1/26/02 – Saturday – 8:16pm

Mood: Comfortably numb

 

 

 I sat staring into the darkness of my minds eye..  wondering what, if anything, I had done so terrible wrong, so wrong that it keeps pushing the man I love further and further away..  And then it hit me, pounded my entire existence, reality sank in, perhaps – I can’t compete with misery.. what do I mean you ask?  allow me to divulge..

 today, only mere hours ago, I was in the car, car shopping if you will, with said man.. and we got in to some pretty deep discussions.. mostly me talking and him listening.. I’ve gotten quite used to things that way.. it seems we are usually feeling and thinking the same things most of the time anyway, so I happen to be our voice.. and all of a sudden, he said something that struck a chord in me.. a very loud chord.. some thing that had always been so comfortable for me.. M I S E R Y

 he glanced over at me.. and back to the road.. and he proceeded to tell me that he enjoys being miserable.. in my mind, silently, I knew he was lying.. he is USED to being miserable.. it brings him comfort because as long as he is miserable, then he can never really, truly hurt.. because he is already at the bottom of that pond.. I know, because I’ve been there.. for 25 years myself.. a part of me wanted to reach out and hold him.. and tell him that things would be okay.. that he will get through this.. that WE will get through this.. and we will both be better people in the end for it.. but I could look into his eyes and see he wasn’t ready to hear that.. so even if spoken, those words would fall upon deaf ears.. so I kept those thoughts silently to myself..

 it broke my heart.. and it still does.. he is a great person, and his blinders are on.. he doesn’t give himself nearly enough credit.. when you are constantly reminding yourself that you are a fuck up and that you do nothing right, then you will never see the good, even when it is completed.. it’s only recently that I’ve learned this incredibly valuable lesson.. and it’s something that I still struggle with.. to the point that I actually signed myself up for a self esteem class.. but I know it was the right thing for me to do.. I have a lot of learning to do – about myself.. that’s quite often to most difficult learning for me to achieve.. I love to learn, I love knowledge, but when it comes to me – I find it all boring.. a pattern I know now that I need to change.. and more importantly – a pattern I now know I MUST change..

 I wish that I could take him by the hand and lead him along this path with me.. but I saw the look in his eye – he isn’t ready for that yet.. and that is something that I can’t force upon him or coheres him in to.. he has to want to do this for himself, and not anyone else.. he thinks I can’t look into his eyes and see his pain and his fears.. he thinks he can tell me that he isn’t happy anymore and that I will just move on.. and let him go.. just like everyone else before me has.. what he doesn’t realize is that I’m not everyone else.. and what he can’t seem to get a grip on, is that I’m just like him – so he’s bullshitting the queen of bullshit herself.. and she knows better..

 I will never know the fear he held for 3 months, away, over seas, not knowing whether he was going to wake up every day or whether some bomb would wipe his existence out in the middle of the night.. I will never know the pain and discomfort of returning to his home country and having everything CHANGED completely in a matter of months while he was away doing his duty for his country.. Those are particular emotions that I could never pretend to truly understand.. however, I do understand him.. and I do understand fear.. and I do understand change.. and I know how difficult they can all be.. he thinks I can’t look into his eyes and see how hard he has fought to try to return his life to normal since he’s been back.. only normal before he left is nowhere near what normal is today.. he can’t seem to adjust to that.. and I feel for that.. on different levels, I’m sure.. but I still understand how hard and frustrating that is..

 the thought of losing him plagues my mind.. some where, deep inside of me, I feel it coming.. I don’t think he’s strong enough to keep holding on.. we have both been through a lot in the last few months.. our relationship has been tested, bumped, bruised, banged up, knocked down and turned inside out.. each time, we’ve come through.. but recently, we’ve been growing apart.. I don’t quite know why, we just have.. I imagine that a lot of it is fear.. neither one of us know what to do with a healthy relationship.. when ever we have something good in front of us, we tend to destroy it.. because we don’t know how to allow ourselves to feel happy for extended period of times.. we are used to hurting, used to people shutting us out, turning their backs and never looking back.. and now we’ve found each other.. quite often we seem to be 2 halves that make a whole.. I can tell him what he’s thinking before he says it, and he can finish my sentences as I stumble over them.. something entirely unique, for sure.. but something that scares the hell out of both of us.. and we are also the King and Queen of running when things get rough.. only we’ve both stuck around this time around, and I think that scares the hell out of both of us as well.. we had such a perfect relationship.. so happy and carefree.. and when we finally opened our eyes and realized we were happy – we panicked.. and we BOTH did everything in our powers to attempt to destroy it.. we slowly became less affectionate with each other.. love making all but ceased.. we got to a point where we were play fighting to the point of actually hurting one another.. and smacking each other and calling each other dumb ass or stating ‘that’s for being dumb’ was almost a daily ritual, sometimes even several times a day..

 when I approached the subject of feeling neglected.. it was quite a sensitive subject.. I actually saw tears from him and heard him repeat several times ‘I knew this was gonna happen.. I knew you would leave me’.. that’s when I realized something was terrible wrong with us.. we sat together that night and held on to each other.. and we agreed, as a couple, that we would try to work on it.. but by the end of that weekend, nothing had changed.. and deep inside of me, I knew nothing would.. he asked me to stay.. so I complied..

 but not even a full week later, I find myself back in the same position.. only this time, worse.. he didn’t even want to be around me.. he continues to tell me I oppress him, but will never explain the meaning behind that.. he told me he was going out with some friends this weekend.. both nights.. both times friends I was supposed to meet, but never have.. and he didn’t hesitate to drop me back off at home, alone and go out on his own.. never once, in our entire relationship has he taken me to meet friends of his.. excluding the trip to mcguire.. after awhile, that starts to make one question herself.. ask what’s wrong with me?  why doesn’t he want his friends to know who I am?  I mean, I completely understand wanting time alone for just friends.. but we had agreed to share this weekend and next.. because he is leaving for an entire month.. and we had agreed that I would meet these friends the next time he hung out with them.. but once again, I get pushed backstage.. there has to be something wrong with me I think.. and I cried myself to sleep.. at 5pm on a saturday.. how sad!

 but it was in my slumber that I realized, I can never compete with his misery.. that if he has chosen to live a miserable life and he honestly believes that he is happy that way.. then he is fooling and hurting no one but himself.. and some day, he will realize that.. he is walking away from an opportunity of a lifetime, because he is scared.. and because he is so afraid of change.. and because he is so afraid to acknowledge that maybe he DOES need to change.. and not for anyone else, but himself.. misery is not a way to live life.. it’s a sad excuse to evade happiness because one isn’t sure they deserve happiness..

 well, since I can’t compete with that.. I don’t know what else to do.. I can’t live in misery anymore.. I’ve lived this way for 25 (yea yea, almost 26) years.. and it took me a long time to open my eyes and take off my blinders and realize that I was hurting no one but myself.. and that that very misery, that I thought was the best way to live, was actually keeping me away from some amazing opportunities.. and I’m not going to miss out on anymore.. in no doubt in my mind do I love this man.. I can honestly say I love him more than I have ever loved any other man.. I admire and respect him.. I feel connected to him.. and I don’t want to lose him.. but his misery is his oppression – not me – I’m just a good excuse.. well, I refuse to be an excuse anymore.. I, just the same as he, deserve happiness.. and I am going to find mine!