Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish!
Tuesday 13.30pm 28/12/2004
A bit annoyed that neither Short Circuit 2 nor Drop Dead Fred, two of my childhood 'event' movies, were on the telly this crimbo. I did, however, catch an episode of Midsomer Murders and Absolutely Fabulous, which, unfortunately, wasn't very good. Aunty June had her moments though. So far this week, myself and my Eurostar colleagues have taken to refferring to each other using stupid old French names. At the moment I am Anatole. Kathy is now Georgette. Funny how working in an office environment brings out the shittiest sense of humour in oneself. Tomorrow, after I have escaped Ashford, I will go to see a play with Gools, Lemony Snicket with Scott, and get wasted on Putney Bridge for the New Year celebrations. But first of all, I really must get my CV sorted out if there's going to be any chance of me going to America in the future. Ah Johnny-5, wasn't he a legend?
"Classic Cinema"Boxing Day 11.35am 26/12/2004
Christmas in the Isle of Wight was the same as usual. Got stupidly drunk and can't remember any of the presents I received. I can't believe Im in Ashford 'Trashford' on Boxing day. There should be a law against these things. Not even the Colonel's Secret Recipe� can cheer me up.
Thursday 19.06pm 23/12/2004
The face of Putney is slowly being erased. The Saffas keep pouring in, and the townies have been booted out. Mayfayre Meats, Putney's last butcher, has been replaced by another Snoggy's sandwich bar. Miscellaneous Furnishings, a shonky little shop run by a one-eyed old biddy who looked like a cross between Mags Thatcher and a Stegosaurus (and who probably sold Mogwais), has been shut down. There is now also a travel agents that buys property in Putney for residents of Johannesburg and Cape Town. I'm going to meet Ronnie now down the pub so we can mull over how horrible it all is. And throw peanuts at the Saffas.
"Snoggy's"Tuesday 15.32pm 21/12/2004
This week I have been mostly eating: 7 KFC's, 2 McDonald's, 1 Jaspers Pizza, 1 Wetherspoons Breakfast and a couple of pasta dishes. I have drunk 2 litres of coke, half a bottle of cordial, 7 Smirnoff Ices, 1 litre of White Lightning, half a pint of Hoegarden, 1 bottle of wine, about twelve whiskey and cokes and five vodka lemonades and a glass of orange juice.
Sunday 12.07pm 19/12/2004
Yesterday it was Rob's 30th birthday so we all celebrated with a dinner at Super Noodle Bar, outside which a girl was stabbed to death the night before. A very awkward first hour, but the horrid wine got us jovial. We then piled into Spoons for cheap drinks and then Westbar for vodka shots. So yeah basically it was the same old story, we got trashed in The Works, and yet again Vanessa and I threw beer at each other. The gang disbanded, people got lost, and Rachel was tweaking on the coke. Eventually however, we regrouped but got completely soaked in the torrential downpour that greeted our exit. A great night out. Other news: I recently discovered that Metro Tartan have opened up another distribution wing in America, based in California. God I hope I get that job. New York or Los Angeles? Hmm...
Friday 13.44pm 17/12/2004
Last night myself, Celine and Tino went to the Cherry Tree. Whilst ruminating over our Pig Fucker cocktails we reminisced about our first year pub crawls. We then proceeded to drink even more at the Beercart with Morgan, Nick, Jeff, Luke, Steve and the Dark Lord. On this one occasion I decided to bring my camera (with b/w film) to take some snaps of everyone as its rare that I find time to go to the Beercart on Thursdays, which seems to be the only time when Celine gets smashed. The night was going splendidly until a whiff of petrol alerted my nostrils... My lighter had cracked inside my satchel, I was a fire hazard! I subsequently freaked out and dropped my camera - kerplunk - into my pint. Shit. Celine then realised she had left her phone inside the car of her dealer. Nick was ranting about a girl he was unable to chat up. The Dark Lord's new haircut was baffling everybody. Reader, we were all going nuts. And it had absolutely nothing to do with us being sloshed off our tits.
Wednesday 18.10pm 15/12/2004
Hmm, well Ive spent the enitire day in the library writing up on my documentary, I bought a book for �16 (!), have considered finally quitting smoking, this time for Lent, and last but not least, Ive decided to stop drinking Tia Maria and White Lightning, and start consuming an alcoholic beverage that balances the currency scales. Of course, this would have to be J&B Scotch, but you can't get that here (How I miss Paris!). My second choice would be Beefeater or Gordon's, but for fear of crying my eyes out over animal cruelty (a nasty habit of mine when sloshed on gin), this would be best avoided. What to do? Other news: I made a rather stupid blunder on Friendster, mistaking an actor from California for my old friend Alex's brother who is in Australia. The similarity was uncanny I tell you. A conspiracy perhaps? Friendster is a funny thing, I can never seem to fathom its relevance, yet it is impossible not to take an interest. Am I a nosey-parker? A sociopath, perhaps? Answers on the back of a postcard.
Monday 7.01pm 22/11/2004
I was having a great time cosying up with Miss Marple last night and what should ruin the whole evening but another one of those blasted 'scientifically proven' adverts! Shampoo that contains 'Nutriluim' (!) It made me so cross that people could be so gullible as to believe this guff that it inspired me to point out that the forbidden fruit is always sweeter. Take a look at the above products, pass your mouse over them, and tell me which you would rather consume, despite the hidden 'dangers'. Told you so. 
Sunday 8.13pm 12/12/2004
What a boring week. An essay on Sartre to do by Friday, an exam tomorrow, and a 3-month diary to do by Thursday, (yes you guessed it, not even started that) but I just can't seem to pull myself away from my Frasier DVD box set. Not been out on a bender for ages now, popyacherry is calling my name...
Tuesday 17.55pm 7/12/2004
Hmm. Eurostar have honoured my hard work and dedication with a �30 bonus on this month's wages. The fools. Tonight myself, Celine, Morgan, Tino and a few more are going out for a few bevvies with Mike. He quit his job selling golf caddies and is off to Bangkok tomorrow. Eventhough he berated me for putting on Rachel Stevens' excruciatingly brilliant 'More More More' at the house party, he shall be missed.
Monday 20.03pm 6/12/2004
Yet again the Chalet house party was a roaring success. The original theme was Gothy Xmas, but as expected it turned out being a bunch of pissheads in black eyeliner doing the charleston to Girls Aloud's 'Love Machine'. However, as is the norm, the scum in Canterbury's primordial soup rose to the surface and reared its ugly head, this time in the form of three pill-heads (last time it was a pair of paving slab smashing, doorknob stealing bikers). The gurning lip chewer in question managed to empty his insides onto the oven, inside the washing machine, and on Heather and the DarkLord, and then laughed when told what a dick head he was. Guess which sorry shmo had to clean up the ming :( We threw them out three times yet still they came back, one even took a picture of Alex's sister vomiting into a pint glass. I also found a turd inside a plastic cup, although we are still not sure who was responsible for this heinous crime. Anyway, we all had a lot of fun and our neighbours congratulated us with a tin of custard. Yesterday I was duped into attending a gig/stand up comedy night at Local Hero Records, which turned out to be a gathering for the Christian Union. The show was okay, but as expected the usual gushing preachery was shoehorned in between. Tonight I am not going to popyacherry (GASP! Cries the nation...) but rather I am going to stay in and mull over my credit card statements with only Frasier and Tia Maria for company. Just the way I like it.
Friday 19.17pm 3/12/2004
Birmingham was brilliant! The Brummie accent is hilarious, I love it. Broomay! Tomorrow is the "Have A Gothy Xmas" house party at the Chalet. Its going to be a hoot.
Tuesday 12.15pm 30/11/2004
Tomorrow Im going up to Birmingham to see Tom and also film his testimonial for the documentary Jon and I are making for our final project. Its about drink spiking. If you are reading this and have experienced this phenomenon first hand, or heard anything relating to it through friends and family, let me know! On a lighter note, Ronnie told me the other day that she met Tessa Jowell! Apparently she looks like a right tart, and wears jumpers with holes in them.
Sunday 10.08am 28/11/2004
On Friday I went up to London to get pissed with Elina and Clare in Camden. Apart from alcoholism, lesbianism and acid we also discussed and reflected upon the many mornings we spent in the Alcoholics Pub in Paris. 3 bottles of red wine, a few sambuca shots and a revolting kebab later, we crashed at Clare's, where I met her housemate Maxine who was in my sixth form college. We both remembered a discussion about Kettle Crisps which was never concluded, so we did just that. Last night, at Penny's house party, I politely brought along a bottle of White Lightning. Unfortunately it did not prove as popular as it did at Tino's party last month, the evidence of which you can witness here.
Thursday 12.59pm 25/11/2004
Look at this email I received from Alex, who is currently somewhere off the coast of Tasmania: "Hey everyone soz I can't be more personal, just to send a real quick e-mail to say, hope you're all well, i've passed my open water ssI course on the witsundays. On Keppel island at the moment just off Rockhampton doin some jet skiing, awsome fun, take care speak soon, Alex." Of course I have never heard of Keppel island and haven't the faintest clue where Rockhampton is, suffice to say that it is extremely hot and a lot of fun. The bastard.
Monday 7.01pm 22/11/2004
Above are some singles and albums that I have recently purchased, and they're all brilliant! Well, except for Kasabian who are okay but ridiculously overrated. And another thing, did you know that Rachel Stevens is a JEW!? Incredible! 
Sunday 3.43pm 21/11/2004
Another weekend of street sign theft. This has got to stop. Apart from tomorrow night and perhaps Thursday, alcohol is out of bounds. Although I rather stupidly purchased a litre of Tia Maria yesterday.
Friday 6.12pm 19/11/2004
This week has consisted mainly of Jon and I shooting and editing our project, and excessive alcoholism. As regards immature drunken activities, there are too many to list, but I think the events of Wednesday night set the general theme: After too many B52's at Allberry's, Danni, Mel and I proceeded to berate the staff at Munchies for not providing cutlery, collapse into a gutter and then hitch a ride home on a milkfloat. Last night I met Scragg in the Beercart and he gave me the ACTUAL trailer for Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid which he stole from Cineworld - WooHoo! Tonight I might be going to KIAD because apparently it is rock night. This weekend I am going to dye my hair back to brown. The "Smurf/Team Rocket/Phyllis out of Corrie" insults have gone on for long enough.
Monday 17.57pm 15/11/2004
On Friday Nat from Paris was in Canters using and abusing the campus library, so she gave me a lift to London's Leicester Square in her yellow Mini, and we grooved to the smooth tunes of Britney's Greatest Hits album. Rather than watch a certain snake movie we had arranged to watch together MONTHS in advance, we saw Toolbox Murders, which did pretty much what it said on the tin. Nat actually wanted to see Alfie. Jesus Christ! On Saturday I went to Norwich to see The Thrills and The Dead 60's with Ana. After 3 litres of White Lightning and 8 cans of Carlsberg we stormed the gig, met her pal Tom, and proceeded to make utter idiots of ourselves in a rock club mosh pit. Thankfully the next day Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid was showing at the local multiplex, ample brain food for the discerning hangover. It was great. The cold buttered popcorn, however, was not. Sickness ensued as I festered in Ana's flat for another night, with only out of date pasta sauce and Sex and the City reruns for solace. Marvellous weekend, though.
"Disgusting Critters"
Wednesday 10.33am 10/11/2004
On Monday night we all ended up at popyacherry, again, at the Works. After far too many black sambuca shots, the evening spiralled into a mire of sticky skinned lechery and garbled shitspeak. Dave fell arse over tit on the dancefloor whilst attempting to seduce a lady of leisure, and some prat lamely attempted to start on me because I pinched his girlfriend's bum, who was actually up for it, the filthy tart. While the others piled into a taxi at 2am, Dave and I decided to walk it, and for the first time ever I did not experience the 'magic hour' alone! We arrived back at the Chalet at 3am, apparently. Dave has failed to enlighten me as to what the fuck happened during that hour.
Monday 13.03am 8/11/2004
Hells Bells! What's this about then? Seems as though the sexy Juniors/S Club 8ers have been jettisoned in favour of shunting the two sexiest to the fore, Frankie and Calvin that is. And what's all this 'dreaming' business about, eh? Not happy at all about this, but I shall withhold judgement until I have listened to the single.
"I'm a Heretic, what are you?"Sunday 9.26am 7/11/2004
Last night Pip was in Canterbury and we all celebrated his birthday by going on a mammoth pub crawl. We started in Westbar at seven thirty, and then at ten o'clock we went across the road to the Hobgoblin. Impressive, no? After gate crashing Asslan's party for about two minutes, I continued to swagger home, White Lightning in hand, with the rest of the merry crew. After watching a bonfire with Alex (why do people do this? a very silly tradition) and then getting booted out of Tino's house I passed out, in my bed thankfully. This morning was going extremely well, the shower I had was a great success. I managed to put my socks on without falling over, too. And then just when I had finished my bowl of Clusters I came upon the grisly remains of Dave's Fray Bentos pie. I ran out of the house and vomited in the street. And to make matters worse, a cat appeared and started lapping it up. Of course, being harbingers of bad luck, it was no surprise that I missed my train.
Thursday 13.44pm 4/11/2004
"You know, I don't think there's ever going to be an end to evil" Tuesday 11.24am 2/11/2004
This week I am going to be a recluse. No social life, no night life, no life. This is a week for study, reflection and future planning. No booze, no jokes, no drugs, no recreation. Just good old fashioned hard labour. Why? Smuggling an empty wine bag into the Venue (christened 'Valda' thanks to Neighbours) and proceeding to fellate it in full view of dolled up freshers is not clever, nor funny, nor sane. Immediate remedial action is required. Don't I look awful? 
Monday 5.25pm 1/11/2004
Completely knackered after a long weekend of booze abuse, fake blood and bad dancing. Hannah, Loz and the Dark Lord came to Canterbury and we all went to the Venue (twice) and had a blast, nursing our hangovers with Jumping Jack Flash and bacon sarnies. I might go to popyacherry at the Works tonight, depending on which z-list celeb is going to turn up. Groan...
Thursday 4.24pm 28/10/2004
Im extremely cross today, just like Bowser here. Eurostar are paying me a week late, the short film Im making with Jon is utterly stupid, Im broke, I wasn't credited for my article in KRED, the Sorbonne claim that I was not enrolled last year and worst of all, Ana has changed her mind about coming to Canterbury, without informing me, even Loz still hasn't contacted me. I am so utterly pissed off, I want to throw up. Might have something to do with the Ket I did with Jon in the Venue last night - oops! On the brighter side of things, Nesquik is going to be here for the weekend to celebrate her birthday (it didn't go too well in Brussels - gonna cheer her up) so we are all going to relive our first year Halloween night out. Eventhough Ana, James and Loz aren't turning up, the Halloween food and drink I bought won't go to waste. Myself and the chalet crew are going to have a bonding dinner. Also, we are going to the Works on Saturday, Heather's bash on Sunday and afterwards, Penny's party in the woods. Things are looking up!
"Pissed Off"Wednesday 8.19am 27/10/2004
Creepy little critter isn't he? What you are looking at is the Pine Marten, which a decade ago was declared extinct. Recently, however, this foraging infidel has been spotted around the Yorkshire Moors, and conservationists are trying to lure him into traps using jam sandwiches. When you read a story as silly as this, you begin to wonder how incredibly stupid we, the human race, have become. Luring what is nothing more than a glorified CAT into an expensive and utterly pointless conservation scheme - using jam sandwiches. What a waste of time, money and resources, and we have nothing to gain from this tomfoolery. Surely Tessa Jowell's behind all this? 
Tuesday 10.26am 26/10/2004
Last night (I know, its getting very repetitive) myself and the Chalet crew went to the Works. Alex pulled Henrietta, I accidentally emptied a vodka coke onto my (nude) crotch in the toilet, the excellent Pop Ya Cherry girls emptied spirits down our throats, and Dave ended up fucking another fresher. I am currently on campus and history has well and truly repeated itself: non-existent lecture. So here I am again, sitting in the library like a lemon, tired, hungry, and with a stinking crotch. But hark! I have just read an e-mail from Liz (remember her? From Paris?). Last night she got wasted in Sittingbourne (yuck) and tried to break into her ex-boyfriend's house at 3am. Failing this, she ended up putting her shoe through his letter box and sauntered off home. Bloody marvellous.
Sunday 10.03am 24/10/2004
Last night it was Tino's birthday, and to celebrate we all got really smashed. I can't really describe what it was like as I can't remember much of it, but his brother and sister were there, and Nick and Morgan were there, and so were Mike and the Norwegians. At some point I managed to smuggle Rachel Stevens' More More More inside his flat, and we all danced merrily. Then Tino got his guitar out and we all sang some Green Day, Oasis and Britney. A great time was had by all. This morning however, has been incredibly shit. I'm trying to speak to customers in French but it just isn't happening. I blame the White Lightning.
"Box Office Gold"Tuesday 10.19am 19/10/2004
Last night myself and Jade and Jon went to the Works to see Bradley from S Club 7 who really dug my S club juniors shirt and a picture was taken which Im sure will turn up on popyacherry.com like the Marco one. This morning I went up to uni drunk to a lecture that doesn't exist so I basically just stood outside the library trying to smoke a fag next to this chav girl who was on the phone talking about curtains and an English lecturer from my first year passed by and I got really paranoid so Im now on the computers without a fucking clue as to why Im here and not in bed. 11.10am update: Can you believe it Im still fucking here...
Monday 12.59pm 18/10/2004
Recently sales of paper shredders have increased by 150% in Japan, due to a customer privacy legislation that was passed three months ago. Apparently the nation is now in turmoil, with even noodle bars and sake vendors having to destroy reams of customer credit data. I think the Japanese have kind of missed the point here. This law should have been passed yonks ago, and should be readily adopted internationally. Can't they see? Shredding paper is just so much fucking FUN! Sunday 12.51pm 17/10/2004
Last night Tom, Joel and Mark came down to Canters and we all went up to the Venue to see Dan from Big Brother, who was the guest DJ (YES! WE ARE SAD!) although secretly Anna and I went solely because we wanted to dance to Rachel Stevens' unbelievably
shitace 'More more more', which they didn't even play. The S Club Juniors shirt was a hit, although some of the freshers did call me 'sick', but what do they know? I then got incredibly drunk and was eventually thrown out. I am now lolling about the office at Eurostar with an awful headache, my arms covered in cuts and sugar all over my jumper.Thursday 19.08pm 14/10/2004
Yesterday I went to Capisce, a club in Mayfair where I met up with Natalia who is visiting from Paris, and Neil and Gavin. Lots of bad dancing from khaki/check-shirt donning Germans. It was a good laugh although the prices of London drinks never cease to amaze me. And as if this blast from my Parisian past wasn't enough, Beth and Clement are coming over for dinner! Henrietta will be supplying the booze of course, so we shall get thoroughly smashed. Can't wait. Oh, and I got a terrific birthday present from Ana: a t-shirt with I FUCKED THE S CLUB JUNIORS BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS emblazoned across the front. The fucking genius of it all!
Monday 12.39pm 11/10/2004
Jacques Derrida 1930 - 2004 "My solitude is an alphabet of squirrels." Janet Leigh 1927 - 2004 "I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare." Christopher Reeve 1952 - 2004 "So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable. " Friday 12.47pm 8/10/2004
"Is your sofa slowly poisoning you?" "Cremated? Alive?" "So Marge, you're here for your hernia?" These, reader, are some precious soundbites I gleaned from great hangover TV today: Phillip Schofield, Sunset Beach and Nadia Sawalha gaily gambolling around a hospital ward. But why the hangover? Yesterday I got pissed with my grandma on the Isle of Wight, guzzling white wine, chowing fish pie and pestering her blind dog, followed by catching up with Gio and Barney at Scott's house (not seen them in 3 years) and then getting mashed at Elina and Bene's in Edgware Road. The total cost of all this japery? About �100. Let's face it, social life is a bloody rip-off.
Tuesday 10.16am 5/10/2004
I thought I would dedicate today's entry to Julia, who is proudly adorning the front cover of Naked Magazine, which is out now priced at �4.95. She is a zombie nurse from Hell, apparently. We are going to Barfly in Camden on Friday as I have to interview The Glitterati for KRED magazine (Upmarket uni rag), which I am very much looking forward to, I just need to find my dictaphone. Other plans this week include the Isle of Wight, going to see Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap with Gools, finding out what cinema in Wandsworth is showing 'Saw' and a fond farewell to Bonnie who is buggering off to New Zealand. She will be missed, but back soon hopefully. Yesterday I cosied up with one too many glasses of cheap wine and my new DVD of The Relic. After years of frustrating fuzziness and incessant squinting, the magic of the Disc has brought me a newfound appreciation for this fantastic (and arguably my fave) movie. If you are reading this and have not watched this gem, do so right now you ignorant twat.
"Hollywood Jesus"Monday 1.07pm 4/10/2004
I have spent precious time which would have been better spent studying, listing my top 101 songs of all time. You can give them a quick peruse by clicking on the 'Choons' tab above. Am now off to the uni radio station to bag a slot, fingers crossed...
