Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish!
Tuesday 11.45am 29/3/2005 
If you've never tried a Jaspers Meaty Magic pizza...
Saturday 15.27pm 26/3/2005
On Thursday night I met up with Andressa (who I met in Budapest) and her friend Anna in Leicester Square. It was quite surreal as I had not seen her for three months, and that was on the other side of Europe. We had a few drinks before heading off to a Walkabout bar in Charing Cross where we did shots and acted rather silly. I also bumped into Ed and his friend whose name I can't remember, the one who had a damaged liver and who vomited into my pint two years ago in a pub off the King's road. I'm looking forward to moving back to London. Yesterday we all gathered at Celine's flat to watch Alex on 'The Friday Night Project', where he won a trip to Austria and got a raw egg on his face. Fame and fortune now beckon, surely?
Tuesday 14.49pm 22/3/2005
Ana came down to Canters on Friday night and took Celine + myself out for an Italian meal - very nice, we then went to Heather & Luke's 80's themed house party and got smashed (left). A lovely evening, got back at 4.30am, woke at 6am to go to Manston to catch the plane to Dublin, and almost threw up in the airport lobby. Myself, Alex, Mel and Dave stayed at Sally's house and did no touristy things whatsoever. We drank excessively, ate lots of sausages, went to some wicked bars and watched 'Jaws: The Revenge' (well that was only me, really). On sunday night we went to a wicked jazz bar with Sally's sister Jennifer, smashing girl, and then some shit kicked off involving vodka, Ribena and some missing euros. Flew back into Gatwick yesterday and went straight to work at Eurostar before going to Churchills and getting royally fucked with Vanessa, the Dark Lord and a girl who used to work at Clinton Cards. A fat chav flashed her tits and got booed off stage. Ended up pouring a pint of beer over my head, and singing Amarillo whilst dancing across the ring road.
Thursday 13.49pm 17/3/2005
Its been a stressful past few days, what with graduation, finding a job, Eurostar berating me for being crap, Dazed & Confused, my French dissertation, the film long essay and the documentary. But, there have been a handful of special moments. Today I saw Danni's performance with a bunch of teenage kids, intriguing stuff, and then saw Mel as a whore in Eliot, for another performance about prostitution. On Wednesday morning, whilst the train was waiting at Baker Street who do I see across the platfrom but Paul Simmons, one of my best friends from school who Ive not seen or heard from for four years. For a few seconds our eyes met and we smiled and waved. I'm sure I'll see him again some day.
Sunday 17.01pm 13/3/2005
Whilst idly surfing the web today I discovered a website detailing the death and funeral of David Freed, a wonderful man I knew from when I worked in the press department at Tartan Films. Here is a statement about him from the producer of 'Party Monster', which I think is quite appropriate.
"Thanks to him I will always remember to take this business with a grain of salt, a giant cocktail, and always to do it in style at the Dorchester."
Friday 13.26pm 11/3/2005
My goldfish Hercule died a few days ago :( cause unknown, but he has been duly replaced by Miss Lemon and Captain Hastings. Last night I went for a PigFucker with Irish Simon, Vanessa and the Dark Lord before going up the hill to do karaoke in Keynes with Mel (S Club Juniors, above). Then got a headache at Rock night in the lighthouse. Ended up in the Venue, doing shots and dancing rather saucily with Henrietta. Blah blah blah. Jon and I are going to discuss our film with a foley artist at 3pm, and then I have to dash off home and hope I catch the Eurostar in time.
Tuesday 11.18pm 8/3/2005
Well, today was my first day at Dazed & Confused and I had to do scans of a4 photographs of vaginas and research the Brazilian music scene, and yes, there probably was a link there that I wasn't aware of. Im having a wonderful little chat with my French cousin on msn at the moment. His mum caught him smoking weed, he loves gin, and he wants to punch his girlfriend because she calls him a drug addict. What a trooper.
Saturday 15.36pm 5/3/2005
Its that time of the year again folks, well almost: EUROVISION! Tonight at about 6pm or something we get to decide who is going to represent the Britain in the Ukraine. And what choice! Gina G (again!), shonky G4 sloppy seconds Tricolore, the artist formerly known as Jordan, and Javine. Hold on, Javine?! Whose stupid idea was it to let actual talent slip through the net into the pissy puddle of pop that is Eurovision? Reader, vote for Javine tonight. Her album was great eventhough nobody bought it.
"Say 'NO' to Jordan"Friday 16.24pm 4/3/2005
And to think, today I was actually going to freeze my arse off in the cold queuing up to audition for this year's Big Brother. Okay so Tartan Films seem to have forgotten all about the promise they made that they'd take me back after I finished uni, but then all is not lost. I have bagged a one month internship at Dazed & Confused magazine, bought a flight to Dublin to stay at Sally's for the Paddy's day celebrations, and I am just about to buy my tickets for the Cannes Film Festival. Thank god I didn't sell out.
Monday 18.30pm 28/2/2005 
How convenient that, as my university year comes to an end, death and demise of apocalyptic proportions has befallen a trio of Britain's cultural pillars. White 'Shite' Lightning no longer bears the fiendishly tantalising 100% FREE label, cold shoulder nutrition outlet Little Chef is being unceremoniously axed (proof that the days of the greasy spoon are numbered), and red double decker Routemaster buses are being pulled from London's roads. A nation weeps.
Sunday 11.25am 27/2/2005
Well I finally let myself go last night... in the Venue. Bumped into Graham who was my corridor neighbour in the first year, and also Priya who I also havent seen or spoken to since the first year, quite a surreal experience as they both looked very different and they were probably thinking the same about me. Well actually they probably thought I was a complete prat for trying to snog the vending machine. Mind you, it wasn't entirely my fault, it was Oz's last night working there so I got away with some great (read: excessive) drinks deals, like a double vodka lemonade for 5p. Yeeha! Oh yeah and Naz if you're reading this, remember Tim Scudder? Remember his band Casper Jacks? Well they're now called 'Battle' and have been signed to EMI! How weird is that?
Friday 13.35pm 25/2/2005
Oops! I accidentally deleted this entry, but you didnt miss much, just a joke about paedophilia, a coked up neighbour of mine and Dave running over a snowman.
Wednesday 13.54pm 23/2/2005
What a dull week. Im ill and haven't been out on the razz in ages, is sobriety really this boring?
Sunday 16.12pm 20/2/2005
Friday Night: Mungos. Met some girls who apparently spoke to me the week before in the Venue, and claimed that I was writhing on the floor with a big grin on my face. Also met Rob from my first year, very weird, he really is quite short! His girlfriend is a Polack. CKrazy also turned up but mysteriously vanished. Then crashed this house party where there was this guy wearing an Apollo video t-shirt, I almost wet myself (used to work at that shit hole). Saturday Day: Broadstairs. A lovely town! Perched on a cliff above a beautiful beach. Poirot MUST have solved a murder here. Mel told me over lunch that if you're a woman in Broadstairs you are either a whore or work in a fish and chip shop. Last Night: A big thank you to Oz who spiked my snakebite with vodka. A big thank you to the DJ who played Girls Aloud's 'Love Machine'. Another big thank you to Rachel for being an excellent dance partner. No thank you, however, to Rachel Stevens lookalike girl, who completely ignored my attempts at conversation by the vending machine. Mind you, this was after five snakebites.
"MY Sunday Lunch"
Friday 14.44pm 18/2/2005
Yet again, what began as a quiet 'drink' in the Cherry Tree ended up with me waking up finding mud all over my jeans and my boxers (?) and not remembering anything at all. To make matters worse, during the break at film workshop I had to sit in Rutherford bar aka 'The Hole' with a belly full of vomit and a mouth reeking of vodka, lamely trying to follow a conversation about Dime bars. For any of you who can't remember what The Hole looks like in the mornings (and you shouldnt, as you would sensibly be in bed nursing a killer hangover), the above picture should remind you.
Sunday 10.23am 13/2/2005
Yesterday Loz, Hannah, Chris and Ali (who got a job at the Home Office through a temp agency - very odd) were all in Canterbury, a rather nostalgic occassion. Of course everyone got steaming drunk and a bunch of us ended up back at the Chalet, quaffing cheap white wine and listening to Loz and Han singing along to Abba. Celebrations are well underway chez Eurostar for Valentines Day tomorrow. Each department has a theme, ours is pimps and prostitutes and Internet Support is school girls and prefects. A speed dating room has been set up and there is also a mail box for dirty love messages. How very British. I wonder how they're going to be celebrating at the Paris office tomorrow?
Wednesday 19.41pm 9/2/2005
Today I went to a factory outlet in Alfold, Surrey, Middle Of Nowhere. I was supposed to go with Jon to interview Ray Lockett, inventor of the 'spikey', a contraption that prevents drinks being spiked, for our documentary. However, Jon (who owns a car) was offered a job at the last minute so he took it, leaving me no choice but to get to Alfold using trusty British public transport - a fucking nightmare: �4.30 for a 1 hour bus ride through fields, lovely. So anyway I get there, get the camera out, do the interview, all is going swimmingly until I ask what else Ray manufactures, adressing a large warehouse across the forecourt. "Oh yes, our most popular items are our impotency and penile aids" He said this rather nonchalantly and so I thought I might ask to take a look inside, a request he had no issues fulfilling. Reader, upon entering this warehouse of grim, my jaw hit the floor. It was stacked to the rafters with dildos, penis pumps, lubricants, colostomy bags, pornographic DVD's and various other contraptions I can barely begin to describe. Ray was a lovely bloke though, his wife made me a cuppa and he gave me a lift to Guildford in his Bentley. During this trip he gave me a penis pump to inspect, informing me that his were infinitely better than the American rival brand.
"Spikeys"Monday 16.41pm 7/2/2005
As usual, the house party was a great success, despite heavy rain, a randy Argentine, a mad Finn on the prowl for tantric sex and a big black guy with missing teeth who threatened to beat Anna up. Beth, Liz, Fab, Clement and Henrietta were all there which allowed us to reminisce, Parisian style, the great nights out we had in France. Jo brought a 15 year old who tried to jump out of an upstairs window, and subsequently smashed a present I made for Natalia's birthday. I vaguely remembered Lou, Speedy and Dom turning up, but by that point I had ingested an entire bottle of Amarulha (thanks Jon!) so some moments are a little hazy. Other news: John forced me to drink vodka neat, Danni smoked a bong, Tori brought muffins and the Darklord drank Babycham. Extraordinary!
Friday 11.16am 4/2/2005
Last night was lots of fun, primarily because I only purchased five snakebites, which managed to fuel me until 4am. Firstly we went to the Lighthouse to see some bands, who were pretty shonky but the turnout was impressive. Well done to Shauna for organising something you rarely see in Canterbury: live acts (enough about fucking Jimmy Jones band already, they're not going anywhere). Then it was Simon Brett's birthday house party, where the beer failed to agree with the wine in Anna's stomach, subsequently sending her loopy. The fat joints we rolled in my room afterwards also made me rather loopy, until Mel emptied a glass of lemon cordial over my head.
Wednesday 16.29pm 2/2/2005 
Saw 'Meet the Fockers' today with Jon which was a good laugh, bought some Chinese New Year Lanterns, faffed about town not doing much. Jesus Im getting fed up with Canterbury. What has been helping me through the gloom however, has been the above album, Annie's 'Anniemal', which is supposed to be released in March but somehow Play.com sent it to me early. Its fantastic, a cross between Air and Bjork but with a twist of pop. Great stuff. Mel has just called me from Asda asking whether Id like to get drunk, now. Over and out folks!
Tuesday 19.10pm 1/2/2005
Today I purchased the DVD of 'Clue', the 1980's Tim Curry classic based on the popular board game. Tonight I shall watch it in the company of Anna and a joint, as our week of sleuthing continues. For the past three nights we have watched three full-length episodes of Poirot, and tonight calls for a change of pace: a comedic approach to murder! This Saturday is another Chalet house party, and Henrietta tells me that Fab, Beth and even Liz might be coming! Brilliant!
Sunday 11.30am 30/1/2005
This week has been all about Pig Fucker cocktails, street sign theft, Hercule Poirot and bad dancing, mostly. Yesterday I purchased some weed off Celine, havent done that in ages but it was a worthwhile investment, it takes precious little to get me stoned. I also get to use my bong which I havent done in a long time. This morning there was an envelope outside my door and a kitchen knife spattered with strawberry jam. Addressed to Poirot and signed Marple, it contained a letter and polaroid of Anna's boyfriend Chris naked on the kitchen floor with "THIEF" scrawled across his chest (jam again). I hastened to venture into the kitchen, only to discover to my horror the outline of a body etched into the tiles with a pink Stabilo pen. Other clues at the scene of the crime were a spliff stub and an ink fingerprint. Anna and Chris were either very stoned, very drunk, high on life or very bored last night. Utter lunacy. But, mon ami, the case continues...
"For Ze Leetle Grey Cells"Sunday 15.03pm 23/1/2005
I'd rather not go into the shameful details of Friday night in Brick Lane, suffice to say that at the time I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Having seven glasses of wine at Lucy's photography show before lunch is partly to blame. Last night I went with Sally to Penny's house party. They're always very welcoming occasions, something to do with the comfy sofas, clouds of hashish and quirky drama students. Heard some great Jewish jokes, too.
Friday 12.28pm 21/1/2005
Cork is a beautiful city, the bars are great, too. It was very surreal, apart from the accents and the public smoking ban (I am actually for it now, I had about 2 fags on one bender), it felt very much like being back in England, except I was in fact in another country. Not very eloquently put, but you get the idea. Learnt lots of Cork slang too, like 'knacker', which is their word for chav. Hilda's housemates were a good laugh, its definitely true what they say about Cork girls. Oh and I wasn't able to bonk the Blarney stone, as to get to it you have to be upside down, but I did slip some tongue. Upon my return to Canterbury I checked my emails and discovered Phil's new website, and to my horror witnessed some truly disgusting pictures from our New Year's shindig in Putney. To your left is the best picture of the bunch, because you cannot see my face.
"Ramblings of a Wandering Mind"
Tuesday 17.58pm 18/1/2004
Yesterday I received my DVD copy of 'Drop Dead Fred' from Play.com, and had the pleasure of watching it about 5 years after my last viewing, and I can tell you now that it is still one of the best movies ever made. Rarely does a film make me laugh whilst simultaneously warming the cockles. A real treasure. Being the culture vulture that I am, tomorrow Im going to Cork to bonk the Blarney stone and go on a piss-up with Paris chums Keira, Cliona and Hilda. 'Langers' is Cork slang for twatted, don't you know... Sunday 12.46pm 16/1/2005
On Friday I went to Brighton to enjoy a night on the tiles with Beth and Liz from Paris. Now, Ive heard quite a lot about Liz recently and how apparently she has 'changed'. The Liz I knew was reserved, stern and threatened to move out of her Paris apartment over a Kinder egg wrapper. The Liz I met in the club, however, was a complete nutter. The transformation was incredible. Outrageous dancing, pint stealing, smuggling a daquiri into a chip shop to use as a ketchup dip, throwing chips at a tramp, the list goes on. Unbelievable. Beth has assured me that she has been like this ever since she ditched 'the pill'. She also wants a boob job. It was nice going back to Brighton, I have missed its air of wackiness and off the wall populace. I shall go back again soon.
Friday 12.31pm 14/1/2005
Yesterday it was Sally's birthday, so I cooked a delicious roast for everyone. We even sat around a table. It was looking rather decadent until after about an hour Rachel wheeled in the vodka and Bols Blue, Anna got her Polaroid out, and Dave got his dick out. Rather than go down to the pub and meet everyone else, we stayed in the kitchen for most of the night downing shots and posing for dreadful photographs. Alex then got into a row with our cab driver, so we had to walk to the Venue. After this, I remember nothing.
Wednesday 19.39pm 12/1/2005
I have just overheard something at work, you must hear it. A woman on a desk near mine just told a customer over the phone that each kosher meal is blessed by a rabbi before it is loaded onto the train. True, but isn't it hilarious?!
Monday 12.49pm 10/1/2005
Phew. I am absolutely knackered. New Year's was the usual bilious, dewy eyed, dancing-like-a-prat-to-Atomic-Kitten's-cover-of-Ladies-Night freak show of retarded revellers, and I don't remember much more than that. The New Years day morning flight to Budapest was painful, the palaces, castles and cheap beer of Prague a delight, and the Bauhaus cinder block architecture of Berlin dull (left) but the nightlife swank. Ana and I then got the plane back to Norwich where we had a company dinner at the football stadium. Free bar! The champagne was awful but the roulette a treat. Next day, 6th hangover of 2005, went to London and got the Eurostar to Paris (first class, another free bar) and met up with Fab, Mike, Beth and the Brown students and got very hammered. Went to bed at 7am. Woke up 3 hours later to go back to Canters where I stupidly went to Simple Simon's and subjected myself to a pint of Biddenden's. As you may have already guessed, today I feel positively shit.
"German Jokery"
