Title  Lost
Author:  Joann
Rating;  NC-17 ( Warning : contains attempted self harm)
Lost
I'm alone and feeling lost
If only I could have it all
Then I'd be alright
Cos I can't see who I really am
Through all the dark i'm living in
But I'll know right before I hit the ground
'Lost - The Calling'
I seem to have lost all sense of direction in my life. I am lost and drowning in a vast ocean of nothingness. The man I used to be has long since left, leaving me empty. I am simply nothing, therefore I am no one. A long time ago I ceased to experience basic human emotions like other people. I couldn't tell you the last time, I felt any emotions such as joy, sadness or fear. All of those are just imaginary because to know what they really are you have to feel them, so for me they do not exist other than in my head. Now, my senses have begun to desert me as well, like rats on a sinking ship. Food no longer tastes the same, it's all so bland. For all I know or care, you could be serving my cat litter at mealtimes and I wouldn't notice. Nothings how it was before or how it actually should be.
How I got this way, I cannot say for sure. There is no way that I can attribute this drastic change to any particular event nor can I pin point it to a specific date or time. All I know is that I appear to be a normal healthy male on the outside, but on the inside I'm dead. Every single day I go through the motions of my life, I eat, shit, piss and sleep like everyone else, but that inner radiance that used to shine so brightly has now been extinguished like a flickering candle in a gust of wind. The only difference between me and a robot is that I'm supposed to have a heart that beats beneath my skin and the only reason I am able to carry on living this way, is because I do not have the courage to end it all. If I'm as lucky as everyone say I am, then who knows maybe death will no longer alienate me. To be frank and brutally honest, death would be a welcomed relief.
By day I am the actor you've all come to know and adore. Always performing in front of the camera, whether it be filming another box office hit or posing for photo shoots. Only now I do if for the fans benefits rather than my own, as it no longer gives me the rush it once did.    It's at night that the other side of me emerges and gets to come into his own, after waiting on the wings all day for its chance of freedom. Then I prowl the crowded nightclubs like an ever alert predator, who is constantly searching for its next victim. Now, don't take that the wrong way. I am not some masked serial rapist, lurking in the night shadows waiting for the next unsuspecting woman to walk by. These encounters I'm having, however brief, are all consensual.
I go to these places, hoping to find that special someone who will help me rediscover some or all of the things that seem to be missing or at least that's what I tell myself. You know you've got problems when you start lying to yourself.   Still, no matter how hard I try I cannot change or divert myself off this path. I feel as though I must continue to walk it until I reach the end, wherever that may be and maybe, just maybe I will come of this with my sanity still intact.
Tonight is no different from last night or the previous evening for that matter. Before leaving the solitary four walls in which I reside, I give my appearance and the contents of my pocket one last check before I head out to the nightclubs. I have learnt to steer well clear of the trendy upper class celeb nightclubs and prefer instead to prowl the heavily populated lesser known places. My main reasons for frequenting these places are that the beers cheap and the women are easy.
Then again, given who I am it's not exactly a challenge to find willing and able partners and despite the reputation that I must be getting for being a womanizer.  They still flock to me like vultures to a fresh carcass. I have been quoted as saying I prefer blondes, but in my current state of mind hair color is of no significance. This cancerous hunger for satisfaction has grown so vast that it cannot be fulfilled.  It's gotten to the point where I often perform various sexual acts with numerous women during the evening in an attempt to quell its needs.
As I enter the club something tells me this won't be the only place I visit this evening as the beast inside of me is starving. It takes less than two minutes for me to spot what I consider to be an appetizer for the feast upon which I'll be ravenously feeding. My eyes follow the fairly pretty brunette from the bar as she starts to pick her way through the thong of people to get back to her seat. By all accounts she doesn't appear to have any male company with her, making her fair game in my books. A few minutes pass before I venture forward, ready to execute my first move. My steps are swift as I make my way over to where she's sat, then I deliberately slow my pace as I pass by. I pause next to her and flash her a smile, that smile that will have her eating out of the palm of my hand or to put into more vulgar terms. A smile that will guarantee her mouth around my cock.  As I move away to a chorus of cat calls, I feel her eyes boring into me and I smile smugly to myself, knowing I've got her attention. After swinging by her seat once more to check if she's still interested, I move in for the kill.
"Dance with me," I whisper her into her ear, whilst keeping an eye on her gawking friends.
I briefly remove my gaze from them and turn in time to catch her nod her head in reply to my offer, then without waiting for further confirmation I take her hand and push my way to the dance floor. Now, I have her just where I want her, we dance and before long I pull her into my arms. I hold her body close to mine, even though her perfume makes me nauseous. I quickly forge ahead and start to croon sweet nothings in her ear with as much sincerity as I can muster. The sugar coated lies that fall from my lips work their magic and I find myself being led into the ladies rest room.
Once in there, I launch into full on mode, kissing, touching, and holding nothing back. The other me of would never of considered doing anything like this because back then I was way to upstanding and had oh so many morals. Thankfully, that Orlando hasn't been in the picture for some time now and sometimes I wonder if he's ever coming back.  There was a time, when I would have taken my time pleasuring a woman, but those days are long gone as now there is no passion involved in my actions. I am simply driven by this incredible, overwhelming force and have no control over it what so ever. To me the eager to please woman worming her way to the fastening on my pants is worthless, nothing more than a pawn in the game of life. She will serve her purpose and stem the rapidly escalating ache in my groin, then I will disguard her just like all the others. I have no reasonable explanation for my recent behavior, maybe it's the pressure of fame. Others have succumbed to alcohol and drugs, whereas my vice is woman.
All too soon, her mouth engulfs my throbbing member and I press the flat of my palms against the cold door. There was no build up or teasing like you'd get with a familiar lover, this is so clinical and business like. Still, she sucks on me with enthusiasm and out of obligation; I spew forth words of encouragement. All of them blatant lies.
"Oh...fuck! Baby, that feels so good!" I pant, drawing on my acting skills to sound convincing.
Whilst my new friend sucks and slurps on me as though I was her favorite, fruity lollipop. I grunt and groan my way through what I can only describe as one of the worst blow jobs I have ever received in my life. Eventually we get a rhythm going and it's a blessed relief when I feel my seed into her mouth. Naturally, I resume the persona of being a perfect gentleman and help her up of the floor. Since I can't just thank her for services rendered and push her out of the cubicle, although I am very tempted. I kiss her half heartedly to keep up the pretence.
"What now?" She ventures to ask, when we break the embrace for air.
"First, I'm going to buy you a drink, then twirl you around the dance floor until your head spins before taking you back to my place," I reply, not feeling in the slightest bit guilty for feeding her this well rehearsed line.
When I'm absolutely positive that she's not going to faint after hearing my cheap fabrication of the truth, we arrange to meet at the bar once I've freshened up. I place a chaste kiss on her cheek as she scuttles out of the toilet stall, then let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding. After grabbing a handful of toilet paper to wipe my semen and saliva coated semi hard cock before putting it back in my pants, I then check the coast is clear for me to exit the cramped conditions of the toilet.
I make use of the wash basins and splash some cold water on my some what sweaty face. Whilst I'm rinsing the taste of cheap perfume out of my mouth, I hear the thump thump of the loud techno music and know immediately that someone has just entered. My head whips round and I find myself staring at a very confused looking young woman. She gives me a questioning look and I cannot help but smirk, as she reopens the door and checks the sign.
"For a minute there, I thought I was in the wrong bathroom, but it seems you're the one who has made a mistake," she says cheerfully.
"Yeah...erm. Sorry...wasn't feeling too good" is the best I can come up with on the spare of the moment.
"You do look a bit flushed."
A quick glance in the mirror proves she is correct as I am looking a bit red in the face. Although it's hard to determine if my rosy cheeks are being caused by the heat or whether I'm embarrassed at being caught in the ladies restroom.
"Think, I'll get some air," I mumble, then high tail it out of there as fast as my legs can carry me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The remainder of the evening got progressively better, but despite my best efforts to satisfy the need. The beast within me was still insatiable. So far, not one of my conquests had managed to put a dent in my sexual appetite and I'm forced to break my usual pattern and risk taking someone home with me. As this seems to be the only possible solution to my dilemma.
After engaging in numerous conversations with various women. I find myself attracted in particular to a beautiful, vibrant blonde. We click from the onset and for time in so long I actually think this philandering period of my life could be entering its final phase. At long last there is a faint light glowing in the distance and I truly believe that light however faint, to be a ray of hope.
As we travel back to my apartment the banter between us is outrageously flirtatious, but unforced on my behalf as I?m genuinely smitten with the captivating woman sat beside me. Shortly after we arrive I discover my companion has no sexual inhibitions whatsoever. As we explore one another's bodies and experiment in the bedroom, a dormant part of my psyche awakens and I embrace its return with open arms, as though it were a long lost friend.
The moans and cries of pleasure ring out well into the early hours of the morning until exhaustion finally overcomes both of us. As I lay in the darkness with my limbs still entangled with hers waiting for the much needed sleep to claim my sweat soaked body, I am convinced that this woman is the one who can help me find the inner peace that I've been desperately searching for all this time.
A sudden movement rouses me from my slumber and in the early light of dawn, through heavy lidded eyes, I watch as my possible 'Miss Right' creeps out of my bed and starts to gather her discarded clothing still unaware that she has awoken me. A despondent sinking feeling washes over me causing all of the questions that I was about to ask regarding her departure to hitch in my throat, rendering my speechless. A noise must have escaped from me, alerting her to me presence because she turns to look directly at me, then as if to drive her point home. She bends down and retrieves on of my socks, then wipes away any evidence of our union from between her legs before dropping it back to the floor.
"W..w..why?" I stammer hoarsely.
"Why not! You're every woman's fantasy and probably some men's. The opportunity was too good to pass up," she replies without any feeling in her voice or her words.
It's at that moment that the veil of her flawless beauty slips, allowing me to see deep within her. That old saying about beauty being skin deep is true in her case because what I see on the inside is enough to fill me with repulsion. The blonde goddess who had happily accompanied me home had been replacing by this cold hearted being, who was nothing more than a rotting, maggot ridden creature. I have to ask myself if this is an insight into my future? Strangely enough this is what will become of me unless I make a stand before the maggots eat away all traces of decency from me and then all hope of salvation will be lost.
Once she leaves, I wander through to the kitchen area and take out one of the knives from the wooden block. Surely the old, kind, caring, loving and romantic Orlando Bloom has to be trapped in me somewhere and I must free him the dark place before it's too late.  The hand that holds the knife shakes as I contemplate were to make the incision in my skin, but before I can carry out this insane act of self butchery the knife clatters to the floor. I follow its descent to the cold lifeless floor and begin sobbing like a child who has become separated from its mother in a busy shopping complex.
I do not know how long I lay there, curled up in the fetal position. What I do know, is that I have never felt so afraid or alone in my entire life. When the racking great sobs fade to pathetic snivels, I get to my feet and feel a renewed strength building in me. Today will go down as a historical turning point in my life because today I declare war. This war won't be fought on foreign soil and without the use of guns, tanks or armored vehicles nor will there be any innocent blood shed. No, this war will be fought within the confines of my own mind and the only weapons that I will need to be victorious are self loathing and determination. I can't give any clear indication of how long this conflict will last, but I will fight until the end, even if it takes me a lifetime.
THE END
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