WhoIsDoctorWho

Some may argue that this is a rather cob choice with which to kick off a series of reviews, giving the predominance of Doctor Who elsewhere on the site. However, I'm going to do it anyway, so ner.

Rather than reviewing this album in track order, I am going to provide a kind of rundown at the same time. You'll soon pick up the idea. There are 18 tracks, we'll call it a Top 18, you dig?

18 : I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek - The Go Go's.
(Firstly, it's clearly a different Go Go's to the 1980's US band famous for giving the world Jane 'Rush Hour' Wiedlin and Belinda 'Heaven Is A Place On Earth' Carlisle.)
I quite like Christmas. Christmas carols are more enjoyable than other hymns, Christmas tunes tend to be pleasant, and joyful. This song, therefore, breaks records, by being mind-numbingly bad. I mean, given that it bypasses the usual pitfall of Dr Who-related songs (see below for that), it does well to reach new depths of awfulness. Cataloguing every single example of what is wrong with it might be satisfying, but it would fill up the rest of the space.

17: Not So Old - Roberta Tovey with Orchestra
One of many tracks which not only have no clear connection to Dr Who, but are pretty forgettable. People think Victoria Beckham is untalented, you know.

10-16: Landing Of The Daleks - The Earthlings
March Of The Robots - The Earthlings
Dance Of The Daleks - Jack Dorsey and Orchestra
The Eccentric Dr Who - Malcolm Lockyer Orchestra
Daleks And Thals - Malcolm Lockyer Orchestra
Fugue For Thought - Bill McGuffie
Landing Of The Daleks (alt morse vsn) - The Earthlings
These tracks are banded together because they are outstanding neither one way nor the other. If I had to single out 1 to kick off the Top 10, it would have to be Dance Of The Daleks, simply because of its absurd title.

9: Who's Who - Roberta Tovey with Orchestra
In 2002, a man with long grey hair, and a funny smile on his face would be a social pariah. But, hey, in the swinging 60's, you could do anything, include make this record. This demonstrates that whilst suffering the worst Knock-Knock joke in history, Dr Who's enigmatic title is also cause for mirthful chanting ("Who's Who? Who's Who?"). On the plus side, this song leads to that well-known phrase "He'll always be a friend of mine". ("Who? Doctor Who!"). Once, a group of schoolchildren started a club, printing words of wisdom, with the attribution HABAFOM, (he'll always... etc), but teachers thought it was a paean to terrorism. Shame. Also, He'll always... is not something you could say about the show after 1990.

8: Pure Mystery - Jon Pertwee
Yes, alright, this isn't really a Dr Who song either. However, it sounds charming to me, from its grabby opening ("Watch!"), all the way through. And your card is the 5 of Diamonds, no?

5-7: Who's Dr Who? - Frazer Hines
Time Traveller - Frazer Hines
Punch and Judy Man - Frazer Hines
Actually, these can be excused, but I reckon they are ALL Dr Who-related. If you take the Punch & Judy Man as a metaphor, then we're talking about a manipulative figure (so, a little ahead of its time). Time Traveller suggests that Frazer is the trying to be the 5th Monkee. In fact, Who's Dr Who? beats the other two by trying to make more romantic notions about the Doctor. "He never thinks of money" is one of many lines that suggest that 1968 was the hippy time. Yet, none were hits. Sad.

4: Dr Who - Don Harper's Homo Electronicus
As one of the greatest theme tunes of all time,nay, one of the greatest instrumentals, it is quite right that the Top 4 are variations on that theme. This isn't as brilliant as the other 3, so I picked it at no 4.

3: Doctor Who (original theme) - BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Slight controversy here, as I think this isn't the best interpretation (not now). But without it, where would we be?

2: Dr Who - Eric Winstone and his Orchestra
Yeah, baby! An absolute joy, prompting words like 'lounge' and 'lavish'. It breaks into almost a Bond theme at moments. This is also the only version here against which I could vaguely suppose a striptease routine could be done. Don't know why that should be a criterion, but there you are.

1: Who Is The Doctor - Jon Pertwee
And, naturally, top of the tree, one of the most fun records you'll ever hear. That Jon performs so seriously makes you sit up, and care. In 4 verses, Jon manages to suggest 4 moods, each great, and all the time, making you think about what he means.
"I cross the void, beyond the mind, the empty space that circles time". That's a great start. Then we get "to taste the secret source of life - a present science can't deny exists", which suggests some kind of achievability in his power.
Then, verse 3 - "Who knows, you say - but are you right?" This feels to me like a direct question, that Jon himself is asking me, and anyone who believes in Dr Who (also listen to Pure Mystery, for test of belief). This line gives me goosebumps, as I feel that this is one of Jon's immortal gifts. When you listen to this, you can feel that Jon isn't really gone. He's still alive...in the hearts of anyone who'll let him in.
And finally, of course "with sword of truth, I turn to fight the Satanic powers of the night!" Yes, somewhere, in ways we mere mortals cannot see, the Doctor really is out there, saving the Universe.
"Is your faith before your mind? Know me - Am I The Doctor?"
As if there could be any shred of doubt.