Title: Inevitable
Author: Frumpy
Rating: T
Spoilers: Anything already aired is fair game. Mention of Snakes and ND. Sort of.
Disclaimer: I still don't own CSI, but I just got a nifty new pan.

A/N: Eeeeee for all the lovely reviews. Thanks so much.
The talk, it's coming, soon.

 

Chapter 10:

Grissom gripped the phone tightly. He'd heard Sara's intake of breath and wasn't sure how to proceed. "I... I just called to tell you DNA gave me the results from the Edwards case."

"Okay."

Her tone was neutral, only adding to his apprehension. Stick to work, that was safe. "Greg worked it himself. Samples from the little girl and the ones you collected are a match." Grissom looked at the printout before him again, as if it were an absolution of sorts of his actions. It was just a piece of paper, though.

"Good. He got what he deserved then."

He heard the relief in Sara's tone, though they both hadn't needed a DNA match to know. Her seemingly easy acceptance of the fact that Edwards had been killed by him startled Grissom somewhat.

"Is that why you called?"

"Yes. No." Grissom closed his eyes in annoyance. "Yes, I wanted you to know, but... I... we need to talk."

"Yeah."

She was silent for a while and Grissom hated the fact that he couldn't see her to gauge her reactions. He had never liked talking things through on the phone. Growing up with a deaf mother had taught him to read facial expressions and gestures early on. People tended to concentrate on the spoken word too much, by that not being conscious of how much they were saying besides that. They often didn't have the same kind of awareness of little telltale signs in their facial expressions or body posture. Grissom used that ruthlessly in interrogations. Talking over the phone made him uneasy though, as he had never been good with words when it came to things outside of work.

"Sara," he thought about his next move. "Can I come over after shift? I'd prefer to..."

"Yes, me too." She latched onto his line of thinking right away. "I'm home. Just come over when you're done."

"Okay."

She hung up without any of the usual pleasentries that marked the end of a conversation. But then this conversation was far from over.

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Sara had finally settled down. Grissom's call had surprised her. He was hardly the person to make a bold move like that, but then the last few days had been full of surprises. Maybe she should just get used to that.

The fact that he wanted to talk had made her nervous. It meant she'd have to face the guilt she felt and face the disappointment of the person her carelessness had affected. Sara tried to distract herself by cleaning up her living room, but of course there wasn't any cleaning up needed. She didn't accomplish much except shuffling one stack of magazines from one end of the table to the next. After eying that stack for some time, she just gave up and settled in, waiting.

There had been a time when she would have embraced the fact that Grissom wanted to talk openly. Though Grissom initiating a talk outside of work was like a sure sign of impending apocalypse. It had surprised her when he came over after she had been suspended by Ecklie, but there was so much more weighing her down right now. She wanted some answers though, and Sara wasn't ready to let him talk himself out of giving them this time.

She realized with a start that she had been fully ready to leave the lab and Las Vegas behind had she been fired, and for some strange reason that realization gave her strength. A clean break and a new start had seemed like a good idea at that point. Maybe that could still be achieved even without leaving. God knew she was tired of the current status quo. No, it wasn't about leaving Vegas and everything tied to it behind. She'd still carry her personal baggage with her wherever she went. But ever since she had admitted to Grissom that he had been the main reason for her to come to Vegas, it had felt like a burden had been lifted off her. Like a cleansing of the soul almost.

In hindsight, Sara saw that her move that day wasn't solely for the purpose of trying to move on. She had wanted to put the ball in his court. But that also implied that he should rise to that challenge and that she still hoped he would.

But maybe putting everything that was burdening her out in the open would have a similar effect of not having to carry it on her soul anymore. Over the past few days, Sara had done a lot of soul searching. Painful at times, but it had helped her set her priorities straight. At the point she was at now, it really was up to Grissom if there was ever to be anything more than a friendship. But she realized she had to make a clean break between work and personal life once and for all, and this might prove to be the moment to do it. She just hoped Grissom would still be able to consider her a friend after everything.

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The shift was winding down and Grissom was signing off the reports and requests that came trickling in. A night at the lab had allowed for him to catch up with some of the paperwork and keep himself occupied. Strangely enough, except for a certain tension and Catherine avoiding him and vice versa, things did seem to be back to almost normal. As if the months with the team being split never really happened.

As the shift was coming to an end, Grissom was growing nervous though. For once, he was apprehensive about talking to Sara. Scratch apprehensive. He was shit scared. He had never been good at admitting things like that to himself, but with everything that was at stake, he wanted to be as honest as possible with himself and her. He knew there would be no way this talk wouldn't stray into the personal, but just the fact that he had labeled it as "the talk" in is mind was enough to make him want to crawl into a corner and stay there for a good few days. But he had avoided it for too long. He just wasn't sure how much he was able to admit yet. To Sara. And to himself.

And there were his own demons he had yet to battle. Grissom knew he was just buying himself some time by staying in the lab. He couldn't postpone going out into the field indefinitely. But the guilt over having killed someone was still raw and he knew it would catch up with him at a crime scene. Things definitely weren't back to normal in that regard.

For Grissom, things had always been rather black and white. They had to be to a certain degree in order for him to do his job easily and objectively. It came naturally to him as a scientist, but it was also a form of self-protection. The strict line he drew between himself and the criminals he hunted had always been one of his foundations. There were times when he had realized he could understand the criminal mind uncomfortably well. In his heart, Grissom knew there was no such line that split the perpetrators from himself, but he still found comfort in deluding himself into that false sense of security.

Grissom had never been a violent man, but after recent events he realized he had all the elements for violence in him. He'd always known, of course, but in an abstract kind of way. Shooting Edwards was forcing him to openly acknowledge that fact and Grissom had never been good at dealing with feelings outside of the safety of the confines he set for himself.

And he was scared that this side of him would be painfully obvious to Sara now. Irrationally, the image of her turning away from him in his dream still haunted him and Grissom wasn't sure he could stand that kind of open rejection.

TBC.