** Before you read the following I wanted to
make a small note.. This is an actual letter that I wrote to a very dear friend
of mine who lives in England.. I was having a rough night last night with my
self esteem and self worth, and he sat and talked to me and listened to me,
every thing I needed to vent, he swallowed for me.. But as much as he
swallowed, he spit just as much back at me.. He reminded me that I need to let
go of the past and learn to live for my present and my future.. That I need to
bust the negative self loathing image I hold of myself, and replace it with
more positive energy.. He reminded me that I am not the smiling beauty he once
knew, not so long ago.. and more than that, he let me know, without directly
saying it, that he missed her, and wanted her back.. And he reminded me that
although he may be an ocean away, he is still someone that adores me and cares
for me, and that he constantly wishes he could be here to hold me close and
remind me that it will all be okay..
What he doesn’t realize is that he does all
of that for me.. some times I get frustrated that he IS an ocean away.. and I
get angry that fate introduced me to such an incredible person, and get keeps
him an ocean away from me.. but I am trying to realize that people can
have an impact on us, and our lives, without actually being present.. and to
many of you, that may not make sense right now.. but someday, it will..
hey sweetie..
after
our talk last night, i had a long drive to work as it was raining.. and then
when i got there, there was someone else on the schedule to work the same shift
as me.. so i let her stay, and i drove the same long drive back home..
and i
thought about everything that we had discussed.. and a lot of other things
about my past milled through my already aching mind and heart.. but i pushed
myself to continue thinking about everything.. because i am the queen of
running when things start to hurt me or things get too tough.. thus i've moved
like 8 times in the last 2 years..
i came
home last night.. and i looked at myself in my full length mirror.. and i stood
there and i stared, for a good 15 minutes.. and i realized something.. when i
look into a mirror i see a distorted self image.. but if i am no where near a
mirror, i have complete self confidence (not esteem, mind you, those are
different things).. but i walk around with my head held high.. i think that’s
one of the reasons i attract so much attention.. because people know that i am
a very independent and head strong woman..
as much as men hate to admit it.. that is a turn on.. a woman with
confidence..
so i
walked away from the mirror for a moment.. and i stopped and thought about how
i see myself when i am not looking into a mirror.. and i drew 2 pictures in my
mind.. what i see in the mirror.. and what i see when i think about what i look
like to others..
well..
when i thought about the mirror.. i saw a fat, ugly, unworthy of being loved or
cared for young woman.. every thing i was told that i was when i was younger..
I didn't see an ounce of beauty in anything..
when i
thought about what i THINK i look like when there is no mirror around.. i see a
beautiful, very caring, loving, devoted, chunky (but eye catching and happy
with that) young woman.. i realized that i love all the curves i have.. i
constantly get told I'm not fat.. by everyone.. i know I’m chunky, always have
been, always will be, and i love that.. i think it's cute..
and it
amazed me that i have 2 completely different self images.. so, i stayed away
from my mirror.. and i went to bed.. and i slept from about 1am til about
10am.. and i got up and played with the animals a bit and did some little
things around the house.. and then i got in the shower.. and when i got out of
the shower, i did my hair and my make up like always.. and i put on my little
nighty <because I’m lazy and don’t feel like getting dressed> and i
walked back in front of the mirror.. and i took a deep breath before i looked..
and
this is what i saw Ian.. for the first time in my life...............
http://www.geocities.com/sipofene/jen12901.jpg
