This song is called The History of The Cards, and it's not just some lame Tenacious D ripoff, it's a goddamned full-blown time-sweeping monument to our tragic existence!

One cold morning in December, a man looked over the hills
The man himself!  The king of the wolves!
And he thought it looked pretty bland and boring, he thought that it could use some thrills
The man himself!  The king of the wolves!
He wished for the time when the blood ran high
And stained the white snow red [dum dum doooooo]
Then over the horizon, a man came riding in through the snows
The man in black!  With the golden steed!
He had long raven-black hair and he was dressed in black from his neck to his toes
The man in black!  With the golden steed!
And king and rider battled on the hill
And stained the white snow red [dum dum doooooo]

They battled and they fought and they thrashed and they kicked and they punched and they crashed to the ground...
And in the end, both king and rider were dead.....
And only Death heard the sound.

(spoken) And Death laughed a mighty laugh, and he proclaimed that henceforth the king and the rider would be one and two, and their fates inextricably entwined!

The rider shot the king's plane down
In World War I
And the king ran over the rider in a tank
In World War II
And they both got blown up by a grenade
In Vietnam
And Death laughed, he was the one to thank
For the bitter brew

And then... (break into a Paul McCartney accent here) Yesterday
I was looking up a magic spell
So I could a friend of mine to Hell
That's when I found this tale I tell
Suddenly 
A vision of the Wolf King I could see
And I knew right then that he was me
The rider my friend had to be

(back to something original) So I told my friend of Death's plan to smash our souls into shards
He was screwing with us!  It had to stop!
So we joined forces and we started a band called The Cards
He was screwing with us!  It had to stop!
And now we don't fight, we sing to unite
And our blood bond is thick and red [dum dum doooooo]

(Spoken) And when Death saw that we cheated him, he granted us immortality, that we may live on forever in the hearts and minds of the people!  So in return, we let him join the band!

Now Death is in The Cards!
Yes Death is in The Cards!
We're all happy now in The Cards!
Oh yeah you're rockin' with The Cards!
The Cards!