Author Email: [email protected]
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG
Summary: Sirius falls in love with Remus while his life and the rest of the world seem on the verge of falling apart.
The fight started when Bellatrix came to dinner with her new husband, Rodolphus. When they arrived, the couple sat together on a hard wooden bench waiting for dinner to be served, exchanging glances that turned Sirius�s stomach. He remembered their wedding-Bellatrix in a long red robe, looking regal-and Rodolphus, dark and somber in fine silk-and the thought of that was enough to make him glance away as he entered the drawing room and saw them.
Then he�d heard the snap of the door behind him and knew that his father had effectively locked him into the room. Bellatrix stood and walked towards him, and he accepted her cold kiss with equal indifference. �Hello, Sirius,� she said, her voice like a sliver of glass on his throat. �How is school?�
He refused to let the question cut. �Great,� he said, pulling back his lips into what he hoped was a smile.
Bellatrix smiled back, equally fearsome. �And Gryffindor House?�
Sirius sensed his father�s head spin towards him at the question and he knew the displeasure was there, the anger at the aberration in the Black family. �Fine, great,� he said, maintaining the smile by will power alone.
�Naturally,� Bellatrix replied, and Sirius remembered with a pang the days when his beautiful cousin had captivated him. She was six years older than he, the oldest of his generation, and the possessor of the most forceful personality he�d ever encountered. When they�d been children, he�d hero-worshipped her; the day she�d entered his family home with her Hogwarts letter and a new wand had been the day that he�d first really wanted to attend the school. His own Sorting-and his younger brother�s, a year later-had changed everything, and had left him alone in a family where tradition meant everything. He was the deviant, the mistake, the weak link in the chain, and Regulus became the good son.
They�d been called to dinner, and entered the formal dining room, Bellatrix simpering on Rodolphus�s arm, Sirius sitting between his brother and his mother. He ate his food woodenly, barely tasting the rich ingredients, ignoring the conversation around him by concentrating hard on the thing that made him happiest: his group of three best friends, Remus, Peter, and James. He imagined them as he�d last seen them, sitting in a group on the Hogwarts Express, he watching them as they bickered playfully over a game of Exploding Snap. Somehow he�d missed saying goodbye to them after getting off the train, and he and Regulus had wound up exiting the platform together, probably the closest they�d been all year. Sirius glanced over at his brother and saw him, eating with that inscrutable look of dignity that all Blacks were raised to wear. It suited him well. Sirius turned back to his food, blocking out the conversation around him, and tried to imagine what his friends would be doing in that situation. It was all that had kept his temper in check that summer, and now that it was drawing to a close-he would be on his way to Hogwarts the next morning-he realized that it had been a smart plan. He had adopted Remus�s habit of keeping a book tucked under his arm wherever he went, always ready to settle down in a corner somewhere and read, which had worked out well spending a summer in a gloomy house surrounded by people who didn�t like him and didn�t want to see him. Reading kept him from thinking too much about his situation, about how every year that he remained in Gryffindor House his family grew more distant and cold, and something dark and terrible seemed to be brewing in the wider world.
�Sirius, out.� He jumped, startled from his reverie, and met his father�s icy stare. �You�ve finished your dinner, and we have things to discuss that do not concern you.� Sirius glanced down at his plate and saw that somehow he�d consumed all of the food on it without noticing. Then his father said, �Now,� the word a sharp command, and Sirius stood and stalked away from the table, his head high, ignoring Regulus�s nasty smile and Bellatrix�s sarcastic wave.
He was humiliated and halfway to his room before he realized that he�d left his book under the chair in the dining room. He was almost done, and wanted to finish it before he got on the train in the morning, as Remus had recommended it in one of the many letters they�d owled back and forth to each other that summer. He had been looking forward to discussing it with his friend, just something between the two of them, and he did an about-face on the stairs and marched back down to the dining room, pushing the door open with the palm of his hand. He stepped inside just in time to hear Bellatrix say, �The Dark Creatures shouldn�t be exterminated, as many within the Ministry propose.�
�I agree,� he said, surprising himself and everyone at the table. He stooped over and picked up the book, thinking that he should probably beat a hasty retreat after that outburst.
�And what do you propose we do with them?� his father asked, his voice a mask of calm.
Sirius looked up, already halfway out the door. �We should give them rights, just like humans,� he replied, matter-of-factly.
Rodolphus laughed and shook his head. �Brilliant. What a cunning idea.� There was no mirth in his voice.
Sirius turned to go, knowing that the situation was about to turn ugly, but his mother�s harsh voice cut across his thoughts. �Of course, Sirius, we should allow creatures like that to live normal lives, pretending they were human in some sort of elaborate and pointless farce.� Rodolphus laughed again, and Sirius twisted around, irritation rising within him like a tide of blood.
�What�s wrong with that?� he asked, trying to keep his voice level.
Suddenly the entire house seemed silent, except for the blood Sirius could hear in his ears, thrumming angrily with his heartbeat. Then his father said, �They�re not human, Sirius. Perhaps you forget that in Gryffindor, but they are nothing like us.� Sirius thought of Remus, sitting in the grass beside the lake, smiling from behind a book. �If they are to be anything, then they will be the tools of proud Pureblood wizards, to be used against--�
Sirius exploded. �Tools? Of proud Purebloods?� He spat out the last word as if it were a worm within an apple.
Bellatrix leaned back in her chair and regarded him, a strange look of triumph on her face. Sirius remembered once thinking that his cousin was the most beautiful woman he�d ever met, but now he couldn�t understand how he�d been so delusional. Underneath her porcelain skin and long black eyelashes there lurked a creature uglier than a hag. �Sirius,� she said, her voice a fingernail snagging on silk, �don�t you think that a Dark Creature would make a delightful weapon? Think of it, a vampire or a werewolf, that you could send out to harm your enemies. The best part of the plan is, of course, that they are self-propagating-one bite at the right time from either, and you have just created another weapon.�
Sirius slammed the book down on the table so hard that Regulus� goblet of wine tipped over and shattered. �Werewolves and vampires are just humans unfortunate enough to have been bitten. They have a disease. They weren�t meant to be your little playthings.� He snapped out each word, feeling them move past his teeth with the force of a cracking whip.
�Out,� his father said, standing and pointing toward the door. �Clearly you have learned nothing in your five years at school, and you have forgotten all the values that we have taught you in this house.�
Sirius knew better than to challenge his father-he remembered enough punishments, physical and psychological-but he also remembered Remus sitting on his bed, hunched over as Sirius told him that he knew his secret-and he turned on his heel and stalked from the room, clutching his book. As he slammed the dining room door, he heard Bellatrix say, �You have to watch out for him. He�s rash, not stupid,� and he felt a surge of pride. Then he saw Remus�s face again, swimming in front of his vision as he walked heavily up the winding stairs to his dark room. That day, when he�d confronted Remus with that book, Darkest Creatures of the World, when he�d held up the picture of the snarling wolf and asked if that was what he looked like once a month, had been one of the worst days of his life. He had had no idea how his friend would react-recoiling into a corner, holding onto the bedpost, speaking in a dead voice as he described being bitten as a child. Then he�d slid off the bed and reached for his messy stack of books, ready to push them off the cabinet and into his trunk, ready to accept defeat and go home to spend the rest of his life in a cage, and Sirius had caught his hand and promised to defend his secret and their friendship at any cost. Remus had flinched at the sudden touch, but the weak smile he�d offered in return was enough to comfort Sirius through the rest of that day, and the next day, when they�d told Peter and James.
Now Sirius lay in the bed, feeling wretched and exhausted but unable to sleep. He was returning to Hogwarts in less than twelve hours-he grabbed at the edges of the blanket and squeezed, hoping he wasn�t trapped in a dream too good to be true-and then he would have an entire term away from whatever evils the rest of the Blacks were discussing downstairs. He kept his face buried and tried to imagine the train ride, remembering that he still needed to finish the book so he and Remus could have their discussion. He reached out for it and froze, realizing that he couldn�t escape what his family was talking about, because of his friend. His fingers rested lightly on the book, trailing across the soft leather of the spine, and he banished the images of their envisioned world from his mind. Within himself he found a reserve of strength that said he would never let them touch Remus, even if he had to die to defend him. He gathered up the book and propped himself up, reading it through blurry eyes until he fell asleep, lying across the pages.
In the morning, his brother woke him with a yell, and he pushed himself up and away from the wet spot where he�d drooled on the pages, frowning in confusion. His head felt like it had been pummeled with a blunt object, and he rubbed at his temples as he guided his trunk downstairs with his wand. Standing at the front door, he bid goodbye to the long summer without a second thought. Then he walked out, past his mother�s beloved and extremely accurate portrait, and entered the early morning sunshine.
Standing on the platform, he caught a glimpse of Remus through the clouds of steam rising from the red engine, and he had to take a deep breath and sit down on his trunk. Even then, holding onto the gilded edge, twisting his finger around and around the lock, he wasn�t sure that he could stand for the revelation. Remus stood with Peter and James, holding a book in one hand, a faint smile toying with his lips as the three of them talked animatedly. When Remus looked over and saw Sirius, the smile transformed into a grin, and Sirius knew something about himself he�d never known before.
�Sirius!� He was surrounded by his three best friends, who pried him off the trunk, shaking his hand and hugging him. Remus�s hug sent shivers through his body, and he pulled back and attempted to look dignified, sensing his brother�s stare across the station.
�Gentlemen,� James said, grinning so widely that his glasses were pushed up by his red cheeks, �welcome to our sixth year of mischief and mayhem.�
�I declare the games open,� Remus intoned solemnly, but his eyes flashed as they met Sirius�s-or so Sirius thought, and his stomach lurched.
�Spectacular,� Peter said, looking at the three of them with uncontainable glee. �This year is going to be our best ever.�
Sirius tried to say something witty-or at least appropriate-but he was still recovering from seeing Remus for the first time in three months, and he could barely stand upright due to the force with which his heart beat. He opened his mouth but managed nothing more than, �I can�t wait,� before he felt his stomach lurch.
James and Peter grabbed his trunk and dragged it onto the train. Remus gave him a concerned look and said, �Are you all right? You�re pale.�
Sirius managed to nod and shake his head at the same time. �I don�t feel very good,� he admitted, and Remus slung his arm over his shoulder, and Sirius thought, I lied, I feel like I�m flying.
Only later, when he was sitting with Remus�s arm still draped around him on the train, watching the lush countryside streaking past the window, did he catch his breath long enough to think What the hell is wrong with me? Then Remus drew away from him and leaned forward to engage James in conversation, and Sirius felt the loss of his touch immensely. What the hell? He thought again, his elation sinking away as he regarded his friend. Remus� golden brown hair hung past his ears, shaggy, and Sirius thought of the wolf. In the past three months, Remus had changed completely, passing from the awkwardness of adolescence into a handsome, almost-adult. Sirius wondered why his other friends didn�t notice the change, but they seemed oblivious. He returned to staring determinedly out the window, trying to piece together his consciousness so that he could figure out just what it was about Remus that made him want to-Sirius winced inwardly, forbidden thoughts rising in his mind-hold his hands and kiss his lips. It�s just Remus, you�ve known him forever, now calm the fuck down, he snapped at himself. You�re sixteen, and naturally your hormones are raging around, locking onto anything attractive that might happen along, boy or girl.
�Sirius, you�re a bit too quiet for my taste,� James said, punching his friend on the knee.
�Bastard,� Sirius replied mildly, punching back and trying for a haughty smile. �Maybe I�ve just grown up a bit, Jamie.�
�Don�t call me that!� James yelled, throwing his hands in the air. �Between you and my parents, I�ll never move past the age of eleven!�
�I wouldn�t blame anyone but yourself for that,� Remus said, eyes shining. Sirius chanced another direct look at him and remembered that it was still a week until the full moon. During the school year, he was acutely aware of the phases of the lunar calendar, but he had fallen out of practice during the summer holidays, living in a house with very few windows and not being able to transform into his Animagus form and run with his friends under the full moon�s pale light. So far, they had only spent five full moons all together, but Sirius knew that their animal forms had helped Remus immensely. He saw that his friend�s eyes didn�t have their usual shadowed look, and pride swelled within him, as he thought, We did that, we made him happy. Now he doesn�t have to fight himself every time, or be confined in the Shrieking Shack.
�Listen, guys,� Peter said, leaning forward in his seat. �I hear the lunch trolley!�
This announcement led to a scuffle to the door between James and Peter, while Remus leaned back in his seat and looked around the cabin.
�I missed riding with you last year,� he said thoughtfully, glancing at Sirius.
�Even though you were a perfect-I mean prefect?� Sirius asked teasingly.
Remus grinned and nodded. �Even though. The others were all so stuffy and well-mannered.� He raised his eyes to their two other friends, who were now in negotiations to buy half the trolley. �Terribly boring compared to this.�
Sirius reached into his robes and pulled out Heart of Darkness, the book he�d been reading. �This was really interesting, Remus. I really enjoyed it.�
Remus took it into his hands, turning it over to read the cover and then smiling. �It�s my favorite book. You read it?�
�I read most of the books you recommended.� Sirius paused, suddenly embarrassed. �I didn�t have much to do this summer,� he added defensively.
�The homework was a bit of a joke,� Remus agreed. �I suppose they weren�t able to give us much without knowing our O.W.L.s.� He paused, running his fingers over the leather cover and then said, �How did you do?�
Sirius remembered the letter, which he had intercepted before it could reach his parents. He didn�t want them to know anything about how he did at school, least of all his top scores. They might have begun to like him again, and he couldn�t stand the thought of having to lose their affection all over again. �I did well,� he admitted, praying that Remus-who he secretly thought to be much smarter than himself-had also done well.
�Good,� Remus said. �Then we�ll be in all the classes we signed up for together.�
�And we might just get top Ministry jobs,� Sirius added, putting on the booming voice that their Potions master used whenever he gave a lecture on the importance of high test scores.
Remus laughed. �You might,� he said, turning away to look out the window again. Sirius winced at his carelessness-he should have known not to say that, not after Remus had confided in him that he would never be hirable so long as the discriminatory laws against werewolves remained in effect-and reached out to awkwardly pat his friend�s shoulder.
�I�ll probably get expelled long before that,� he said, trying for a playful voice. Remus turned around to meet his eyes just as James and Peter reappeared in their line of vision, arms bursting with brightly colored food wrappers.
�Lunch is on me,� Peter said. �For all your help last year.�
Sirius took a sandwich from the pile and said, �It was nothing, Pete, thanks.�
Remus took one as well, frowning. �I should be the one thanking you.�
�Don�t get all mushy, Moony,� James cautioned. �If you start crying again, I�ll have to stab with you my antlers.�
Remus smiled, and Sirius saw the gleam return to his eyes. None of them had ever seen him cry, no matter the pain or the circumstances, and everyone else�s insistence-Remus�s parents, Madam Pomfrey, and several of their professors-that he was a delicate creature had become a running joke. �Oh Jamie, stop hurting my feelings,� he said, grabbing Sirius�s cloak and burying his face in it, making hideous fake sobbing noises.
�Now you�ve got him started,� Sirius groaned, faking annoyance. His heart had started pounding again at Remus�s close proximity, at the way his long fingers were digging into Sirius�s collarbone. �Dear, breakable Remy must be treated with only the tenderest, most lovingest--�
He got a punch in the stomach before he could finish. Peter threw empty chocolate frog wrappers at him and James added a well-placed kick to the shins, grinning broadly. As Sirius landed on the floor, laughing and trying to avoid the playful fighting, he thought to himself, I have the three best friends in the entire world. He shoved his strange new attraction to Remus into the back of his mind and allowed himself to exist without any serious thoughts for a few more blessed hours.
The Sorting ceremony went by quickly, and Sirius was glad for that, because just the sight of the ragged Hat brought back memories of the day he fell from grace and into the outstretched arms of the Gryffindors. Nothing had been more painful for him than his first few weeks at Hogwarts, not receiving any letters from his family after his Sorting and not yet knowing the other boys in his House. They shared a dormitory, of course, and James and Peter had bonded on their first night there by trading the cards from Chocolate Frogs for two hours. Remus had perched on the edge of his bed, watching the two of them with his eyes wide, as if he�d never seen any other boys his age before, but they�d quickly drawn him into their circle, so that within the week they were best friends. Sirius, meanwhile, was terrified of the repercussions of his Sorting, far away from everyone he�d ever known. The children he�d grown up around mocked him every time they walked down the hall with their green and silver ties and scarves, and he�d spent every night barricaded in his bed behind a wall of pillows. He�d lie on his back, eyes shut tight, imagining away the world outside his soft walls. Then, over a month into the school year, Remus had leapt straight over the pillows and onto his bed, shocking him out of his dreams and into reality.
�So, you�re Sirius Black then?� he�d asked, looking slightly tentative now that they were face to face.
Sirius had sat up so fast that he�d banged his head against the stone wall. �Shite, ow,� was the first thing he said, and Remus leaned forward, an apology on his lips, and rubbed his hand over the injured spot.
�Didn�t mean to startle you,� he�d said, and his eyes were wide again, and terribly solemn.
Sirius had wanted badly to be cruel to this boy, had wanted badly to be left alone, but the look in those eyes kept him silent. He had sensed that Remus needed to be liked, and that he had never had many friends in his life, and Sirius had thought, It seems that I haven�t either. �It�s ok. And yeah, I�m Sirius Black.�
�You didn�t expect to wind up here, did you?� Still the solemn stare.
Sirius ducked his head. �I thought I would be in Slytherin. All my family was.� He remembered feeling very vulnerable before Remus�s eyes, and he hadn�t known if it was a good thing or not.
�Well you�re here now,� another voice said, and then James was on the bed too.
�You might as well be our friend,� Peter added, pulling all of Sirius�s pillows onto the floor and lying crossways on the bed.
Now, in his sixth year, Sirius smiled at the memory. In one simple moment he�d lost his family, but he�d gained these three amazing friends, and every day assured him that he was better off for it. Sirius turned to look at Remus and saw him staring off into the distance. He followed his gaze, straight to where Regulus sat at the Slytherin table, and felt the familiar spike of regret as he watched his brother, but it left him just as quickly when Remus turned back and gave him a warm smile
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