| Perfection Everyone had gone home for the day. The building was dark, only a few dim flickers of light guided him down the deserted hallway. The quiet filled his ears, the sounds of his footsteps the only break in the deafening silence. Justin walked down the hallway towards the recording studio. JC sat within the studio walls, still fiddling with controls, double and triple checking. JC was there because he loved the recording aspect of their careers best. He couldn�t get enough of the studio, of the music. One recording could sound so much different with just the push of a button. He would tweak a single track thousands of times before he was even remotely satisfied. JC was also in the studio for perfection. Perfection. When it came to his career he would settle for no less. Perfect recordings. Perfect voice. Perfect dance moves. Perfect image. It had become a mantra that ran through his head constantly. Day after day. Hour after hour. He twirled a knob, and his voice filled the small room. He shuddered violently at the sound. His voice never lived up to his expectations. That�s so off pitch. The last note is way off key. God, that just sounds�horrible. He pushed a button and was somewhat pleased with the result. His head tilted to the side, listening, as he reached for yet another knob. Justin passed a glass case in his quest down the hall. It reflected his image back to him vividly in the dim light. He froze in place, staring at himself critically as he did repeatedly every day. Some people thought he was vain. But vanity wasn�t what caused him to stare at himself for hours on end. Justin�s eyes scanned over his reflection quickly. His hands expertly smoothed his clothes. He adjusted his watch and fiddled with his earrings before running a hand over the top of his head, now barren of the curls that had once covered it. His hand roamed from his head down over his forehead and paused when it reached his nose. That�s where it always started. His nose. He had always hated his nose. My nose is way too big for my face. His fingers lingered there a moment longer and then moved to trace over each imperfection that his face held. A dark colored patch of skin on his left cheek. A seemingly huge dip in his forehead. A few hairs that he had missed shaving. As if all of that weren�t bad enough, he�d caught Britney checking out some guy�s ass earlier that day. Not that I blame her. She�s so beautiful. She deserves someone who has a nice ass. A beautiful face. Someone as perfect as she is. And on top of all of that, someone had called him ugly the other day. Someone who was obviously jealous of all that Justin had. Someone who needed to lash out to make himself feel more adequate. Justin had tried to forget. He hadn�t wanted to listen. But Justin�Justin couldn�t erase those words from his mind. He obsessed over it. That hateful man�s words echoed through his mind. �Look at him, he�s ugly. I just can�t figure out why all these girls fall all over him. He�s just a piece of white trash, no-talent popstar with nothing to offer anyone but some lame ass songs and a whole lot of money.� He needed to be better. Handsome. Charming. Perfect. All he saw in himself were negatives. He thought he was ugly. He couldn�t understand why those girls fell all over him. Every time he looked into someone�s eyes, he wondered if they were thinking about how repulsive he was. Because that�s how he saw himself. His hand returned to his nose once more. And then, just as suddenly as he had come to a stop by the glass, he turned and began to walk briskly down the hall again. JC turned a knob. He ran a hand over his face in exasperation. It�s not right yet. Not even close. Justin walked faster. I need to get to the studio. I need to�to redo that part I recorded earlier. JC said it sounded good, but he must have been lying to make me feel better. I really sounded horrible. JC listened to his own voice once more. It was torture for him. It seemed to get worse every time. Justin reached the door. He pushed it open carefully, stepping into the room. JC spun around slowly, recognizing the movement behind him as Justin�s. The two men locked eyes. And time froze for a second. JC noticed Justin biting his lip, searching for acceptance in the older man�s eyes. He noticed Justin glance into the mirror beside the door quickly. Justin noticed JC�s worried expression. He noticed the agony in JC�s eyes, caught his backward glance at the controls. JC recognized Justin�s dissatisfaction with himself. His pain. Because it was a mirror of his own. He took a step towards Justin, away from his controls. Justin recognized JC�s dazed, unsure expression. The tiredness. The bags under his eyes. Because he also had experienced many sleepless nights. He was also so unsure of everything in his world. He stepped further into the room, well past the mirror and all the insecurities it brought. And in that space between, where no one existed but these two men, the pain and uncertainty melted away. The older man gathered the younger one in his arms, and both men relaxed into each other, sinking slowly to the floor while still locked tight in each other�s embrace. It wasn�t the first time these two men had held each other. It wouldn�t be the last. This place�this in between place where surface perfection didn�t matter�it was the only place that felt right. In Justin�s arms, JC could forget about the knobs and buttons. His frustration with his voice faded. He didn�t need to worry about the impression he was making on the world. In JC�s embrace, Justin was whole again. He didn�t feel ugly. He could erase the inadequacy he felt with Britney. He forgot about the hateful public. This was home. This was�perfection. The studio. The bus. A random hotel room. It didn�t matter where they were. As long as they had each other, as long as they had these moments...everything would always be perfect. |
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