Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish! Wednesday 15.57pm 29/9/2004
Hilarious! Go to Argos.co.uk and type in 'CHAV'. They sure know their customers. Tuesday 13.04pm 28/9/2004
Last night I went to the Works with Alex and my new Chalet housemates Danni, Anna and Sally. It was Pop Ya Cherry night and of course we all got pretty trashed. What we did not forsee however, was Big Brother 5's Marco, slouched in a dingy corner taking photographs with boozed up chav bints. After slurping several �1 Vodka Red Bulls and cherry shots we gamely attempted to hold a conversation with the fame junkie, and failed spectacularly. Even on a second try it was clear he was wasted and just wanted to go home. Bless. Monday 11.18pm 27/9/2004
Piss on the walls, blocked toilet, chewing gum in the plug hole, bleach on the towels, mud in the kitchen, broken shower, missing door handles, kicked in door and about 100 people NOT dressed EuroTrash, one of whom was a wanker from Finland. Was it all worth it? Oh yes.
Friday 3.24pm 24/9/2004
Behold the legendary pop duo Jemini, the Eurovision 2003 UK entry that heroically bagged the coveted 'null poeng', which is Norwegian for 'nul points' which is French for fucking awful. But then everyone knows that we weren't given any points because there was that war thing going on at the time. Not because they were mind-blowingly shite. Obviously. Anyway, tomorrow is the Chalet Eurotrash house party and preparations are now fully underway. The outfits are being tailored, the hors d'oeuvres have been made and the White Lightning is sufficiently stockpiled. We have guests on the invite list of every colour and creed, from German exchange students to Czech au pairs. Choonage-wise, Greece will be represented by pants girl band Hi-5, France by paedo popstrel Priscilla, Russia by lady bummers T.a.T.u, and as for the UK? The sexylicious S Club Juniors, naturally.
Chalet Dance Mat Appeal 2004 If you are reading this and are in the ownership of a dancemat, whether it be the Pop Idol brand, S Club 8 brand or just bog-standard, please bring it to our house party. Put a smile on Whoopi's face, donate today.
The Eurovision Song Contest Drinking GameThursday 13.09pm 23/9/2004
Today has been quite surreal. Idly pottering about the Fresher's Fair scrounging for Kit Kats and Pot Noodles, and who do I bump into? Brechje, a Dutch girl who I first met at the Fresher's Fair in my first year, where we were both competing to see who could cram the most Evian bottles into their trousers. So we began chatting away, discussing France and how crap their uni's are and how much we had changed, and then this dude with a trolley full of Marmite crisps appears out of nowhere. Within seconds we were elbow deep in them, like a pack of crazed chavs, stuffing our jumpers and rucksacks with tons of the crap. Some things never change.
Monday 11.19am 18/08/2004
This past week has felt like one long, groggy hangover. In fact it was pretty much just that. Retrieving a can of Strongbow from beneath a newspaper stand, a dodgy hot dog paid for in euros, crawling about the Natural History museum, a stray cat vomiting in my room, squeezing into Julia's skirt, nicking a kebab poster, too many birthday parties and a lengthy discussion about fish fingers kind of sums up my week. There is also someone called 'Mirham+pav' in my phone. In other news, I saw a fantastically disgusting French movie (above) I'm telling you its revolting. See it. Got an email from Christine who is in Bavaria and has just finished touring the Eastern bloc. I am going to ask her for advice on where to go as Ana and I are going to be there in January! She has also told me that the Russians have an excellent sense of humour, which would explain the entry in my guestbook... (By the by, Fab is not a muscovite, rather, someone who once unwittingly prodded a nun's face with his erect member on an Italian train) Thursday 6.44pm 9/9/2004
I have received three birthday cards, all of which depict CATS in various terrifying poses. Thank you, Lynnie, Maz and Hannah! I fear this will become a habit. It feels very strange being a 'twentysomething', I feel I should be impelled to invite friends over for wine and sushi, chow on a bagel, discuss mouse mats, and purchase a belt at River Island. Frightening stuff. I can also say the same about this which was sent to me by Anna. The fucking bitch.
Tuesday 6.37pm 7/9/2004
Another paraletic birthday where nothing is remembered in the twilight hours of two till four in the morning. Ho hum. At the moment I am reading more of Tom Paine's short stories. To anyone who may take an interest in haunting yet beautiful narratives, I strongly recommend you check him out. Eurostar is going okay, rather dull but pay day is soon approaching. As usual, looking forward to the weekend.
Thursday 6.28pm 5/08/2004
My Saturday birthday Chalet bash is well under way, and its looking rosy. Gools is coming from London, and Bene and Etienne might be too, not seen them in ages. Ronnie should be coming which is great, alas Loz and Hannah will not. Not sure about Scott, and Scragg's not answering my texts. One thing is for sure though, I am going to get absolutely shit-faced. A recent trip, all expenses paid (Thank you Eurostar) to Lille allowed me to purchase ridiculously cheap sauce (Thank you Carrefour) and plus I managed to sneak a few Stellas and Sirrahs from the bevvie trolley on the journey back (Thank you Eurostar). Only the number of guests, bunking my 9am - 6pm Sunday shift and the Space Invaders/Pac Man tattoo I'm thinking of getting are on my mind at the moment. I have chosen to forget about debt this week.
"Retro Games of Yore"Wednesday 12.15pm 1/09/2004
Reading Festival Highlights: The Darkness, Franz Ferdinand, White Stripes, Green Day, 50 Cent getting bottled off stage, pissed Australian guy who got his knob out and collapsed in a puddle of his own wee. Lots of other fun things happened too, but alas, I haven't got the time to explain.
Tuesday 6.47pm 24/08/2004
Good News: Going to Reading on Saturday as well as Friday now, thanks to Ana. The Dark Lord's visit and Jim's birthday spruced up the week. Gemma is now, as Loz and Hannah would term it, a "Fake Friend". Bad News: Lost keys twice this week, including today. Will now have to get the ladder out again and convince the neighbours and chav pedestrians that I'm not a burglar.
Wednesday 6.20pm 18/08/2004
Apologies for the previous snide remarks. I was just in a foul mood, that is all. Another dull day at work, but there was one ray of light: Selfish, condescending, insular Worzel Gummidge/Vanessa Feltz lookeylikey Gemma was in a strop all day because nobody in the group likes her, and apparently she is quitting. So far, only this and watching Dr.Gillian McKeith prod fat people's bellies has made me laugh this week.
HATE CRIME:
There is an ugly cunt called Gemma in my Eurostar training course. I really can't tell you how much I hate her. She is the only person I have ever met who I genuinely think would be better off dead. Ugh!Saturday 4.49pm 14/08/2004
Unbelievably shit week for me. Was feeling quite down over the past few days, which is a rare thing for me, but Ive decided to forget about the debt, the work, personal problems and issues. Life's too short for shit like that. I have just discovered Xander's website! Xander was this Dutch guy (above) in Cannes who was a good laugh, I am going to start reading his journal from now on. I have put some of his photos, which are hilarious, into the pix section. I'm sorry for not telling you guys my stories about Cannes, there really was so much, but I appear to have forgotten most of it now. Besides, the pictures really do tell them better.
Thursday 4.25pm 5/08/2004
Met up with Tim today and FINALLY he made me a mix CD. He then told me that the mixing was pretty crap because he didnt have much time to make it. Oh well, its the thought that counts. Supposed to be going to a pub quiz with Bonnie and Ronnie but I spent what little money I had left on a Bad Boys II DVD, so not sure I can afford to go. Bar Coast is now in the process of being demolished, soon to be replaced by, wait for it... a Wagamama's! Arrrrrgh! Have a good balk at this hopeless Yank's webjournal. She listens to Tindersticks and has a cat named Foucault, as if those weren't obvious enough pointers that she would frequent such a yuppie magnet.
"Bohemian Bollocks"Wednesday 4.34pm 4/08/2004
Managed to stretch my one-day travelcard quite far yesterday. Lunch with Lynsey under Nelson's column, a pint with Gools in Chancery lane, a few more pints and a pastry with Martine in Kingston and finally a pint with Ronnie back in Putney. Tonight I am going to Bracknell to have a few pints with Alex, who is going to to Hong Kong soon. This morning my brother left for Morocco and I have received a text from Scott saying he is, for some weird reason, in Pennysylvania. Another Alex I know has also decided to go and live in Dubai. Feeling quite shitty that I'm going back to Canterbury this weekend. On another note, the heat is really pissing me off. Counting the days till winter... Monday 2.32pm 2/08/2004
Went to Sussex for a barbecue with the family. It was a rather awkward experience, but after a few beers and glasses of red wine, we all eased up a bit and everything was going fine until I agreed to go with my brother and cousins into Brighton, to an Rn'B club no less. Listening to all their future plans, about finance and mortgages and marriage, was a little scary (I myself couldn't give a shit!) so I ended up drinking myself into a stupor, alone that is. Oh, and Lucy is a Nissan. Phew!
Friday 12.45pm 19/07/2004
Off to London soon. Tino's N64 is no longer in my posession, so I am considering bringing my Nes to Canterbury, relive the good times of yore, and all that. Didn't bother going to Anglian to sell more windows, I simply cannot bring myself to do it any more. I just want a job that pays cash in hand, is that too much to ask? (And no, I am not going to whore myself)
"Wicked Website"Wednesday 12.05pm 28/07/2004
Being broke has its perks. Last night I stayed in and watched some fantastic telly, namely Wife Swap, Big Brother and You Are What You Eat, aforementioned being the best of the bunch because its about a hard-nosed Scottish bitch giving colonic irrigation to fat slobs and slagging them off for how unhealthy their poo is.
Monday 1.21pm 26/07/2004
Aside from dancing about a lamppost and vomiting outside Simple Simon's (thanks to White Lightning, Biddenden's and Curacao), the week has been good. Pip visited for a while, providing much drunken entertainment, although I don't remember much. Celine has arrived in Canterbury, looking very different and healthy. I got the job at Eurostar too, but it has come a little late as I desperately need to put cash into my four credit/debit accounts. This weekend I go back to London to help my mum move into her new place. She keeps referring to a 'Lucy'. What could this mean?
Worst case scenario: Lucy is a CAT. Friday 11.52am 23/07/2004
Last night I had a dream where I kept trying to light fags but then realising they were stubs. Not had a cigarette for a week now. Still broke, really need to get drunk soon, it hurts. Yesterday I went to Ashford for my Eurostar interview, which went well, and hung out with Scragg and Franco, it was good to see them again. We went to see Farenheit 9/11 which was surprisingly good ie:excellently edited, but apart from the Florida vote rigging, the whole theory that Moore sets out is so much to swallow that it needs a second viewing to really form an opinion. Apart from that, I left the cinema feeling ashamed of being a part of the human race, and disgusted at our actions towards others. It made me feel extremely insignificant. Wednesday 2.14pm 21/07/2004
I have an interview with Eurostar tomorrow. I have sold two windows and a garage door. I threw away my unfilled application form for Starbucks. Things are looking up, thank god.
Monday 1.34pm 19/07/2004
Looking for a job here in Canterbury is soul crushing, I even resorted to picking up an application form at Clinton Cards. But now for the good news. Graduation was brilliant, saw everybody from my first and second years, went to the Venue, got trashed, had a wicked time and it was great seeing everybody again. I have also given up smoking, on my fifth day now! Yesterday myself, Bex and Mel went to see Spiderman 2, which was okay, but the highlight was the trailer for 'Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid' aka 'Anaconda 2 but without J-Lo'. What a colourful title, it looks like its going to be fantastic!
"Ha ha, its a pythong!"
Monday 5.38pm 12/07/2004
I am broke. I am in Kent. I have a job selling double glazing. Wednesday 4.51pm 7/07/2004
Got back from Sardinia yesterday, was most fucking ace, beached it quite a bit, boozed it quite a bit, and Ana and I made complete arses out of ourselves by murdering Bohemian Rhapsody in an Italian karaoke bar where, surprisingly, you are supposed to sing properly. How very very dull! Best blag so far, which tops the 2 nights free stay in Keynes two summers ago with Hannah, is me flying back with Ryanair on someone else's ticket, Yee ha! Thank you very much, Paul Betton. Your kindness will not be forgotten. Going back to Canters asap, because I have no cash and need to earn some. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but we shall see.
