Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You're dead. You're dead. God....you can't be dead.

Remus' eyes opened slightly, uncaring that there was no way to see anything but a dull blur through the tears that relentlessly fell down his face. He knew where he was. He knew what had happened, no matter how much he tried to deny it, no no no, someone like him couldn't die.

He had been through so much already. He didn't deserve that.

"Why not me...?" the whimper was lost in the midst of the harsh, dry sobbing. It hadn't stopped in hours, breaking loose from him violently. He couldn't stop it, didn't want to. Tears weren't hardly enough of a mourning for Sirius. He deserved better, he deserved to live.

Low moans and shudders wracked his body as all the pent up grief and guilt he had held in while Harry was around was painfully extracted from him. Should have said something to him, anything, he thought angrily. Should have told him. I don't want you to get hurt, please don't be sad. I care about you...I need you. Stay alive. For me. You don't realize how much I...love you.

A choked scream escaped Remus as he slid down the dirty wall he leaned on. You can't be dead. I never told you.... You deserved someone telling you they did care. You deserved to live. Yes, you deserved better than me, but you deserved to know. Just so you knew...you were not alone.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry.........I'm so so so sorry.........." his throat hurt but he managed the words anyway. Just in case somehow, Sirius could hear him.

"Sirius..." Remus blindly crawled into his old bed. It smelled like him. It was him. He could feel where Sirius' body laid previously, the sinking of the tattered mattress, the thin comforter covered in dust. So familiar. Where they used to sleep together when Remus would sleep over as children. It used to fit them well. It could still fit one scrawny, depressed man, couldn't it?

Crying quietly, he pulled the covers over him. It was warm, like Sirius used to be as he would lie peacefully next to him, as they would laugh as they talked about things they wanted to do now that it was summer, as they admitted their deepest fears in the dark. And, oh, it was so warm....Sirius would wrap his arms around him on those nights when James or Peter wasn't there, and smile against his neck as he told him he was absolutely gorgeous. Scars, scrawniness, and all.

"You were the only one who...." his body shook as he fought back the sobs. Sirius was the only person to ever tell him he was beautiful. The night when he had first said it, he realized he was in love.

Remus' eyes closed as he realized he couldn't stop the tears. "...You were the only thing I ever wanted...."

You still are.

//"Remus!" the loud whisper made the boy look up from his Transfiguration notes and to the desk beside him, where Sirius grinned at him. Remus smiled apologetically at the students in the back row, and leaned towards Sirius slightly. Sirius met him halfway, his lips brushing against his ear in the slightest, innocent touch. The feeling sent nervous shivers down Remus' spine.

"Snivellus is ogling you, you know." Sirius whispered in a breathless laugh. The other boy looked out the corner of his eye, and, to his great dismay, found that Severus Snape was indeed staring at him intently. And maybe with a hint of jealousy as he watched them.

Remus fidgeted. "I didn't need to know that..." he whispered uncomfortably. "And please don't call him that. You don't realize how much it hurts his feelings." he chided gently, and was rewarded with a snort in his ear.

"That slimy freak," Sirius muttered more to himself than Remus. "Thinking he can lay his greasy hands on my Moony. A few hexes from James'll do him some good..."

The werewolf's heart skipped a beat, then thundered quickly in his chest. My Moony...? Certainly he hadn't meant it that way, he berated himself. Recovering from his shock, he managed to speak.  "People...people are staring, Sirius.." he murmered, straightening from his leaning position.

A small squeak of surprise escaped his lips as suddenly he was pulled back down by a calloused hand on the base of his head. "Let them stare," came the blunt, husky reply of Sirius. "They're all jealous of me." the grin against his ear caused him to start sweating in nervousness. This couldn't be happening...

He was suddenly afraid of what he might do if Sirius kept up his flirting.

"Si-Sirius..?" he said in a soft stutter, and was answered with a husky laugh.

"Yeeees?"

"Le-let go."

And... Sirius had let go. The bell rang and everyone stood, a few still giving them odd looks. A few girls were even glaring at Remus in jealousy. Sirius just laughed and stretched languidly before slinging an arm around Remus' narrow shoulders.

Again, Remus had been taken aback. "What are...?" the boy couldn't put his millions of questions into words.

"Ooooh, you're blushing, Remmy!" Sirius gasped in mock surprise, before ruffling the already-disheveled sand coloured hair. The comment only made him redder.

"You're enjoying my humiliation, aren't you? You beast, what are you trying to pull?" Remus laughed, batting his hands away.

Sirius paused for a moment, grinning coyly at Snape, who stormed past them. Then he turned back to Remus, smiling in an affectionate way that kept the blush on his face healthy. "Well, more than you know..." he said lightly, and sauntered out to meet up with James and Peter.

"Yo, James!" Sirius waved, seeming to forget all that had just happened. Remus never did. He didn't want to.

He still felt where the rough hand had laid on his neck hours later.//

Curling into a fetal postition, the werewolf smiled despite himself. It was always James before him. They were neer as close... That's how it always was, until....

He couldn't cry anymore. The tears were gone, only the heaving sobs remained. He was tired, so, so, tired. He wished he could die. Would Sirius be waiting for him?

"I took you for granted...." he admitted in soft sobs. Loved you from afar, thought you would always be here. Thought there would always be time for "I love you." I was too ashamed to admit it. And you're dead. I might as well be, too. Life is nothing.....without you.

"Come back....please...." Remus' voice trailed off as he dug his nails into his scarred skin beneath the worn blouse. I can't even be strong for Harry. I'm so sorry I couldn't be what you were now that you're gone. I'm too weak...and I hate it.

I hate this war.

I hate what it's done to us.

I hate how life has treated you. Us.

I hate life now that you're gone.

I hate the way I so selfishly love you.

But most of all....I hate myself. My weakness, my curse, my waiting, my stupid hope that we would be together forever. I hate not being able to save you.

I didn't even try.

What do you think of me?

//"We did it! We did it!" Peter squealed with delight, a wide grin on his face.

Their last year at Hogwarts was over. Their adult lives had finally begun. The train had arrived, students were already boarding, saying their last goodbyes to the friends they had made forever. As far as Remus was concerned, that would never have to happen to him and his friends.

James caught Peter and Remus by surprise in a bear hug. "God, I'll so miss you guys...." he sighed with a grin of his own, burying his face in Peter's chocolate brown hair and Remus' dirty blonde.

"We don't have to separate...we're the Marauders, after all." Remus laughed, holding James tightly back.

"That's right!" Peter enthusiastically replied.

"No..." James suddenly pulled away, his face melodramatic. "We're already separating." He pointed a short distance away, where Sirius was surrounded by a group of girls, squeaking and gushing over him and talking of their one or two dates together.

Peter looked miffed. Remus smiled a slight half-smile. It wasn't the Marauders when Sirius wasn't around.

James stalked over to Sirius and dragged him away from the protesting girls, and into their circle.

"We've been waiting for you, Sirius..." James trailed off with a raised eyebrow. Sirius paused, staring back, and then abruptly threw himself at James, tackling him with a hug.

"You saved me! Oh, Jamie!! Marry me!!" he cried in that deepening voice of his. He was grinning like a madman as James struggled for air after having it knocked out of him.

Peter laughed, the werewolf smiled. Some deep part of him kept desperately reminding him that he wanted nothing more than to be in James' place. He hated that jealousy; he hated it for telling the cold truth.

"Lemme go--! Man, we got a future murderer right here!!" James laughed through his coughs. He slid out of Sirius' hold and brushed dirt off his robes.

Sirius smiled almost proudly at Moony and Wormtail. "And my two dear Marauders. Gimme a hug, awwwww..." He wrapped two strong arms around them so tightly they were unable to breathe. "And c'mere, Jamie. Marauder hug!" he laughed, squeezing them all together.

Remus laughed, feeling all his tiredness from the full moon a few nights ago, and all his apprehension of the last day of school melt away into happiness. Something about Sirius' scent and voice did that to him. He closed his eyes, holding Sirius the hardest he could back.

The wonderful moment ended, and he let them go and stretched. "Kinda weird to finally leave this dump behind, huh?" he said absently, but there was sadness in the dog's voice.

"Don't worry. We'll still be together, I know it." Remus said with a reassuring smile, laying a hand on Padfoot's shoulder.

"Yeah, we will. I know it. Ya wanna know why?" Sirius asked with a mischievous grin. The other boys shook their head, all smiling.

"'Cause we're the MARAUDERS!!!" he shouted triumphantly at the top of his lungs, and succeeded in making every one of the studdents turn their heads in confusion. Sirius just grinned coolly at them.

"All for one and one for all, right?" he said with a smile for each one of them, and James held his hand out face down. Sirius put his hand on James', then Remus, then Peter.

"No matter what, we'll be together." Prongs said with an affirmative nod.

"Till the bitter end." Padfoot stated, his face unusually serious. He had meant what he said.

"No matter how hard it gets..." Wormtail was close to tears as he whimpered his soon-to-be broken promise.

"Forever." Moony agreed with a soft smile.

How wrong they were.

And Peter and James boarded the train first, waving goodbye to Sirius. Sirius wouldn't settle for trains anymore. He had his motorcycle.

"Come over my house on Sunday!! We can all get roaring drunk, okay?! You've never seen my new house, have ya, Peter?! It's bloody beautiful, and it's all mine!!" Sirius yelled as an afterthought of bragging to them.

"Goodbye, Sirius." Remus said with a wave, and stepped to board the train as the last minute before departure was almost up.

"Wait." Once again, the safe, strong arms wrapped around him from behind, and he was pulled into an awkward embrace.

Blushing, the werewolf turned his head slightly to Sirius. "What is it...?" he asked softly, not trusting his own voice. Time seemed to slow as Sirius whispered to him softly. The way he used to when they were curled up together on the small bed, sharing their hopes and fears. Their most intimate secrets.

"I'm sorry. You're really grown-up looking now, you know that? More than the rest of us. I'm sorry for not noticing sooner." And the arms wrapped tighter around him, not wanting any words out of Remus.

Remus stayed quiet. He never knew exactly what he meant by those words, but they were for him. Only him. A memory of what he used to have. If only he had asked him what he meant.//

Remus' eyes stayed shut. If only he had treasured them more...how he could have so many friends despite being the pitiful monster that he was. If only Sirius had known what the monster felt for him.

They had never known the meaning of "Forever." Forever had gone by so fast. They had no idea how quickly they would be ripped apart, how quickly Sirius would disappear behind that door and never come out.

And how quickly Remus calmly realized he would never see him again.

"He's not coming back...he's not coming back." the werewolf whispered to himself as he had so plainly stated to Harry. He found it hard to breathe, it felt like vines wrapped around his throat, wanting to take him to wherever Sirius had gone. Would it be so bad if I were to join you?

Sirius had always been there for him, been his everything. Nothing ever happened between them, never would.

The one time they had been so close....it never really ever happened. Did I even have a chance?

//"Thanks for keeping me here, Remus." Sirius' dark eyes sparkled slightly, the same light that had once been so evident in them before Lily and James' death. Nonetheless, it made Remus feel a warm rush of happiness.

"It was nothing. I'm glad you stayed," Remus said softly, smiling slightly. Now that his old friend was in the Order of the Phoenix, it was obvious he would leave. The days he had spent in his small house seemed to go by in a blur, too quickly gone.

Sirius swung a bag of his clothes over his shoulder with his familiar crooked grin. "I wouldn't mind some company myself when I get back to my old house. I'll be lonely in that big of a house with no one to talk to except that bloody portrait and Kreacher. And there is Buckbeak, but he's not good for any conversation." he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

Remus laughed. "Sirius, before you know it, you'll be too crowded to move. If I were you, I would try to enjoy the silence a little..."

Shrugging, Padfoot's smile faded a little into a sincere one. "What I'm just saying is, I'll really miss you. Please come soon, okay? I've lived long enough in silence, so I need the noise." For a long moment, his eyes bore into Remus'. "I've lived long enough without you."

Remus stared in surprise, and slowly a slight mist came to his eyes. "I--" he managed. He forced himself to be coherent. "Thank you...you really have no idea what that means to me. I--" he broke off once again as Sirius roughly embraced him, with none of the playfulness, no happiness that he once could so easily feel in Sirius' arms.

It was possessive and...apprehensive. Afraid to let go.

"You know, when you're nervous, you babble a little," Sirius said with a smile as his head came down, resting on the crook of Remus' neck. "I can't believe I never teased you about that..." Then almost inaudibly, he murmered into Remus' neck, "Maybe I liked it too much to face the risk of you stopping it."

"I--I never noticed.." Moony laughed shakily, and wrapped his arms around Sirius gently. Shivers of something close to pleasure cascaded down his body. His heart raced.

Sirius only gripped him tighter, to the point where Remus had to discreetly get air by taking soft gasps. He didn't care how much it hurt. It was Sirius holding him so tightly, how he had always wanted him to and only felt a few brief times.

"God...look at us. Can we honestly say we thought it would end up like this..." The taller man said quietly, without emotion. "Can we say without lying that we are happy with how everything's turned out." The embrace was to the point of almost crushing the werewolf, but he only hugged him back tighter.

"No...." Remus whispered, his eyes closing as he admitted his displeasure. He couldn't say anything else. Somehow, the answer epitomized every one of his doubts and regrets.

"It's just us now. Are we lucky, or being punished?" the animagus murmered bitterly, clenching his jaw.

Remus swallowed. "I...I don't know..." he answered helplessly. He got a humourless snort in reply.

"Nothing ever works out the way we want it to." Sirius bit out. "Never."

For a long moment the silence stood strong, until Remus found it hard to keep his eyes from welling with tears. To his dismay, his tears dampened Sirius' thin robes. He knew he could feel them.

"God..." Sirius said again, but this time softer. "At least I still have you, Moony. You always were the person to keep me in check. Always there for me...even past the bitter end." he said with a wry grin, that quickly turned into an upset grimace. "I can't stand the thought of losing you."

Something in Remus broke.

A choked sob escaped him, and he tensed to hold back any more from breaking free. "I won't leave." he said as firmly as he could, but it came out small and breathless.

"I know you won't. And I swear I won't leave you alone, either. Nothing is too hard for Padfoot and Moony." he said in a low voice. He sounded so certain....

Unable to do anythng but take uncertain, shaky breaths, the werewolf nodded.

"So come stay with me soon, okay? It'll be just like old times." Sirius said softly. Their was hope in his deep, rich, yet tired voice.

Hope for them.

That everything would be the same.

"Of course..." Remus said softly. Sirius pulled back, smiling a sad half-smile.

"You look kinda cute when you get all emotional," Sirius said softly. "I never noticed that, either. Pity."

Moony laughed, but it came out sounding more like another choked sob.

"I'll see you, then. At my old house."

Another nod from Remus, another smile. "Yes. I'll come really soon. As long as I don't have to do all your grocery shopping like I used to." he laughed, a true laugh. Maybe things would be the same.

"Hey, you freeloader!" Sirius laughed, punching his shoulder in a playful way. The light had come back to his eyes brighter than before.

He picked up his bags and opened the door. "I'll hold you to your word..." he said with a raised eyebrow.

Remus smiled lightly. "You do that," he countered.

Sirius looked at him again with a smile of his own, taking him in. His eyes raked his body intensely, like it was the last time he would see him. "Remus..."

Again he was caught in another embrace, more passionate, filled with longing. Their bodies pressed firmly and fully against eachother's, tight and warm.

Remus forgot how to breathe. Blood rushed to his head. His mouth became dry as pleasure tingled down his spine.

Sirius' hips pressed hard against his, the friction causing him to emit a soft sound, between a moan and a whimper.

"You've always been able to make me feel better. Thank you, Moony." Padfoot murmered, his lips moving against his neck sensually.

"I'm...glad.." Remus trailed off, surprised at how strong his voice was. Pleasure was getting the best of him; he felt his knees weaken slightly and his body react to the strong body pressing against him. Somehow, all his self-consciousness and shame floated away and left nothing but a shivery, hopeful feeling of ecstasy.

His breath caught in his throat as Sirius' head lifted, and his lips came so very close to Remus'. Their eyes met and stayed on eachother, not wanting to look away. His mouth was so close to his. "Goodbye."

And he left--//

Warm lips pressed against Remus'. His ideal ending to the memory.

Long, ebony coloured hair veiled their faces, a strong body covered Remus' as he lied completely still in shock.

He couldn't breathe, his head spun, and his warm grey eyes flew open to meet stormy blue.

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.

Remus' eyes widened, all he could see were the same blue eyes, smiling blue eyes that laughed at him, that lit up when he made a joke, that narrowed as he fought bravely, that still held laughter in them when he fell. Died.

And he was there. Kissing him.

They parted and the werewolf panted softly, still unbelieving at what he saw. "....Siri..." he said softly. "You're...you..." He closed his eyes, opened them again, still finding the same amused face above him.

"Geez, Remmy. You kept your word, I'll keep mine. I told you I wouldn't leave you." he said with a boyish grin, teasing and happy. The same as it used to be.

Remus shook his head weakly. "But...but...you're...how--" He was silenced with another kiss, more demanding than the first. Sirius' tongue slid into his mouth, brushing against his own tongue and savoring his sweet taste. Remus hesitantly responded, not knowing if he was hallucinating. Was this actually happening?

His arms wrapped around Sirius' neck, pleasure dominated his uncertainty. Sirius went deeper into his mouth, drawing a long, soft moan from the man beneath him. The kiss lasted for an eternity, and they parted again.

Tears came back to the werewolf's eyes. "You're....you...." he tried again desperately, unbelieving that something like this could actually happen. He was there. He felt his body, smelled his scent, saw his eyes.

"I swore I won't leave. I love you too much." Sirius said with a smile, and kissed him again.

Not a dream. Not a dream. He came back...for me. And he loves me. He loves....me.

Tears of happiness flowed freely again, and Remus responded back with all his love, yes I need you, I love you, thought I'd be alone. But you're here...you came back to me. For me. Because...you love me.

Sirius' body pressed against his, sending electrical thrills of delight rushing through him, making him hold tighter, not wanting to let go, not wanting it to end. "Ohhh..." he gasped as Sirius' lips trailed kisses down the elegant line of his neck, velvety tongue flicking out to taste him.

His legs spread slightly on impulse, the desire so great he couldn't think anything except Sirius' name. Didn't care what was happening, he'd ask questions later. His grey eyes closed in sweet surrender as the other man's hips pressed firmly against his, rocking slowly, grinding mercilessly. He moaned, a blush staining his pale cheeks. His desire ached, wanting after so long of nothing, of hopes shattered and disappoinment, wanting nothing more than Sirius. Sirius...

"Sirius..." he moaned breathlessly, encouraging his old friend to unbutton his dress shirt, his lips caressing his perfect skin until below the collar of his shirt. Sirius removed his shirt, revealing the messy scars that marred his skin.

He kissed Remus again fervently, and drew another desperate moan from him. His fingers reached up, taking one of the werewolf's hands down from their hold on his neck and tangling his fingers with Remus' long ones.

"You don't know how long I've wanted you," Sirius murmered against the other man's lips with a smile as he nudged the slender legs farther apart, his thigh pressing torturously against him.

Remus gasped sharply, his back arching bonelessly against the animagus. Tears relentlessly came back to his eyes. Felt so good, so right. Another moan, louder than before. His head was swimming now from the pleasure, supressed since the first time they met. He had known...

He had been the one.

"I love you..." Remus gasped, his eyes opening half-lidded. Sirius paused in pulling off his shirt and pants. He was beautiful. He smiled that smile.

"And I love you. Always." he murmered, his eyes soft. His rough hands rested on the svelte form's hips before sliding down his pants.

The werewolf cried out as Sirius pressed his lips against his navel, and brushing against his desire. "Please....please....please......" he whimpered softly. His hips bucked involuntarily, needing more of the firey pleasure.

Sirius smiled, kneeling in front of Remus and pushing his legs up to his chest, his eyes focused directly on his partner's grey ones.

//"We can sleep in my brother's room. Buckbeak's hogging my mother's." Sirius said with a happy grin. Kreacher lurked in the shadows, glaring at Sirius and Remus as they passed. Remus smiled a little, looking around the house as they made their way through the huge, lavishly furnished rooms. Aside from the dustiness and quietness of the house, nothing had changed.

"I'm so glad you came!" Sirius exclaimed for the 4th time. His cheerfulness radiated like heat from a flame.

"I am, too. It's been so long since I've been here..." Remus smiled.

Sirius stopped in front of French doors and bowed with exuberance. "Welcome to my brother's room. Please make yourself at home." Remus raised an amused eyebrow as Sirius opened the doors.

"Thank you..." he said softly, stepping into the vast room. "It's...beautiful." he commented in surprise. Not at all how Sirius' room was. He noted with a small laugh that Sirius was humming a Beatle's song.

A king-sized bed was at the head of the room. Two lacquered tables, expensive chairs, and beautiful large windows that showed the gibbous moon and blinking stars perfectly.

"Yeah, isn't it? Bed's a little soft, though." Sirius shrugged idly. "Tired? I'm bloody exhausted."

Remus laughed as Sirius made a show of spinning and falling onto the floor with his eyes rolled back into his head.

"All right, I understand. Sleep does sound nice." he admitted, immediately after stifling a yawn.

"'Sounds nice'? God, Moony, have you looked in a mirror lately? You look like a walking corpse or something!" Sirius abruptly swept Remus up into his arms, stalking towards the bed.

The werewolf blushed, flattered and embarrassed. "Thanks for the lift.." he said with a weak smile, "but really, I'm not too exhausted, despite how it may look."

Sirius grinned. "Oh, I know. I just enjoy carrying you." Finding satisfaction in the deeper shade of red Remus' usually pale face turned, he set him down on the bed before crawling next to him. "Just think of it as my thank you for you staying with me until everyone else gets here." he said with a smile, and pulled the comforter over the both of them.

Remus couldn't help but smile. "It's nothing. I like...staying with you." he said as an afterthought, and was amazed by his own boldness.

"And I like having you stay with me. It's how it used to be, in a way. Despite all that's happened, when we're together...." Sirius closed his eyes with a smile. "Don't you think, Moony..." his voice faded as he relaxed, slowly falling into sleep's embrace.

"It is, Padfoot. Even with just us." Remus whispered to no one in particular, closing his own eyes and tunring the other way. As long as we're together...

His eyes opened as the bed shifted and he felt Sirius' arm encircle his small waist, protecting and comforting.

If we just stay together...//

"Forever." said Sirius murmered, and entered him.

Remus gasped in pain, and let out a small moan.

Sirius started a slow rythm, growling in his own pleasure as he went far into Remus.

The pain slowly subsided, then suddenly a wave of pleasure crashed on him, carrying him out. Far beyond in pleasure.

Sirius entered him deeply and hard, his body bent over, face buried in his hair.

Remus' line of sight faded to white, and he couldn't tell if he was moaning, screaming.. He didn't care. As long as we're together. He felt Sirius holding his hand as the rythm quickened. Nothing but so much pleasure there was pain.

Sweet torture.

As he came, he heard himself scream Sirius' name. And long seconds later, Sirius' moan of his own name, a sweet declaration of love. I love you.

Remus' eyes closed as he felt Sirius collapse on top of him. What he always wanted... "I wish it could be like this forever..." he whispered, and felt a slight huff of air, the line of a smile against his neck.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Forever.

Remus' eyes opened again. Tears still blurred his vision, his eyes tired, his body tired, so, so tired.

Sirius' scent was faintly on him, his scent, his smile, his beautiful eyes...only a memory. Only a dream.

Forever goes by so fast.

"As long as we're together...it isn't so bad.." he whispered. His eyes closed. As long as you're finally free.

Just breathe.