
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells
the man, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because
I love you so much.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television,
and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, I bought these
gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles
her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She
says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because
I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Next one:

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. What can I get
you? the bartender inquires. I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,
responded the young man. 6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?
Yeah, my first blowjob. Well, in that case, let me give you
a 7th on the house. No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get
rid of the taste, nothing will.

Keep them coming...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong,
Bill? she asked. 

Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer? 

Oh, Bill, you didn't. Yes, I did. My God,
Bill, what happened? I got fired. No, Bill. I mean,
what happened with the pickle slicer? Oh...she got fired too.


Q: What is the difference between 365 used condoms and a car tyre?

A: One is a 'Good Year' and the other is a 'Very Good Year'. 

Previous Joke of the Week

<CENTER>Three worst Chinese torture tests A man is out in the Chinese
wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since
he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced
to sleeping in caves and under trees. 

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.


He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says What do you
want? 

The man says I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't
had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if
I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight 

The old Chinese man says I'll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my granddaughter 

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying I promise
I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning


The old Chinese man counters Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll
give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.


Ok, Ok the man said as he entered the old house. Besides,
he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness
all her life? 

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal. 

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite
a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to
his room later that night thinking to himself, Any three torture
tests would be worth it after that experience. 

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock
was a sign saying 1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest.


What a lame torture test the man thought to himself as he
got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the
rock out. 

On the backside of the rock is another sign saying 2nd worst Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle. 

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps
out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying


3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost.

******
***The Top 14 Ways to Cope With Stress ***
14. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in
jail.
13. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
12. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back
to you.
11. Polish your car with ear wax.
10. Drive to work in reverse.
9. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
8. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and drop them from high places.
7. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
4. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
2. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.


Previous Joke of the Week

Q: Why has an elephant got four feet? 

A: Because six inches would just look stupid. 

Bernard L'Allier
******
This bloke phones his office in the morning and says to his boss, 
boss, i'm not coming in today, I'm sick. His boss says, 
exactly how sick are ya? The guy replies, 
well, i'm in bed with my sister !!

 Mike Collins &lt101753.1541@Compuserve.com&gt 
******
One day a bartender put up a sign on his door that read if you can
make my horse laugh ill give you a free beer. So a guy walked in
and said  i'd like to try, and the bartender showed him to
the horses stall out back and let him in. The bartender went back to the
bar and waited, and the man came back and said  he's laughing, where's
my beer? The bartender was suprised and went back to check and sure
enough the horse was laughing, so he gave the man a free beer. The bartender
asked  how did you do that? and the man said its my secret''
and left. The next day the Bartender saw that his hose was laughing non-
stop and it was beginning to irritate him. Frustrated by this he put up
a sign saying  if you can make the horse cry ill give you 2 free
beers. The same man walked in and said  i'd like to try
and the bartender showed him to the horse stall again and went back to
the bar to wait. The man came back and sure enough he said  the horse
is crying, now, give me my free beers. The bartender was suprised
once again and went back to the stall to check, and sure enough the horse
was crying. The bartender asked the man again,  how in the world
did you do that, will you please tell me. The man said  ok,
ok, ill tell you . 

First I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and the second
time i showed it to him.

 Emily Bowman 

Previous Joke of the Week

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major
big shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down
to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.


Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails,
he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself
Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me.
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and
the beautiful woman was standing right over him. 

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were
at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!
My wife's dinner party! He gathered all his clothes, put them on
real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach
all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He
was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped
the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs. 

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling
all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and
yelled: Come on guys, we're almost there! 

Submitted by <A HREF="mailto:martynarnold@newnet.co.uk">Martyn</A> 

Previous Joke of the Week


Previous Joke of the Week

God made Adam and saw that he was good, and Adam saw that he was good.
However Adam was getting quite lonely and upon seeing this God said to
him, I can make you a partner.

 Adam became excited. A Partner?

 Yes, God began. She will be beautiful at all times
and clean and cook and wash. She will love you with all of her heart. She
will always be there for you, She will be like your personal slave.

 Adam smiled. oh God, I want one.

 God replied, You can have one but it will be expensive.
Adam didn't care.

 It will cost an arm, a leg, and a shoulder.

 Adam thought about it for a while and asked, What can I get for
a rib?

Submitted by Alan Kindle. 

Previous Joke of the Week

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready
for some R&ampR. So Friday afternoon he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman
to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him
down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As
he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder
Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

Hey, he thinks, I'm Superman and I don't need those
two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed
of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened.


So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away
at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, What the hell was that?

The Invisible Man says, I don't know but it hurt like hell

 

Previous Joke of the Week

A Panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While he's downing
his pint he looks across and sees this fine woman and the end of the bar
so he pulls up a stool next to her. He chats her up and the next thing
he knows they are getting on like a house on fire.

 Then the panda says: God, I could do with a bite to eat,
and in reply the woman asks him round to his place for a meal, and being
the randy Panda that he is, he readily accepts.

 Back at her place after a fulfilling meal, one thing leads to another
and the Panda ends up having sex with the woman. 

In the morning as the Panda is about to leave, the woman says to him,
Hey wait a sec, I'm a prostitute. Seeing the baffled expression
on the Panda's face she tells him to look it up in the dictionary.

 So the Panda looks up 'Prostitute' and the definition says: Takes
money for sex.

 After reading this the Panda relaxes and says Thats alright because
I'm a Panda, the woman confused at the relevance, looks up Panda
in the dictionary and reads the definition:

 Eats shoots and leaves.

 



