Palace Library

Please pull up a soft pillow and blanket and warm yourself by the fire my child.  Enjoy the writings we have to offer.


 
 
 

Date: August 22, 1999
Journal Entry: #1

    I would like to welcome you my traveler to the palace library.  I, myself, am the keeper of the scrolls; the keeper of the lore of the kingdom.  It is the desire of my lord that I should share his thoughts, his beliefs, his views, his morals, and his emotions with you.  I shall transcribe his thoughts and provide these documents to you.  His thoughts don't always apply to everyone and isn't always meant to be taken in the literal sense.  This library is an alter of sorts to free thought, of everlasting memories, of many theories of both people and life that one may hold.  Please feel free to share with me your thoughts, your feelings, or your emotions.  I shall always listen to you and take note of what you state.  Here is a pillow and a blanket.  Take a rest on the couch, relax by the warm fire, listen to the sweet music, and enjoy what literature this house has to offer.
                                    - Morphius, Keeper of Scrolls
 
 

Date: August 29, 1999
Journal Entry: #2

     I was talking to speaking to a young peasant boy the other day an it really saddened me about his lack of awareness for the little things in life. We were having a discussion about maidens specifically, but more metaphorically about life. He was sad because he felt little in his life ever appeared to change.  His feelings were apathetic and actual events around him were rather mundane. He left to tend to his farm before I had the opportunity to hear more of his woes.  I was talking to a young maiden a short time later. I always attain great joy when I spend the day amongst my people.  I enjoy and attain great pleasure in getting to know new members of my kingdom.  They often bring new insight, perception, or perspective on a particular situation. She asked me a few questions about the kingdom, about the laws of the land and the sort, the usual introduction conversations I maintain a hundred times a week. That went on for a short while and then something happened. She asked me what was important to me. It's a question that I ask people every day because it is something that really fascinates me. I mean what is important to someone, what do they cherish, what do they love?  Beyond family and friends what is really important to someone. Even with all the information my subjects and fellow travelers have given me over time, I admit here, that the question took me aback.  It is not because I have secrets, I am one of the most open rulers in the land, but more simply because, I just didn't think this particular topic would be broached in the confines of this particular conversation.  Anyway, I thought about it for a moment and I realized what was really important to me. What was really beautiful to me were the people of the world. Not so much any one person, but on a larger scale, the grand individuality each person possess, and in essence, each moment I share with a person. People always say how important sex is to them. How they "gotta have it!!" Well that is fine and all but you know there is so much more. It is here, after pondering, that I thought about the peasant I spoke to earlier. You know what is important to me. You know what it is I really appreciate, facial expressions and hugs. Why? Just think about it. And think about why people claim to be bored of them, why people always want more. One thing that I find amazing, with either facial expressions or hugs, is how each one is so different and unique. People say they hug someone when they are happy.  Each hug though represents a different stage of happiness or happiness over a different event.  As their are shades of emotions, as emotions change from one moment to the next, actions can be the same.  A hug may represent one shade of happiness one moment and another shade the next.  Because of this each hug, each facial expression is genuinely unique, ever changing, and never duplicated.  This is what makes them so special.  People forget that. People just forget what is behind them. Behind each one is a world of emotions that people can't always share, that sometimes our language fails to describe.  Our language allows for emotions of happiness, sadness, and anger. That's fine but if that was all that there was behind a hug then it would get rather mundane. I think people think that way sometimes. I think that is why people can get bored sometimes. What I realize, or what I believe, is that there is a entire variation of each emotion that falls under the more general heading of happiness, sadness, or anger. I state this again.  Within each hug there is an entire world of emotion that we can't always understand or appreciate. Because of that no one hug of happiness is the same as another.  Each hug represents a different feeling at a different time as our thought process changes. Maybe that is what people mean when they say there is a world to be discovered. Not oceans, not land, not space, or religion, just something a lot more simple. The emotions a shared between two people who care for each other. Not always lovers, not always people in love…just people, neighbors, friends, anyone you care about or take the time to know. What I think is really important, is what is never really discussed, never really understood, and most definitely never fully appreciated by person every time a special moment passes them by.

                                                  - Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 


Date: September 1, 1999
Journal Entry: #3


I can't say that I have often left the kingdom though many have indeed called me a wandering spirit.  If truth chooses to reveal itself, I have spent the majority of my 26 years in either one of two places, the northern plains of New Jersey or the southern beaches of Florida.  I have done some traveling throughout the world prior, though never leaving our great continent save as a very young child.  How then is it that people refer to me as a wandering spirit?  Have I not spent my entire life within the ancient settings of our great institutions receiving what I hope is a quality education?  It is some what of an enigma how one who has seen very little of the world, who has been stationary many of these twenty-six years, can truly be a wandering spirit.  The truth is not so delicate an enigma as one may perceive and here in lies one of the great paradoxes of our time.  Does one, who travels the world over, really see more or less than one who has yet to travel many of the great lands?  My own opinion, it depends.  Though I would never claim to have seen what other travelers have seen I would argue that what I have seen is no less marvelous, no less majestic, than what even the greatest wanderers have perceived.  You see if reality is simply perception, what one experiences, and if each great land holds majestic gifts unique to itself, then I to have seen the many wonders of the world.  One whose eyes are wide open does not necessarily have to be a literal wanderer to be referred to as a wandering spirit.  For in the essence of spirit, does it not mean cosmic traveler?  In another words can one experience the gifts of the world by just seeing and experiencing what is around them?  Personally I would have to say yes.  Though one may not experience every unique culture of the world one must be able to see that different cultures exist within each group of people, within each family we meet, within each person we meet.  Each person is in itself a unique world with so much to share with and understand about.  People, unique through their own perceptions, may have more of an influence than any trip one may take.  It is from each person that one may learn.  It is through each person that one should allow their eyes to remain open for it is with the sharing of each person that our ability to perceive grows, expands, becomes growing circle, with the warmth and illumination of our very sun.  It is through both ourselves, places we go, but also people we speak with, people we share the sensations of the world, that our own world grows and more importantly that the harmony of two worlds can slowly become one.  For how better to cherish our own world than to see the gifts around us, the majesty of our own land as well as the majesty of another's lands.  Knowledge, experience, wondrous perception comes not just from sight but from many other things as well.  Touch, hearing, smell, any and all forms of sensations should be taken (no illegal drugs people!), experienced, cared for, and cherished.  Hugs, smiles, facial expressions, as well as words of both wisdom and humor and increase our awareness of the world, our understanding of it.  Most importantly, to cherish what is around us, to understand the lands majesty, is to understand our own unique gifts we provide.  For it is important to know that although many have gifts from which we can learn and smile, it is also true that we provide many majestic gifts to the people around us.  Yet who actually sees this.  Too many of remain insensitive to what lies around us.  Too many of us live with our eyes, ears, and hearts closed.  We don't really see the gifts life has presented to us.  We just go about our business wondering when it is time to rest.  We must rise beyond the basic insensitivity of the day to day world, we must find what still and shall always inspire us.  What is our muse?  I ask you, my loyal reader, silly or not, big or small, what do you, as a lover of sensation and spirit, find just so awe inspiring, that it makes you take time from the routine of society, so say...WOW...what a wondrous event that is!

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 

Date: September 1, 1999
Journal Entry: #4


Recently I have been speaking to a young peasant girl who has been having a lot of difficulty with her family.  She is at a time in her life where she is beginning to mature, where she is taking those next big steps toward independence.  She has just recently entered the world of higher education, trying to make something of herself.   She is trying to set herself financially.  She is a little scared.  She is a little confused as to where life shall take her next.  She has been forced to grow up a little faster than most and in certain ways it has taken a little bit of a toll.  She has many things going for her including a need to succeed, a focus, intelligence, and an inner strength.  She faces many demons though, some from her past, some which shall encompass and may effect her future.  The worst demon of all it seems, is a duo of fallen angels of sorts, her parents.  She doesn’t have their support.  She is unaware, confused as to whether she has their love.  They trouble her by how cold they are to her, how cruel their words and actions are.  It must be so difficult for someone to combat these types of demons.  Is it a myth that parents are supposed to be there unconditionally for their children?  I think she wonders this sometimes.  She seems like a good girl, nice, honest, and is working to be a healer, to care for others.  Yet her parents don’t approve of her actions, don’t approve of her friends, I wonder if they approve of her.  Writing this last statement hurts me so much.  Why I wonder because the person I am writing about is not myself, in fact it is someone I barely know.  I guess it just makes me realize how delicate relationships, even what are supposed to be the most secure ones, really are.  One thing that scares me is the situation she is in now is beginning to eat away at that strength I have seen in her.  She is growing tired, frustrated, and sad.  I hope it doesn’t affect her future for if she passes on her goals, if the demons become too much then the world loses another majestic gift it would otherwise hold dear.  So the question is when is it okay to do something for you?  When is it okay to tell people, your parents for example, that although I love you.  Stop hurting me with tyranny, just stop.  Let me live my life and let me do the best I can.  Just love me.  And please…respect me.  How do you battle it when your world is upside down like that.  Finding inner strength is so hard but such a requisite to combating these demons.  The easy answer is to get out of an environment.  Easy to say, sometimes hard to do.  Reality can set in in so many ways and sometimes it just isn't feasible to get out of an environment that is so hostile.  How does one then survive the battleground.  How does one make their stand?  There are many things I guess I could write about, many things I could say.  Opinions I believe myself, opinions I have seen others do, all might work, and all might not.  It is different for each person's world.  This reminds me of many who have come to me seeking salvation prior to this young peasant girl.  I remember this other young peasant girl coming to me some month's back.  This person telling me how their family always came down on them for whatever they did even though they hardly considered themselves a failure in life. I will leave her resume ambiguous for now. The thing I told this person was simple. Yeah I know your parents feel they have your best interests at heart though I can safely say this isn't always an accurate assessment for every world.  In this young girl's case, it was safe to say that her parents loved her very much. The only thing I told her was take what your parents say with a certain grain of salt. Love them and don't disrespect them, but also don't get into a pointless argument about how they are too tough, how they are always trying to make your life so hard, about how they are trying to control you.  Take what they say in stride, listen to their thoughts for I doubt that all are pointless, but keep a certain perspective on the situation.  Don't lose your head.  Be calmer than them, be more mature than them.  Then have a talk with them.  If the talk fails then try again and again and again. If all this fails then take a break.   Just take what they say, the negative stuff that is, and let it just go in one ear and out the other.  As difficult as it may be, sometimes your own mental sanity is the most important thing to you.  There is little point to getting very upset over something that doesn't have to effect your day to day life.  One of the toughest things to do is combat your parents.  However, very little ever was resolved when two heated contestants slugged it own for emotional supremacy.  Be above it and just look at it from a certain perspective.  Assume your parents love you, and contrary to what they might say, they probably really do.  It can be such a difficult time in your life.  Trying to find an identity.  Trying to lose the child in you, yet fearing to.  Trying to find the adult in you, yet fearing to.  Many would be surprised how similar their parents are.  Like you they may be struggling to find an identity as you are. So just take what they say with a grain of salt and don't give up. There is never a need to emotionally collapse or give in if your combatant doesn't understand a certain part of who you really are or what you represent.   Be strong, don’t battle.  Don’t argue every point.  Respect yourself and them.  Be calm and try to find that median.  Talk to them, talk to them, and talk to them.  Don’t lose your cool before them for the second you do it gives them the excuse to yell some more.  Communication lines soon fall after that.  Be calm, be honest, and many times, for many people (but not all) you will find parents will emulate your behavior.  They will act like you because they wont want to be the ones to lose it, to lose that control.  When they yell just listen.  Don’t smile, don’t sound sarcastic.  Just look at them and let them finish their point.  Then when they are finished make your next point.  Be calm and many will find that most battles just wont come to fruition.  Most importantly know that your parents were their before you, do love you, and have much to share.  I hope all these people I have ever known can somehow meet half way.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 

Date: September 1, 1999
Journal Entry: #5


I ponder a question at this very moment.  Do you consider meeting someone randomly from another kingdom across the world (i.e.. internet) and forming a bond with them pure coincidence or wonderful destiny.  Truth is I am not really sure. There was a time when I believed destiny might watch over us.  Then again, perhaps the gods are indeed absent and life, our every action, is a wonderfully comical cosmic irony.  Think about this for a moment: you have two people. They are at home at the same time. They then
turn to their crystal balls (i.e.. computers) at the same time. They speak the same archaic magical words to log into that mystical astral plane (i.e.. chat room) at the same time. They then both decide they wish to meet other cosmic travelers and begin to chat.  They then both head to the same type of chat room. Now remember there are usually 500 rooms with the same chat title, i.e.. Romance Connection 43. After both heading to the same type of chat room, they are both randomly thrown into the same chat room number.   They then communicate with each other, usually with twenty other travelers in the room, hit it off, and form a true bond. Now you tell me, is this destiny or is it pure coincidence. Like I said I used to think it was destiny. During my traveling days, I have formed a couple of rare bonds from other planes.  Even though I may not talk to these people as much as I used to, I know that at one time there was a strong connection and a real closeness. In fact, two very specific people come to mind when I think of this now. I even remember telling them about my belief in destiny allowing us to meet.  Maybe they believed me, maybe they thought it was a cheesy "guy" line. Truth is, I am not sure I really wish to know what they think.  Truth is, I don't really think it matters much. Why doesn’t it matter?  Simple, the bond was formed and the closeness was felt, at least for a time. I know today, some of it is still there, with certain people, and some of it is not there with others. This really isn't the point though, the question I raise is, is online chat really destiny or coincidence. Certain people say that the universe is a total random accident. Other people say, god exists and there is a set designed plan. I don't know about either (I will hold those opinions to another journal entry or myself), but personally I like to think it is a little bit of both. So I ask again, is it destiny or is it coincidence?  Till now, I seemed to feel that my opinion changed and randomness, chaos reigned supreme. You know something though. With all the pain, with all the tears, with all the shame and cruelty in the world, I say the hell with chaos in this time. If you are lucky to find something as special as a real bond between two people, the hell with where you found it, the hell with how you found it, I say let a little good come of it. I say let a little wonder seep into that relationship. Allow something a little more wondrous, a little more majestic, creep into that relationship.  Oh what the heck, maybe it is destiny to meet that few special people over the net or anywhere else really. Those few special people that you share intimacy, secrets, sensations, tears, love, and happiness. I don't always mean sex, I don't always mean girl friends...just two people who connect emotionally and share a little of each other's world. Let it be destiny because a little destiny can be good. It's like having a little angel on your shoulder looking out for you, to help relieve some of the burden of life. I figure everyone can use that once in a while, even this author. Let it be destiny, let it be a hug, those things some most cherish.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 

Date: September 1, 1999
Journal Entry: #6


For once, which is something I try to avoid, I am going to talk gender specific for a moment. A question has been plaguing mankind for centuries, yes in this case I mean the gender of men, and that is, "Who the hell understands women?"  People all have theories but based on how many jackass males there are out there, I would reckon not to many of them have figured out the correct answer. Now I grant you a lot about life is trial and error, heck I hold that dear to me, I myself a psychologist with roots in both the areas of behaviorism and cognitive psychology, anyway, the point I am trying to make here is my species sure hasn't come close to figuring that one out.  Perhaps, myself included.  Well you know what, even with the odds against me, I am going to take a crack at this immortal enigma. How about this for an answer, honesty and respect...especially honesty.  Now I know this is a stretch for some people, yes I have told a fib or two or 5000 in my life, but I really think that is the answer. You'd be surprised at how hard of an issue this actually is for many people to grasp. Seriously though, simple honesty has to be it. Think about it, how many times has this species of males tried all sorts of elaborate scenarios to try to "land a chick" only to lose out simply because they were caught in a web of lies. Now here is the thing, at least according to one philosopher, if a man were to be up front about his intentions from the beginning then his luck would be better, in more ways than you would imagine. For whatever it's worth, this is my own philosophy.  Let's say you were going to a bar with the sole intention of trying to "get lucky". Well instead of the big rouse, why not just tell a girl what you really want. Yes, you might still get slapped in the face, yes you still might get beer dumped on your head, or yes you may experience "the bobbit" but there WILL have to be a part of the young lady that still respects you. I mean you were truthful with her from the beginning, there was no attempt to play with someone's mind, and there will never be any hurt emotions, except for a maybe a male's dumber half. My point really is a simple one. Be honest from the beginning in what you want.  Although you may lose out on certain experiences or "victories" as some pigs may call them you will find you will get something more. You won't be toiling with the emotions of other people. That to me is so important. If the girl says no to you then she says no, I mean hell, from a selfish point of view, until you get to know them, you can make the argument that they are all alike anyway. Look I don't pretend to understand women, and heck, this theory could totally be ridiculous; however, the way I see it, if you are straight from the beginning, then the girl will almost be forced to partially respect you, even if she doesn't go home with you. If we choose not to do this then what happens...well look around and see how few good men there are and how come so many are "cruel @#@$!"

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 1, 1999
Journal Entry: #7


I was speaking with a rather young lady the other day and she was telling me of an experience where one that she loved rejected her.  He dropped her a bombshell that I remember all to well from my adolescent days.  A phrase, one of the most difficult, emotionally deadly, and yet innocent sounding phrases one can hear, "I would rather just be friends." A nice sentiment no doubt, I guess we could always use another friend in our lives, but when it comes with someone you are in love with, well, it can hurt more than the cruelest insult. This is what I think of when I think of her on this night. How hurtful the most innocent sounding words can be. The sad thing is this.  How many times does a person honestly and genuinely even mean that sentiment?  Is it a true belief they share or a coward's way of saying that they no longer love you and no longer want to be a part of your life. The truth is obviously that it depends on the situation as most of us have previously seen in our own experiences. Still, regardless of the context, regardless of true feelings or cruel cowardliness, these are words that can hurt like no other. What does one do, the hurt one that is? Do they follow that sentiment and try to maintain a genuine friendship, or do they drop the other person from their lives. The answer is harder than it seems many times.  The truth is, and this may sound a bit cold, but there are very few people that are genuinely irreplaceable in our lives.  At the same time, there is nothing harder than admitting something one cherishes might actually be over. What does one do? ::sighs:::What does one do? What does one do when someone tells them they want to think it over, that they need time to think if they still want to be emotionally, romantically involved with you? Do you wait for an answer, do you tell them to screw themselves? What does one do? What does one do? It is a hard choice and not something realized easily. It's hard to just blow someone off and it's hard to just wait. I was told asked something interesting which I think of now as I regale this story to the one or two people, and myself whom might actually read these ridiculous words. ?  I was asked, "Do I call him or no?" It seems people share this common idea that there is some sort of protocol to what one does in a breakup, that there is a set of rules to follow. Now yes, anything we do or say, there is always a risk.  However, I say why wait for answer. Now I admit you can't sit down and stalk someone 5 minutes after they hurt you. But I also say you shouldn't always wait around the phone hoping he/she will call. If you are confused about something, I guess pick up the phone and get an answer. Admittedly the answer may not be something you want to hear.  Sometimes however, knowing the truth is better than living without closure, living with doubt, living with fear.  It can be so difficult to live with this most horrible form of hurt one can throw at a crying lover.  To lay with your thoughts that you only shared with your mate, alone, in the dark, crying by a phone, waiting, hoping, for a sound to bring you the happiness you once felt, you once shared with someone you cared for. Is it easy to be alone? Of course not, I am living testimate to that. Pain doesn't go away over night, it doesn’t go away when you are alone. Still sitting by a phone, waiting, hoping for a miracle never helped much either. What is the answer, heck, I forgot what the question was at this point. I figure the only thing I can say is this…there is no correct way on how to do things, there is no easy way to deal with any sadness. The only thing I know for sure is your mind, your thoughts feelings and fears, can be a joy to be around; however they can also be your greatest enemy. I guess love really can be the ultimate brain tease!  I would say this however.  Make the call if you wish.  Get the answer.  If it can't be saved don’t lose your majesty but begin to share with another.  I think of that young girl that I spoke this when I write these words.  I think of events from my own past.  I see myself and I see the living proof of that majesty I speak as I think of that current young queen in my life.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 6, 1999
Journal Entry: #8


So here I am, the night before my biggest day as a doctoral student, the night before I meet clients for the first time.  Don't let anyone fool you.  Hiding within the walls of a classroom is easy.  Yes, the material may be difficult, but the environment is safe.  It is something we have grown up in, been conditioned to thrive within.  School is something we are a part of the first days of our life and something we shall spend, many of us, some 20 years within.  This is why my first year of doctoral work was relatively easy.  This was why, though no matter how much I complained about the work, I was never really afraid.  Sure, from time to time I had a hard lecture or a hard class, but I always knew I would survive ever so easily.  You know what, I did.  But you see this is why the second year of doctoral work is so much harder than the first.  The rules have changed.  What we have been brought up with all these years goes from top priority to nothing more than a mere fancy.  I am still taking 4 classes at the moment but the emphasis on classes, the emphasis to study, is not the priority of the second year doctoral student.  What is the priority?  Clients.  I currently have three positions.  First, I work within my practicum seeing adolescents who have conduct and other behavioral problems.  This practicum is required for all doctoral students though not all doctoral students are working for the program ADAPT.  I also hold a position at a youth center teaching problem solving skills to similar types of children that I see in ADAPT.  The last position I hold is working, teaching anger management, in a prison.  This doesn’t make me nervous anymore.  I have been doing that since January and have grown quite accustomed to it.  In fact, I am very good at it according to my supervisors.  Tomorrow I see my first client in ADAPT.  Now let me take it back a step.  It isn't like I have ever seen clients before.  I mean I did work in a geriatric facility for year and a half.  That was nerve racking in its own respect but I grew very comfortable after about 3 weeks there.  I was also very successful eventually becoming the director of the department for a short time before leaving to accept my admittance to graduate school.  So what am I nervous about?  What is it that has me on pins and needles tonight, the eve of my biggest day yet?  Tapes.  These sessions are taped.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I have no problem recording a therapy session with a client and I don’t even have a problem listening to myself on a tape.  I have already experienced that in my interviewing class.  The issue is this.  My tapes are going to be played for my supervisor.  Here is where my fear lies.  On every other occasion I have ever had clients I have always had a certain freedom, a certain lack of supervision.  It was safe, it was easy, and it gave me the freedom to try different things.  Yes, everything I have ever said to a client was of an ethical front.  Now, here, on the eve of this day, it all changes.  I shall be judged, supervised, and the first comments will be made as to my skills as a therapist.  How does it all play out, you got me, though I do have feeling I know the future.  In my mind, I shall see the client, do well, make a few mistakes, and shall live through my supervision meeting on Wednesday.  I have a great fear of tomorrow and a total desire for it to get here.  I can't wait and I must admit I am really excited.  I know three things after tomorrow.  Like any job, three weeks from now I am going to be as confident as anything about providing care for my clients.  Two, I know that in three weeks I am going to be laughing about this journal entry I am writing now.  Three, I am taking my first real steps as a therapist.  From where I know, I understand, I own a classroom.  It’s a safe haven.  Out there in the clinic I know nothing, I am a foolish novice who has never seen a real battle.  Here, tomorrow, my real education begins thanks to that thing I fear the most, supervision.  And here, on this night, I pray that I can make it to a day three weeks from now.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 24, 1999
Journal Entry: #9


My dearest children.  My travels have been long.  My adventures hard.  It is now on a night like tonight that I allow myself to entertain the wonderful slumbers of sleep.  Before I do however, I must apologize for my recent dereliction of duties.  I know many events, many feelings, have transpired since my most recent addition to the library.  There shall come a time when I speak of my travels, of my adventures.  But alas, this night it shall not be.  I sit here on this night, my first night in the castle.  I have candles around me, the wonderful smell of vanilla, the white, the purity.  I see the black however.  I see that single cold flame burn in the center.  It is weak but it is there.  It is pretty here, the sound of the music, those wondrous violins.  It is dear to my heart that I have returned home.  Those adventures, those feelings, shall be shared with you soon.  But alas, slumber beckons me.  The soft blanket unfolds before me, the sight of that soft light beckons me to join it.  Goodnight my children.  My king and wish you well.  I shall relay his message soon and together we shall share a dance upon the breaking surf of the kingdom’s distant pleasure.  Sleep well my children.  Your most honored King and your most humble scribe.  We wish you welcome once again.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 30, 1999
Journal Entry: #10


I have spent my first few days back in the kingdom circulating amongst the great peasants of the land.  I always enjoy sitting down with them, listening to them, and learning from them.  Sometimes I think one is only as great as the people they know.  Now why I don't fully agree with this I am a firm believer in the concept that sometimes the most special knowledge we can attain are from the hearts, emotions, and little worlds that is each person.  One of the many truths I have learned is this.  Do not discount a person's opinion because of a particular age they may be.  Sometimes the wisest people we know are older than us, sometimes however, wise, wonderful, and special people may be people that are younger than us.  How so may this be?  How is it that someone who may not have had experiences we have had (because we are older) be able to help us understand concepts of life that we ourselves may or may not know.  The answer is rather simple actually.  Perspective.  Perspective, ones place currently in the world is a tremendous gift we take for granted.  So many people are in such a hurry to grow up, to have the benefits of being older, to have the knowledge that one is afforded from age.  The funny thing is we to can learn from people younger than us.  I wish people weren't in such a hurry to grow up.  People say we see things differently because of our gender, our race, our religion.  I assume age also applies.  Here is the thing though, who says age determines wisdom.  Who says someone, say sixteen, can't see something more clearly than someone thirty.  I would figure it would depend from person to person.  Here though is the kicker.  We can learn from all people.  By getting the perspective of anyone to a problem we are having we can get new information, new insight.  Sometimes seeing the world through the heart of a sixteen year old can give insight into something we might not otherwise see.  Each person is different I know, people may discount this most recent thought.  I say this however, listen to those around you.  Share ideas, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, values, and insight.  The responsibility may be on us to teach.  Sometimes though the best teacher is the one most willing to listen.  Wisdom comes from insight.  Insight from perspective.  I listen to those of my kingdom.  Beauty, innocence, youth, sometimes they are the key to a peaceful land.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: November 11, 1999
Journal Entry: #11

There are so many things I wish to write about on this day.  There are so many pressing issues about the kingdom and within myself.  There is time for all of this though.  Today, I wish to write a follow up to a previous entry about my experiences in my practicum for school.  A few weeks prior I wrote about my fears beginning therapy with clients and questioned how competent I was going to be.  I mean really, what type of quality of care would I be able to provide these kids.  I wrote about my fears meeting them for the first time and my fears about basically not knowing what to say to them or what to do with them.  It wasn’t the concern I lacked but I questioned if I had the skills.  I wrote that this fear would pass in several weeks.  I knew the fear would pass; I also knew that I wanted those six weeks to pass quickly so the fear would pass.
 Time has passed.  Where do I stand today about my views about my ability as a therapist?  It is amazing what a few weeks can make in terms of confidence and alleviating fears.  After several sessions with each of my clients I have been able to draw certain tentative conclusions.  I no longer fear meeting clients for the first time, at least in the dynamic of this practicum.  I am sure when I start seeing clients in a different venue the fear will return all over again.  For now though, life is very calm in that front.  I think being able to get past this fear has already made me a better therapist.  God, there is so much I still need to learn.  I mean, sometimes I feel I know what I want to do with them or say to them.  There are other times I still have little to no idea.  Heck, I even momentarily blanked last night during my session.  Its funny though because I just played it off.  I was very honest with him that I had a few questions for him and that I blanked.  We got a good laugh over it for like five minutes.  Eventually I was able to get it back together.  It is interesting how a good rapport can make or break the quality of a therapy session.  I feel better about myself as a therapist today than I did some 6-8 weeks ago.  I am beginning to visualize better what I want to say and see.  I am able to follow up with stronger questions and I am able to begin to fill in gaps a little better.  Man, do I have a long way to go.  I guess I just wanted everyone to know that those six weeks passed.  I have taken my first baby steps down that long eternal road to competence and quality care.  I know there is so much more to learn, man there is, but I finally feel, slowly, ever so slowly, that I am actually beginning to get somewhere.  I just wanted everyone to understand this point.  We enter many new and scary situations in our lives.  Sometimes we head straight for the door and kick it in.  Other times we hesitate, ask advice, and then enter.  Still other times, we run away in terror.  “I must say this.  Please don’t be afraid to try something you really want to do (unless it is illegal people).  Let the fear be apart of you.  Let it be with you.  Ride with it because eventually the fear will leave.  You know what?  Even when the fear leaves you, you will still be in that situation doing so much good, giving so much joy, and taking away from it an experience, a love, that is unparalleled.  Walk through the door, get through the six weeks, and enjoy, so enjoy the rest of your lives.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: November 15, 1999
Journal Entry: #12


I recently held a banquet in the honor of our great kingdom and listened to a wonderful young minstrel traveling through our great lands.  I welcomed her with open arms and invited her to play for us.  To my great joy, she accepted our invitation.  Her words touched me deeply; the very essence of her message reached the deepest realms of my soul.  Her message was simple yet so profound.  It is something I have come to live by yet something few people appear to really believe.  Her message, "You Live, You Learn."  A simple message I must say but something that I have allowed my whole life to be shaped around.  Experience is our greatest teacher.  Much can be learned from books, from lectures, from discussions, but the very essence of life is learned through experience.  Success is a joy and what we strive for.  Failure, however is where knowledge begins.  It is from here where strength, integrity, character, and courage are attained.  Many people speak of failure as if it is a bad thing.  The only bad thing that truly comes from failure is a fear to, or a desire to cease trying.  Every experience, everything we do, everything we feel, every emotion we experience allows us to learn, to grow, to become what we strive to be, what we hope to become.  Life is about perception.  How do we see what happens to us.  What do we do about what happens to us.  The message is so clear to me.  Do not be afraid.  Do not be afraid to grow.  Do not be afraid to try.  Do not be afraid to succeed.  Do not be afraid to fail.  Do not be afraid of victory.  Do not be afraid of defeat.  Do not be afraid to become.  Growth is inevitable.  It is a natural process.  Look around us and watch.  Study what we do, what we say.  How do others react.  Learn from our mistakes.  Correct what we must and move on.  This is the message.  Take everything we do, feel, and think and learn from it.  Use it.  Cherish it.  Experience is our most valuable tool.  Knowledge, the ability to grow, outside of love, is one of our greatest gifts and one of our greatest teachers.  To be a student of life is to try.  Life does not grade us, only we choose to grade ourselves.  To enjoy what we are, to enjoy what we can become.  To share, to cherish, to grow, is what one should really strive for.  What we choose to share or desire is up to each individual one of us.  There are no wrong answers.  How we do this is up to each individual person, but please, do not ever be afraid to try.  Remember, from failure comes triumph and from this come strength, character, integrity, and love.  Indeed, "You Live, You Learn."  I smile now thinking about her, about her voice, about her words.  I smile when I think of my many screw ups and realize that they don’t matter because I am a better person for them.  I can't say that I have ever completely screwed up though mistakes of my part have been made.  I have lost friends, potential queens, currency, relatives, etc.  Through it all I have realized the obvious.  The things I once had made me a good person.  The things I have lost have made me a better person.  Why, I am not sure.  Perhaps it is a greater appreciation for what I have today in this great kingdom.  Perhaps its understanding that sometimes we do lose.  Perhaps it is simply knowing that whatever happens today, no matter what I gain or lose, the sun will, always has, and always will come up for one more day.  Life can start over at any day if we choose.  Thus, do not be afraid to try something you might otherwise fear.  As it was sung to me on this night, "You Live, You Learn"

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: November 23, 1999
Journal Entry: #13


I happened to be sitting in a kingdom lecture the other day on the topic of marriage and family therapy   and we got into the issue of whether persons who are either married or dating should have friends of the opposite sex.  Naturally, it was the master's argument that it probably is wrong because your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or husband should provide all of your emotional needs.  Lets just say I expressed my opinions, which completely disagreed with her.  I was naturally debated with by a collection of peasants from the kingdom.  They argued that it was wrong and that any person your significant other feels uncomfortable with should be immediately be removed from your life.  Unfortunately, I do not have time to debate all my points on here because I actually have to catch a plane home for the turkey break.  I do want to however submit one particular set of thoughts and hopefully follow it up over the next couple of weeks.  For the record, I am of the belief that no one should "make" you cast out anyone from your life.  This is also hardly an absolute statement.  I do however want to comment on a point that both my professor and another student made.  They stated, what emotional needs do this or these other people provide you.  Well I answered them this way.  There is more than one type of emotional need and frankly no one person can provide it all.  When we get married, do we drop our parents?  No.  Do you drop our siblings?  No.  Do we drop our same sex friends?  No.  Why?  Because we care about them and they provide us with emotional needs.  Seriously, why should opposites sex friends be any different?  We have to begin to look beyond gender and see people for who they are and what they represent to us.  If they are important to us then no we should not just drop them.  No please know I am not making absolute statements here.  A spouse should be one of the most important people to you and their opinion should mean a lot.  However, I remain of the belief that although you may date or be married to one person you should cut off other people.  I understand some of this is inevitable but the people who are important to you should simply not be cut off.  There naturally is an exception.  If a friend of your betrays you or purposely attempts to hurt you relationship then definitely cast them off.  The choice however should be yours.  This is all I will say on this for now.  I am off for my plane.  I intent to follow this up a lot more thoroughly when I choose to write next.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: December 15, 1999
Journal Entry: #14


I have recently returned to the kingdom following a trip to my native homeland.  Seven months since the last time I set feet on my childhood soil I was so excited about the return.  I had hoped to see a few friends, I had hoped to see the family, the queen, and I had just hoped to be again protected from that security blanket which was my childhood.  Looking back on it now, the feelings remain strong.  "What a long strange trip it was been!"  So many things happened to me on this trip I do not even really know where to begin.  So many things happened in my own mind, the very direction of my life, for which I felt I always knew what I wanted, took a strange turn in my mind and heart.  It was a trip that excited me so, a trip that scared me, and a trip that saddened me deeply.  In short, though I wanted to escape, I feel I am now more confused than ever and yet more clear than I ever have been before.
I spent the last day of my trip attending the wedding of Lord Samuel.  A pleasant chap and a good friend, he married a fine maiden with a sweet heart.  Honoring myself, he extended me the invitation of groomsman, which I humbly accepted.  Now a wedding I partially had little desire to attend, the most unique thing happened to me.  I did not want the day to end.  Growing up there were always five of us and as it were he was the first to tie the knot.  I have spent most of my life hating weddings and I have even been known to slam the institution from time to time.  However, the strangest thing happened to me up there.  As he was walking down the aisle, he looked like he was going to collapse, I felt the warmest pride for the young man and was genuinely happy for his next step.  It pleased me that he did so well.  I realized more clearly than ever what it was that I wanted in my own life.  The time will come, the places are set.  The grandest ceremony is yet to come and the hearts of the true I want to share the warmth.  The fire of my heart burned true and deep.  At that moment, I was clear, at that moment, any doubt ceased, the world stopped, and the blanket covered us all.
I was riding around a lot in the homeland.  There was so much to see.  We traveled to a little town near home.  I looked at the trees, the smelled the air.  My entire life I have always hated where I grew up and I have always loved where I live now.  The strangest thing happened though.  For the first time, I more than longed to be up in the native homeland.  I could actually see leaving the southern lands and returning to the wonders of the north.  I am not stating that I would return to the exact place I grew up but for the first time I could hear that little voice, I could feel that inner tingle at being up north.  I felt at home there and for the first time questioned where I wanted to spend the next part of my life.  A completely unusual feeling and something that I never expected.  The entire trip home was something I never anticipated overwhelming me so.
I spent a day or so with dear friends from the childhood.  It is funny because these are all wonderful lords I rarely see.  Each time I come home however life stands still and life is right.  Though close with the people of my kingdom, I sometimes fail to realize how much those particulars mean to me.  Twenty plus years of history will do that for some.  How they feel who really knows.  I say this with most honest of heart.  Close is the kingdom here yet family they do not be.  Those four "fools" up north.  Family they be, family they are, strangers the heart will never let them be.
Where does my life take me next?  I do not know.  For the first time, my priorities appeared to change momentarily and I began to question what it was that I really wanted and where it was I really wanted to be.  I felt the longing of those trees, I could hear them singing to me.  A beauty unlike any other, a majestic blanket, that warm hot chocolate.  There is more to say but I shall leave it with this.  Where is home?  I do not yet know.  I thought I once did.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: February 1st, 2000
Journal Entry: #15

Though one so may claim to clearly understand that all things do end, it is the very strength of a person to weep, to mourn, and to question the essence of spirituality.  I do on this day.  Strangely, I do not even speak of people.  I speak of innocent animals that on this kingdom the kingdom has lost.  A family of six they were, divided upon adult hood.  Five chose to remain within this kingdom and one chose to travel to the kingdom of my queen.  Each special they were, each with their own little personalities and each with a special place in the hearts of those who loved them.  Time they spent in many kingdoms, from the queen, to my own, to the land of my birth, they were loved and cherished by many.  Many moons ago the first one passed and several weeks prior the 2nd had the passing.  Each special, each death was tragic though suffering was minimal.  On this day, three moons hence, the last dark night, I question, the essence of a beyond.  I shall not belabor the point but to describe briefly the details of the most recent nights.  I was bound for slumber two moons prior and chose to visit the creatures.  One, the mother, was ill.  She was bound on her back, breathing labored.  Her movement was minimal.  Her forepaws were struggling to gain control, her lower paws, seemingly paralyzed.  There was fear in the creature's eyes.  Sadness filled the air and hung close to my heart.  I knew her time was near.  I chose to spend those last hours with her foregoing sleep that I might have otherwise cherished.  I knew my sleep should not commence until hers became near.  She was made comfortable.  She struggled to move.  The smell in the air was of death but was calm.  Not a rancid smell but something peaceful like this was okay to happen.  I felt for her, I felt for myself, and knew she would not make it through the night.  Her soul was taken by sunup.

I would not question the spirituality of things if it weren't for events that began 4 fortnights prior.  The death of the one held by queen had begun.  The animal, sick, appeared happy, and comfortable.  She was well taken care for and precautions were made to keep her at peace.  Though ill for these many weeks she maintained her life and she maintained her spirit.  Why do I question the reasons of nature, the essence of god.  I do for simply this.  Avoiding any other time to pass, she chose to pass less than 2 moons hence the death of her mother.  It was like each waited till the other was ready so that mother and child could care for each other, protect each other, and love each other, not unto the next millennium but unto the concept that is eternity.  I, my queen, we should be so lucky, though I hope that time is not soon.

                             - Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus<
 
 

Date: August 1st, 2000
Journal Entry #16

It is with great enthusiasm that I return to writing at the great library.  Sitting here, with a cup of tea in hand, lounging by the fire, I realize how much I missed the relaxation of this place.  The colors of the walls, the smell of the fresh ink, the beauty of the aged parchment, it is all home to me.  I continue to have much to share and look forward to again working with Morphius in sharing the issues and wonders of the land.  It is regrettable that I have been away for this time tending to other matters of the kingdom.  I am hopeful that these pauses of time are over with and I can again have time to reflect, ponder, and enjoy life's little riddles.  I leave you for now as I wish to return to my reading and enjoy the warmth of the hearth.  I shall visit again upon each fortnight when the moon is at its peak and the smell of the hearth humbles the night.

-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 

Date: August 15, 2000
Journal Entry #17


It is the strangest thing this Sunday night depression I get.  It was something I tackled long and hard wondering if I should write about it.  It are such a consistent part of my life at this point, its funny its almost like an old friend stopping by for a visit.  Have a great week, enjoy my weekly excursions with an enthusiasm that few share, and then just like a biological clock, come 5 p.m. Sunday, here comes the depression.  I often ask myself what causes this.  What is it about my life that allows me to get depressed those few hours before a Monday?  Now I know most people say, heck it's another week to start, work, and school, it all blows.  In many ways, this is true.  In many ways, Mondays are always a pain.  Less sleep, less fun, less freedom, the routine of work can be so droll.  I think for me though it is more than that.  Running a kingdom can be lonely work.  It is something that is hard to achieve, it is something that one is constantly striving to improve upon.  I have a lot of responsibility to other people.  To my family, to my peers, to my queen, but really in the end to myself.  Happiness obviously starts from within and I know my happiness is there.  So why this weekly depression?  Well the answer is actually simpler than it seems.  One of the biggest difficulties in running a kingdom, in listening to my public, to hearing their problems and providing "cures" of sort is all the evaluation that comes with it.  There is little freedom to do what you want because you always have to please someone else.  What do I mean?  Well in my line of work, there is an elderly lineage that still carries a level of power, a level of respect I must meet.  I am constantly evaluated.  Not by my family but rather by specific royal peers.  Sometimes this can get very old and sometimes it can get very scary.  When I meet with these people, it is to see how I am doing.  What does Monday represent to me.  Starting over, getting that evaluation again.  If I am so confident in them, what scares me about them so?  The answer is clear as I write this.  I worry about the fact that I will finally be found a fraud.  I rose as a squire.  A common folk.  I am not of noble heritage.  I was given certain abilities, certain motivations, and certain courage not to fail, as well as an ability to recover if failure ever came my way.  It took me a long time to reach my potential.  I had a lot of inner demons (laziness) to fight to reach that peak.  It was a slow but steady climb and here I am today, the ruler of a kingdom.  What scares me is that one day I will lose all of that.  What scares me is that one day I will realize that I have been working above my gifts and that it will all come crashing down on me.  It is strange because I do not really fear this a lot and actually have a lot of confidence in my ability.  However, Sunday night is a time for reflection, a time for fear, a time for depression that these events may occur.  I guess I could see Sunday night as a maddening curse.  I rather see it as the fear of god put into me.  I see it as a both a time for reflection and a time for motivation.  Maybe, it really is my greatest gift.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 

Date: September 1st, 2000

                                       Journal Entry #17

I wonder how many events, prior to them happening people can point to in their lives and say, it was this time, this moment that my world changed forever; I see my old life no longer applies, times change.  I can not say I am at the brink of that moment yet but in 365 moons the Dawning of a New Age is upon me.  I sit here tonight, writing, a few hours before I slumber for the last time during my summer.  Tomorrow school begins and with it a sort of magical countdown leading to the dawn.  I can almost hear the ticking of the clock…tick…tick….tick.  If you listen really carefully, allow the world to remain still around you a moment, you can feel it's very vibration.  This is what tomorrow brings.  Tomorrow is my last year of classes as I understand them.  I have been a student many years and though next year is not the last year of my taking classes, this next year represents the last year that classes remain a focus of my life.  Following over two decades of academia, the sands of time are finally beginning to melt into the unspoken darkness.  This moment, when it completes, will be a significant part of how my life changes, how I see life, and how my future really does begin.  I am both terrified and excited by this.  As many things however, I see multiple events at one time.  Another monumental event occurs in approximately 12 months.  In a little less than one year from the time I write to you, the queen finally returns to her rightful kingdom.  I have lived a relationship of true magic.  Distance has separated us but love has kept our arms reaching out.  As the clock ticks, the arms slowly come a little closer and that final hug will begin.  I have been a loner most of my life and this change, her moving to my…our home, represents something I have never experienced before in many ways.  A next step to my completion.  Though I am sure to be scared, though I am sure to be happy, I see one very powerful message clearly.  My life is changing.  I see it before my eyes.  I see that line staring at me, daring me to cross.  Do I?  Of course.  In a year that mound of sand disappears and a new life evolves.  In a year, the new age begins.

-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 15, 2000

                                       Journal Entry #18

There has been so many things going on lately that I cannot begin to relate them all.  There have been so many things going on lately that I wish to share them all with you.  There have been so many things going on lately that have forced me to defend my ideals, to defend my beliefs, and to understand that it doesn’t matter if others agree with me of not. There have been so many things lately that I have learned from.  There have been so many things that I have seen lately, things I am to say over the next few entries that most wont agree with.  I welcome you to my core.  This is who I am, like it or hate it, this is what I believe, this is what I stand for, and I am not afraid to say it.
A conversation ensued the other day amongst members of the kingdom.  The topic was "engagement rings" and really, the protection they afford.  Many people have a certain belief about marriage.  A certain belief, that I am convinced, has been socialized by society.  Now do not get me wrong, I am very much in support of marriage, and have already found the person whom completes my soul.  However, this is not what I wish to discuss on this evening.  The topic is engagement rings.  Do engagements afford a certain protection and does an engagement ring guarantee that protection.  Many people are often pressured by others to request a ring before they do a certain action.  Whether that means  loving someone, sleeping with someone, moving to someone, or anything in between,  they feel that if they possess this ring that they will have a certain security.  Almost like signing a contract, they feel this ring obligates them to remain with a person "for better or worse".  Now I will be the first to admit that marriage may change things in a person and that marriage often makes people very happy.  However, marriage is neither a guarantee of an escape from unhappiness nor does marriage guarantee future happiness.  I contend something very different.  When two people are together, a ring does not bring them security, does not bring them safety.  I grant it is a symbol or a sort or reminder, but I also contend that it is no more than that.  This symbol, though beautiful, does not keep two people together.  It does not provide that security for people who are truly insightful to how they feel about each other and the world.  I hate to say it but someone is just as easily able to get "dumped" or "cheated on" whether they mate has an engagement ring or not.  It does not prevent anything and it does not guarantee anything.  What does?  Love, happiness, respect, trust, caring, and communication.  In essence, what keeps two people together is what lies in each other's hearts, minds, and indeed their very souls.  It is these feelings, this shared bond, that untouchable place where happiness lies, this is where the security of a relationship comes from.  It is the uniqueness of this intangible realm that allows one's love and one's bond to originate, to grow, and to last.  A ring does not bring a bond and lacking a ring does not destroy a bond.  A ring is not a security.  A ring is not a guarantee.  People, there are no guarantees and no object or event automatically keeps two souls together.  What does is something much more special, much more powerful than some object, that people, is the bond.  What maintains the bond?  Like any gemstone, a ring can remind us of the bond.  However, a bond is more powerful than any magical object and thus can not truly be stored within said ring and can not be protected by the ring.  A bond with someone, a love for someone is so much more.  It really is spiritual in nature.  It is something that is in each of us, it is something that is around us, in essence, it is us.  This bond is the only thing that provides any form of a guarantee that love remains.  This does not come from, as most people believe, a forced arbitrary symbol, a socialized contract.  Want evidence, just look at the world today.  Again I state this clearly, a ring does not provide a guarantee.  One may leave with one given, one may leave without one given.  The bond is the security, as secure as anything can be.  I look at my own life and I know my soul is complete.  My core tells me this thus I believe; even as I temporarily look down upon a bare finger.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 15th, 2000
Journal Entry #19

Though it is something I have written about before, continued experience once again determines that this subject must be broached.  JEALOUSY!!!!!  Many people view jealousy as a sweet thing.  They say it shows that two people care about each other and that even two people maybe love each other.  They say it even prevents people from cheating on each other.  Naturally, I must take the other side as I think jealousy has ruined more relationships that it has saved.  I cannot say I am one whom has never been jealous.  Obviously, I have.  Still, it is something I try very hard to keep out of my day to day life and something I openly admit I easily am able to battle.  Unfortunately, recent events have yet again reminded me of the damage it can cause and frankly the idiocy behind it.  It is the classic argument, if you are dating someone, is it okay for your mate to have friends of the opposite sex.  PEOPLE, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, YES IT IS!!!!  Not just should it be expected but frankly, it is very healthy and I would even argue necessary.  There is a simple concept that must be broached: If one is going to cheat on you then one is going to cheat on you.  Jealousy does not prevent this!  I would argue that jealousy could even cause this!  Putting cheating aside momentarily, I continue to see countless examples whereby boyfriends (in this case) can not handle that their girlfriends have male friends.  People get over yourselves!  It is okay and it is even a good thing.  I am not trying to sound preachy but if I am, tough!  It makes me so angry when guys can't handle other guys in their girl friends life.  Yes, for the record, I have been cheated on before so I am not naïve here.  Look, what do I see?  I see guys who stifle their girl friends.  They attempt to restrict their movements, often through guilt or verbal aggression when they are not around and possessive groping and hoarding when they are around.  It's like if they are in public and the "friend" is around, or really any guy for that matter, they keep them so close, they don let them breathe.  Seriously, it is like a trophy they keep close, often fearful they will somehow lose them!  COME ON PEOPLE, GET OVER YOURSELVES!  It is 2 am by the way and as you can tell, I am angry now.  Look, I see boy and girl together.  I see friend, funny, cute, flirty, silly, just himself really.  I see boyfriend lose handle of reality making accusations that are inane and with no rationality.  He acts like the biggest horse's ass on the planet!  It is pathetic really.  Want a truth?  MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE FRIENDS!!!  It has been known to happen.  It can even happen with good looking people, where no chemistry exists, or chemistry exists, and there is total control of it.  Everyone I make a simple plea: Trust, until someone gives you reason not to.  Do not destroy your lives because you are insecure.  It is both immature and just not worth it!

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 15th, 2000

                                   Journal Entry #20

Less specific than the concept of jealousy, but strongly along the same lines, comes the concept of flirtation.  For some, flirtation carries an extremely negative stigma.  It implies that two consensual people are actively engaging in some form of a momentary physical relationship.  It may be seen among strangers, friends, or strange things I refuse to even touch on.  More often than not, friends are accused of having a relationship because of some harmless flirtation that occurs between the two of them.  In essence, some people believe that flirtation leads to cheating.  I wont even debate this here save to say that I would argue that flirtation actually prevents people from having affairs.  More likely than not, affairs stem from suffocating relationships where people feel stifled, isolated, and trapped.  Where each breath they make can carry a potential consequence.  Today, though I wish to discuss something different and that is the use of the word flirtation.  Where flirtation may carry a negative stigma, affection, to some, may carry a positive symbol.  Affection does not, and is not, strictly defined as sexual relations (or any cheating behavior) but rather caring, love, and yes, appropriate physical contact between friends.  What is appropriate?  Well that is defined by each individual person within each relationship one exists.  I will not debate what is appropriate in this case.  I have my views, you may have others and that I sincerely respect.  To me, affection amongst friends is a normal part of one's growth.  We care for these people who are close to us, we love these people close to us, whether boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or friend.  With these people we share ourselves, we share our soul, and we form our bond.  Through that, it is only natural that physical contact manifests.  A hug, an arm around a person, a caress on the cheek, or an "appropriate" cuddle on the couch, to me, it is part of the natural growth of a bond.  I know I have written it is something that most people fear and most people feel are wrong.  I disagree.  One must be in control obviously and naturally boundaries exist.  However, if one is truly a friend, then boundaries do not need to exist because boundaries aren't really an issue.  They are silently understood and respected.  Human contact is required by everyone and close contact with people we love are things that allow us to grow.  As a society, I believe there is a certain rigidity that we must overcome.  Flirting is fun.  God knows, I am the largest flirt on the planet.  There is more though.  There is something fundamental I feel we all forget.  When one is close with a person, regardless of gender, it is okay to be physically close with them.  A hug, an around drape, a caress on the cheek, bonds are important, bonds are real, and they are not limited to those we are sexually engaged with.  We must remain responsible for our actions, however I do not find this particularly difficult.  I love my queen, she is my final piece to a completed soul.  I love my friends, they are a central part of my core.  I wont fail to show either how much I love them.  And yes my friends, trust, understanding, and boundaries are silently understood, respected, and always honored.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 21th, 2000
Journal Entry #21

Its funny how things can change from moment to moment.  Looking back you almost never know the exact moment your destiny changed forever, looking back I am not exactly sure when my moment came, but it did.  The Dawning of a New Age may seriously have come, it is just not the one I would ever have wanted.  Today, I was rejected by my queen, for reasons right or wrong, she has chosen to leave the kingdom and start afresh.  It has been 36 hours into my mourning and I am not doing well.  I realize that much of this is my fault, that I caused her to leave.  Honesty is important but it is dangerous.  I realize that things I have said, things I may have believed have caused serious damage.  I also know she hasn’t given me enough credit because things she believes I am about no longer apply.  Things she remembers hearing me say no longer apply.  Fears do I have, yes.  Issues do I have, yes.  General feelings that I feel are understandable.  You want to know what, the most important thing that I know is that I love her, that I want her, and that I need her.  And knowing that, believing that, living that, those fears disappeared many moons ago.  Its funny because she doesn’t believe me.  Its funny because she doesn’t trust me.  But she knows me.  Oh yes, she knows me and she knows what I am about.  What does that mean, she has to know what lies in my heart and what lies in my heart, my empty broken heart, is her memory…..in truth, it is still her.  I know this isn’t about a reaction on my part but more feelings that have been a part of me for a long time.  Issues I have had, they haven’t been around, some in months, some in years.  She believes they continue to exist.  This I realize is where my fault may lie.  This is where I failed to communicate how I really feel.  I took a chance with honesty and I guess I failed.  I think I stuck with an honesty that wasn’t totally true about how I feel now and how I have felt for sometime.  I think I stuck with an honesty that hasn’t applied in some time.  So even if its to late, I make this clear to the world.  I love my queen.  I want to be with her and I want to marry her.  The timing isn’t quite right I know.  The plan has always been after I graduate.  I just want to enjoy marriage to its fullest, to give my all to it, and it would be hard with me in school.  It is to late to say, it is to late to try, at least according to her.  Maybe someone else can learn from my mistakes because through my own insecurities, I lost the only piece of heaven I have ever known, I have lost the proof that the gods do truly exist.

Sitting back I remember so many things and know there are so many things I will never see again.  I remember our first date, how I never said a word, and I was such a loser.  I remember talking to her that first night after our date and us confused about where my head was.  I remember her calling me “ehhhh” as to my looks.  I remember our second date down at a coffee shop.  I remember all the fun we had and all the great times we shared that day.  I remember her calling me “not to bad” as to my looks.  I remember our third date and all the hugs we shared in her house…god 15 of them in all.  I remember when I came to the door and she saw me and I saw her mouth the words and later tell me “damn” in relation to my looks.  See the pictures in the hall and see the happiness.  I remember the first time we broke up and I remember being in tears when she did.  I remember getting back together and her saying to me, “so are we back together or what”.  I remember the first time we spoke and her tears for another man.  I knew I loved her then.  I remember telling her during that first call that “you are going to have a significant impact in my life”  She thought it a line, I knew it the truth.  I was right to the impact, what I didn’t tell her then was that she was the one.  I remember telling my friend that she was the one and he just laughed.  When I said it again he heard how dead serious I was and he knew.  I remember so many things.  Me letting her use my favorite shirt as a rag for her nose when she cried.  I remember carrying her over puddles throwing things over puddles.  I remember her smile, me staring into her eyes.  I know the feel of my hand on her shoulder when she wears a flannel, I can taste that feel.  I know the feel of her hand of my cheek and my hand on hers.  It is the most amazing feel that I know I will never know again.  It is all my fault and I have to live with that.  Is there hope for us, I don’t honestly know.  I know it wont happen tomorrow even though tomorrow is so far off.  This has been the longest 24 hours of my life and I just hurt so much.  I was born to be with this girl and now its lost.  I remember other things that make me smile.  I remember the car rides to nowhere.  I remember getting her that necklace on valentines day.  I remember shopping for her ring.  I remember those times in her father’s pool.  I remember those walks on the beach.  I remember her laugh, her smile.  I remember us being warm together and reading physiology.  I remember making love to her and never wanting it to end.  I remember those moments and so many more.  I have issues I know and I have beliefs but I never wanted them to destroy us.  They also don’t hold in the same way they once did though she doesn’t see that.  She I guess wanted a guarantee.  She never really told me that.  I knew when we were getting engaged and I knew why we were getting engaged.  I even had the whole image in my mind.  Its was to be something so very special.  I wish she knew that now but I don’t think she even loves me anymore.  Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t.  I don’t know what to believe right now, I don’t believe anything right now.  I changed on the candles in the castle from white to red and black.  Black for the void in my heart and red for the bleeding I do.  One lone white candle sits in the middle starting at me, challenging me, inspiring me that all hope isn’t lost, that this will work.  I believe she wants it to work, I know she does.  Somewhere in her, she wants to be with me, she needs me as much as I need her.  She said she never takes the easy path and breaking up with me I know was hard, it was the hardest thing she ever had to do, according to her at least.  Everyone supports her and a part of me even supports her.  She needs time to think and I have to grant that.  This break up could be another day, a week, a month, a lifetime, or maybe forever.  I don’t know, for now I wait to the ticking of the clock, the beating of my heart, hoping against hope that she has the courage to do what is right, no matter what it is.  I hope she made the right decision, she feels she has.  Time will tell.

I hurt so much right now I can’t even begin to tell you.  I am on life support, a shambles of a man who I once was.  I am a survivor and thus would never do anything dumb.  Still, everything I know I believe I trusted is gone.  I don’t have a belief system anymore, I don’t have a reality, I am in the abyss.  I woke up this morning and my eyes hurt, my heart pounded, and I knew I dreamt of her again.  Those pretty eyes, those soft little lips, and that hug I cherish.  God I miss my hand on her hair and holding her.

I know there are so many things we will never do again and it both terrifies and depresses me.  I know I will never lie next to her again holding her.  I know I will never have my arm draped around her, her holding it like a teddy bear and then me playfully taking it away.  Her funny little commands to snuggle in that cute little voice.  I told her so many things about myself that I never share.  I told her things that literally, a person as open as I, have never told anyone.  I can smell blueberries now.  The problem I had when I was younger.  She knows it all, things no one knows, things that people will never know about me, things other girlfriends before her never knew, and things I cant imagine future girlfriends knowing.  Future girlfriends, god that is so hard to say.  It is so surreal and something I cant even begin to imagine.  I know she will get over me one day and I guess  may get over her as well.  The funny thing though, I don’t want to.  I never want to lose those feelings I have for her, those thoughts I have of her, I never want those memories to fade and I never want to them to become memories.  I want her back but I know I have to let her go.  She is making a mistake, she is making a decision though that she has to make.  She feels it is right and for her it is.  I really don’t know how much this is her and how much this is her friends.  Still, it doesn’t really matter.  I want to blame her friends so much and in some ways I do.  I blame myself more though.  She is a strong girl.  Courageous and loving.  I know she wouldn’t be blindly influenced, even by the people she trusts most, I used to be one of those people.  The truth is I know this decision is hers, the final decision is hers.  She asks me if I would take her back after all the damage she says she has caused.  Obviously we have both done damage.  The easy answer is yes.  The hard answer is no.  The hardest answer of all is yes because there is a lot to work out.  I never thought we would have problems, I never thought she would leave me.  Not out of arrogance or narcissism but because she always told me she loved me more than anything she ever knew.  Did I believe her, yes.  Do I believe her now when she tells me she is in love with me, yes.  She says it isn’t the same, that her feelings have changed in some way.  I believe that’s true.  I also don’t believe that’s true.  I know my queen.  I think I know her at least.  I know this is hard for her and I know she is both right and wrong.  She says we are like a cancer patient that is to die, we must let it go.  I guess the tumor of our troubles is large.  Still, I know the antidote lies in her, lies in us.  I always talk about the bond.  The bond is there and it is strong.  I know she knows we were meant to be together and I know somewhere she still believes it.  She may not realize it but hopefully she may one day.  For now I just grant her the space she needs.

I have been up and down since this whole thing began.  There have been so many moments when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I probably have to.  Support systems are amazing things.  I got home last night and 13 messages were left for me.  Everyone has a different opinion on what is going on and I have my own to.  This morning was so hard and I have already spoken to three people.  I am not doing well though at this particular moment I am ok.  It is like that though, each moment brings something new, something new kind of pain, some of it I can handle and others I have more difficulty handling.  Even thinking of it now the pain is returning to my heart.  I cant believe she has done this.  There is just so much I love about her.  She says I offered her no guarantee but actually I did.  She had my heart for 20,000 lifetimes and then 20,000 more.  Marriage was inevitable, I know, knew it, and always have and will believe it.  She didn’t believe me though, she didn’t trust me enough, maybe she just lacked faith in me.  If she did then I feel so sorry for the both of us.  I blame myself though for maybe I didn’t communicate what I needed to communicate.  We have become everyone else I never thought we would be but I know that means many things.  It means we are prone to bumps in our relationship.  We have never had bumps before.  The ironic thing is maybe this is good for us, maybe it does need to be done.  Still, I hope it returns.  Relationships weaker than this have returned and I hope she does return.  She asks me if I could ever take her back if she wanted to come back.  My answer is yes with a lot of talk.  I hope that always remains.  The thing I told her though is that I am not at that point by any stretch.  The fact is this, I just want her to want me back, that is as far as I am willing to let myself go for now.

I cant believe she broke up with me over long distance.  I cant believe she couldn’t do it to my face.  I wanted it and I didn’t.  People say absence makes the heart grow fonder but I believe sometimes it makes you forget.  Makes you forget all the good times and remember only the current little troubles.  It is all my fault.  I want her to hug me one last time.  I want her to kiss me one last time.  I want her to look me dead in the eyes, I want our blue eyes to meet, I want our hearts to touch, I want our souls to connect, I want that bond to cover us both, to protect and guide us and to keep everything out.  Right now me and her are all that matter.  I want her then, when all this happens, that she doesn’t want to be with me.  I never thought she would leave me but this is what I want her to do.  I want her to hug, kiss, and look me dead in the eyes and have her tell me that she doesn’t want to be with me.  I don’t know if she could do it, I wonder if she could, maybe she could.  I don’t even think she may know the answer to that.  If she can do it then it says a lot about where we are and where we might be headed.  I want to fly and see her and have her do it.  I also know I cant handle that rejection.  I can’t handle her ending it like that.  It would destroy me more than anything ever has.  It has been exactly 39 hours and 5 minutes and it has seemed like a lifetime.  My new life has been 39 hours and 5 minutes and I have never been more miserable in my life.  Why did she have to do this?  How far is the wedge between us?  Can it be taken away?  Must she be taken away?  There are certain things that are interesting and I hold out hope that maybe there is a tomorrow with the girl though getting to 40 hours is still a lifetime away.  There are certain markers that both give hope and may take hope away.  When those times come lets see where we are.  The majority of people I know feel like this isn’t yet the end of it, like something more significant has to happen for this to truly be over or that we will get back together.  I am inclined to agree.  Almost 5 years doesn’t end just like that though maybe it does since this is new territory to both her and me.  Everyone says it isn’t over and I don’t know if I agree.  It will be interesting to see how this all plays out honestly.  I am as curious as anyone is.

So here I sit and a question is posed on the television.  What do women want?  Well, obviously we all know that the average guy has no clue.  Obviously I have never thought of myself as the average guy.  I always thought I had the answer.  In fact, I always thought the answer was rather obvious.  Honesty, love, trust, communication, commitment, and integrity.  I thought I was those things, I thought that was what she wanted.  I thought I gave her those things.  Somewhere, somehow, I was wrong.  There is something I missed.  So what do women want?  I used to know, I thought I knew, obviously I have no clue or I don’t have what it takes to know.  Do I believe the last part, I never did, did I yesterday, yes, do I know, what the heck do I know?

I am sitting here at the moment listening to my favorite piece of music in the world.  Few know which this is but there is one who does.  She knows it all about me, she knows me in ways I don’t even know myself but I know right now she doesn’t appear to know me.  If she lacks trust in me, if she lacks trust in my intentions then she just doesn’t know what she means to me and what I hope I mean to her.  If she doesn’t know the strength that I have, if she doesn’t know my level of commitment to her, then how do I show her, convince her, without her thinking its just a ploy to get her back.

I continue to be in such a surreal moment in my life.  It’s the never ending moment and one I cant escape.  I am not sure if I would escape.  I am in such a state of denial.  I am totally aware of my denial.  I have dissociated, I have intellectualized, I have isolated.  Anna Freud would be so proud and I would be such a great case study.  This just does not seem real to me.  I keep thinking we are together and it feels so comfortable feeling that.  When I say we aren’t, I get this rush of energy, this rush of trauma, this rush of depression and I want to begin to cry.  Why is she doing this?  She needs to but I don’t know if I accept that.  I do accept it and I know it must be but it is so surreal.  I feel like I am talking about someone else, someone I don’t know but share a common bond with, maybe myself in a different life and we have connected.  She tells me we are over, I want to tell her we aren’t.  She says yes we are and I say no we aren’t.  In some ways I don’t believe we are over though I know we are.  I am bottling up every emotion right now refusing to deal in many ways.  I am dealing in other ways.  I am thinking about this now and I know it isn’t over, but it is.  Again, the denial continues because I know we can’t just go out like that.  If she says she is still in love with me then it isn’t over and hope isn’t lost but it is or is it?  I just don’t know.  I am left in the dark and I want to walk to the light but the light right now leads back to dark.  With questions come answers but with answers come pain and pain and more pain.  It continues and I wonder how much more pain over this I can take.  I am strong I know and patient.  I have faith in her that she will do the right thing but honestly I don’t think either of us know really what the right thing is.  I don’t know if either of us need to know what the right thing is right now.  Time will tell and time will define if we are together or not.  I know what I feel, I know what I trust and I know what I believe.  Right now there is little of each.  Not that I doubt her but that I doubt myself and I have fears that she doesn’t love me like she says.  I spoke of dissociating.  This is the hardest thing for me.  I am working on two or three halves right now (as if you can have three halves but I am in pain so tough).  There is the rational side, there is the confident side, and there is the irrational side.  There are nothing but remnants of each of the three.  I have destroyed everything.  This irrational side fears she is no longer in love with me, fears that she isn’t crying over me, fears that she isnt thinking of me, am I even worth thinking about, I do not know.  I have no faith with this side and I have no hope.  I also know it is a side that is always going to be with me as long as this continues.  Will she call again?  The irrational side says I doubt it.  There is another side to me.  This rational side that has confidence in us, that has faith in us, that knows her love for me couldn’t have disappeared over the last couple of weeks, not after almost five years.  It just doesn’t work that way.  Of course she is thinking about me, of course deep down she wants to be with me, and of course we can survive this.  I know she cares and I know she hurts as I hurt.  Still, as the white candle burns will the flame die or will it continue to light with strength.  I don’t know if either of us have the answer but I know that it is going to be an interesting journey.  I don’t know where I stand in terms of the future, the future has been torn from me.  Still, I cant wait to find out.  What a long strange trip its been.

What do I believe at this point who knows?  Will she call again, I don’t know?  Do I want her to, yes.  Do I want her, yes.  Do I want to be with her, yes.  Are there problems, yes.  Do I want to marry her, yes.  Am I ready, I know the answer to that but no one believes me.  Do I think we will work, I cant answer that yet.  I don’t want to answer that yet.  What would I say if I spoke to her tonight, I don’t know.  This is just so hard for me and I am hurting so much.  When I just wrote this sentence I felt that twinge in my throat.  I feel how hard this is, I feel how much this hurts.  I cant believe this is what she wants, I know it isn’t.  I know she loves me and I so want her back..

I hear that fatal moment in my mind.  I knew I was doomed before we even had that conversation that night.  I always knew there was more even when she told me there wasn’t.  Who knows, maybe there is still more.  Maybe there is some hope in knowing there is more.  I hear my voice asking the question I already knew the answer to.  I can almost see the pain in her face.  I can almost see my eyes staring into hers.  I can almost feel my arms around her as she begins to answer and as that fatal word comes down I can feel her pulling away from me, away from the arms that have always loved her, loved her before I knew her, loved her before she ever fell in love, loved her before she was ever born, loved her before I was ever born.  I can see the tears in her eyes and I know it must have been hard.  Her answer haunts my thoughts more than anything I have ever heard.  When I have a moment of calm, when I have a moment of peace, I play that conversation in my mind and the tears begin to fall.  Her voice haunts me, not her voice but her whispered word.  I knew the answer before it came but 42 hours and 15 minutes later I still cant believe it, I still cant accept it.  The phone has rung so much that I am always taking breaks from writing.  Then I think of her and I write again.  The word haunts me “yes” and I know life will never be the same.  She says it may be better and it may be though I don’t believe that.  Different yes.  Better no.  How could life be better without her.  It can’t.  It wont.  The loss is so strong and so permanent.  I just hope she feels it to, that I mean a tenth of the amount to her as she does to me.  I don’t know if I do.  I know I once did but I do not know now.  I really don’t know.  I cant even ask for I don’t want to hear the answer.  Her voice haunts me as I hear it again.  Its like a welcome ghost from my past.  Something I cling to.  I hear her tell me she loves me, I hear it beyond her words, I hear it beyond her tears.  I hear her tell me she loves me and I know she does, did, and always will.  According to her, it wasn’t enough and hurts so much because I don’t believe her.  I believe it is enough and I believe she believes it to.  I just took a breath and it hurt so much.  I still carry her with me and I want her to be a part of me, I want her to be with me.

I talk about the inner circle.  The inner circle is that place where the most significant people in my life reside.  Ken, Beth, Keith, Susan, Leslie, Lora, Kari, and Debbie.  We are the inner circle.  The circle has taken a loss today as Beth has left me.  I feel such a void.  Once a part of the circle always a part of the circle so she will always be with me.  Still, in my own circle, I am no longer complete.  I have lost a part of myself, a real part, the most important part.  I have aged 20 years in 40 hours and have little faith.  The white candle burns, its flame, soft, faint, but warm.  There is hope but it is far away.  We have taken a long journey together and now she feels we must part ways.  I don’t accept this and I don’t believe this but I understand that for her this must be so.  I give her her space but pray she comes back.  I don’t know if she will.  I love her so much, more than I think she ever really understood.  I appreciated her in my life more than she ever knew.  I wish she would realize that.  I can tell her once, twice, I have told her a thousand times and so many times of late.  Still, she feels I don’t and that is what hurts so much.  I want her back, I have to get her back.  I stare into the abyss and see the lost souls, I look down and hope I don’t become one of them.  I refuse to be one of them.  I see her light above me, I open my arms to her and she doesn’t come.  I raise my arms to her and she pulls away.  Still when I see her eyes I know doubt is there, I believe doubt is there.  It is all I can hold onto now and what I choose to hold onto.  I just wish I knew if she was coming back.  I guess time will tell.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 

Date: September 22th, 2000
Journal Entry #22

On Day 3 of hell, I write this after speaking to her and anger momentarily consumes me.  I am so angry at her, at us, at what the situation has become.  This is so hard and I just dont know how to deal.  I am angry at her for walking away.  I am angry at her because she she left.  I am angry because of her feelings for another man.  There is so much I have yet to tell her and there is so much I have yet to understand.  I want to tell her how unfairly she has treated me.  I want to tell her that I am mad at her for leaving so quickly even though I knew she thought about it long.  I want to be mad at her for not telling me the truth.  I am so mad at her for choosing to leave her when adversity arose.  I want to call her a coward for leaving at the first sign of adversity but I can't.  I cant do it because I respect her so much and I respect how hard that decision was for her.  I am just so angry at how all this came down but in truth I am in more confusion than ever. She tells me she loves me but she has to leave.  She tells me I cant take her back because of the wall she has built.  She is convincing me she is right.  My wounds are so deep and she is right, her confusion is great, and right now I cant take her back though i know she wouldn't take me back either.  This is what she says to me.  Her words, her actions, they seem so clear.  I am not angry but sad.  I am not angry at her because I understand how hard this is for but I am still angry.  I dont care that I am angry for I feel.  I wish it would go away and  I wish she would come back.  I just dont understand and I need to.  I need to get closure so I can move on and thus I must speak to her again.  There is so much i want to tell her and these things I choose not to write.  Why, I dont know I just choose not to.  All I know is i must understand, i must understand why she needs to leave me, to care for someone else and why she doesn’t want to be with me.  I sense her confusion and maybe even her regret though I feel that even with regret, this decision must be so.  If she wants another and she doesn’t want me then she is right and we must move on.  She says maybe we aren’t meant to be together.  She has said so many things that have mortally wounded me thus putting up an impenetrable wall though I am not sure if that really is the case.  I think I am as confused as she.  I know I will speak to her again because there is a lot I must say, things I must say about her words, her actions, her leaving, just things I must get off my chest before I can move on and before I can maybe one day forgive.  The fact remains though that I must understand because I know I cant heal until that days comes.  I love her so much it hurts me to write all of this.  She says we were not meant to be together and maybe she was right.  Though I dont believe this, there is a theory that fits the parts.  Nikki taught me to fight, to scrap, to argue, to claw through adversity when times were hard.  We fought to make it work and we succeeded for a time.  We only left when it was time.  My queen and I are not at that time I feel.  Shannon taught me to love, to love someone else more than I could ever love myself.  My queen, she taught me not to fear permanency, not to fear marriage.  If this relationship is just a prelude of things to come then so be it.  This I thank her for, now if she only could be cloned or time travel were possible so we could fix this mess.  Damn, I love her!  I know this last thing.  She has used the words settling and comfortable about me, about us in some loose context.  If these are what she feels then I respect her for leaving.  Too many people stay in something for comfort, it takes a courageous woman to leave.  But damn, why did she have to and why does the damage I feel have to be permanent.  I hope she can live with that as I must live with my own mistakes for both were apparently many and perhaps permanent so her actions, her thoughts, and mine are beginning to say.  Still, I must speak with her, I must have the answers though I am no longer sure I know the questions.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: September 24th, 2000
Journal Entry #23

I am sitting here right now, surrounded by flames, sounds of my favorite music in the air, and the white candle burns.  The flame is small, surrounded, by the cold dark flames of blood and void.  Those black and red candles burn ominously, and there, within their glow, hope still rings true.  We enter day five of this breakup and day 12 of this ordeal and things are both easier and harder than they have ever been.  I have spoken to everyone, the circle has come together to protect the wounded soul.  You know who your friends are when things like this happen and I love this circle so.

So many things have happened since I have last written, so many words said, so many feelings felt, and so many stories told, and yet, with it all, I remain where I am now.  Lost, confused, hurt, wounded, angry, and horrified with everything.  I remain so angry at what has happened and refuse to accept the events of the last days.  I hate everything so much right now and I love it at the same time.  I wish it never happened, these days, but understand now that it must.  We have spoken, so many times, and I am finally beginning to understand what is going on.  I can’t say I have clarity of everything but I am beginning to accept.  Well, actually I haven’t, but I understand that what has happened must be so.  I hate so much, I love so much, and I wish I could just keep talking.  Tears come to my eyes as I write this.  Tears of confusion, yes, but not in the way one would imagine.  Instead, tears of mourning are beginning to come as I now understand that hope is fading.  She no longer even wears my ring.  I can’t forgive, I cant forget, yet I already forgive her for leaving me.  It depends on my moment really for that is all life is right now, a strange ominous continuous moment that I can’t escape.  A nightmare so terrible, phantoms surround me.  I scream, I cry, I howl with the banshees but still it doesn’t go away.  The night doesn’t go away.  Please, god, make this stop.  Make all of this pain end.  I miss her so much but I know she needs to be away.  Still, I know I will survive as shall she.  She tells me she loves me and finally, after days of torment and question, I finally believe her again.  It was so hard to doubt her, so hard to not believe. I finally understand that she hurts, hurts as much as I.  I hate what she has done but I understand more than ever.  I understand as much as she, which still means I don’t understand.  How can she do this to me, to us, but yet it must be.  She says she loves me, she is in love with me, but not enough for us to be together, at least not now.  There is another man, a good man, a decent man, a rare breed among a species of crap, and for him a part of her heart longs.  A part of her I can never possess, more rightly, a part I can never be a part of.  It is something I once accepted but no longer I am sure I can.  Perhaps I can but can she?  The answer appears no.  I don’t know what is more important, that I accept or she.  All I know is I want them to be together now, for her to know what she desires.  I hate this man but I don’t.  The feelings are so conflictual.  He is a good man, a decent man, an evil man, but not through his own doing.  I scream to him to do what is right, to do what must be done, and that day, though it may never come, though I want it to come, I pray and hope and pray it never does.  The damage continues to ruin us and maybe save us.  I just do not know any longer.  I do not know what she wants but I know it isn't me but it is but it isn't and that is where she stands.  I hear her say to me I want to be with you but I don’t want to be with you.  A part of her isn't mine, a part of her is his and I hate that but I respect that.  I hear her say to me that she doesn’t completely want me or to be with me and it hurts so much because all I want is her or so I think, I am so lost now, looking, waiting, for that next thing to happen.  I hear her say to me that there is a part of her that doesn’t want to be with me and that kills me.  The words haunt me but I feel more at peace than ever.  Today hurt like none other but today was a good day for I learned what I needed to know.  I finally understand as much as she which is to say I don’t understand but I do but I don’t.  I now know she thinks about me, cries about me, and maybe wants to come home but she doesn’t know how.  I know we cant be together, not now, not like this, not as long as she has doubts about us, about what, or who she wants.  She admits those doubts clearly and I understand even though I really don’t.  Still, I actually do.  I know until that time of resolution we can never be.  This is the continued contradiction that runs in my mind and in my heart.  I know I cant take her back now as she cant me because these problems will arise again.  As long as a part of her doesn’t want us we cant be.  As long as a part of her wants him, we cant be.  She leaves me because of many things.  She leave me with doubts over my intentions for her.  She leaves me because of doubts about me.  She leaves me because of feelings for another man and the threat of those feelings rising again.  She leaves me because a part of her, a significant part, doesn’t want to be with me.  Our time is no longer now but may be again one day.  I know this now by the question I asked her and a new whisper haunts me.  I ask her if I should let her go and she whispers quietly as the wind…yes.  On this day, at this moment, I wait, and I don’t know when the wait ends and I move on.  I can only say one more thing to her.  My queen, you know where I am if you ever want to come home.  Though I know by your words I must let you go, for now at least, I continue to wait, even as the sun descends on the horizon.  I just do not yet know when darkness falls.  I do not know if I can forget all that has been said.  I do not know if your resolution will ever come.  I do know that as long as you want another we can never be because you say so as much as I maybe more so.  I await your mind to figure this out, I wait for the sun to descend, I wait for the darkness to fall, and through it my heart beats in anticipation of the future to come.  I just do not know if it is the one I want or the one I must accept.  Like her, now, for the moment, I wonder which is which.  Damn, I hate the wall.

-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 

Date: September 26, 2000
Journal Entry: #24


I continue to say I am living in the moment of this nightmare; sometimes the nightmare lets me rest, sometimes it seemingly mocks me, and sometimes it tortures my soul.  This moment, my moment is a bad one.  I sit in the court house waiting for the second half of my day to start and I cant think of anything but her and this mess we are in.  I know there is still hope.  I believe it.  I feel the sun, its warm rays leaving my body and leaving my soul cold.  God this hurts so much.  It is day 7 of hell and day 14 when this nightmare began.  I am so confused right now and have no idea what I want anymore.  I am at a stand still in my life and I cant seem to let myself move forward.  Always ,there is hope.  I find myself regressing in so many ways, back to my old life, back to things I used to do; it is all so hauntingly familiar.  I know we need our space but I can't help but want to call her so much.  Like her, I don't know what I want anymore.  Her, yes.  Freedom, yes.  I just don't know anymore but I do know I have been given no real choice and I must move forward.  I want to, I want to so bad, but I dont want to either.  A part of me prays she will come to her senses and a part of me knows this problem between us will never go away.  Her confusion has killed us but it also saved us from something that as she says can never be but god I wish, with all my heart it would be because its all I want.  I am so conflicted, I want to peak over this impenetrable wall between us and see what she is up to but I know I cant.  I know she doesn’t do this either.  God, I am so angry, so hurt, and so confused.  I so want her with all my heart.  Like her, though there is  a part of me that is excited about being single again.  I know I am not ready for it but a part of me cant wait to get it out of the way.  I never wanted it but now that I have it I dont want to give it up.  It was never important and I always knew it wasn’t but somehow it has become important and no matter how much I never thought about it, all of a sudden I welcome it though I desperately want her back.  She left us, ended us, because of the love for another man.  A man she dares not go to.  A part of me now knows I must do the same though I dont ever know when.  I never wanted it and I would never given her up for it.  God, this i so hard, I am so confused.  I want to peak over the wall and know what is going on on the other side.  I refuse to look.  She says she needs distance and I know it to but god i want nothing more than her.  Dealing with the new and the old, the conflict runs so deep.  What is most ironic, does my conflict really matter?  No, she isnt coming back anyway.  I know this now and that kills me more than anything.  This damn wall is too high, isnt it?  My confusion grows and I feel so guilty for it though I know, without the breakup and things discovered and said, I would have lived a life of joy, euphoria, and utopia.  I would have been happily doubt and confusion free.  Just hold on a little longer, remain pure of heart and mind, and see what happens when you re-visit your homeland.  Only until that day can a decision really be made.  Purity wont be so hard, I still see her eyes in the stare of every person around me.

- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 1, 2000
Journal Entry: #25


Tonight, darkness fell over the horizon, the curtain finally fell, the light finally burned out on that white candle.  Enough of the freagin metaphors, lets just say that events continue to occur that, my god, I am still in a state of shock over the original events, but this relationship continues to collapse at a landslide rate.  Truth, I know it is over now.  I know she isnt coming back, that she doesn’t want to come back, and that no matter how much I still want her, I know I cant get past the most recent events.  She seems happy, I will give her that.  Myself, I guess I am glad it happened as well, if only because I now know where things stand.  I climbed the wall and took a peek, another brick fell.  I have decided to burn my ladder for I choose not to have any more pain inflicted upon me.  I continue to blame myself for the destruction of us but I will no longer blame myself for anything that has happened since day 1 as we enter day 13.  Man, I gotta stop counting days.  Damn, I am so angry right now.  More so, I am in a state of shock.  I just cant believe all of this is happening.  It really is amazing how fast life can really change.  3 weeks ago I was as happy as a clam, having love, being with the girl of my dreams, waiting for her next visit with the excitement I only feel Christmas day.  Anticipation was so rampant within me.  Then 3 weeks ago things began to change and today, on the eve of the 3 week anniversary since this began, it is over.  I am just in such shock.  I dont know the reasons why this is occurring and I just dont care anymore.  It just doesn’t really matter anymore.  I trust nothing anymore.  Its funny because people ask me why I dont just go off and I guess I just dont know.  Other people say he is being mean himself.  My response is simple.  Put yourself in my position.  You have a woman, a future, that you love and cant wait to be with and then one day...POOF!!!...over!  So many things have been said that you even wonder who you are talking to because you just know it isnt her talking.  How would you react?  How would you deal?  Would you just accept it and be pleasant all the time?  Sorry, if I liked someone maybe.  If I loved them, possibly.  If I was in love with them in a way I never knew existed then, no.  Its called you hurt, you feel pain, anger, frustration, horror, shock, and despair.  It is how I feel.  It is just amazing how fast things have changed I guess.  Things have been so stable for so long and then the whirlwind hit destroying everything in its path.  I am so angry right now.  I am filled with so much anger and hatred.  I just dont really know what the hatred is directed at and truth be told I just dont really care right now.  I know its over, she has made that perfectly clear time and again, through words and actions, and I just have to begin to accept that though even I know a part of me still wants her back.  Damn, do I love this girl that much or what?  Actually, there is one simple fact I continue to tell everyone, I WANT MY QUEEN BACK!!!  Sorry to scream it but I just dont feel heard anymore.  Oh well, I guess it is what it is.  All I know is I cant keep blaming myself for all of this because, truth be told, I think this has very little to do with me and more to do with what she wants and perhaps what I never gave her.  God I am so angry right now and I am just so tired of being fair.  I hurt and that should be enough for me but it isnt because I still care and I hate myself for caring so I wont.  I DON'T CARE!!!!  Does anyone actually believe that?  Neither did I!  Still, maybe I just didn’t know her.  Honestly, and I dont care what anyone says about this, I really believe something changed in her, I just dont know what or when.  Even when I speak to her it just doesn’t sound like that same girl who always told me she was in love with me.  Naturally I know she is and isnt the same.  Literally yes but naturally new experiences can shape us and make us different.  God I hate psychology.  It is just she doesn’t seem the same to me.  I dont really know how she is different, maybe it is me.  Actually, it isnt.  I know I am the same guy I have always been.  i am though a little more bitter and a little less trusting.  Frankly, after this experience, wouldn’t you?  I know I have to move on and I guess it starts today.  Hearing what I heard yesterday has brought my life to rock bottom in this aspect of life.  Still it was the best thing in many ways because now I dont have to live under he delusion that she feels like she made a mistake and that she wants me back but is afraid to approach me.  It is obvious that she doesn’t and I have to accept that.  damn, I am so tired of being unfair that all I want to do is scream.  who the hell is going to hear me anyway.  For another moment at least, this nightmare continues to consume me.  Why wouldn’t it?  I am still in love with her?  God, I can smell the remnants of that burnt out flame.  Truth, between me and you library, I will that lost stare of hers when she used to look at me.  Course, how could I ever forget it, like everything else, it is ingrained into my mind.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 2, 2000
Journal Entry: #26


Okay, here is a confession for you.  i want my queen back.  I dont care anymore, I just want her back.  It is amazing how hard this is to let go and truth be told I dont think I want to let go.  I want her back but it seems everytime we speak more damage occurs.  Oh well, I just wanted to ramble a moment and clarify one simple point.  I want her back!!!  I just dont know if I can ever forget what has happened!  Okay, I want us back like we used to be but i know that can never be.  man, this sucks. Ahhh, well, just wanted to clarify one point to myself.  Man, I hate being torn, its like, when will I ever be able to let this go.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 5, 2000
Journal Entry: #27


It is truly amazing how life moves from moment to moment.  I am in day 16 of this ordeal and yet I still believe I am trapped within the same moment.  It is funny though because this has been a rather interesting week.  Large things have happend, little things have happened, and in reality nothing of event has happened, and yet, within this newest moment, at least within this moment, I have found a certain peace.  In reality this moment has lasted approximately 48 hours, perhaps a little more.  I have realized certain things about myself.  I took advice from the circle and I took advice outside of the circle.  In the end, I guess, it all matters and nothing matters.  The point is I have found certain answers within myself.  I have tackled events, seen certain things, dove to the deepest part of my soul, and within this trip, I have found a certain peace.  I am very grateful for this and hope it lasts.  I hope the healing can begin and I hope the anger subsides.  I guess more than anything I have gained an understanding on how I feel about certain things, how I understand certain things, and I understand how my thoughts and feelings are playing a role in my life.  It is funny because all i have really done is accept the thoughts that I have.  the thoughts themselves are irrelevant.  What I find interesting is I have spent so much time, so much energy,and so many tears battling these thoughts.  In reality, it appears all I needed to do was understand and accept them as a part of my life at this moment.  It is with this accpetance of my thoughts (both good and bad) that my peace has arrived.  Some say my thoughts need to change, others say my thoughts need to be let go, but in truth, I feel comfortable with how i feel about things.  Its interesting too because my thoughts are always evolving yet this peace has remained.  This is one moment I hope lasts.  I naturually remain confused as to what I want.  I no longer know and perhaps I no longer care as to what I want.  This part of my life has been determined for me and in truth, I feel no need to seek out any particular future.  Just let life occur and see where the ride takes me.  Understanding everything about me in relation to all of this, i sleep a little easier at night and remain a little happier than I have in weeks.  I hope this peace, this moment lasts though I doubt it will.
-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 

Date: October 12, 2000
Journal Entry: #28


As always I continue to live moment to moment in my life.  Looking back on my last entry I think I may have jumped the gun a little.  It is true I have found a certain peace with all of this.  I realize now that i will never fully understand what happened and in truth that is okay, atleast for now.  The answers arent going to come and I have learned to accept that.  I have found peace that she is no longer a part of my life in the way I always wanted.  Funny though, of late I have hurt more than ever.  I continue to miss her and continue to have all of my irrational thoughts that i seem to like to have.  Naturally I accept this as a part of me and no longer am in a rush to get past it.  Still, why do I miss her so?  I just dont know unless love is just the obvious answer.  Shrug.  In many ways I feel so alone in the world right now.  It is a world of infinite possibilities and i guess that is exciting.  I do find some excitement in that but then again how can you get excited when the one thing you search for is the one thing you already had.  it is really such an interesting concept to grasp.  I made a huge mistake in my relationship.  i broke the one golden rule.  Never tell your significant other everything.  I broke that rule by telling her about all of my marriage fears.  I respect the fact i was honest and I stand by everything I said, for it was the truth, but I shouldnt have pushed the envelope so often.  I let her in to deep because I thought we could sustain, that we were strong enough.  Because she had doubts in me, i was wrong.  Anyway, I know given the same situation I woudnt change a thing.  I guess I just wanted to tell the kingdom that I was still hurting.  Why, I dont know.  I mean I am so sick of hurting already.  My found peace is there but the emotions still run deep.  I feel alone and know that wont be forever.  I cant wait for it to not.  Anyway, I am going to keep this short tonight because I just dont feel like writing.  I just wanted to write for a moment and to say that life continues to be moment to moment and the last few moments have sucked.  Hopefully the next will be better, hopefully the wounds will heal already, and hopefully the warmth of a hug will come.  Future unknown, so many theoretical possibilities exist.  For now there is no rush.  Time stands still and I do not yet care.  I would say this however.  School has gotten ridiculously intense.  Gotta admit, wasnt the best time of my life for this to happen, third year of this doctoral program being the worst and all.  How does that phrase go, "Only the strong survive".  I know I will survive.
-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 17, 2000
Journal Entry: #29


Why does this continue to be so hard?  Why does it always seem to be on my mind?  Grin, maybe I was just that lucky to be that in love.  i almost take this pain as a compliment to myself; it shows how deep my love for a person can truely go.  Still, I am so sick of it all.  I am so sick and tired of thinking about it.  It's like this very dull pain that wont go away.  It is just getting so tired to deal with yet I wont let myself let go of it.  I mean nothing has changed.  I just accept this as something I carry but man, I just wish I could get past this.  i am so tired of thinking about it all the time.
I go home in a few weeks and god I cant wait.  It has been almost seven months since I have been home and I really need to be back among my people.  My local people.  It is going to be such a strange trip home.  I know it is going to be very emotional for me, very difficult in many ways.  I don't pretend to know anything and right now I dont want more answers because answers only hurt anymore.  There is a lot I feel, there is little doubt.  Course like anything else in life, it seems, I am still in the moment.  Still conflicted and both caring and uncaring.  It should be a good time home.  Already the festivities have been lined up!  Still, I know already it is going to be a tough week.  Something I both and dont want to face.  Still, i want this trip home and I know I will go with a good healthy attitude to my life.  Life will take care of itself as it always does and go knows a lot can happen between now and Novemeber.  For now I just wait, live my life, and see what comes along, hope that this damn pain will end and I can get on with it either way.  Even though I was released, even though I was told it ran its course, every emotion still continues to linger.  In many ways it really doesnt matter I guess.  Live life, enjoy the moment and see what arises.  Maybe there is a blessing in everything.  For now though I really dont care, I just want these constant thoughts to leave my body, to leave my mind and for myself to be happy regardless which direction my life takes.  I know what I bring, I know what i offer, wherever that cherishment and love are placed, man its going to be one hell of a ride!  I just wonder if the next ticket is bought by someone new or if I go round 2, well actually 3.  Ahhhh, be patient, because who knows what anyone wants including myself.  Time is a gift; time is a curse.  Thoughts, these pains, these wonders remain.  its like an old friend visiting yet again.  Chuckle, now thats a thought.  And that memory, I just experienced, (tear falls), how wonderous.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: October 17, 2000
Journal Entry: #30


It's funny becayuse as I wrote my last entry another image, well more a phrase came to my mind, "the stars are perfectly aligned an all is well with the world".  I remember saying that three days before it all ended.  An images comes to my mind and I know what I want at the moment.  I have an intense longing for the north.  Not New Jersey though, more Massachusetts or Conneticut.  I miss docks, boats, the smell of fish in the sea.  I miss places like Cape Cod.  I miss the small fishing towns before getting to Martha's Vineyard.  I miss wonderous camping trips up there.  I just miss those "fishing villages"  I miss the small of that sea air.  I miss the towns where everyone knows everyone else.  There is something so romantic about towns like that.  Cozy, warm, loving, beauty in an 1800's honor.  There is a connection with people like that, in places like that where you just want to take someone, hug them, hold them close to you.  There is a fun song on the radio and I am smiling as I write this thinking of places like that.  Placed  I have been: forests, caverns, gourges, caves, towns, real places that have their own enchanting beauty.  It amazes me that I am smiling now.  I see other things.  I see the place where I want to marry one day.  Upstate New York, I know the exact spot, a place no one knows, our little place.  I just miss the mountains, the smell of the air in those small towns.  Just wonderous, romantic beauty.  *Grin*  Good stuff!  Cape Cod is a great place.  Niagra.  The Vineyard.  People working on boats, smells caress the docks, boats coming in.  Places like that, are as much home as anything.  Gotta do that whole camping thing; nothing like the sound of rain on the small tent.  Very romantic, ahhhhhh, good stuff!  I guess this all came back to me when I saw "The Storm" but I have always known the beauty.  Heck, I speak of it so often.  I have always loved and cherished that beauty, all beauty I have known in my life.  Warmth, passion, caring, gentle love, and soft tears is what lies within me no matter how closed off I have been lately.  Wild lust, good stuff all around.  Well I guess I know three things:  my life is an unknown and I guess that could be fun, dont let myself close off (share those gentle tears), and rememer what you love in this world.  The rest will sort itself out and one way or the other.  Just dont lose who I am because I mnow what special that can be, how special those people in my life, past, present, and future are, and continue to smell the sea of the docks in that little hidden town.  *Smile*  How romantic.
-Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus
 
 

Date: November 6th, 2000

                                      Journal Entry: #31

The clock is ticking down.  The sun is again rising with a mysterious warm glow looming into my heart.  Time is winding down until my return to my homeland.  How do I feel about this?  Excited, happy, ecstatic, scared, terrified, and guarded.  I dont believe any trip, any moment will be filled with more unknowns than what will lie ahead of me for those six days.  I go home with many emotions, conflicted and torn, but with great resilency and strength in reserve in case events unfold.  How do I feel about that, about that unknown?  I welcome that next step.  I welcome the knowledge that I will attain through the actions or lack of of others.  I welcome it but it terrifies me for I do not know if this strength is true or no more than an artificial shield for what a part of me believes is the inevitable.  It's funny, I have never known less of situation than I do of those six days.  There has been so much, from so many people that has been thrust upon my shoulders and heart.  I have been there for my people and will continue to but it has taken a toll.  I feel I am humble now and that may be good but through this whole ordeal, through my own experience and others I have come to realize how special a person I am.  I'll emotionally hug ya, hold ya, cry with ya till you get through it, oh my people how I have carried and cared for each of you through these last three months and through it all deal with my own loss, my own death of who I was.  This trip home means so much because it may answer lingering questions, fate may be determined but at least I may no longer have to analyze because the actuions of two determine the fate of my world.  The north is unknown, no longer the way I left it last.  I go home scared, terrified, but morbidly excited knowing that courage exists in my heart to face my fears, love, anger, and pain.  This I have the courage to face or so I feel now.  I believe with this trip life or symbolic death will follow.  When I return on that air borne chariot back to my castle after six days, through actions or not of others, that next phase of my life will be a little more clear.

Jewel, Alanis, Cinderella, Lord Tyler, Sophie, and Tori have spoken to me and I hear their words.  Courage is abound to face the unknown.  Fantasies have begun.; maybe premonitions.  That spirit in flannel appears before me one more time and that smile, that tear, that look is all a contradiction of the last moment till the next.  I sense the presense and feel the touch.  What it means I dont know.  What is going on up north I dont know.  It may matter, it may not.  I have no sense of what will happen next.  Maybe something, maybe nothing.  In truth, I sense sadness and overriding hope.  I sense the presense of another though that is very unclear.  I may be so wrong.  Man, you couldnt pay me enough to pass over this trip home.  For now I live life in this madness of school in the most difficult academic time of my life.  I dont have answer to tomorrow.  Maybe this trip will provide it; maybe it wont.  I shall wait and see, remain humble, broken, but strong, and just let it play out as it does and follow wherever the path inevitably takes me.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: December 3rd, 2000
Journal Entry: #32


It seems so long since I have last written, so many thoughts have occurred to me, so many feelings I have experienced.  I wanted to write about all my feelings leading up to my trip home, all my expereinecs while I was home, and then how I feel now.  I do not wish to do this now.  I may yet in time.  I can say this with sincere honesty.  I have returned to Florida.  More than that I can not say for I do not wish to express it right now.  Home was very much how I left it and yet it was very different.  I guess all i will say is that it was the most difficult trip of my life.  I was suprised how I reacted while I was there and yet I expected nothing less.  What a place Metuchen, what a place.  I will say this, never walk Atlantic City by yourself at 3 am for that was dumb of me.  Next time go to bed when everyone else does to.  Oh well, it was hard and that is all I will say.  I guess questions were answered and I guess I now know where I stand...yet...do you feel it in the air?  I guess love remains so paramount in my heart.  Oh well, it is what it is I guess.  An unstoppable force that has ballooned out of control.  Life begins anew and yuck, that sucks!!!

Getting into the finals mode again, cant believe that time is here yet again.  Not to thrilled to be going through finals again, but its almost done.  Its funny, damn that was a hard trip.  I think people up north finally understand how hurt I am.  I think having my frineds and family up north seeing me hurt as much as I do was good.  I am glad they understand how much of a loss I feel.  I think it has surprised many people that I am not passed this yet.  it hasnt suprised me though.  You lose a gift and you get sad, you lose a soulmate, and you mourn an eternity.  It'll get easier in time as it slowly has already.  Oh well, I know I said I wasnt going to write about it, but hell, I can so there.  Actually coming back to Florida was pretty good for me.  It was the first time I actually felt the distance between myself and the queen, the geographic distance I mean.  Course, yesterday it all came back.  For some reason Sunday was a bad day, probably due to the dream I had Saturday night.  Growl, I hate sympossiums but I will spare my 4 am night story, dont worry!  Anyway, I guess all I can say is this.  We keep going forward and see what comes next.  Maybe it is someone new, maybe it is round 3.  Yeah Yeah, I know what the masses say but I dont care, I would consider round 3 because love is love, nuff said.  Oh well, i am rambling again.  Strange trip home.  Oh, that is what I wanted to write about.  I was at the movies yesterday and I saw the previews for the new Nicholas Cage movie.  One of those, if I had chosen this path instead of the other.  He chose not to take the girl in real life.  Then he sees what his life would have been like with her.  Funny, he was happier with her.  Oh well, just reminded me of my situation.  To bad, we cant know the future in advance sometimes; granted it would make life both easier and harder I guess.  Sophie, keep talking to me.  Ms. Hawkins and I have become one lately.  I hear my life in her album.  Course, I guess we can all say that.  All in all today is a good day.  All in all I have a good life.  I think I miss sharing though.  Sharing things with someone you love.  I guess that is what I miss most about having a girlfriend, even more than the sex.  I just miss the sharing...oh wait, i miss hugs also...damn I love those hugs.  Okay, enough of this, I gotta head to the stables and take a ride.  Till we meet again my people
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: January 1st, 2001
Journal Entry: #33

Well the new year is upon us; the dawning of a new time.  I feel this is going to be my last entry I write for a while.  I am taking to more personal writing after this, taking steps in my life, and perhaps work on other areas of the kingdom.  What can I say about 2000?  It started horribly and it ended horribly.  Definetely wasnt my greatest year but in many ways it I learned more in 2000 about myself and others than any previous year.  Originally when thinking about what i wanted to write I was going to rehash a lot of my pain but in the honor of new beginnings I wish to touch on a couple of things one last time before I close that chapter of my life.  Doors are always ajar I know and one never knows what will happen.  Still, it is time to venture forth.  I learned a lot from my loss and I felt so many things.  I have been angry, full of hate and bitterness, and much much sadness.  I have felt lost, confused, betrayed really.  I have really hated feeling this way; lost, sad, alone, frustrated, little confidence, frankly it blows.  I wondered what happened and wonder why it didnt get fixed.  Frankly the entire experience would make a great greek trajedy because it should never have happened.  Communication would have saved it all.  I felt lied to, information was withheld from me, and ffrankly i was treated with disrespect and unfairly in the end.  The funny thing.  Since it was all long distance I questioned whetehr I was really worth going out with.  As far as distance wise, he makes a great boyfriend but once together, for real, forget it, he just isnt worth it.  I felt that way for a long time; the pieces of the puzzle fit so well together.  Still, I know I am more than that.  I know I am an awesome guy, warm, caring, passionate, genuine.  I'll make you laugh, I'll make you cry.  I'll share with you, love you, and hold you close, kissing your laugh and hugging your tears.  A certain irony struck last week when I paid one last trip to my homeland.  I always knew that by December I would know my future and what I figured came to pass.  Irony struck thick though.  I was visiting an old red headed friend of the kingdom in a town of Bricks.  Memories swept me far and wide as I saw many familiar things.  Actually it was okay and I was handling it quite well.  It was so much fun seeing her again; three years is a long time.  Funnyt, I knew two things prior to my encounter with her.  I knew when I got back to my kingdom that I would have to begin anew and I knew that my seeing her was the last social event of my Jersey trip.  We naturally spoke of my recent loss.  Around 2 am we grew famished and chose to eat after a trip to a bar.  The circle became.  As my last moments before my new life became official, I found myself eating at a little diner where my old life first began.  I couldnt help but laugh at the irony and was quite a smile as I remembered that "interesting" day.  How often do we end an old life where it first began.  I wonder.  I admit, a tear did fall.  It is okay now.  I leave all of that sadness and anger behind me.  We start anew and I am so happy right now.  I love where I am in the world and who I am becoming.  I dont say these past or next words out of anger, out of bitterness, but out of hope anew.  I realize I deserve someone who wants to be with me, one who wants to love and cherish me as I know I will love and cherish them.  I know that will come in time as the healing continues.  I dont say I am over 2000, for I am not, but, well, it has been made clear 2001 must be the new dawning and I choose to embrace it.  Tomorrow, the candles of white return to my kingdom and the smell of vanilla will once again dance in the halls.  I am a happy guy, a decent guy, and one who will bring happiness to many.  I give this advice to you however, my reader.  Listen, and listen well because I would never wish upon you the mistakes I have made or that have been made around me.  Love is a precious thing and something one should never lose of give up on.  Talk to your mates my children.  Trust them enough to know that anything can be worked through if your love is strong.  Stop the bleeding before the damage gets to great.  Trust your mate, talk to your mate and let them know fears and concerns you have.  If you are hurt by what they say then please tell them so.  If your bond is strong then your mate will understand.  Dont lose that gift of love, dont lose that bond, because it is a rare and precious thing.  I know.  Finally, and here are where mistakes were made on my part.  Talk to your mate and ask them how they are doing.  One isnt a mind reader but one should ask if you ever say things that upset them.  communication is a two way street.  Trust in it and trust in each other because the union of two into one is something truely majestic.  Marriage may be the celebration of it, but the bond, the love, is what we seek and what we rejoyce with in the end.  Love it, cherish it, and respect it.  Dont be afraid of fear, adversity, love, the unknown, or each other.  These words i leave to the world as I take my first steps into something special.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus

Date: February 4th, 2001
Journal Entry: #34

I sit here writing again because I feel the need to on this day.  Though I told myself that I do not wish to broach this topic again in my words, rather keep them my thoughts, personal and to myself, I find this day harder than most and thus I share my heart one more time with the world.  A day to any other, today is a day to me that represents love, passion, and mourning at its best.  A climactic time for my heart.  Its funny because Valentine's Day reigns soon but on this day, my most precious, I allow a tear to fall one more time.  I allowed myself to delve deep into that area of my heart I chose to lock up, I opened the drawer, I forced myself to look again.  I saw what was, what should never have stopped being.  On this day, 5 years from the first, I allow the music of Beethoven to fill my heart, the tear to fall, and I allow myself this pain to re-enter myself one more time.  I celebrate many things in my life and, chuckle, January had many celebrations from my past.  However, on this day, the last of those first celebrations, I expose myself again and just allow the music to encompass me.  I dont care beyond this moment.  I dont care about tomorrow, life past or life future.  For this moment, I command time to stop and it has.  i find it very ironic that, though life has been good to me lately, I felt sad all day today, before I understood the true impact of it all.  I couldnt help laugh at the irony and I couldn't help but cry at the ending.  I see words in drawers and know how much it all meant.  Life may move on, yesterday, yes, and tomorrow yes again, but now, right now, I allow time to freeze and I smell the scent of wet hair, I hear the laugh of the inane, and I see the deep blue of the sea, locked, transfixed, upon my own blue, and I smile one more time knowing what people never find I once had.  Can a man find it twice?  Good question but for today, I dont care about twice, rather, I long for the one, the only.  I say this with tears of joy and sadness, 5 years come and 5 years gone, it was a pleasure, it was a privelege, it was an honor, it was life, and like I always seem to say, it was just never enough, time ran to short, and that first day beyond you is a day I never wanted to explore.  The stars will never be aligned the same again but I hope aligned somehow with one constellation or another.  Understand, on this day, as the moonlight sonata ends, that though tomorrow will come, I never wanted that moon to leave the sky.
- Sir Reginald of the Blade, Magus


 
 














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