Bring Me To Life by Lora
"Call my name and save me from the dark..." - Evanescence, 'Bring me to Life'
Alfie rubbed his eyes, searching for the right words to say to her, to make her change her mind. He looked at her standing there, facing away from him, her heavy shoulders shaking in the cold night. He wanted to hold her and make the pain stop but he couldn't reach her…emotionally or physically.
"Kat?" his voice came out broken. She didn't respond so he cleared his throat and tried again, softer this time. "Kat darlin', can't we talk about this?"
Kat's trembling slowed and she tried to swallow the tears, "Go away Alfie." It pained her to say it, she wanted him there to hold her, to tell her everything was ok but she knew that she could never have him.
"but…"
"Please. Just go away." Her legs felt like they were sinking into the dark ground, and she shifted her feet slightly, the cold wind almost knocking her weak body down.
"I'm not leaving you here Kat. Not like this, not on your own. I don't care what you say; I'm here because I want to help you." He gently moved his foot forward, holding his hand out to her.
She shook her head and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
"Yes, I want to help you Kat… I don't want you to hurt anymore."
"and you think I do? Alfie, you can't help me; nobody can help me, I'm a hopeless cause. The best thing you can do is turn around and walk away." Her voice was barely there, sobs catching in her throat as she spoke.
Alfie shook his head this time. "I'll walk away when you're hand is in mine and we're walking away from this together. If you come with me now we can go inside and talk, away from the cold and darkness."
She turned to face him, carefully lifting her feet as she moved. "I'm always in darkness Alfie. For 18 years I've been trapped and there aint no way you can change that, no matter how much talking we do. Do you have any idea what it's like to be me? You don't understand why I'm here, why this is what I have to do."
"Then help me understand. Let me in; bring down your walls for me. You don't have to go through whatever it is on your own, Kat, I'm your mate right?"
She nodded, her lipstick-smeared mouth shaking as she held back more tears. "You're better off without me Alfie, everyone is. All I ever do is hurt people and I'm tired of it, tired of pretending I'm fine and that nothing could ever hurt me. Kat Slater, heart of stone, cheap dirty whore who's up for anything and anyone."
"That's not true…"
"Aint it? I wear a mask Alfie, since I was 13 I've taken it out of my drawer every morning and covered the pain and fear until I go to bed. I don't want that to be my life, I can't spend every day pretending to be something I aint."
"You don't have to pretend with me Kat, let me see the real you, I want to know you." He knew that mask, he wore one himself.
"Nah, you don't. The real me is hurt, vulnerable, dirty. That's what he made me, all those years ago."
Alfie listened in silence, his heart reaching for her but never quite far enough.
"You know, he told me it was my fault. That if I hadn't wanted it I would have said no." she laughed nervously. "I would have said no." she repeated, catching a lone tear as it tried to escape her lifeless eyes.
Alfie stiffened as he realised what she was going to tell him. Her words crawled over his skin and he shook his head as he tried to banish the familiar emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.
She looked at the ground. "If I could have said no I would have. If I hadn't been so petrified, so numb and paralysed…maybe I would have had the strength and voice in me to scream for him to get off me. But I didn't, so it's my fault. I was 13. A 13 year old schoolgirl and he stole the one thing that was supposed to be precious. " The tears came again, this time softer and not as desperate. Her voice was barely audible, the 13 year old girl coming out again. "He raped me Alfie, my own uncle."
Alfie swallowed the lump that had risen in his dry throat. He wanted so badly to take her away from here and wrap his arms around her trembling body. She looked so fragile, so innocent standing there in the dark; her black hair lashing around her face like hands reaching for safety, reaching for him. He ran his hand through his hair and dug his hands into his pockets.
"Aw Kat darlin, I don't know what to say…"
"You don't have to say anything. Just, now you know why I have to do this."
"It wasn't your fault Kat. Don't punish yourself for what he did, he's gone and there's no way he can hurt you again." He tried to convince himself as well as her that these words were true. He knew in his heart that they weren't.
"You don't get it do you Alfie? He might be dead but he's not gone, every night he hurts me again and again, it's like he's there doing it to me over and over. I have to pinch myself to make sure… because it feels so real. So don't tell me he can't hurt me anymore, you don't have the faintest idea what it's like."
He looked into her eyes and held a knowing gaze. "I do Kat. I know exactly what you're feeling. I know every part of it too well." He rubbed his hands down his jeans nervously, his hands starting to shake.
"How could you possibly know?" She looked at him sceptically, searching his face for the answer.
"Just forget I said it yeah."
"No Alfie, tell me what you meant. I let you in like you asked for… now do the same for me, please." She wiped her eyes as the tears stopped, knowing that there was something he was keeping back.
"I don't know what to say Kat. I've never had to stand in front of someone and say it."
"Just try. Like you said…we're mates. You know me and now I want to know you."
She wrapped her arms around her body, trying to block out the cold and protecting herself from whatever was to come.
"Yeah, right. But only because I trust you Kat. I can trust you can't I?"
She nodded and drew an invisible cross against her chest.
He started to speak, not knowing where the words were coming from. "When I was a kid, my dad, he used to knock mum about. He would come in late at night, drunk and broke after spending all his wages in the pub. It was always the same; I'd be laid in my bed praying like mad that things would change. They never did. I heard her screaming, every night, pleading with him to stop and think of me. 'Think of our little boy.' She would whimper, as he gave her another kick. He just laughed, and carried on beating her. Then Spence came along and things seemed to get better. The beatings weren't as often and he even took us out for day trips."
He swallowed again, fighting against tears.
"I thought everything was great, things were really starting to change. I was wrong. I came home one night from school and I heard her crying, dad had her up against the wall and he screamed at me to get to bed. So I did. It was the last time I ever heard her voice. I came out of my room the next morning and there she was, lying in the bath… she looked so peaceful and happy that I didn't even notice the blood coming from her wrists."
Kat felt a silent tear chase another down her cheek. "I'm sorry Alf…" she whispered.
"It's ok. Anyway, he got custody of us didn't he. Now that she was gone he needed another victim. And he found that in me. Every night he came into my room and abused me, I felt like it was my fault, like I wasn't a real boy. I could never be a man if I'd let my dad do that to me. In every way possible he violated me. Spence would be sleeping in the next bed and the only thing I could think was 'please god don't let him wake up, don't let him see this.' I was so ashamed."
Kat couldn't believe what she was hearing. She'd never suspected anything this dark could ever have consumed Alfie. He was too perfect. She realised that he wore the same mask she did; only he wore it tighter than her.
"What happened?" she said, her throat feeling tight.
"I took Spence and ran away. Moved into a hostel and never went back. I don't even think he came looking for us; I was scared that he would find us and kill us. Those were the worst years of my life. Spence never did know why I hated dad so much, and why we left home. He'll never know, some things are better left unknown. So there you go, my life laid out on the cold ground. So when I say I know how you feel, I really do mean it."
He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and shifted on his feet. "So… you think we could go inside now? I feel like a pillock now you know that."
"I'm glad you told me. We can understand each other now…help each other." She smiled through tears.
Alfie smiled too. "So does that mean you're not going to do this…" he pointed at her and the dark night. "You're going to let me help you?"
She nodded. "I thought I couldn't go on anymore, but now I realise that if you can get through it then so can I. You need someone to look after you too… if you'll let me."
He nodded and smiled with relief.
"I'm scared of heights anyway…take me home Alfie."
He walked towards her and lifted her down from the high ledge. She fell into
his arms and held on, breathing him in and letting him into her heart. He
did the same, they were entwined, and they were one. They shared tears and
apologies. Pulling away, Alfie slipped his hand into hers and squeezed to
reassure her. They both stepped towards the ledge and looked over. The wind
settled and below them they could see their future. The empty square below
them was calm, peaceful…welcoming.
Hand in hand they climbed down the roof ladders and stared up at the stars, before disappearing into the warm glow of the Vic.