| The Way We Were It's been six months, seventeen days, eight hours, and nineteen minutes since he broke it off. You know...approximately. That's a long time. Especially when you'd once counted on forever. He's been gone a long time. Yet every morning. Every morning I wake up, expecting him to be there next to me. And every morning I find myself shocked that he's not there. I used to watch him sleep in the mornings. Justin was so beautiful when he slept. Well�he was always beautiful. But especially when he was asleep. When he was awake, he was hardened�jaded by a life where he had no privacy�a life where he couldn't trust, couldn't believe. But when he slept� When he slept, the lines of worry faded from his face. When he slept, his tired body would finally relax�the tension would just melt away. When he slept, he regained some of the innocence that he'd lost so long ago. When he slept�when I watched him sleep there next to me� He was beautiful. He was beautiful when he first woke up too. So adorable. When he first woke up, he would open his eyes halfway and yawn and roll over to face me. His hand would reach up to run through his hair, trying to tame it, but only making the curls more and more wild. It always made me smile. Sometimes I couldn't help but giggle at that. At this beautiful, powerful man at what most would consider his worst. To me�this was him at his best. Him lying there without a worry. Him being himself�the real Justin. Not the Justin that the world knew. Him�all relaxed and breathtakingly beautiful. Him. Just him. When he heard me laughing, he would roll his eyes and pull me close to him. And he'd silence me with a kiss. A soft, gentle kiss. An enchanting, wonderful kiss. A wonderful kiss from those wonderful lips. I can still remember the texture of his lips�the way they felt against mine. I can still remember the way he tastes. And then he'd kiss me lightly on the forehead. Or the tip of my nose. Or some other unbearably cute place. And he'd return his head to the pillow. And smile. I loved that smile. That smile made me melt every time it was directed my way. That smile was the death of me. Nothing mattered when Justin smiled at me like that. When he smiled at me�there was nothing in my world except for him. I could lay there forever with him like that. And I'd be happy. Just him. And me. And a lot of blankets and pillows. The mornings were always the best. But the walks were great too. Justin and I were always going for walks. We'd walk on the beach. Or through a park. Or around the block. It didn't matter where. We'd go for walks to get away from all the hype for awhile. We took a lot of walks when he was on tour. We took walks for his sanity�and sometimes for mine. Sometimes I would be talking to someone. JC. Or Chris. Or Elisa from wardrobe. We'd just be talking and Justin would come up beside me and slip his hand into mine. And I would know�I always knew when he needed to get away for awhile. And so we'd walk. For as long as we wanted. For as long as his schedule allowed. And he'd always hold my hand. I loved just walking and holding his hand. Our hands fit together so well. So perfectly. There is no better feeling in the world than the feeling of our hands together. As stupid as it sounds�the first time he held my hand; that's when I first knew I loved him. We always held hands when we walked. And we talked while we walked. About life. About plans. About�stuff. About everything. Anything but the chaos we'd just left behind. And when we returned, he always seemed calmer. Happier. More full of life. I used to think all of that was because of me. I used to think I kept him sane. I used to think he wouldn't make it without me. I used to think I was his world. Like he was mine. I used to think a lot of things. But I never thought it would end. And now. Now, I just don't know. I don't know if he ever needed me like I thought he did. Like I needed him. Our relationship went from perfect to nonexistent in an instant. I never did figure out what went wrong� And now I'm sitting here writing alone in my apartment, writing about the way we were in some beat up old notebook. I should be writing about the way we are. I never should have let him throw it all away. We had what most people never have. We had real love. Love for all the right reasons. Love that knew no bounds. Love that we were sure would last forever. We were the couple that passers by envy. We understood each other. We finished each other's sentences. We were the perfect model of a couple in love�without being all sickeningly sweet. We never even had a real fight. That's why the end was such a shock. I hadn't seen it coming at all. No one had. The night that it ended I could tell something was wrong with him. He eyes were so sad. So I reached for his hand, thinking that maybe he needed to go for a walk. But he�He pulled his hand away. He pulled it away! Nothing has ever hurt me like that did. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. I tried to protest. To argue. To show him that this was supposed to last forever. But he just wouldn't listen. So I turned away from him, and I ran from the house. As fast as I could. It was the last time that I ever saw him. The first couple of days it hurt so badly that all I could do was cry. And cry. And cry. Six months later, the pain is dulled. But it's always there. It never goes away� Jessica tossed the pen and notebook onto the sofa beside her and wiped the tears from her eyes. Just as she was reaching for the tissues, the doorbell rang. She did her best to stop crying and dry her face, before heading towards the door. She had no idea who could be ringing her doorbell at eleven at night. She peered through the peephole and was frozen with shock for a few moments. She finally was able to reach for the doorknob when the doorbell was rung again. She opened the door slowly, and simply stood blinking at the person standing there. She was sure it was some kind of apparition. Some evil trick her eyes were playing on her. But the image before her didn't fade. She tried to speak after a few moments of silence, but she could only manage a jumble of meaningless words. "You�I�what?" He said nothing. Just smiled faintly. And extended his hand towards her. She stood staring at his hand for a moment before hesitantly reaching for it and intertwining her fingers with his outstretched ones. They were going for a walk. The rest was yet to be determined. |