The question that people ask most often.. how do you feel about love.. the question everyone always wants an answer to.. what does love mean to you?  Well.. here is my best answer to question.. I think this is a question that has an ever changing answer with me.. depending on my mood, my frame of my mind, and whats goin on around me at the time.. so here is your answer.. for today, June 17, 2001…..

 

love is lots of things for me.. but if I did word association right now.. it would look like this:

 

 love – sadness

 

it seems like every time you get used to having someone around.. sooner or later, they go away.. and they ALWAYS.. without fail.. take a little piece of your heart with them.. so how many pieces can be missing before you get tired of playing that game?  Now see, usually, I’m the one that tells everyone when ya get knocked down, ya gotta get up, brush yourself off and get right back in the game.. don’t let one bad experience get you down.. not everyone is out to hurt you, and not everyone is going to chew you up and spit you back out.. i’d really like to think I still believe that.. I think I do.. but sometimes, it’s just not quite as easy as it sounds..

 

I, like most of you reading this, have loved.. I can’t say I’ve ever been “in” love.. never met someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.. I’ve had my heart broken, torn and tattered.. I’m used to people walkin in and out of my life.. and so stereotypically, this pattern began with my father..

 

And you know.. I’m beginning to think it’s true what they say.. ya know, we always want good guys in our lives.. guys that are going to treat us like gold.. and when we find that guy, we’re so used to the opposite pattern.. the guys that have used us, abused us, couldn’t have given a shit about us.. that we expect the same from the new guy.. and when we find out that he’s 14K gold material, we don’t know what to do or what to think.. it’s almost like we expect him to fail.. and when he does even the smallest thing wrong, we turn into something huge.. almost as an excuse – something to hold against him.. because we’re so afraid of how he makes us feel.. because we’re so afraid that we’re going to get used to being treated the right way, and he’ll leave.. just like everyone before him.. it’s a pattern.. we’re not sure that it was ever really meant to be broken.. we hoped it was.. and we prayed for that good guy to come along and sweep us off of our feet.. and when he does, we’re so afraid of him that we turn our backs.. we look for any excuse possible to turn him away.. to keep away from him.. to keep that wall up.. we don’t even want him to peek in..

 

So what do we do when he’s already got a foot in the door?  And you never meant for it to happen.. you weren’t even looking for him.. he just kind of fell in your lap.. but he makes you feel things, think things and want things that you never really wanted before.. atleast not in a VERY long time..  and you wonder if he’s really as amazing as he seems.. and if he is, will he understand all these feelings?  Or will he think you’re abso-fucking-lutely nuts?  Or will he even find out that this is our thought process?  Hmmmmmm..

 

What I really want, deep down inside.. is for him to just understand.. without my having to admit that I’m afraid.. or saying that this is all new to me.. these thoughts, these feelings.. and I want him to understand that I wasn’t looking for any of it.. but I don’t know how to stop it.. I wish he would just take me by the hand and tell me that everything would be okay.. tell me what he REALLY wanted from me.. and let me know he’d be gentle, no matter what.. and more than anything.. I don’t want him to feel avoided.. or detached from me..

 

I guess.. really.. I just wanna be understood.. completely.. that’s the biggest part of what love is for me.. it’s also sharing myself completely, with the other person.. inside and out.. and vice versa.. it’s honesty (no matter how brutal).. it’s that sparkle in your eye when you think about the other person.. the flutter in your stomach every time you’re near them.. it’s wanting them to be your first thought in the morning, your last thought at night, and SEVERAL in between.. it’s sharing laughter, tears, smiles, frowns.. it’s knowing that no matter how tired you are, or no matter how long of a day you’ve had.. you still look forward to coming home and taking care of that significant other..

 

 Love.. it’s what keeps us going..

 

6/17/01