Xel's notes: Nothing really notable here except for some end of SMJ spoilers and a mild shounen ai warning... yeah, you heard me. I dunno.. it ain't that bad. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Hope you enjoy! ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~

He is the air that I breathe.

That's the only thing keeping me from breaking down right now. That and Yumeji.

Dear God, I have never been more afraid in my life. I hear the explosions outside from the missiles of that damned ship orbiting us, and I can't stop thinking of Otaru-kun, and how he's trapped up there, and... and... I have to stop thinking like this now; I feel faint. Why couldn't I have gone in his place? Then maybe...

But we all know I would die up there. I could never do that to my brother. Not while he's so young... So here I am, cursing heaven above that I was born such a coward.

So many things flash through my mind, one after another. I remember how it was a year ago; the sun was shining, I had moved in next to Otaru-kun; the poor guy was getting used to having three sentient marionettes to deal with. Yeah, things were beautiful. It's laughable, in an insane sort of way, that my feelings should change so drastically in such a short time. Lime was undoubtedly the worst, with her incessant, inane ramblings, not to mention how attached Otaru-kun was to her. Cherry was, thankfully, more tolerable. Perhaps it was because she was the only quiet, cooperative one of the three. And Bloodberry... don't even get me started. Loud, violent, and overbearing, I didn't care about her at all. Nope. Not me. Not at all. Oh, how they annoy me.

...Oh, how I love them.

Otaru-kun goes without saying. That man is an angel if there ever was one. My angel? Someday. Absolutely. But now, as I think of the three that bring completion to the lives of all who know them, as they do to both Otaru-kun and myself, I know I'll have to be content with him being our angel for now. Ha. Funny that I pick a time like this to sort things out intelligently.

With a shaky breath, I continue to murmur words of reassurance to Yumeji, and wait.

Lime. Cherry. Bloodberry. Otaru-kun. Come back safely.

...Please.

He returned, something I will thank the gods of every faith for, but he's alone. He looks so weary and haggard, and there's a gutwrenching hopelessness in his eyes, but he's here. So with all my gratitude, it's only natural that I'm unable to stop myself from running up to hug him tightly, the familiar burn that foreshadows tears stinging my eyes. Even if this wasn't so, the smoke from the wildfires raging in the city would easily be enough.

"Otaru-kun..." My voice is a ragged whisper. I wish I could be stronger than this...

But he just stands there numbly, neither accepting nor rejecting my embrace, not saying a word. Releasing him, I watch him trudge back to his apartment. As usual, he doesn't see me.

I want so badly to go to him; to know what's wrong and to tell him it's all right...

...But it's not all right. Seeing him silent and broken like this is killing me, and I can't deny the surge of rage that wells up within me towards him when I realize that only one person has returned.

What the hell happened up there?

It's been hours, and not a sound can be heard from the other side of the thin wall. I can't take this anymore! Entering through the doorway, noting the tattered frame it rests against and the crack in the wall Lime undoubtedly made, I know what this mood is. The spirit in this place is dead. The shadows play upon the walls in mockery of the three shapes this space was once occupied by, and for a moment, it seems as though they're still here, but it quickly passes. Otaru-kun, beautiful, strong, Otaru-kun, is huddled into the darkness of his bed, eyes closed tightly, trembling. I can't move, because I don't know whether to leave or to stay. We're all lost here...

With a sigh of dismay, I approach his tremulous form, my voice sounding distant in my own ears.

"Otaru-kun...?"

The only reply given is a shuddering breath, but I know he's aware of my presence. I kneel down next to him, quietly praying that I still have it in me to be as strong as I forced myself to be in the shelter.

"Otaru-kun. Hey..."

Barely a whisper, not bothering to look up, he speaks to me, sounding soft and frail. "...What is it...?"

He hasn't stopped shaking yet, so, acting before thinking once again, I take him by the shoulders and gently coax him to rise into a sitting position. I have to take a moment to compose myself a little more, then lightly give his arm a reassuring squeeze.

He needs me now. I know he does, and a part of me couldn't be happier about it. But seeing him like this, weak; wasting away, it makes me wish I could throw away every desirous thought I have towards him, if only to keep him from shunning me like he always does. It is, tragically, the part of me that has ruled my judgment for years. But... he's simply the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I've never loved anyone this much, of that I'm sure beyond any doubt. As I slowly pull him toward me, hugging him close to my chest, stroking his back in what I hope is a soothing touch and finding no resistance, I can't help but entertain thoughts of caressing his breathtakingly lovely face, lowering him to the futon as I move with him, letting our lips touch, hearing his sweet voice whispering words of encouragement... More forbidden images come to mind. Forcefully wrenching my mind away from those thoughts, I tentatively dare to ask him what happened up there in orbit of Terra II. His weak, shuddering sigh is almost all the confirmation I need, but I press further. I know I'm gonna regret it.

"...They're gone."

"What?"

"Lime, Cherry, Bloodberry. They're gone."

I was so afraid he'd say that... "Otaru-ku--"

"...We made it to the Mesopotamia. I wanted to go alone, but they... they..."

"What is it...?" Quite honestly, this is scaring the hell out of me. He answers my plea with a trembling voice, finally breaking down.

"They left me, Hanagata...!"

Dear God, this is too much. Worse, I know he's suffering, and I also know there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I only clutch him tighter, the tears that threatened to fall when we were outside finally sliding freely down my cheeks, into his soft hair. I'm hesitating to act on impulse, but I can't bear not being able to comfort him. Not after this...

...I don't even want to think about those three. It's too much... too bloody much...

Otaru-kun leans into my embrace. I should be happy...

Wait, Mitsurugi. Be strong. You have to be strong for Otaru-kun. And now you're talking to yourself... don't go crazy, Mitsurugi, not yet...!

I'm going to do what I can. I lay him down on his back and rest beside him, still holding him as closely and as delicately as I can. His scent is intoxicating; so rich and warm. How I love him. This man is everything to me. He gives me the strength to go on. And that selfish part of me speaks again, imploring me to go too far.

...The selfish part of me can go to hell.

Damn it all; lost in my thoughts, I barely noticed that Otaru-kun is crying again. Oh, it hurts. It hurts... Why? Why do you have to be so beautiful in everything you do?

"Otaru-kun," I whisper softly, another accursed tear falling. "It's gonna be all right, Otaru-kun. So please..."

I can't stop myself from leaning down to kiss his tears away. "...Please don't cry..."

He smiles faintly, I think. "Sorry."

Don't be; it's all right for angels to cry... Even if it hurts other people to watch.... And I know I don't deserve you, but... Ugh. Rambling again. "Shh... it's okay. Sleep, Otaru-kun, you need it..."

As if that was the only thing holding him back, he closes his eyes and leans against me. So soft. So warm. Otaru-kun...

The room is completely silent except for the soft crackling of the fires in the distance, the rain beginning to fall, and Otaru-kun's steady breathing. I could burst into tears leaving him, but it'll be easier this way. It will. I rise and look down at him. I have to leave.

He's fast asleep. I can see him tomorrow, I know. He has to rest.

But if he's asleep, then he'll never know....

I lean back down and very gently brush his lips with mine, damning this terrible way I have of always giving in to what I want.

I can't look back. If I do, I'll never be able to go. Opening the door to my apartment, I stop in my tracks and turn around, staring outside into the unusually restless night. There's so much I wish I could have done, and that greedy part of me still begs to go back in there. But there's an unspoken line tonight, one that, if I dared to cross, could and would destroy everything else up to this point.

Somehow I know they'll come back. They always do. No one could get rid of them if they tried. They'll be back soon enough to claim Otaru-kun for themselves. That makes me want to go back to him even more. No; I'll leave him in peace.

...And we'll see what happens tomorrow.