sometimes, my mind, it just swirls and twirls.. like a whirlwind of emotions.. and it races around inside and i cant stop it, and i cant grab a hold of a single thought.. they just spin and spin and spin.. around and around and around..

 and sometimes, i don't know why, i just start crying.. like now, while i'm writing this.. my eyes are watering up.. no tear drops yet, but they're watery.. and i know i could cry, if i wanted to.. but my eyes hurt so much from crying this past week already.. it's almost an irritant when they water..

 and my head.. my head hurts so bad.. from all the thoughts just racing around.. incomplete.. torn apart.. it makes my whole body ache, from the inside out.. and i dont know how to make it stop.. and my heart.. my heart hurts.. and i can feel the rapidness of my pulse as it gradually increases because my mind spins further out of control.. and i bang my head, with my hands and beg it to stop.. beg for it to all go away.. and maybe.. just maybe, sometimes, for a few minutes, it all slips away.. and i think about nothing.. yet everything at all.. and yet i dont have a clue about what i was thinkin 10 seconds ago..

 and sometimes.. sometimes i wonder if i should even be walking around like a normal person.. should i even be doing the job that i do?  then again, maybe that’s what makes me so good at it, cause I’m such a natural fuck up myself.. so i can get down on their level, and i can feel their pain, and their confusion and their distress.. and i can make them feel better, i can make their pain stand still..

 SO WHY THE FUCK CANT I FIX MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!???????

11/24/01

6:03PM