| 2/28/02 (Thursday) 5:16PM Mood: Somber.. tears in my eyes so, i had a really good day today.. got paid to sit through some boring ass meeting that i learned absolutely nothing from.. got out an hour earlier than expected.. the hard part? it was in burlington county.. i was only about 10 miles from him - my ex - the love of my life.. let me explain.. i dated him for about 8 months - as many of you might have been able to tell through some of the journals.. he was away a lot, with the military.. and i hung in there.. but when he got home, things were completely different.. he wasn't the same.. and perhaps even i wasn't the same.. and god knows things between us definitely weren't the same.. and it was a struggle.. i tried with my everything to right what had gone horribly wrong.. i failed.. and so on 2/24/02 i walked away.. i hadn't let anyone around me know how unhappy i was.. how unappreciated i felt.. how unimportant i felt.. how insignificant i felt.. i kinda kept it all bottled up inside of me, deep in the abyss of my soul.. maybe i shouldn't have.. but i did.. after months of begging with him and pleading with him and trying to make him understand how i felt, i finally gave up.. what was the icing on my cake? well.. he returned home from a TDY on a Thursday - 2/21/02.. he was gone for nearly a month.. he called me once and in that call told me he'd see me as soon as he got home.. when he got home, no calls.. no emails.. he barely even spoke to me on messenger.. i asked him when he was coming to see me and told hime repeatedly how much i missed him.. he just continued with his "i dont knows.." by Saturday night/evening i was so upset.. all i wanted was to see the man i loved after he'd been gone for nearly a month.. and yet i didn't seem to be important enough to be on his agenda.. now, if i had been gone for a month, he would've been the 1st thing to do (see) on my list.. you'd have been lucky if i even made it home and not straight to his house.. but again, that's just me.. so i wrote him this email.. heh.. and he showed up at my house on 2/24/02 with my stuff in a plastic bag and was gonna just leave it on my door and not even say goodbye.. how cowardice is that? i chased after him and he came in.. acting like a tough guy.. standing around trying to make a big tough guy presence.. suffice it to say, that after some conversation and after some poking and proding, i got some REAL emotion out of him.. and eventually, a few tears.. which meant more to me that i could ever let you or he know.. it was so nice to see him not like a brick wall.. not like an ice sculpture.. but more as i always knew him.. emotional, sensitive and caring.. but that was someone i hadn't seen in months.. i cried, myself.. when it came to him, i was certainly never as tough as i acted.. and everyone around me knew that.. and eventually.. several hugs and tears from both of us, he left.. my tears fell a lot more after that.. but then time passed, and i was okay.. i felt like i had made the right decision.. and i teeter tottered back and forth for a bit.. and when i asked him if i did the right thing he simply said "i dont know" (GOD IM STARTING TO HATE THAT PHRASE!).. but we agreed to give it some time and see what happened.. tick.. tock.. tick.. tock.. it's 2/28/02.. i havent talked to him since that night.. and i've been very okay.. i've been spending time with certain people.. and doing a lot of stuff to keep me busy.. but i kind of had a break, just a little while ago.. my precious Zoe (my cat, my baby) - whom he also loved and pampered - was sitting at the door when i walked in from work (as she always does when she hears me coming).. and she started meowing so i bent down and pet her.. she walked away, and i heard her continue meowing.. now let me tell you.. as odd as this seems.. Zoe hasn't been herself since he left.. she's been sick to her stomach several times.. and just lays around a lot.. i didnt think a cat would sense these kinda of things.. but i think perhaps, she does.. anyway.. i continued into my bedroom where she was meowing.. and there she was, layin on the floor, with the christmas bear that we got him.. she had dragged the bear out from under the bed, where i had it so cleverly hidden and out of my eye sight so as not to upset me.. and she just sat next to this big bear and meowed and rubbed against the bear.. sell that was an instant tear jerker.. she looked so sad.. sigh.. and i picked her up and i held on to her and i told her i understood.. i told her that i missed him too.. and i apologized to her because i felt like i had sent her "daddy" away.. and it made me feel so incredibly shitty.. she laid her head on my shoulder and again, softly meowed.. and i just held her tighter and told her it was okay to be sad.. and reminded her that i loved her.. then i log on.. and i see his status message.. "love and darkness and my sidearm".. well, i have a poem entitled love and darkness.. which just struck a cord in me.. and im positive he had no idea of that.. nor that his status had an reflect on me.. but i sat here for a moment and started thinking about him.. wondering if he's okay.. i know he would tell me that he was, even if he wasn't.. i wonder if he isses me.. us.. the little family we'd built.. i wonder if he's thought of us at all.. i wonder if this is as hard for him as it is for me.. or if he's just moved on.. and a million other question swirl through my mind.. i feel guilty.. i feel sad.. i feel empty.. i feel lost.. and at the same time, i feel happy.. could one be any more confused? i met a really great guy, recently.. since all of this happened.. and we met by talking about my ex, actually.. and he's been my side every day since then.. and a part of my feels guilty for that.. because i dont know if i'm leading him on and just keeping him here because he makes me forget and anything that makes me forget my pain right now, i seem to latch on to.. because my good God up in heaven, i hurt.. a lot.. or i dont know if i feel guilty because i actually like this guy.. but i still love my ex.. quite a little inner struggle i have going on there.. and when Zoe brought out the bear.. forget it.. guilt flooded my existance instantaneously.. i'm sad because i miss him.. because he was my best friend.. because i used to run to him with anything and everything.. the good, the bad, the happy, the sad.. everything.. i feel empty because as much time as i spent without him, i don't know what to do WITH OUT him.. think about that statement for a moment, it'll make sense.. and i need not say anymore.. and i feel lost.. because he was the path to my future.. and the road of my current living.. everything i did or thought of doing included him.. and now i've been thrown off of that path and on to a new one.. and i am so lost, it physically hurts sometimes.. and i am happy.. because i do still believe i made the right choice, at that time.. however, i do find myself wondering if perhaps i couldn't have taken a little more.. had a little more patience.. tried a little harder.. was there something more i could've done or should've done? and i try to remind myself that coulda,shoulda,woulda are major no-no's.. but my mind still wanders upon those questions.. i couldn't even bring myself to watch Dawson's Creek lastnight.. because it was kind of like "our" show.. so as i sit here.. all alone.. with tears dried on my flushed cheeks.. i am still a whirlwind of emotions.. but i am proud of myself.. for doing what i felt was right at the time.. and for maintaining myself as well as i have.. i haven't had any breakdowns, or self mutiliation or even thoughts of harming myself.. and that, my friends, makes me incredibly happy.. i think i've come a long way.. i just wish he was still on that path with me.. i think this has probably been the most jumbled of all of my journal entries.. but i'm sure if you've read this far, you've kept up well.. and if you're anything like me, then i know in some sick, twisted, demented kinda way.. this all made sense.. and it brought a tear to your eye as well.. 5:45PM - The End |