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Grissom returned to his position on the rocking chair across from Catherine�s bed, watching her carefully as she cried into her pillow. He decided he wouldn�t go back to sleep, he would stay awake and make sure she was ok. Well, as ok as she could be.
He felt so useless. His best friend had been hurt so badly and he hadn�t been there to protect her. He scanned her frame as she lay whimpering. She looked so broken, curled into a foetal position with tight fists pressed against the sides of her face, shoulders shaking with grief.
He held his face in both hands and closed his eyes, his mind unwillingly playing out the possible violations she might have suffered. He wished he could have gone to the hospital with her, she must have felt so alone. He felt a lump in his throat and swallowed hard.
�Gil?�
He looked up quickly and she was sat up in bed, her tears gone. She pulled the sheets back next to her and patted the empty mattress beside her.
Hesitantly he walked over to her and climbed in beside her.
�Will you hold me?� she whispered.
Nodding, he lay down and opened his arms out so that she could rest her head on his chest. She snuggled up to him, her body fitting comfortably with his own and she sighed deeply, comforted by the rise and fall of his chest.
Several silent minutes past and he lay staring at the ceiling, wanting to speak but not knowing which words to begin with. Catherine broke the silence.
�I�m sorry.�
�Don�t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.�
�I didn�t show for work, I shouted at you, I attacked you on the sofa��
�You had every right Catherine, you�ve been through a traumatic experience and it�s only natural for you to react��
�I�m still sorry.�
Grissom stroked her hair as he listened to her soft breaths.
�I don�t know who it was Gris, I couldn�t make out his face he was so close and it was dark and I couldn�t see for tears and��
�Hey it�s ok. Maybe you�ll remember something later, don�t worry about that now.�
�But I�m a CSI, I know the procedures in r� these kinds of cases. I should have known what to do, I should have memorised his face, his features� I should have fought, I should have screamed for help, I couldn�t even move. I felt like I was frozen, I know I was screaming in my head but I couldn�t make my mouth work��
�Yes you are a CSI but you�re also a human being. You could only do as much as your body would let you, you know the drill Cath. Your body had a choice; fight or flight. In this case your mind decided that the only way to keep you from further damage was to choose flight, and as you were restrained there was no way you could run. So instead, your body shut down to protect you. There was nothing you could have done.�
�I know but it still seems like I could have done more.�
He felt her sigh heavily and tightened his arm around her shoulder. Gently he kissed the top of her head. �It�s ok Cath, it�s over.�
�It�s not ok Gil. It really isn�t ok and it�s never going to be over. I was raped Gil, violated and there wasn�t a thing I could do to stop it. How do you think that makes me feel? I had to lie there while he ripped off my blouse, my bra� he had my arms above my head and I couldn�t even move.� she sat up, her body trembling as she pushed her wrists in his face, showing him the bruises.
�I�m sorry Cath.�
Catherine didn�t seem to hear him. �Then after he was done groping and kissing my breasts he wanted more� her hands that were wildly accompanying her words suddenly tightened into fists. Her cheeks flushed as she remembered.
�He pulled down my pants��
�You don�t have to do this Cath��
�No I do, I really do. I want you to know what happened to me and then after, you can tell me that it�s ok, you can tell me that it�s over. Because it really doesn�t feel �over�, you know, because when I close my eyes he�s there, doing it to me again.�
Gil couldn�t speak for the hard lump in his dry throat.
�He pulled down my pants and he stuck his fingers in me, and then he said that wasn�t enough. So he picked up a beer bottle,�
Gil closed his eyes and bit on his lower lip.
�I begged him to stop but he just laughed, and pushed it deep inside me, really deep and I couldn�t breathe from the pain. I thought I was going to die, I honestly didn�t think I would make it home.� Her shoulders slumped and she rested her face in her hands. Grissom put his hand on her arm.
�Don�t. Ok. Just�don�t.� she whispered.
He pulled his hand back and she looked up, ready to purge the rest of her guilty secret.
�I thought he was done, he got up and I just lay there. I was paralysed to the ground and he just stared down at me, laughing. Then he jumped on me again, he seemed really angry at me, calling me all kinds of names and punching my ribs and chest. He smashed the bottle and cut me here.� she pointed to her chest. �Then he raped me.�
Gil realised her story was finished and he sat up, picking invisible threads from the sheet.
�Have you reported it?� he finally managed.
�No.�
�Well why not? If you�ve been raped��
Catherine�s anger burst and she pushed him backwards until she was sat on his chest. She held both his hands above his head, her hair falling around her red face. �If? If I�ve been raped? Have you listened to anything I just said?�
�Cath I didn�t mean��
�Just shut up Grissom, how do you like it? How does it feel to be held down?� she was breathing heavily, her anger evident in her face.
�Catherine I believe you, I just chose the wrong words. I have no idea how you feel, or felt, I can only try to imagine. Please Cath��
She released his hands and remained on his chest, holding her face as she started crying.
�Did it happen on your way home from the club?�
Shaking her head she wiped her tears. �I didn�t go out in the end.�
�Well then where?�
�I was on my way to see you Gil, I wanted to take you up on your offer of dinner.�
He froze, if he hadn�t asked her then non of this would have happened. His face crumpled and he tried to hide his tears with his arms.
Catherine pulled away his arms and wiped his tears with a trembling finger.
�I�m sorry Cath, this is all my fault.�
�Hey don�t. There�s only one person to blame and he�s not in this room.�
Leaning down she kissed him lightly on the lips, her tears mingling with his own. She tried to block out the blurred face of her rapist as she kissed him more passionately.
Grissom held the back of her head as he returned the kiss, with a start he let go and pulled back. She leaned in again and he put a hand on her arm lightly to stop her. �No Cath, not like this, not with the circumstances.�
Catherine sat back, defeated, looking everywhere but his eyes. �But I want to.�
�Do you? Or is it like old times Catherine, whenever Ed beat you black and blue we always managed to find ourselves naked. I don�t think you actually want to sleep with me, you just want a release, an escape from the reality of what�s happened to you.�
She stared at him, stunned.
�I�m sorry Catherine but I can�t do that. I couldn�t have sex with you knowing that a little more than 24 hours ago you were raped and destroyed by a complete stranger. I would spend the rest of my life wondering if you saw his face instead of mine while we were making love here tonight.�
Catherine lay down on the edge of the bed, her back to him. She knew that everything he said had been true. She had always used sex as an escape and she felt ashamed that she had tried to use Gil to reach that. She felt dirty and damaged as she stared at the wall. Not looking at him, Catherine stood and walked to the bathroom.
��
As she studied her reflection in the mirror she sighed. A different person seemed to be looking back at her. A familiar stranger trapped behind the glass in front of her, broken and desperate to be loved. She touched a shaky hand to the mirror and traced her reflections lips. �You�ll be ok.� she whispered to the image before her, and she wondered if that was true. She wondered if she would come out of this stronger, just like all the times with Ed.
She hoped so as she climbed in beside Grissom and rested her head on his chest.
�Thanks Gil, I love you.�
�Anytime honey, I love you too.�
They fell asleep to the sound of each others gentle breaths; best friends. As long as they had each other they could survive anything.
END
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