten for a brief while 
The music brings me back home 
I faint at your feet 
You tumble playfully around me 
I wake up, smile and see 
Your most beautiful being 
Not far from a dream 
I can’t believe it’s real 
Though I won’t doubt how I feel 
I Love You… 

Let’s go far away from here 
It won’t take us long to get there 
Hold my hands to your ears 
Don’t listen to the screaming
I’ll be the eyes, you be the feet 
Let us travel swiftly, count each heart beat 
Don’t bring a thing 
You’ll only need me 
See the changing of the weather 
More sunny days, more trees 
Breathe 
Now believe 
In a dream 
The truest of things 
I am sailing away 
Into a fading shade of gray 
See me smile, see me cry 
One day you’ll see the heart never lies 
Just for a moment, we’ll be alone 
My home is not yet your own 
I’ll be there again, to see you smiling 
One soul, two souls, free souls flying… 

I never thought it would last so long 
Partly torn apart 
My tears melting down like wax from candles 
Frozen midway down my face 
Targets for your sweet lips 
You never miss 
Gliding my finger through the dirt 
I paint an abstract vision of my soul 
Though it’s not yet whole 
At least, that’s what I’ve been told 
The little lights, stars shine bright 
My eyes grow darker, I don’t sleep 
I think about you, and I weep 
My heart like a palm tree 
Wings stretching out 
You clasp onto the last branch 
See it tumble to the floor 
I stop, I watch 
Nothing else seems to matter 
I constantly wait, wait for the day 
When you’re in my arms, heart pressed to mine 
And you softly say, in the sweetest way 
That you love me… 

I’m listening to the music in your head 
It makes me wish that I were dead 
You’ve changed like a season 
I still don’t know the reasons 
It makes me think that you’re dead 
But smiles account for something 
Happiness is more than nothing 
I’m lost like a cloud in the night sky 
Another feeling that makes me want to die 

I don’t recall you saying 
That you were only playing, 
When you said you didn’t know me at all 
You must have other people you’d rather call 
I’ll sit here staring at the boring wall 
My points are inconsistent 
I’ve never been too persistent 
So goodbye, I’ll see you once again 
My dearest friend, I hope you’re smiling then… 

Future beams 
I’m in a dream 
Haven’t any worries 
My face a little blurry 
You anchor in a vision 
Some sort of mindless mission 
I tackle and I cackle 
With my back against the wall 

What ever happened to timeless love? 
Wasn’t it the thing we solely dreamed of? 

Now you thought that you loved me 
You always kissed the melody 
I didn’t think that you were listening 
When I started hissing at the phone 
The radio was soft as air 
You’ve always known that I don’t care 
But really that’s a lie 
Because I do 
Don’t ever forget that I’ll always love you… 

Your obsession with the make believe 
Is making me believe there’s something special 
  in your heart 
Your silly prayers 
They’re all unanswered 
Is it true 
You create solely with your heart? 
You didn’t know it 
Cos I always looked away 
Thrown into your limelight 
I knew not what to say 
Who are you? Who am I?
Is it all just a game? 
Where are we both headed? 
The rediscovery of our flames 

My little heart it beats with patience 
You think it’s funny but it makes sense 
See me smile, see me play 
I never knew that I was dreaming 
That in real life we’re all just screaming 
See me wake up, see me walk away… 

I don’t miss a step 
Dancing to each heartbeat 
Like a fool, I mimic your every move 
You don’t care, you smile 
Say, “please dance with me for awhile.” 
I willingly oblige 
Casting all other suitors to the side 
I fall into your arms with pride 
We do the mambo
And the side-step pony prance 
Followed by la rumba 
And the classic chicken dance 
We finale with the twist 
Our encore, a sweet kiss 
As we rise above the rafters 
And live happily ever after… 

I haven’t sung in oh so long 	
The song that tickled heartbeats inside me, inside you 
It cast off with your faceless glow 
I’ve yet to know where it’s gone 
So I hum, my voice too broken to complete a verse 
But it doesn’t feel the same, nothing ever has 
I hide behind a shadow under a sleeping tree 
Thankfully, no one ever notices me 
I sleep half my day away 
Sit thinking about nothing deeper than topsoil 
   when I’m awake 
The frown on my face tells the story 
  of a heart broken, inflamed, torn to shreds, 
Left barely breathing 
Just enough to recall a time from another time 
And so the grin returns to my face 
I kiss the sun and burn 
The feeling would kill a normal soul 
It simply makes me wonder more… 

Two hearts spiraled, in love 
Trapped inside a block of ice 
Shining, the light reflecting 
A rainbow prism to the outside world 
Sweating, the ice refuses to melt 
The hearts continue dancing 
Trusting they’ll find the sun’s warmth 
Again 

Heart 1 says: “I Love You!” 
Heart 2 says: “I Love You too!” 
They unspiral and bend into 
Various shapes, like puzzle pieces 
Joining together, they make love 
The ice, never seeing such beauty 
Begins to cry 
    and the sun smiles down knowing that it’s time 
As the ice melts completely, 
   the two hearts look at each other knowingly
   for a brief second before shooting into the sky
   where they crash together 
   and add to the sky another bright star… 

Tiny smiles hypnotize 
Your eyes bend truer than a fact 
What I see in their darkness 
What goes unseen 
Blending in a sunray 
I’m hollow
Your smile matches mine 
It leaps from a simple rhyme 
I catch a fading tune
I’m walking on the moon 
Cold and blue, lost thoughts of you 
I’ve been in love and fallen out 
My heartbeat pouts 
Mysterious smiles, we question why 
The tongue hidden on the inside
 The love bleeding on the lips 
Give me a kiss 
Show me bliss… 

I’m a fool 
My mind soaring through impossibilities 
A heart uncertain between this way and that 
Boggled truths, relative to my youth 
I disassociate, my pulse rages on 
A smile, I play 
The music that always makes me happy 
The only peace I feel is real
And my closest friend at the moment 
Lays silent, but understanding 
We stare, as if aware 
Of each other’s inner dealings 
Tired, I crawl along, grinning 
My thoughts inconsistent as usual 
From nonsense to the truest depths 
To questions that may never be answered 
I smile in your eyes and we fall asleep… 

I don’t miss the groaning 
   or the kisses long since faded 
I don’t mind not having the warmth 
   or the whispers in the morning 
I don’t feel lonely watching 
   comedies alone 
I don’t believe that Love is lost 
   from everyone’s eyes 

I am calling my thoughts to surface 
   and relating them to forgotten dreams 
I am willing to relocate my belongings 
   and kiss just above your brow 
I am divided between what’s real and not 
   my imagination like a child’s 
I am saddened by the everyday around me 
   though I look to the future and smile

 I relate to a few, to each, 
   “I Love You” 
I mean it every time 
I dream, I live my life 
I write to escape
I never want this feeling to end… 

Wander each day 
Wondering where it’s all taking me 
To keep a smile 
I look in your eyes 
My dreams seeming more real 
I sleep less 
   to avoid their confusing realities 
Lost in the music 
My brain feeling more healthy 
I collide with mixed emotions 
Looking for happiness either way 
Loved by few 
I don’t need anybody 
Though my senses wide awake 
With another’s lonely touch 
I continue to wander 
Wondering what will come 
Writing my life away 
Pretending it might mean something 
I look straight into the sun 
To prove a weakness 
How great it would be 
If I could see right through it… 

Bored and melancholy 
Tripping through each other’s lonely thoughts 
Barely awake 
Kissing each passing moment 
My eyes sink in deeper 
Growing darker 
I look older than my days 
Almost pointless to care anymore 
Conflicting views 
About what life really means 
Do I continue to dream 
   or keep my faith in only what is real? 
Should I keep looking to the sky 
   smiling at the stars? 
Or just look down to the street 
   lighted by passing cars 
I look straight ahead 
But can only see so far 
Life loves to fill us with so many complications 
I feign hope 
Is my heart really there? 
I get stuck in the wheel of the everyday 
Like a mouse, softly running 
My actions deliver little consequence 
I want to feel alive 

I kiss each fading moment 
Quicker, my mind strays 
Connected to my heart 
I try to detach 
Before falling asleep 
I need another chance to believe 
Something to make my eyes see 
That inside of you and me 
Is the quiet thunder rolling 
Through our dreams 

Come closer, let me touch you 
The heat bringing life to my tired bones 
I grin, you drift off like the wind 
My ideas split again and again 
I don’t mean to doubt what I’ve always loved 
But life isn’t showing me much more
I’m tired of being 
Here or there or anywhere 
My subdued smile, hushed 

I feel the passion in my pen 
Releasing the frustration 
   of thoughts deemed unimportant 
I listen to my heart 
Crumbling in 
It pulses 
I try to tear open my ribs 
To reach inside and breathe 
The air through the lifelines 
Giving myself hope 
Your lightened air gives me hope 

I snicker pessimistically 
When you fake such optimism 
I love that you believe so freely 
But I don’t believe it can come to be 

Lost in the walls of a tidal wave 
Trying to fill my half-empty glass 
I splash to the shore and kiss a starfish 
I just walked as fast as I possibly could 
Thinking along the way of you 
And you, you you you 
My heart racing 
I’m actually smiling 
And it’s beautiful 
It’s that peaceful feeling 
Of a waking dream 
How could I ever say that I don’t believe? 
Life is hell if you live in reality 
We’re not stuck here, 
Feet plastered to the floor 
My heart’s screaming right now 
I want to feel it more 
My head tilted backwards 
I stare at my stars 
Believing in them may have brought me heartache 
But they’ve made me believe in Love so much more 
And I never should have forgotten 
Love is what I’m living for. 
     -2004