Saturday, 2/9/02

mood: somber and excited

(you make sense out of that on your own)

 

I laid in bed alone, for quite some time last night, restlessly awake and yet completely lacking energy and motivation to get up and do something.. and my mind raced, as it usually does, in circles, thinking about my life as of late.. it’s amazing how just some quiet time on your own can lead you to mind altering realizations..

 

<god damned this word processor for capitalizing my I’s>

 

anyway.. I started thinking about myself.. and what I want in life.. and what makes me happy.. and I made a realization about the kind of man I want in my life:

 

 I want to be loved, cuddled and pampered

 I want someone who will tell me to sit down, relax and put my feet up while he prepares dinner or cleans the house around me

 I want someone who appreciates all of the small things that I do, and ACKNOWLEDGES them, a simple thank you, a simple I love you, a simple kiss on my cheek letting me know they are thankful, a single rose or perhaps even just a 99c card expressing thank you and gratitude or reminds me that I’m being thought of even though I’m not there

 I want someone to tell me that they want me in their life, that they enjoy having me there

 I want someone to want to be close to me, spend time with me

 I want someone that wants to go everywhere with me, be at my side, be proud of me and be proud to be near me, and yet someone who knows when to give me my own space and let me do my own thing on occasion

 I want someone that will admire me, respect me, adore me and allow me to do all of the same things in return to him

 I want someone who can’t wait to come home and see my cute face, look into my beautiful eyes and share with each other how our days were and what’s going on

 I want someone who can’t wait to come to bed with me every night, snuggle up close to me, hold me, touch me, kiss me.. someone who can’t wait to make love to me because he loves the passion, the closeness, the act of making love and not just having sex

 but most of all..

 I want someone who will make me feel like I am a huge part of their life, a huge part of their existence, someone who will make me feel included in almost everything he does, not obsessively, just respectively..

 

 I think I realized last night that something very important with me is to feel accepted – included if you will – in someone else’s life.. perhaps because most of my past relationships have been a bit abusive and neglectful.. perhaps because I always wanted my freedom, my independence.. I was afraid to get that close to anyone else.. but when I reached deep in to my heart last night – to the depths of my soul – I realized that this is what I want more than anything.. to just feel a PART of someone else’s existence.. to feel like I MATTER.. to feel like they WANT me there.. and to be reminded of how much I am loved and how important I am.. to be given simple, very simple, very small acknowledgements of all the sweet things I do.. I want someone who can match my romance and give me back what I give out so freely.. love, affection, respect, I let my significant other know they he is missed, loved and wanted.. and yet, I rarely hear it back in return, unless I’ve been the one to initiate it.. not just now, but always, in every relationship I’ve ever had..

 perhaps I am finally starting to realize my self worth and accept it.. perhaps I realize that I deserve all of the things above.. it may have taken me 25 years to come to this conclusion, but I think I finally have.. and my good God, it feels good.. it feels amazing to feel good about yourself.. to finally feel like maybe you are valuable.. and to want someone else to think the same thing.. to want someone else to see how incredible you really are and remind you of it.. I want that.. finally.. I want that.. I think I need that.. and I know I deserve that..

 I realize that I’m a good person and I do amazing things.. I realize that I constantly put other people before myself.. I’ve devoted my entire existence to taking care of others.. I have a heart more pure than gold.. and it’s bigger than I know what to do with.. I would give my last dollar, the shirt off my back, or what little space I may have in my apartment to someone else who needs it.. that is ME.. and you’re god damned right I deserve someone who sees that, admires it, respects it, acknowledges, and most importantly, realizes what a gift it is and doesn’t want to lose it..