Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish! Friday 3.48pm 25/06/2004
Went to see 'The Ladykillers' (so-so) with Scott and Marsha the other day, then got pissed and randomly decided to join Pablo (who I havent seen in FOUR years) in Oxford Circus. Hung out for quite some time, heard some shocking stories about old school chums, did some (cough) and arranged to go out tonight in Putney, in a stupid swank bar no less, but it will be fun to see old friends. Just saw Tim, who let me listen to some of his mixes and also showed me a poem of his, which was excellent. Going to Norwich tomorrow to see Ana and then, Sardinia, baby!
Tuesday 12.18pm 22/06/2004
Above are some of the singles and albums I purchased yesterday, and they're all brilliant. Going back to London now, not looking forward to it very much. Meeting up with Scober and Gools will be some relief, and my departure for Sardinia is next Tuesday, so all is not lost! Applied for a job at Eurostar today, made up some great stories in the customer service questionnaire. 
Sunday 12.37pm 20/06/2004
Escaped London to Miriam's 21st birthday bash in Canterbury. Got wasted. Fermented for a little while in the chalet. Went to the Works. Got wasted. Currently fermenting in Lynsey's room, looking through old uni photos. I threw her cactus out of the window, because she didnt look after mine while I was away. Both cactii are now dead. Tonight is Mike's birthday and Tino will be coming down. Will doubtless get wasted and be in here again tomorrow, fermenting...
"Very interesting, have your say!"Thursday 1.07pm 17/06/2004
This week has been unbelievably rubbish. My summer holiday is no more, Barclays have refused to extend my overdraft. Morocco and Tunisia and the charity scheme are now goners. Moving out of the house tomorrow, a virus on our PC that somehow got us a 400 quid phone bill, my uncle going to court, my folks ranting and raving the whole damn time and Im kind of stuck in the middle of it all, trying to listen to what Jo Brand has to say on ITV's 'Loose Women' (when I'm not on the phone to BT, Thames Water or my cunt of an uncle - the other one). Worst of all, Shobo, a wonderful girl I knew at uni in my first and second years, has died in a car accident in Iraq. I will always remember her smile and how she was always happy and laughing.
STUPID DRUNKEN RANT
Ive had enough! I don't care! Who gives a shit if public school wankers want to proclaim their social heirarchy on the top deck of the N22, let's give 'em hell! Now listen here, Im pissed, but, if I rememember correctly, those fuckers started it, only problem is, I don't know how or when it ended, but I think it had something to do with Hammersmith bus station. THOSE DICK HEADS! What a bunch of prats, if only I could remember what happened! Listen here, bone idle web surfer, I mean it! I am very pissed and VERY pissed, if that makes sense. Oh, whats the use? Basically I got into a row with a bunch of public school boys on the night bus and hurled a lot of fucking abuse, I dont remember much and I regret every minute of it. Im sorry. Happy now? Those dick heads! What gives them the right!? Eh? BASTARDS! COCK SUCKING VAGINA SUPPING LADY WHORES! Eat my penis cheese, toss pots. Conversation closed. Fuck off.Tuesday 2.12pm 15/06/2004
I hate yuppies, I hate 'Londonites' and I hate fresh off the airbus South Africans who queue at Lloyd's, day in day out, to wire cash from Daddy's account (pronounced "I can't") back in Jo'burg. Revel, reader, in the multi-cultural snobbo diversity that is now, Putney. Bar Coast and The Quill have been demolished, where are the chavs and scraggy old alcoholics going to go now? Bargain Books, where I just bought four Lawrence Block novels for three pounds, is closing down, and the kebab shop outside the station is now "Snoggy's", a 'sandwich bistro' with, count 'em, THREE South Africa flags flapping about its uber-trendy facade. Starfucks have mango frappuccino's. Art galleries on Lower Richmond Road. The local Thresher's has even sold out of Jacob's Creek! Its a fucking disgrace. 
Saturday 5.50pm 6/06/2004
Back in the UK. Ive had my fill of fish & chips, old friends and the great British sense of humour, yet despite returning to all the things Ive been pining for, I'm missing Paris and all the amazing people that made the year so special, a helluva lot right now.
Tuesday 2.04pm 8/06/2004
Lately Ive been sulking, and last night I revisited the jazz bar and then the cheap bar for the very last time. The barman at the latter, a top bloke I might add, dished out as many free whiskeys as I wanted, now there's something you don't get in the UK. Lots of thoughts and ideas clogging up my neuro hard drive at the moment, such as summer hols, getting a job and future plans. Its all happening rather too quickly. Goodbye Paris, thanks for the memories! NB: I just coughed and there is now a blob of phlegm fizzing in my coke. Hmm, symbolic?
"Ugh!"Sunday 3.37pm 6/06/2004
Due to random urgencies which have cropped up back home in London, I am leaving Paris scarily sooner than expected, Thursday! This called for drastic action so last night I got wasted and was quite possibly the most embarrassing drunk in the history of Parisian bum-dom. I really don't want to go into it. For the next few days I am going to vegetate at Nat's place, revising for some exams that I am going to fail. Beginning to look back on the good times, nostalgia, gammy-eyed optimism, memories of annoying French things and kebabs. Now going off to give English lessons to a sweet little munchkin whose mum is a complete bitch. More on her, later.
Wednesday 3.14pm 2/06/2004
Where are they now? Other news: Updated the Paris gallery! Monday 7.06pm 31/05/2004
Sod the work, let's get wasted! That, reader, was my week end. On Friday night we went out for dinner and Liz's sister was down from Sittingbourne (!) After screeching about her travels abroad she managed to hush the entire wing of the restaurant with a story involving a Bangkok whore, a terrapin and a bottle of coke. It was priceless! Saturday got wrecked at Julia's and ended up at the Red Light till 6am, don't remember much, and last night we went on a brasserie crawl, eventually deciding to crash a bumming club advertising a 'Gay Spray Tea Party', but got turned away for not looking gay enough. We then got harrassed by an old crazy in an enormous yellow cagoule who said I looked like Mick Jagger, and finally spent about fifteen minutes watching a bimbo trying, without success, to barf into a gutter, before running home to Barbara's warm bed (she snores like a dog).
Friday 12.09pm 28/05/2004
Today is the day I start my fucking stupid Bollywood essay, which I really don't want to do because its nice outside and I want to smoke a joint under the sun and do sweet bugger all. Today I got an email from Eileen who I met in Cannes, undoubtedly the funniest girl I have ever met, you can find out about some of our wicked bullshitting antics when I get the Cannes section finished. Oh yeah can someone please download the clip on this page to see if Im in it? I don't have Realplayer.
"Troma Footage"Wednesday 8.12pm 26/05/2004
Fuck fuck fuck, too much work to do, so little time. This year in Paris has been a complete joke, studies wise, and now I'm paying the price. Had a good laugh with Maz and Lyns, but was shocked to find them last night huddled in the corner of a club puffing on ciggies they had stolen from me, like a pair of jacked up old teabag trannies. Oh just got this from Julia, my Tromette buddy from Cannes, taken before we pestered Billy Bob. More pix and news to come when I set up a separate page. So much to tell, like how I might be in a road movie set in Nice!
Monday 12.05pm 24/05/2004
Phew, I'm properly knackered. Cannes was fucking sensational so I am going to write all about how I was asked to be in films, smearing shit on nazi biker shops, chatting with Billy Bob Thonrton, puking in the street, crashing the Kill Bill party, getting trashed on a pirate ship and flirting with Tilda Swinton... You can read about it all later this week. Now Im off to pick up Maz and Lynnie from the Eurostar terminal. Bye! 
Monday 3.43pm 10/05/2004
Oh brother, supposed to be preparing for my presentation on spoof movies which is at 7pm, but I honestly can't be bothered. Had some out of date pesto, not feeling too good. Finally paid dentist's fees: 400 euros. My ear hair has fallen out. :(
Saturday 8.04pm 8/05/2004
"She went to my school!" - "Who?" - "Her! The psycho in the wheelchair!" I won't enlighten you in revealing how this conversation, which I had with wacky Cliona yesterday, began and where it led to, suffice to say it was true, and rather amusing. Last night, after sharing my cous cous with a pit bull (he wouldn't have any Stella) at Tribal Cafe and acquiring a rather impressive rash (I am allergic to dogs), I went and got stoned with Elina on the Pont Neuf. Being the herbal lightweight that I am, I began sing/shouting a riff on the DFS song, replacing 'wave' with 'dive', at the passing tourist boats, and I was not ignored! Tonight myself, Fab, Jack, Mike and the Irish girls are going to some random guy's 30th birthday in Bastille. He invited me last week after a heated debate on the Passion of Christ, of course, he being French and very religious (interesting, as he was also pissed off his rocker), he refused to acknowledge my argument that God is rubbish. After the party, we are going to a club which is going to play only 90's British Indie, and remix all of Blur's singles. Yes! 
Friday 1.27pm 7/05/2004
Thought I'd give an update on the condition of my physical self, if I may. Good News! My long ear hair is back! Currently measuring about an inch, I have tucked it in so as to ensure further growth. Bad News! Last Friday night I rather foolishly climbed a lamp post and fell on my arse. Not thinking much of it (obviously) I duly forgot all about the embarrassing affair. For the past few days though, there has been excruciating pain in my derriere and, lo and behold, there is now a hideous yellow and blue bruise the size of my hand on my left bum cheek. Other news: yesterday we watched Van Helsing, campier than a row of tents and hammier than a Herta hotdog. Only an hour ago, the security guard at my local supermarket checked my rucksack and asked me not to take any photographs, like anybody would sneak into the Pentagon for a tub of coleslaw and a bag of Haribo Starmix! What a div.
Tuesday 9.15pm 4/05/2004
This morning some raggamuffin tried to sell me some crack, right outside the university entrance. Can you believe it! I mean, to think that I look like the kind of bug-eyed junkie who would even think twice about purchasing an illegal substance, how ridiculous. Whilst we're on the subject of Ed, the old witch at the cash desk has been replaced (hooray!) by a rather friendly newbie. He even chats to his customers and, of course, he is Algerian. What a shame that I won't be able to go there this summer. Yesterday Adam said I was weird and Bene said I was a tramp's gigolo. What gives? Tonight is the Phoenix concert I wasn't able to get the tickets for. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...
Sunday 4.12pm 2/05/2004
NEWS FLASH! Victoria Beckham has admitted she had an affair with Michael Jackson to get back at her philandering husband. However Jacko's lawyer denied the claim, saying Mr Jackson could not have had an affair with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time. Ha ha! Here's another good one, a Chinese takeaway.
Friday 9.03pm 30/04/2004
Reader, let me tell you how magnifcent Ed is. He is my bestest friend in the world. At Ed today I purchased two litres of sangria, two bottles of red wine and a bottle of white wine 'champagne' for 4.50 euros, that's three pounds twenty, what a bargain! With these quality products I plan on getting incredibly wasted tonight for Jessie's birthday, and hence I can afford to go to a class club and not buy any expensive drinks (well, perhaps a few). Yesterday I helped out at a gallery exhibition with Fofie and her quirky French chums, we managed to steal three champagne flutes, a bottle of champagne, and a sausage. I also met the assistant director of Ronin and The Ninth Gate. Tomorrow night I am going to the Alcoholics pub, it is Gools' last night before she goes back to England, a very fond farewell it shall be, too.
"Gone, but not forgotten"Wednesday 8.52pm 28/04/2004
Funny that you realise how much you miss your friends only after having seen them for a short period after a long retreat. Caught up with lots of folks in London and Canterbury, had too many a wazz to recount. Putney is even worse, there is now a juice bar, an art gallery, and, the horror, a South African sandwich bar. Finch has asked me to tell you all about how I ordered a Chinese at a curry house, and apparently I remind the Dark Lord of Dean Moriarty from Jack Kerouac's On the Road. Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but doesn't he get abandoned by all his friends at the end of the book for being such an irresponsible old twit? Charming. Back in Paris now, bloody brilliant. Today Nat gave me a gift from New York (as if Whoop wasn't enough!), a Goonies T-shirt! Mind you, I DID pay to watch an Ashley Judd film with her.
Friday 2.57am 23/04/2004
Go and see this movie, its great. And i'll tell you what else is great, having internet access whilst pissed. Woohoo! Apart from that, I have lots of other things to tell you. Had a wicked night in a bar off Oxford street with Tino and Maggie (a Yank) and others. As for last night, got wrecked in the Fez club (dive) with Bonnie and Ronnie, where the DJ announced at the end of the night that he had had too much coke. I'm telling you, that's as seedy as it gets in that shit-hole. And another thing, go and buy the Kill Bill soundtrack, and then watch 'The Girl Next Door', which i've already mentioned, but do it anyway for fuck's sake. 
Thursday 2.52am 22/04/2004
Reader, do you know what it is like to lose twenty pounds whilst sober, then to get incredibly drunk so as to forget about the whole terrible truth of it all, and then to stagger home and remember the incident, already realising you had just spent an exorbitant amount of cash on absinthe shots in a shit club? Of course you don't, but I can tell you now, its not a good feeling at all. 
Tuesday 10.27pm 20/04/2004
What in the name of Montel has happened to schitso bum chum extraordinaire Trisha Goddard? She now has a ridiculously OTT hairdo, her shoulders have slackened somewhat and her mannerisms are decidedly chavvy, in the sense that she seems to be donning a new, tackier persona. She even talks some cockney now (Mind you, wasn't she Australian before?) If she cranks up the attitude any more, before you know it she'll be kicking all her ugly inbred gurlfriendz straight to the kerb, and there will be no show! Immediate action is necessary, I am going to email Norwich Television and get into the audience.
THERE IS A GOD(DESS) I was just having a natter with some pals I used to work with in the video store when I got a phone call from Natalia in New York. She told me that she was outside a shop that Whoopi was in. Oh my fucking god! I started getting the shakes whilst my colleagues tried to calm me down, and then it came, Nat seized the Whoop and insisted that she talk to her "number one fan" on the phone, and that, reader, is when I heard the raspy yet celestial "Hi". Uncontrollable, I fell to my knees in the middle of the shop and basically lost the ability to talk, sputtering how much I loved her and how I was her number one fan, completely lost in the euphoria of it all. Whoop then said something like how nice is this your friend you should thank her blah blah blah but frankly I wasnt bothered, I just kept ranting down the phone about how lucky I was but then bit my tongue just as I was about to mention Theodore Rex. I'm telling you, it was sensational. Nat how will I ever repay you?
Sunday 8.23pm 18/04/2004
Had a great weekend in Norwich with Ana and Loz, albeit coming home with cuts, bruises, gammy leg, a stomach infection (dodgy mussel) and pissing out my arsehole. This was nothing compared to Loz though, who looked like a rape victim with stigmata. Saturday night was legendary, because we managed to spend three hours in her jacuzzi until 6am with red wine and lambrini for company. The unusually high level of chlorine in the pool and the lethal sauna extracted every last drop of moisture from our bodies, leaving just Castlemaine XXXX in our bloodstream. It also turned my boxers yellow. I'm completely knackered so tonight I am going to marinate in my own filth in front of Eliza Dushku beating the crap out of deformed rednecks.
"Phew!"Thursday 11.35am 15/04/2004
Ah, Londinium, how much do I love you so? Let me count the ways... A shame then, that I'm not going to be spending much time here. Ana has invited me to Norfolk for the weekend with Loz, then theres Canters, Hull and Isle of Trite, I am also going to meet up with the Algerian (yes, him!) who I last week discovered works at the jazz bar. We are on good terms now and he is visiting London and we both drunkenly agreed to get pissed in Piccadilly. Then there are some Yanks who are also visiting. But, there is bad news: the Phoenix concert is sold out, getting to Cannes is going to cost a fortune and there are even more vespas and Smart cars in Putney than last time round. South African bastards, no doubt!
Sunday 9.08pm 11/04/2004
What a great day! So cultural, so life-defining, so vogue! Went with Gools for a ramble in the Bois de Vincennes, saw a chateau, came across a Cambodia festival and ate noodles and farted incense. Then went to see Jim Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes which was brilliant except for the saggy and pretentious middle section. Tomorrow going to an absinthe museum in Pontoise then the jazz club and perhaps a wine binge at the funfair. Making the most of Paris now because (drumroll) Britannia awaits!
Saturday 1.27pm 10/04/2004
Excellent news! In May I am going to the Cannes film festival to help out with Troma Studios, I have been selected to join their team! I'm not going to get paid but I get a place to stay and get to run around making a prat out of myself for a week and perhaps sneak into a few premieres. Troma, in case you didn't know, have produced such cinematic gems as Redneck Zombies, Surf Nazis Must Die, Rabid Grannies and Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid. 
Friday 2.58pm 09/04/2004
Lately I've been thinking a lot about modesty, and how wonderful are those that truly posess it, and what a shame it is that even fewer can see it in others. No really, that was me being profound just then. Oh, and listen to this hilarious joke I heard on the radio the other day. Who are the pretty girls in England? The tourists! A regular French Chris Moyles. What a twat.
"Fuck the French"Thursday 2.16pm 8/04/2004
Everyone seems to going on about The Rasmus this week in Britain. Well, they released their single over here months ago, but I'm telling you their album is unbelievably shit.
Tuesday 4.49pm 6/04/2004
My blackouts from nights out on the wazz have now become alarmingly frequent. Knock down Ginger, throwing myself down escalators and lying in a gutter inside a shopping bag are just a handful of things I have no recollection of doing. Word on the grapevine is that there are even photographs circulating. Detox seems the sensible thing to do, and i'll get right on it, in June.
Saturday 6.03pm 03/04/2004
Ho bloody Hum
Friday 9.27pm 02/04/2004
I shall be flying over to bonny Britain on the 14th April, staying till the 26th, ah how I have missed you so! I am planning on going to Hull, Alcatraz (The Isle of Wight) and Canterbury, and of course the ol' Smoke. About three days in each destination I should think. I am looking forward to the excursion like Posh Spice awaits tucking into a rice cake. Oh, and today my professor put on a porn video by accident, it was German and set in a plane. As we're on the subject, here's someone you may recognise from Big Brother.
"Day3-Nichola is baking a sausage"Thursday 6.19pm 01/04/2004
Peter Ustinov 1921 - 2004 "I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilised music in the world."
