Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish! July - September 2003 Tuesday 7.56pm 30/09/2003
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." - P.J O'Rourke (1989)
Sunday 9.08pm 28/09/2003
Just got back from Belgium and, thanks to Nesquik, it was ace.
Tuesday 2.05pm 23/09/03
Wahey! Have got a place to live, a tiny little room for 250 euros a month, all inclusive, propa budget, but hey at least I can now afford to travel places and have a social life. Its quite central too. I am beginning to warm to Paris and this year is going to be wicked, now I just have to wait for the feckin student loan.
"I am here"Sunday 10.35pm 21/09/2003
Bonjour! A ce moment je suis a Paris, une belle ville que j'aimeScrew that, basically im here now and its hot but way cool too. Met another Kent film student today called Natalia who also likes salted popcorn, which means she's ace. Haven't yet properly indulged myself in Parisian culture, for fear of infection probably. Oh, and go "here" and laugh at my mate James' journal. He refused to rejoice over mango week! (true)
Monday 11.19pm 16/09/03
Oh no. I have gotten my mother addicted to Snood.
"Bollocks"Saturday 12.05pm 13/09/2003
Went to Oceana in Kingston last night. Got so wrecked that I slept through my alarm clock and missed the train to Paris. Ho fucking hum. Still 5 quid well spent though.
Thursday 8.02pm 11/09/03
Grim reality has indeed revealed itself, and raped me up the arse. In two days now I shall be going to live in the land of Evian. Ironic then, that as I embark on my
bonvoyage into the future, by luck of a twist of the paranormal, my past has come back to haunt me. An old chum who I haven't seen in 3 years texts me out of the blue, I bump into my English teacher, and yesterday I was transferred to the Fulham branch of Clintons, right by my sixth form college. The ensuing nostalgic wander got me thinking: I will miss Angleterre! Well, not really, but it was looking that way until I noticed that Pete's Vinyl is now a Starbucks. Other news: Britons unite! It is officially national mango week.
"Starfucks"Tuesday 8.50pm 9/09/2003
The best birthdays are always the weird and wonderful ones. On Friday I went to Tim's house party with Carly and Roberta, the majority of guests being alcoholic lesbians, and met Martine (still in denial of being a Slovak) who had no idea she was being chatted up by a Biffa. Then left to go clubbing at 2am. Pop Club in Soho was rubbish, so we went to Moonlighting, a black r&b club. Despite loathing this kind of music, and being the only white man there, it was ace. Some random puked on my leg. Saturday I set off for Canters for my birthday bash, which was really a goodbye party. Went to Safeways to stock up on ingredients for punch with the Dark Lord. The chalet was brimming with pals by 10pm. Celine called from Buffalo, Mike locked me in the bathroom, Bex stuffed lingerie in my mouth and Han+Loz gave me an S Club Juniors pin badge. Was a wicked nite. Sunday was Scragg's b-day. Everybody got trashed again and played Mallet's mallet and drank castini. Shame it was so easy saying goodbye. I was pissed 3 days straight. In a few days the grim reality of it all will reveal itself in small patches of sweaty grief. Or something.
Thursday 8.42pm 4/09/03
As the great 50 Cent once said, "We gon' party like it's yo birthday". Except, it actually IS my birthday, so looks like my party's gonna be one homie short then. Tonight, however, I shall not be celebrating. Rather, I'll be in bed at a respectable hour, getting as much kip as I can before I get lashed this weekend. Twenty-one, would you believe it? (Rhetorical) Oh, and look at this, its what the Hotbar search engine thinks of my site. Strange.
Monday 8.43pm 1/09/03
Got a little wasted with Jovanka last nite, who I haven't seen in almost a year. Was great catching up, she's doing all the practical filmwork that Kent students have only touched upon in their wildest of wet dreams. Yet again I feel impelled to make it big in the film industry. But we shall see.
Sunday 10.00am 31/08/03
I met a girl last night called Amy who I felt considerably attracted to, until she told me she could draw noise. Yea, I know. Also, wasn't the Madonna/Britney snog great TV? Shame Christina had to sour the salivary soup. Yeast infection!
Friday 7.37pm 29/08/03
I have put up this picture in honour of honour. Of Honor Blackman that is (APPLAUSE). She was a stunna in Goldfinger and is still a croaky minx (as proven in Sunday's Midsomer Murders). What a babe! Whoopi is still my bitch tho. Now, where was that �5 Eurostar ticket on ebay?
"A lorra Honor on a Website"Thursday 7.03pm 28/08/03
True! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. Ha Ha lol lol :) etc.
Wednesday 10.44pm 27/08/03
Today a co-worker called me a cynic. Aside from feeling incredibly stupid for not knowing what this meant (thank you, Harraps) I believe this is untrue, or rather I wish to bloody God that I did. Other news: Despite hiding in the stock room counting things and reading Dear Dierdre, due to unforseen circumstances I was yet again forced to deal with a customer. Aaaaargh!!!
"Have a nice day, now!"Sunday 9.00pm 24/08/03
Phew what a bugger of a weekend. Went to see Freddy vs. Jason on Friday (Propa!) and crashed at Scott's place and watched Clue, awesome film! ("Mr.Boddy's body, its gone!") then went home smelling a little whiffy and decide to have a nice night in with the telly to prepare myself for a massive Sunday nite out, which is then cancelled hours before Tino calls and lures me to a trippy squatters den in New Cross. I leave fucked off my face at 7am to open up the video store at 10am (working til 8pm), except that didnt happen till later because I fell asleep on the train and woke up in Strawberry Hill of all places. Anyway today has been really crappy and I smell awful.
Wednesday 8.00pm 20/08/03
For the past four days I have been sunning myself in Brittany, France. What should have been a marvellous holiday of fun, frolics and alcohol was ruined by, go figure, French youths (a group who are meant to be my friends). They were still the same bunch of vain, spoilt, stupid, fattist, shallow and soulless dicks. My year ahead in Paris is not looking so appealing any more. Alex and Celine (my good chums who are going to the USA for a year) have made me so jealous my ears are bleeding. To make matters worse, PopIdol has just come on. I am now bleeding from every orifice imaginable.
Saturday 3.52pm 16/08/03
Right. Screw this, I'm off to France.
Friday 2.00pm 15/08/03
Ihatebeingill, and Ihateitwhenthespace bar doesn't work. For the pasttwodays Ihave been fermenting in my own sweat on the sofa, subjecting myself to Fridaythe 13thmovies, Trisha and DIY SOS. This is a great shame because I won'tbe able to go and see Freddy vs Jason. Instead I muststay indoors and curse thosedamned Kandoo commercials masquerading as paedo soft porn, and mull over whether I really want thatnew LutherVandross collection.
"Not even this can cheer me up. I fear something isseriouslywrong with me."Wednesday 9.00pm 13/08/03
It's been a while since I updated, but hey, the site has now officially opened (cue muffled fanfare, jeering, nail bombs and Caprice cutting a ribbon) so nobody's been on it really. So who cares?
Sunday 8.51pm 3/08/03
Went to a s/wank nightclub in Leicester Square. Lots of nice free drinks lying around. We got id'd outside Burger King. Propa Bo!
Thursday 11.09pm 31/07/03
Funniest television programme of 2003? Why, its breakfast show RI:SE of course! See! Craig David attempting to be self deprecating! ("I think I look a bit too bling") See! Kate 'pre-schooler' Lawler announcing "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! I love that, have to watch it again". See! Pillocks!
Wednesday 10.43pm 23/07/03
Jesus was very kind to me today, he gave me a job that may just help me pay off my credit card debt. On the other hand, the bastard gave me a job at Clinton Bloody Cards, again. For those of you with more than half a brain cell and who don't frequent this shitty and utterly pointless chain of greeting card stores, Clinton Cards is the ultimate shopping con. Every single item on its racks and shelves is destined to end up in the bin, you know, wrapping paper, cards, crappy gifts and disposable trinkets. Mind you, this makes it an extremely gratifying task for me, Clintons clerk, to sell this pap to the discerning (read: gullible, incredibly stupid) customer.
"Excuse me, where can I find a congratulations card for Suicide?"Sunday 1.39am 20/07/03
Why is Daniel Beddingfield still releasing singles? Who is letting this smug, desperate block-head get away with it? He should be with his own ilk, getting wizzed with Jemini on a Balham park bench, not on Top of the Pops. Mind you (!) On the brighter side, looks like I might be getting a job. As the mighty Beddo once said, "I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it ... blah blah blah etc". Genius!
Thursday 10.02pm 17/07/03
Its been proven! The Americans are no longer the most stupid human beings on the planet. Not even their soldiers are. The world's new idiot minority group? Internet obsessed tweenagers from Wigan.
Wednesday 11.30am 16/07/03
A topical thought entered my head today whilst watching a stupid ad on the telly. Why do we have medication advertisements for things like crabs and periods, when we aren't shown the goods? That Immodium ad is ridiculous (I hardly think a royal guard would shit himself rather than go to the bog), and babies do not have blue wee (you know what I mean). We've all seen blood, crap and fungus, why hide it? My point is: I didnt get to see this prissy little tart's thrush. Period. Roll on, chlamydia.
Advertising DuffTuesday 11.05pm 15/07/03
Still looking for a bloody job. Having my hair cut by a drunken pikey 'barber' today hasn't helped the cause much either.
Monday 1.30pm 14/07/03
About bloody time! The government has announced the installation of more beautiful wind turbines throughout the UK. Not only do they make our hillsides look all shiny and modern, we get lots of energy for FREE! Think I'll leave the oven on tonight.
CATS=ENEMYWednesday 1.21am 09/07/03
Q: What is a shitsu? A: A zoo with no animals Monday 11.30am 07/07/03
Today is National Dyspraxia Awareness Day, according to Fern Britton. So all you lazy fucks out there stand up and be counted.
Sunday 11.21pm 06/07/03
Jesus Christ in Heavens above. Forgive me because I am pissed. Whiskey and Wine are the devil's tool, and I have succumbed to their mighty wrath. So sue me!
Hangover?Thursday 1.54am 03/07/03
Hurrah my site is open! I am tired and have lost the will to live, and type.
