SimonBob

Somewhere in Canada, there's a city called Bobstowe. And in this city lives a fabulous man named Simon X. Roberts, Esq. Or for short, "SimonBob."

SimonBob has been blessed with the power of what he calls "Heisenburg's Eyes." He can watch fellow SimonBobs in parallel dimensions, observing and learning from their victories and failures. He also takes the time to write about some of the more interesting SimonBobs, and has successfully sold more than six million novels worldwide. Though much of his assets from these endeavours has gone towards charity, enough of it is left over to allow SimonBob the luxury of watching the other universes for interesting occurences. His powers have been honed to the point where he can even watch universes for persons other than SimonBob.

In his observations, SimonBob has noticed that the universes follow an oddly disjointed "continuity," as though they are aware when he is watching one, or when he switches to another. He chronicles these continuous passages as "iterations" of not only the SimonBob personality, but others he has managed to glimpse.

Iteration One: The Main Man, SimonBob

This version of SimonBob is the most common. He's a class act all the way, cool as a cat, smooth with a capital "smoo." His lifestyle consists of sleeping for months on end, then waking up just in time to stop a huge armageddon-level catastrophe, then going back to sleep.

Naturally, saving the world takes a lot of resources, and SimonBob has those in spades (and clubs, and hearts...) Below is a list of a few of his amazing powers and tools.

The Clarence Transformation: To safeguard his life against against his own death, SimonBob designed a computerized magical programmed grid that would act as a "soul-net," catching him if he should accidentally get his head handed to him. The program would then send out an avatar to find the solution to returning SimonBob to life. Out of a liking for beings of the wild, he designed the avatar to be a wolf, and in a moment of levity he decided to name it "Clarence" after a popular movie angel. Indeed, his life did end at one point, forcing the program's execution, but it turned out for the best as the power of Clarence was stored inside a pendant that SimonBob now wears around his neck. When he holds the rock and concentrates, he unleashes energy and becomes Clarence; when he absorbs the energy again, he can become SimonBob once more. The ability to transform comes in handy sometimes, but it's a real pain when there's no energy source to turn back to a human with...

Clarence is essentially the same being as SimonBob, although sometimes the wolf habits that were implanted by the program push through. After all, Clarence was separate from SimonBob for a brief time.

Editor's Note: Actually, I didn't name the wolf Clarence. My main man Shain came up with that. He thought he got it from a joke but it was the wrong one. I didn't find out about the Jimmy Stewart connection until a few months later.

The Flannel: SimonBob's flannel has tiny microprocessor chips sewn into the lining. These are actually ultra-powerful computers, capable of creating the same effects as any "magician" or "wizard" could perform. In particular, SimonBob is fond of undirected power effects (such as his Blaze spell, a piercing fire attack) and a physical maneuver known as Twin Hookshots (think Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.) It also works as a shield, teleportation enhancer (makes it look cool), random item storage, and occasionally just to keep SimonBob warm. He started wearing one because he thought they were lumberjack shirts, and he thought lumberjacks were cool. The Pearl Jam and Canadian connections came later. Really.

The Chevy '69:

Well I looked over Jordan, and what'd I see
Comin' for to carry me home
I saw a Chevy sixty-ni-i-ine, comin' for to get me,
Comin' for to carry me home.

Completely misinformed with these erroneous lyrics, SimonBob went forth to seek the legendary car, and found it in the lot of a retailer known as Vern. He bought it for what would now be considered very cheap indeed, took it home, and fixed up everything but the interior. It goes somewhere near the speed of light or maybe past it, shoots missles, flies if you can keep your speed while going uphill, and generally rocks the party. SimonBob's Mystical CD resides in the armrest and plays most excellent music.

The BobZooka: It's a medium-barreled personally-named mad-explosion weapon. Anyone would enjoy this, even grandma.

Iteration Two: Jakob

Jakob was just an ordinary accountant until he got fired. Then he was just an ordinary bass-playing street bum until a meteorite crashed into his former office building. After that he met some friends (including one poser by the name of Blue Starman) and learned how to shoot a raygun and warp through time and space. He was completely unhelpful in ridding the world of an evil menace, warped around for a bit, landed on a planet of musical accountants, fell in love, got married, and generally had a good time. Recently, he passed the bar and became a lawyer, and now offers both legal and personal advice to anyone who can figure out how to get in touch with him.

Editor's Note: Jakob was originally supposed to be more important, but he wound up getting cut out of the end of "Tryst" when I had to go help out at a ski rally. Oh well, at least he got some good shots in. Read the bit where he and Frank take on the "Super Starmen Six."

Iteration Three: Matrix-Bob

Really named SimonBob, Matrix-Bob is another version altogether. He appears to have been created out of a split with the main SimonBob's universe. He's exactly the same, except for a few things.

The Trenchcoat: Despite claiming that his flannel was "in for cleaning," Matrix-Bob really does prefer his trenchcoat. His dry cleaners are kinda mad at him, but he says it's not his responsibility as he feels like someone else wore that flannel, not him. (He's only half-wrong, because of that universal split thing.)

Rallets: The power of the stars is known as Stellar, so the power of things that aren't stars is obviously Rallets. Matrix-Bob uses amazing skills such as "Paraffin Heal" and "Toucan Swirl." Some philosophers claim that he just makes it up as he goes along, but he gets really mad and jumps up and down when they do that, so they only use it as a technique to break the ice at parties.

The Wolf Pendant: The original SimonBob got in contact with Matrix-Bob at one point, lending him the Wolf Pendant so he could get into the Pyramid. Some people have contended that this proves Clarence really is a separate being, since aparrently anyone can transform into him.

The Floating Twoson Poker Game: Somewhere along the line, one of the SimonBobs got mixed up in a floating poker game, where he met many random people whom he still keeps in touch or holds grudges with.

Editor's Note: The FTPG was - and still is - a great way to connect seemingly random characters into one main event. No fuss, no muss; Simon just happens to know someone from the game, and voila, we can have a dialogue between friends (or enemies.) I've even mentioned poker players who haven't been written into anything yet, like Uncle Vito.

Iteration Four: Jack Flash

A former wrestler, he tried being a slightly psycho assassin before settling into a steady routine of alcoholism. He was resting comfortably in a rehabilitation center at an undisclosed location outside of Eagleland until he escaped. He used to wear an Italian suit that had traces of SimonBob's store-everything capabilities, but traded up for a shirt that reads "I darn near got killed by Raltise and all I got was this stupid t-shirt." Right now he's on the loose somewhere, and he's probably regained his "International Assassin" status.

Iteration Five: Dante

You would almost think that Dante was a ripoff of the Kevin Smith character of the same name, except that he lives in a universe where there is no Kevin Smith. Along with the fact that the suicide rate is higher there, it's a pure coincidence.

Iteration Six: SimonBob, Fresher than Ever

The fresh new SimonBob who travels with Dante appears to be an amalgamation of the original SimonBob and Matrix-Bob. He also has new powers.

The Katana of Trippy Demon Attack: SimonBob's had this for a long time but only just started to use it when Dante joined forces with him. His strongest attack with it is the "MATRIX-JUMP-DEMON-SLASH!" He has to yell it out loud when he uses it or it doesn't work.

Siggel: This one's complicated. Suffice to say that SimonBob can turn into Siggel, the seven-foot-tall demon werewolf any time he wants to. Siggel has three thoughts on his mind: "Destroy," "Smash," and "Destroy." In particular, this transformation makes yard work more fun.

Trez: SimonBob always wanted a dragon of his own, and one day when fate met an exceptionally strong magic field, he got one. Trez is a Black Dragon capable of flight and fire-breathing and all those other typical dragon things. He "talks" with a psychic mind-link so he doesn't have to waste his breath on unworthy beings. Together, SimonBob and Trez can perform the "Ultimate Dragon Flannel Slash" which can chop mountains in half.

Iteration Seven: Kilt-Bob

A kilt-wearing version of SimonBob appeared briefly to lead Jack Flash to the fight with Raltise. He beat up Raltise then healed him before leaving Jack to get an ass-kicking. Jack later killed him for being an illegal universe-hopper.

Editor's Note: The Jack/Kilt-Bob/Raltise system works like this: Kilt-Bob beats Raltise, Raltise beats Jack, Jack beats Kilt-Bob. There's no way to slice it so that any of them will win all the time. Of course, it also doesn't help that Kilt-Bob is dead.

The Future?

The SimonBob of Bobstowe will never see all of the infinite dimensions. He has this slight nagging fear that someday a SimonBob will discover his dimension, possibly the one who traveled through them once already to lend Matrix-Bob the Wolf Pendant, and kill him to gain his powers. But he doesn't let that worry him too much. After all, his observational skill makes him the smartest SimonBob anywhere... right?

Editor's Note: Suuuuure it does.